do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

I think you need to pay a little more attention to your 180 on NC. I definitely believe that closure is important, and I hope you've gotten it, but my guess is that this was more about scratching an itch than it was a well reasoned measure to obtain closure.

Moving on is never a linear process; we move forward, fall down, go backwards, move forward again, etc. But I think you should investigate how easily you a) decided to contact him (by letter, which you swore was final, and then by fake phone #) and b) how you kept prodding him to get a response. And what if he had said, "Yes, let's be friends!" when you said, "So we can't be friends???" Then where would you be?

What are you going to do the next time you get "the itch"? If you say, oh, you never will, well that's exactly what you said before you reached out. Try to take ownership of your motives and choices here.

I guess you did not read the part where he left it kinda open... I needed to hear over... done... closure.... got that. Thanks 

[Myabee]

30 minutes ago, Maylady said:

Well I'm truly glad you own you're own part of this completely hurtful situation. As one who has been in your situation, and made horrible decisions myself.  I'm so tired of the sugar coating and the victim card and the trashing of the MM who did make bad choices , like you and I did.  I'm tired of using a broad brush....saying these MM are the players, the bad villains,...in order to brush over our own horrible behaviour.   The MM are so freaking horrible.  And the wives are crap too, for forgiving and putting up with their cheating ways   I'm getting sick of saying ... but I'm the good one...he wronged me.  He's a piece of dirt for not rewarding me for being a cheating horrible person too.  This is mostly directed at myself, as I have also been in collusion with a married man.  We can't heal if we, ourselves don't call ourselves out on our own reprehensible behaviour 

Yup! we have to own our part! Im doing that. Good luck to you.. xx

[stillafool]

On 1/11/2022 at 5:53 AM, Myabee said:

 I truly am leaning more toward the scenerio of the wife if truly did find out then it was talked around in circles that I was just a little more then a friend. He saved face! That's what he did here.

What circles?  Are you saying the wife has heard rumors about you and her husband in their social circles?  How would they know about you or want to discuss you with her?

[stillafool]

On 1/10/2022 at 7:31 PM, czanclus said:

I still stand by my conviction that there's no love for his wife either, he's just a scared aging man, too weak to give up his comforts that the wife provides to significant level. And his wife, just as pathetic, instead of dropping the lame cheat, orders him never to contact you like he's some infantile wimp incapable of exercising his own judgment of steps he needs to take to make his marriage work. All he's doing is trying to save his sorry behind. All she is doing is asserting her control. Pathetic lame people that should be left far in the dust on the journey to memories of deserving quality.

I'm not really sure that he doesn't have love for his wife.  Why stay?  Myabee has admitted that she has wealth, much more than MM's wife who is a nurse, so money would not be an issue if he left his wife for Myabee.  I doubt his wife knows anything about any of this.  It seems he's just using his "wife found out"  as his excuse to end this affair with Myabee.  He started pulling away from Myabee the moment he felt pressure.  Whatever his reason for ending it that goodness he did as Myabee deserves better than him and frankly so does his wife.

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

What circles?  Are you saying the wife has heard rumors about you and her husband in their social circles?  How would they know about you or want to discuss you with her?

Not social circles I was saying he talked the wife in circles that nothing much happened. Thats so far from the truth. Anyway it all does not matter anymore... I'm enjoying my birthday thanks! 

[stillafool]

Happy Birthday Myabee!  Didn't know it was you B-day.  You deserve a break today!!!!

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm not really sure that he doesn't have love for his wife.  Why stay?  Myabee has admitted that she has wealth, much more than MM's wife who is a nurse, so money would not be an issue if he left his wife for Myabee.  I doubt his wife knows anything about any of this.  It seems he's just using his "wife found out"  as his excuse to end this affair with Myabee.  He started pulling away from Myabee the moment he felt pressure.  Whatever his reason for ending it that goodness he did as Myabee deserves better than him and frankly so does his wife.

Yess! The wife I am sure knows absolutely nothing about this affair hence the reason for his excuse... in saying that on the phone she did not ask for details. What wife would not want to know more if a real repair were to take place.... he lied! They all lie!  Also.... after he returned from a trip in October to AZ he was more distant. The man was so desperate for sex and Im putting money on the fact that he got with a newly single younger co worker! Bamm. New other woman. Just connected that like the other night. Again though best I al away from a man like him.  

