Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) - We have known each other since [we were kids] - She dumped me [] months ago, I made the relationship toxic.. insecure, jealous, controlling - She wanted to remain friends, I politely denied - Have been doing Therapy, I changed a LOT as a persn - [] weeks No Contact - [] weeks ago she posted some mixed messages to me, on Instagram, trying to get myattention - [] days ago I messaged her saying I agreed to be friends ( There is a truth to that, but I still want her ) - [] days ago I texted her and asked her out for a walk/run in the park, she accepted it and was happy to hear from me, it was fun, we laughed a lot, talked a lot, I acted confident and light headed.. I flirted with her a little - Our sex used to be AMAZING, we even joked about it sometimes, she knows it and I know it - In the end of the meetup I asked if she wanted to go to a bar next week, she immediatily accepted it ( it is a Bar that we went when we first started dating ) - I got home and she sent me some messages, chased me a little.. - Today I answered all her messages ( we text a lot ) at 10am, she ignored it the hole day.. Yeah, but Im pretty sure she will answer it, and then I will wait for a couple of days and then ask her about the bar MY QUESTION IS: Should I ask if she wants to go to my place to watch a movie after the bar..: - somehours before the bar meetup - during the bar meetup? My goal is to reattract her because I know where I was wrong and I know I wont mess things up this time.. I know I could give her a healthy and loving relationship Edited July 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator personal information Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Oh, goodness no! Do not invite her back to your place after the bar - it sounds like you want a hookup. Too much, far too soon. I suggest that while you're talking at the bar, tell her about the journey you've been on. Talk about the therapy and the things you realised you did wrong and apologise for your previous behaviour. If she wants to go back to your place let her suggest it, but you don't offer this early. Remember: softly, softly, catchee monkey Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, basil67 said: Oh, goodness no! Do not invite her back to your place after the bar - it sounds like you want a hookup. Too much, far too soon. I suggest that while you're talking at the bar, tell her about the journey you've been on. Talk about the therapy and the things you realised you did wrong and apologise for your previous behaviour. If she wants to go back to your place let her suggest it, but you don't offer this early. Remember: softly, softly, catchee monkey We already met.. went to the park 2 days ago. Had fun, laughed, I talked about all my changes! Now would be the “ second date “.. and come on, my ex accepted to go to a Bar with me.. its obvious that I want to hookup,no? And I want to spike those emotions in her.. if we keep going out and nothing happens wouldnt I fall on the friendzone?! ( I think I already am ) I want her I want to hookup with her! I know she still finds me attractive.. Edited July 9, 2021 by Anoonymous Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) xxx Edited July 9, 2021 by basil67 editing Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 8 minutes ago, Anoonymous said: Now would be the “ second date “.. and come on, my ex accepted to go to a Bar with me.. its obvious that I want to hookup,no? And I want to spike those emotions in her.. if we keep going out and nothing happens wouldnt I fall on the friendzone?! ( I think I already am ) A woman accepts an invitation to a bar so she should know that the guy is expecting a hookup? Whoa! Dude, did you do any respectful relationship lessons at school??? If a woman accepts going to a bar, she's indicated that she wants to go to a bar. Nothing more. To spike emotions, gently woo her and let her gain trust in you by showing that you've become respectful of her. And yes, you may well be in the friendzone and this is yet another reason why offering a hookup could well go badly. Given your approach here, I'm thinking that you need a bit more therapy . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: A woman accepts an invitation to a bar so she should know that the guy is expecting a hookup? Whoa! Dude, did you do any respectful relationship lessons at school??? If a woman accepts going to a bar, she's indicated that she wants to go to a bar. Nothing more. To spike emotions, gently woo her and let her gain trust in you by showing that you've become respectful of her. And yes, you may well be in the friendzone and this is yet another reason why offering a hookup could well go badly. Given your approach here, I'm thinking that you need a bit more therapy . Dude, everysingle woman that I went to a bar with I ended hooking up with her at the end of the night... Think about it, your my ex gf and suddenly I ( your ex bf ) asks u out.. isnt it obvious? She dumped me just 1 month ago.. come on man She knows I respect her.. she trusts me I just need help on what would be my best shot at reattracting her man, thats all.. if you could help me Edited July 9, 2021 by Anoonymous Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 But this isn't picking up a random on a night out. This is trying to get back together with someone who you drove away with your insecure, jealous and controlling behaviour. It's been only on month and one date since she dumped you - no way does she have full trust in you yet. And even you concede that you may well be in the friendzone. So no, you cannot assume she's up for sex. I've already given you my advice for the best shot at reattracting her: take it easy and slow. Let her lead the way. Now, if she ends up with her foot caressing your nether-regions under the table during the date, by all means suggest going back to yours. But otherwise, take it more slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Ok, so I asked my daughter for advice - she is your age. She says that it's OK to ask her back to yours, but do it on the date and only if she's giving signs that she's up for it. She also commented that the two of talking about the previous good sex is a good sign. Lastly, she told me that I'm of the wrong generation to be answering this Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 You haven't changed. Real change with therapy takes YEARS. You are also not NC. You are connected on social media. You texted her. You messaged her. You still read her IG. NC means you are disconnected on all platforms including social media. You should not be able to see what she posts. Her # should no longer be in your phone. That is NC. Until you implement that you won't get over her. Seeing her is the worst thing you can do to yourself. You want her back. Hanging around as some sort of "friend" is bogus. You want more but she's moved on. You are just there. She's busy chasing other guys & being happy being single. You don't need a front row seat to that. She won't come back to you just because you are there. In fact she will grow to resent your presence. With you around she will have fewer opportunities to meet new men. If she does meet somebody he will want you gone. As much as you want to, you can't reattract her. That ship sailed. When she looks at you, she remembers all the toxic stuff: the jealousy, the insecurity, the control. You can't un-ring that bell. She's been there, done that with you. To her, getting back with you would be more of the same & she doesn't want that. I know you are working on yourself which is great but it hasn't been enough time for real changes to happen. Again that takes years not a few weeks. She's not going to back to a situation that wasn't working for her. Your best bet is to walk away. Really go NC. Disconnect everywhere. Work on yourself. Date others. She's not coming back so stop torturing yourself by trying to win her over 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 5 hours ago, Anoonymous said: I want to hookup with her Why did she break up with you? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why did she break up with you? See below: 5 hours ago, Anoonymous said: - She dumped me 1 month ago, I made the relationship toxic.. insecure, jealous, controlling Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 Yeah so she is ignoring me.. its been more than 24hours now I feel like complete s*** I was so stupid, only if I could go back in time She used to love me so much, now she doesnt even care to asnwer me... doesnt see my value I dont get it.. everything was going great, she agreed going to a bar with me.. even chased me a little.. now she is ignoring Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 ^^^ shouldn't have played games with leaving her on read Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 1 minute ago, Mrin said: ^^^ shouldn't have played games with leaving her on read But I didnt man... I said that if she answer me than I will take my time to answer her back.. but she is the one ignoring me Edited July 9, 2021 by Anoonymous Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 39 minutes ago, Anoonymous said: But I didnt man... I said that if she answer me than I will take my time to answer her back.. but she is the one ignoring me Oh ok. Ah well. Just play it cool and see if she resurfaces. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 52 minutes ago, Anoonymous said: everything was going great, she agreed going to a bar with me.. even chased me a little.. now she is ignoring She met up with you again on the grounds that you had changed from the toxic person you had become which was the cause of the break up. When you met up, she didn't see enough evidence of change to want to reconcile & date you again. She knows you want to get back together. She does not. So she is ignoring you. You can't turn back time. All you can do is learn from what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 Just now, d0nnivain said: She met up with you again on the grounds that you had changed from the toxic person you had become which was the cause of the break up. When you met up, she didn't see enough evidence of change to want to reconcile & date you again. She knows you want to get back together. She does not. So she is ignoring you. You can't turn back time. All you can do is learn from what happened. She said she is glad that im changing.. yes she saw my changes, I told her a lot of realizations that I had and she was glad to hear it.. And how do you know exactly what she is thinking man? She chased me after out meetup.. she sent 3 messages to me right after I got home.. then we continue talking and suddenly she disappeared! But she was very happy when she agreed to go to a bar with me.. I just dont know why she is doing this now... Its been 1 full day now.. should I start to worry or its normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Anoonymous said: ... doesnt see my value Just keep working on yourself because "insecure, jealous, controlling" is not "value" and has no value. 12 hours ago, Anoonymous said: I made the relationship toxic.. insecure, jealous, controlling Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) Just for clarification, I'm a woman. I don't know if your "man" was generic. As a woman I just get the sense that if she wanted to get back together with you, she would let you know. As somebody old enough to be your mom, who dated with far less technology, I wouldn't be so hung up about it being a whole day since your last communication. Do something fun for yourself this weekend. It's summer & you're young. Opportunities abound. Just because we have the ability to be in contact 24/7 doesn't mean we have the obligation to do that. On Monday if you still haven't heard from her, try a new approach like flowers. It might not work so don't go crazy. I'm thinking a $20 bouquet you get at the grocery store not some expensive delivery from a florist. You need to show her by your actions that you want a romance to work. You admit this ended because you were toxic: insecure, jealous & controlling. Are you going to be OK with whatever or whoever made you feel insecure & jealous? You really have to have a good handle on where things went wrong & know how you will deal with them going forward. If she has a new guy she was talking to you & his presence in her life as a "friend" is what made you crazy, if that guy is still around, how does that play out? She's not gonna drop him. Then what? Are you really sure going backwards is the best idea? Edited July 9, 2021 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Just keep working on yourself because "insecure, jealous, controlling" is not "value" and has no value. But this doesnt define me as a person... I made her happy too! We had great moments and great sex!! Why do I need to be punished so badly.. people can change! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Just now, Anoonymous said: Why do I need to be punished so badly. You're not being 'punished'. You treated her rotten and she doesn't want to hook up with you. She's too mature for you and needs someone who appreciates more than just hookups. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Just for clarification, I'm a woman. I don't know if your "man" was generic. As a woman I just get the sense that if she wanted to get back together with you, she would let you know. As somebody old enough to be your mom, who dated with far less technology, I wouldn't be so hung up about it being a whole day since your last communication. Do something fun for yourself this weekend. It's summer & you're young. Opportunities abound. Just because we have the ability to be in contact 24/7 doesn't mean we have the obligation to do that. On Monday if you still haven't heard from her, try a new approach like flowers. It might now work so don't go crazy. I'm thinking a $20 bouquet you get at the grocery store not some expensive delivery from a florist. You need to show her by your actions that you want a romance to work. You admit this ended because you were toxic: insecure, jealous & controlling. Are you going to be OK with whatever or whoever made you feel insecure & jealous? You really have to have a good handle on where things went wrong & know how you will deal with them going forward. If she has a new guy she was talking to you & his presence in her life as a "friend" is what made you crazy, if that guy is still around, how does that play out? She's not gonna drop him. Then what? Are you really sure going backwards is the best idea? I thought you were a man, sorry. Well, yes I had problems with her guyfriends.. I thought a lot about that and no, if we got back together I wouldnt have a problem with her male friends... Only thing I wouldnt be cool with is if she f***ed one of those friends.. then I think that is disrespect to contnue talking to them if she is in a relationship.. but I remember that at the tine she agreed with me on this, so thats ok.. I dont think that flowers would be a good idea.. I think that I would push her away even more! Ill just wait and see if she answers me.. if she does then I will just take my time and invite her to the bar Edited July 9, 2021 by Anoonymous Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You're not being 'punished'. You treated her rotten and she doesn't want to hook up with you. She's too mature for you and needs someone who appreciates more than just hookups. Well, I appreciate more than just hookups.. I just want to hookup with her so we can get closer emotionally... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Do not invite her to the bar. That's not a good lets get back together date. That is wanna hook up. She's gonna take a hard pass on that. Offer anything else -- mini golf, real golf, a trip to a beach or pool, a day in a museum, horseback riding, kayaking. What you do doesn't matter but hey meet me at the bar is just classless. As you saying all opposite friends are a no go, or only EXs lovers masquerading as friends? For example, if she got a new BF, you'd have to be out of her life as an EX but if she has some guy she knew in HS but never dated / kissed / had sex with, he can stay as can some similarly neutral guy she met in class or at work? Hooking up with her will not make her feel closer to you emotionally. It will make her feel used, like she's trash you F**k & get rid of. Understand 2 things: men need to have sex to feel loved; women need to feel loved to have sex it's always a buyer's market & the buyer's preferences control. You are "selling" yourself meaning you want her to pick you as her BF. That means she sets the tone / rules. Now go back to my 1st point. You need to think romance not sex. Until you do, she wants nothing to do with what you're peddling. Good luck. I'm not optimistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anoonymous Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Do not invite her to the bar. That's not a good lets get back together date. That is wanna hook up. She's gonna take a hard pass on that. Offer anything else -- mini golf, real golf, a trip to a beach or pool, a day in a museum, horseback riding, kayaking. What you do doesn't matter but hey meet me at the bar is just classless. As you saying all opposite friends are a no go, or only EXs lovers masquerading as friends? For example, if she got a new BF, you'd have to be out of her life as an EX but if she has some guy she knew in HS but never dated / kissed / had sex with, he can stay as can some similarly neutral guy she met in class or at work? Hooking up with her will not make her feel closer to you emotionally. It will make her feel used, like she's trash you F**k & get rid of. Understand 2 things: men need to have sex to feel loved; women need to feel loved to have sex it's always a buyer's market & the buyer's preferences control. You are "selling" yourself meaning you want her to pick you as her BF. That means she sets the tone / rules. Now go back to my 1st point. You need to think romance not sex. Until you do, she wants nothing to do with what you're peddling. Good luck. I'm not optimistic. If she met a guy but never had anything sexual with him, than I wouldnt have a problem with that. ( my old me would ) If she is talking to a guy that she had a sexual past, than I would have a problem. And I get your point... but I think that my past insecure behavior turned her off! She is not attracted to me anymore.. so why the hell would she want any kind of romance with me? She needs to be attracted first... that why I am trying to go to a bar with her! So we can spice things up once again.. and then emotions would start to rise again! It doesnt make sense if it isnt that way... She needs to feel attracted to me first.. otherwise she will just see me as a needy, non value, clingy guy! Edited July 9, 2021 by Anoonymous Link to post Share on other sites
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