do they actually leave?

[vla1120]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I actually can't stand wishing karma on others that do cruel things. I mean I have a real big honest heart and this leaves me feeling like how will I ever trust giving that heart away to anyone ever again? So many branches come out when a person dabbles in a situation like this.  I mean i now want to throw up at the last XMM words... I love you too. Everything I said was true?? 🤢

I don't really "wish" karma on anyone. Karma has a mind of its own. I've been married twice, once to a cheating liar, the second time to an abusive (diagnosed) narcissist. I also consider myself to have a real big honest heart and now I am afraid to ever put myself out there again because of the damage done to me by these two men. I am, and will remain, very guarded. Right now, you are doing all the right things. You are seeing a therapist to help you navigate through this difficulty (check), you are posting your thoughts and feelings online, which helps you digest what you've gone through and how it has affected you (check), you are finally coming out of the fog and are truly angry with him (check). Keep on this path and do not worry about whether he ever pays for what he has done to you and don't think about closure. You will provide your own closure the moment you decide you will never allow yourself to be fooled by a wolf in sheep's clothing again. He will pay in other ways. He won't know that Karma has slapped him in the face when she comes calling. He'll just suffer the ill consequences. I don't necessarily get joy out of seeing others "pay", and yet, it provides a small bit of comfort to think that the evil-doers of the world don't get off scott free. 

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Talking about hurt and relating to others is helpful to me. It makes me feel not so alone in this. Talking is healing it's emoting... eventually I won't need that 

There are other ways to cope with loneliness other than to stay focused on your pain and finding others who share that pain.  That's wallowing.  You need to rise above and pull yourself out of the rut.  As you can see your constant wallowing in that pain made you contact MM's ex wife and what good did that do?  Nothing has changed for you today.

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I don't really "wish" karma on anyone. Karma has a mind of its own. I've been married twice, once to a cheating liar, the second time to an abusive (diagnosed) narcissist. I also consider myself to have a real big honest heart and now I am afraid to ever put myself out there again because of the damage done to me by these two men. I am, and will remain, very guarded. Right now, you are doing all the right things. You are seeing a therapist to help you navigate through this difficulty (check), you are posting your thoughts and feelings online, which helps you digest what you've gone through and how it has affected you (check), you are finally coming out of the fog and are truly angry with him (check). Keep on this path and do not worry about whether he ever pays for what he has done to you and don't think about closure. You will provide your own closure the moment you decide you will never allow yourself to be fooled by a wolf in sheep's clothing again. He will pay in other ways. He won't know that Karma has slapped him in the face when she comes calling. He'll just suffer the ill consequences. I don't necessarily get joy out of seeing others "pay", and yet, it provides a small bit of comfort to think that the evil-doers of the world don't get off scott free. 

Sorry that all happened to you. I agree without wishing it that in some form people like this will pay. If he is not already paying now he will when he seeks out another affair or perhaps another one after that. Now I know the truth via exwife that this man is just a snake. 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

There are other ways to cope with loneliness other than to stay focused on your pain and finding others who share that pain.  That's wallowing.  You need to rise above and pull yourself out of the rut.  As you can see your constant wallowing in that pain made you contact MM's ex wife and what good did that do?  Nothing has changed for you today.

Omg that did a world of good still. That ended all of the questions surrounding his credibility. A big part of me wanted to believe he was telling me truth for all those months... now I know for a fact he is a complete lier. Of course I need a little time to process this new found info... I am human. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

I will take a break from posting though and circle back after I work through the tail end of this.  I appreciate all the support, tough love all of it xx Really hoping the wife does not contact me. I have blocks set up every where. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Myabee

[czanclus]

 

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

She is helping... this forum is helping 

I acknowledge your progress. It's slow for the expectations of the majority here, but you know yourself better and your ways of processing pain better. Just keep plugging.

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Oh, girl, I had a trainer that would put me in front of the punching bag to get it all out. Or have me do ball slams. I have thrown them down with so much force, I would start crying. lol. I also wrote it all out. I used to lash out at him, but I realized quickly that it only gave him what he wanted. And I was tired of him getting what he wanted. SO outwardly to him, I lived my best life. But I was struggling hard. I did a lot of physical activity to let the physical aggression out. I cried. I did lots of therapy. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I read. And I had anti-anxiety meds for the nights I went into pure panic mode. This usually just put me to sleep, so I was free from it. 

I hope it's easier for you than this. The above resembles my 'journey' of healing, but with fraction of resources. My "best life" entailed a 12 hour 7-day a week grind in a maniacal quest to rid myself of student loan debt and achieve some semblance of middle class life, plus training for a marathon and crushing it, then running some more to get even faster... until the rage in me subsides, and how slowly it waned, and how frequently it returned. No therapist, no trainer, no money for travel, spas and facials, not even spare time to just sip chamomile tea and stare out the window in solitude, coming to terms that the note of closure sent from the man I intensely loved and wanted to love forever will never reach me. And here I am, still standing better than I ever did, you self-entitled ***. Do what you feel is right, but keep in mind that some humans are very very small and sad creatures.