Edited January 12, 2022 by Myabee

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Happy Birthday Myabee!  Didn't know it was you B-day.  You deserve a break today!!!!

Thank you.. ❤️

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

 The man was so desperate for sex and Im putting money on the fact that he got with a newly single younger co worker! Bamm. New other woman. Just connected that like the other night. Again though best I al away from a man like him.  

Yep! and one closer to him.  Two OW are too much headache and time.  So one has to go and it's usually the one who wants more than just an affair.  It takes all the fun away from him because at that point his lies start to catch up to him and he is no longer a sacrificing hero in her eyes.  No more ego boost for him which he craves.  She'll get nexted also as soon as she thinks he's going to leave his wife for her.

Edited January 12, 2022 by stillafool

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yep! and one closer to him.  Two OW are too much headache and time.  So one has to go and it's usually the one who wants more than just an affair.  It takes all the fun away from him because at that point his lies start to catch up to him and he is no longer a sacrificing hero in her eyes.  No more ego boost for him which he craves.  She'll get nexted also as soon as she thinks he's going to leave his wife for her.

Boy I hope thats all true.. 😂 Lol

[Myabee]

I wanted to say something I'm learning and this helps. For any OW or OM that lost your AP... think of it this way "His/ her loss not mine". This thinking helps me.Helps remind Me of my value. xx 

[Myabee]

Done with the rest of the bs I have valid confirmation from other sources.... I am informing his wife.. This is not from a place of revenge at this point I feel she needs to know what her husband is up too. You see in this case so I have learned, He saves face then does this again and again. I have no problem being honest about my part and also speaking without emotion. I do not love nor desire this man any longer. Have at me...  i know you all will.  

[heartwhole2]

I'm a BW, and I do believe that everyone deserves to know the truth of their lives. But I also believe that the AP should be the last person to do it.

You deflected when I pointed out in my last post that you seemed to be contradicting yourself because of heightened emotions. I still think that's what is going on here.

My advice is to wait. You can always inform her tomorrow. But if you inform her today, you can't take it back. Wait. See a counselor. Deal with your own issues first. Put on your own oxygen mask. Then, from a place of healing and compassion, you can make a clear decision.

FWIW, my opinion of my husband's OW was that she couldn't be that terrible if he liked her. But if she had done what you are proposing, it would have felt icky and invasive. You go after my husband and after he ends things, THEN you decide I need to know? It would have made it really easy to triangulate against the OW. I'm sure I would have said, "How could you have ever been attracted to that psycho?"

It was never your place to be part of someone else's marriage. Work on letting go without lashing out. It will be better for all in the end.

[basil67]

@heartwhole2 is right.  The wife deserves to be told by someone who cares about her and who will be there to support her.    She does not deserve to be told by an OW with a grudge who will walk away from the chaos she just caused.

 

[Myabee]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@heartwhole2 is right.  The wife deserves to be told by someone who cares about her and who will be there to support her.    She does not deserve to be told by an OW with a grudge who will walk away from the chaos she just caused.

 

The chaos the OW just caused? No.That would not be me. I care enough to inform of the insidious behavior that repeats. Why not give a person profound truth to evaluate the direction of their life?  

[Pumpernickel]

@Myabeeyou can certainly do what you feel is right, but morals aside - it wouldn’t be a very good luck to “tattle” now, after the whole thing is over. If you want to be on the moral high horse and do the right thing, break up with the guy first, and then tell the BW, if you have to. 
Don’t do it after he dumped you, or while you’re still involved. You’d look desperate and revengeful. That’s just my practical advice. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

The chaos the OW just caused? No.That would not be me. I care enough to inform of the insidious behavior that repeats. Why not give a person profound truth to evaluate the direction of their life?  

No, if you cared enough, you wouldn't not have been having an affair with her husband.   At present, you're playing the role of the bitter OW who is going to blow up the BW's world because she's mad at the MM.  

As it was suggested earlier, the person who tells needs to be someone who cares.   Not someone who participated in the hurt, drops a bomb and walks away.

