Trouble Moving on

[aleighan]

I am sure I am not alone when I say that I have had trouble moving on from my divorce which occurred in January of 2017. Problem is, I'm not having trouble moving on from my ex-husband. I did not love him when I decided that a divorce was what I wanted and I still to this day do not love him. The problem I'm having trouble moving on from is that our divorce was finalized in  February and then in July, he tells me that he is dating a friend of mine. Now this was not just any friend. Our families were Neighbors when I was just five years old. I became friends with her and her sisters and we grew up together. Her and her sisters were in and out of my life growing up. I did not I think that our friendship was a two-way street. I always felt as though it was a one-way Street and that should have been my red flag in the beginning. It has been four years and I know that they are now married with a child. He and I struggled to get pregnant for 4 years. She was pregnant by him within a year. There is a lot more to the story, but I feel as though I should have worked through all of this 4 years later. But it really has just been like a monkey on my back. I do go to therapy for this reason and for reasons why is my family as well. I feel like therapy has been helping but I thought I would reach out and see if there are other people that have dealt with this and their life and what helps them cope with the hurt and betrayal....I would love to hear others thoughts and comments, and am I crazy for still allowing this to effect me? I think what I can't get passed is how they can think what they did is okay, and that they will live happily ever after. I have done things in my life that I wish I could take back and I just don't get how some people can hurt people for their own selfish reasons, and still claim to be happy.  

Edited July 8, 2021 by aleighan
Misspelling

[glows]

I don't think that betrayal and pain is ever going to go away unless you are ready to let go of it. That means no longer feeding it with sadness and insecurity or wondering what you could have done differently with your female friend or your husband in your marriage. Let go of that self-doubt and pain. Easier said than done.

If you keep telling yourself that you are in pain and hurt and she was a bad friend and he was a terrible husband, you'll continue to keep living that narrative. Let it go. He's some guy you knew for some time and back to being some guy he is, not your husband, not a bad person - just some guy you knew. And she was someone you also knew growing up and for a long time but she's no longer in your life. Bring new friendships in.

[aleighan]

@glows thank you for the advice. i just feel as though i have so much i wish to say to them, but what good would it do? It is most definitely easier said than done to not allow the thoughts to circle in my head. 

I am no longer who i was when I met him, none the less who i was when I was still married to him. We were both young. I just wish he didn't end up with someone I considered my friend. 

[glows]

I had a lot of thoughts also especially during and after separation. The divorce was tough but smooth sailing. There were no third parties and as far as I know there was no one else on his end or nothing serious that I knew of so I cannot imagine the hurt and betrayal you are going through. I wrote in a journal and kept most of my thoughts to myself because I knew no one could find that peace but me. That's all purely self-driven on my end and it's something you can do too. You have the added help of a therapist so what does your therapist recommend?

She's not part of your life any longer but you can still cherish the memories of past, especially from your childhood. When something traumatic happens the brain tends to selectively remember what it wants and block out other negative things. You don't have to toss the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I found a lot of balance learning to appreciate what those experiences taught me and cherishing also the good parts of the marriage. Not sure if this helps.

 

[Blind-Sided]

First... there really isn't any betrayal. here.  You were working on a D before they started dating... right?  So, to me... part of your recovery needs to be, that you see the words you are using are not the truth. 

Anyway... your feelings are your feelings. but if your D has been final for 4 years... then you obviously still have feelings for your exH on some level. regardless if it's for him directly, or for the life (with him) that was lost.  So... like using the wrong words, and reinforcing wrong ideas... you need to accept the fact that you do have feelings, and not just use words to try to convince yourself otherwise.    

In my own life... I was having troubles when the exW pulled away, and hit me with all kinds of crap that I didn't agree with.  For months, I was crying and couldn't control my emotions. But as she got cruel... it was much easier to see there was a real menial issue, and accept that she was no longer the person I married.  It took over a year... but I can now stand and have a conversation with her (we have to interact because of kids)... and have ZERO feelings.   So... until you can do that... you can not say that you do not love/have feelings for your exH.   Once you accept that you do have feelings... then you can move forward.

But I'm guessing that the core of this is... you are seeing the life you were hoping for... but never got... with a close friend.  

I wish you peace on moving forward.

[stillafool]

I also don't see it as a betrayal because you were in the process of divorce and then he started dating her.   You say this is a friend who lived next to you when you were growing up but you don't say whether she was friends with you and your husband while you were married.  At any rate, you no longer loved/love your ex husband, wanted a divorce, are divorced and still not in love with him, so why not let him and her find happiness with each other.  I think it could be more about the jealousy that they have a child together.   It's good you're in therapy about this.  Are you presently dating anyone?

[Lotsgoingon]

Moving on happens in two ways. The way most of us think about it is that you first have to feel ready to move, feel moved on and then you go out there and live like you're a free person.

But moving on also works in the opposite direction. You get out there and create a life. You go to activities, do good things, meet people, BEFORE you feel fully healed and as long as you're healed enough, you can enjoy your activities and enjoy meeting people and enjoy your life. And one day you look up and you feel moved on. But you feel moved on because you have a great life.

Whenever my mind got stuck in thinking about an ex (especially an ex I didn't want) that was a sign that something was wrong in my current life. Maybe watching too much tv, too isolated, not taking care of my health, not going out at all.