Edited December 7, 2021 by czanclus

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, czanclus said:

 

I acknowledge your progress. It's slow for the expectations of the majority here, but you know yourself better and your ways of processing pain better. Just keep plugging.

I hope it's easier for you than this. The above resembles my 'journey' of healing, but with fraction of resources. My "best life" entailed a 12 hour 7-day a week grind in a maniacal quest to rid myself of student loan debt and achieve some semblance of middle class life, plus training for a marathon and crushing it, then running some more to get even faster... until the rage in me subsides, and how slowly it waned, and how frequently it returned. No therapist, no trainer, no money for travel, spas and facials, not even spare time to just sip chamomile tea and stare out the window in solitude, coming to terms that the note of closure sent from the man I intensely loved and wanted to love forever will never reach me. And here I am, still standing better than I ever did, you self-entitled ***. Do what you feel is right, but keep in mind that some humans are very very small and sad creatures.

You are awesome. I am impressed with above...I have my note of closure he is confirmed cheater. This was my last day of wallowing. Time to refocus on the things I enjoy and find serenity in. I no longer need closure from him. The xwife provided me with how he rolls and that's all I needed to have confirmed. xx 

[catbestfriend]

7 hours ago, czanclus said:

9 hours ago, Myabee said:

 

I acknowledge your progress. It's slow for the expectations of the majority here, but you know yourself better and your ways of processing pain better. Just keep plugging.

I agree, definitely feel like I’ve witnessed progress. I am in the club of dwellers and so can relate to taking a long time getting over things. There’s no point in feeling shame about having emotions if that is how you are hardwired. Also, some people move forward by talking aloud whereas others do the back and forth inside their heads. People have different ways of processing. I also don’t think anyone is in the place to evaluate people’s therapists unless there’s evidence of some very clear and egregious malpractice. As outsiders we are not in the room and shouldn’t assume we know.

Focus on what you *can* control which are you actions, and follow the path of making good decisions in support of your health. From there, the shift in feelings often follows. Take pride in the small steps forward, as they eventually accumulate. I really believe that with healing much of it is about developing pragmatic strategies, rather than dealing in moral absolutes. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by catbestfriend

[Myabee]

17 minutes ago, catbestfriend said:

agree, definitely feel like I’ve witnessed progress. I am in the club of dwellers and so can relate to taking a long time getting over things. There’s no point in feeling shame about having emotions if that is how you are hardwired. Also, some people move forward by talking aloud whereas others do the back and forth inside their heads.

Yes. This is me to  T. I do dwell on things especially when they grab a hold of my heart. That was the case here. It took me 5 years to get over my first love years ago. It was a very painful break up after college. Now this will not be a 5 year thing lol. But I do imagine it might be a year long process.  

[catbestfriend]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes. This is me to  T. I do dwell on things especially when they grab a hold of my heart. That was the case here. It took me 5 years to get over my first love years ago. It was a very painful break up after college. Now this will not be a 5 year thing lol. But I do imagine it might be a year long process.  

It’s definitely a club! I will have some Tshirts made up lol. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, catbestfriend said:

It’s definitely a club! I will have some Tshirts made up lol. 

Lol😂

[Myabee]

On 12/7/2021 at 9:57 PM, Myabee said:

Lol😂

When does the scorned feeling subside? Really struggling with that. 

[Myabee]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

And I had a therapist that put me in front of a MIRROR! Since all of my problems were from my own choices - I had no one to blame but myself!

start there!

Of course. It's not that simple though when you connected so deeplly to someone, Threw out your heart like an organ donation for a year 1/2. I still think about all our conversations often. He ended up being my favorite person to talk too. That has nothing to do with me not liking myself.... 

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Of course. It's not that simple though when you connected so deeplly to someone, Threw out your heart like an organ donation for a year 1/2. I still think about all our conversations often. He ended up being my favorite person to talk too. That has nothing to do with me not liking myself.... 

Did it never cross your mind that  you were the "other woman" and that as such the whole thing was likely going nowhere?
"My wife doesn't understand me" is  the old cliché and joke.
Did you never think you were living  in the fantasyland of a guy merely cheating on his wife?
Why did you throw your heart at a guy who was married and living 3000 miles away? 
What made you take that huge risk?
 

Edited December 10, 2021 by elaine567

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Of course. It's not that simple though when you connected so deeplly to someone, Threw out your heart like an organ donation for a year 1/2. I still think about all our conversations often. He ended up being my favorite person to talk too. That has nothing to do with me not liking myself.... 

As long as you keep thinking of this as some romance novel, deep soul connection, or unique love, you will be stuck. I know it feels that way. They ALL feel that way. But the truth is, this was a pretty typical affair with a married man. The usual excuses, the push/pull, getting thrown under the bus, all of it. The longer you idealize the "deep connection," the harder it will be to heal. 