Edited January 22, 2022 by basil67

[Tullyseptember]

I hope you take some more time before you contact your affair partners wife....if she doesn't already know about her husband's actions her marriage as she knew is about to be shaken to the core  

I really feel for her, the pain is going to be immense.

 

[basil67]

I wanted to add a bit more to what I wrote earlier.   You may well be doing this because you've started to care about her, however her perception of your actions will be very different.  She's not going to grateful to you because your participation in the hurt is more far significant than your honesty.  

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

.... I am informing his wife.. This is not from a place of revenge at 

Do you have her contact info? You can give her details and facts, but snakes like this will just paint you as a psycho Fatal Attraction case. 

He'll tell her it meant nothing, it's over now, etc. That you chased him he had a weak moment that you are crazy etc.

Remember cheaters are excellent liars and know how to spin anything to their advantage.

He threw you under the bus and will do so again. She will not leave him and he won't be yours or even phased if you tell her.

[Bubble_20]

This thread feels like attention seeking now. What happened to stopping the “affair talk” and moving on with your life?

This “relationship” was email banter at best. What exactly are you going to tell her? You could risk coming off looking like a fool because you’ve no idea how he’ll portray YOU. 

Don’t get me wrong, swapping saucy or romantic emails with a married man is very poor behaviour, and I’m sure she’ll be pissed. But if you’ve not actually been meeting up and he hasn’t been absent from home to spend time with you, what exactly are you going to tell her you’ve both been up to?? 

MM will easily be able to wriggle out of any nonsense you tell her because you haven’t actually been involved in any meaningful way.

Try and move on now before you make a proper fool out of yourself. His marriage is non of your business. Let them work that out.
Be thankful you didn’t engage in a proper affair or relationship that really could have ruined your life.   
 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Daliah]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

Done with the rest of the bs I have valid confirmation from other sources.... I am informing his wife.. This is not from a place of revenge at this point I feel she needs to know what her husband is up too. You see in this case so I have learned, He saves face then does this again and again. I have no problem being honest about my part and also speaking without emotion. I do not love nor desire this man any longer. Have at me...  i know you all will.  

You’re angry Myabee, and I understand why. You keep self flagellating and torturing yourself over this effwit. Now your mad because you’ve discovered that’s who he really is and you want to get even with him by indirectly blowing up his wife’s life.  That’s really awful. I’m sorry to say it but it IS out of revenge.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/8/2021 at 6:00 PM, Myabee said:

 I am separated with divorce on the horizon. We meet in person in May when he was in my area to visit family. 

So you met one time and it was just friends?  Otherwise it was mostly talking?

Focus on your upcoming divorce. Get support from friends family and a good therapist. 

How are your adult children handling the divorce?

Did your husband cheat on you? Is that where this revenge fantasy is coming from?

Edited January 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[heartwhole2]

One way to tell if you are basing your decisions on reason is whether you are being consistent with your stated reasoning.

Are you now going to counsel every OW here to inform the BW? Are you a passionate anti-affair crusader now?

How many times have you tried contacting him since November? How many Google Voice numbers of alternate FB profiles have you used to see if he would respond? That didn't work, so you sent a letter asking for a phone call, which you got, promising you felt great and had closure. It's likely that this step is just another extension of your feeling "I will not be ignored!"

I had forgotten that this was an EA. Often MM will be caught having a PA and tell their BW it was only an EA. Well, that can't have happened because yours wasn't a PA. So it does seem like you have very little new information to offer BW. Again, this indicates that your desire is about you and not about BW.

What does your therapist say about this plan?

Closure is not a feeling. Closure is a choice to focus on self-care, on compassion for self and others, on acceptance. Some days you will feel you have it. Some days it will be a struggle. But it's the act of choosing to move on that counts.

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have her contact info? You can give her details and facts, but snakes like this will just paint you as a psycho Fatal Attraction case. 

He'll tell her it meant nothing, it's over now, etc. That you chased him he had a weak moment that you are crazy etc.

Remember cheaters are excellent liars and know how to spin anything to their advantage.

He threw you under the bus and will do so again. She will not leave him and he won't be yours or even phased if you tell her.

I do not want him. She can think it meant nothing but with 18 months worth of many text words directly from him it will be abundantly clear that it was not nothing. It's pretty sick that this is a pattern for him. Idk??🤦‍♀️