It wasn't nothing; you had genuine feelings fir him. But it wasn't what you seem to believe it was. It was an affair with a married opportunist. 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Crazelnut

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Did it never cross your mind that  you were the "other woman" and that as such the whole thing was likely going nowhere?
"My wife doesn't understand me" is  the old cliché and joke.
Did you never think you were living  in the fantasyland of a guy merely cheating on his wife?
Why did you throw your heart at a guy who was married and living 3000 miles away? 
What made you take that huge risk?
 

I was not looking to throw my heart at a guy 3000 miles away it was a mere hi what have you been up to for the last 25 plus years? It all went from there.. Nothing was intentional. I do know I was wrong for continuing and now  toggle in my mind back and forth between missing the connection to feeling scorned and sour. I suppose it will just take retraining of my thoughts.   

[Myabee]

23 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

As long as you keep thinking of this as some romance novel, deep soul connection, or unique love, you will be stuck. I know it feels that way. They ALL feel that way. But the truth is, this was a pretty typical affair with a married man. The usual excuses, the push/pull, getting thrown under the bus, all of it. The longer you idealize the "deep connection," the harder it will be to heal. 

It wasn't nothing; you had genuine feelings fir him. But it wasn't what you seem to believe it was. It was an affair with a married opportunist. 

Yes.Genuine feelings for sure as well as opportunist does nail him.   

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yes.Genuine feelings for sure as well as opportunist does nail him.   

So this is all you got from that post? 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

But it wasn't what you seem to believe it was. It was an affair with a married opportunist. 

Yep, and it ended in the typical way most affairs end.  Nothing special about it.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

So this is all you got from that post? 

We had a good connection 25 years ago... it was the same connection. That connection was special way before boundaries were crossed an all the affair fog set in. Yes it's over. I expected it at some point. Only hoped we both agreed to end it vs it all going down the way it did. But I can't keep looking back. But he made an impact on me in others way besides the affair. Good atricle right here.

 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/mary-mcmahon/2015/06/why-you-cant-let-that-one-person-go-no-matter-how-hard-you-try/  

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Yep, and it ended in the typical way most affairs end.  Nothing special about it.

Sadly it's too bad affairs start and it's certainly a shame most end the way they do. I read that it normally takes a full year to come to better terms from a loss of life and typically 1/2 that time to get over an ex issue. So I'm looking at 9 months... that's July let's hope it's much better by then.I've also made it past text craving part that took 2 weeks. It was 3 weeks today last time we spoke. I've also noticed that he's in my head but not as much as he was the first week it ended. I have more better days then bad now. This is his loss. I am a terrific woman and he bailed for money!!! Money.....!!!! Not love. 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Myabee

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

We had a good connection 25 years ago... it was the same connection. That connection was special way before boundaries were crossed an all the affair fog set in.

I don't know if you are aware but men(usually) who are ripe for an affair do tend to look around for suitable OW candidates from their past.
They hope to find someone who has lingering feelings for them. HS sweethearts, friends from school/college, exes, work colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances in fact anyone who he thinks  he can convince he had feelings for, and she was "the one that got away..."
Women do tend to be suckers for this type of romantic fairy story...
Here, you very conveniently popped into his inbox...

[Myabee]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't know if you are aware but men(usually) who are ripe for an affair do tend to look around for suitable OW candidates from their past.
They hope to find someone who has lingering feelings for them. HS sweethearts, friends from school/college, exes, work colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances in fact anyone who he thinks  he can convince he had feelings for, and she was "the one that got away..."
Women do tend to be suckers for this type of romantic fairy story...
Here, you very conveniently popped into his inbox...

I never really had taken the time to look into affairs as it's not something I ever got involved with even though I was in a very unhappy marriage for many years. My mind never entertained the thought of anything like that. It's not the answer. You work on yourself and if the marriage does not work you get your plan together to leave it. That's where I was at when we connected in conversation. He might have very well be an opportunist of the vulnerable.? Who knows? 

[Allupinnit]

On 12/10/2021 at 3:12 PM, Myabee said:

Sadly it's too bad affairs start and it's certainly a shame most end the way they do. I read that it normally takes a full year to come to better terms from a loss of life and typically 1/2 that time to get over an ex issue. So I'm looking at 9 months... that's July let's hope it's much better by then.I've also made it past text craving part that took 2 weeks. It was 3 weeks today last time we spoke. I've also noticed that he's in my head but not as much as he was the first week it ended. I have more better days then bad now. This is his loss. I am a terrific woman and he bailed for money!!! Money.....!!!! Not love. 

You are a terrific woman but he never planned to leave his marriage.  That was never an option for him.  He bailed because he's married.

[Myabee]

22 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

You are a terrific woman but he never planned to leave his marriage.  That was never an option for him.  He bailed because he's married.

That's really nice to say. Yes I think he did bail because of that. 23 days today... seems almost impossible it's been that long. The book This is me letting you go by Heidi Priebe is excellent. I did write a long letter to xmm plan to share with my therapist today at appointment.  I do think it's sad though that he stays because she makes the money... that's no way to live if your not happy with your spouse. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by Myabee