rainbowchaser Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) Have been dating a guy for about 5 months now. In the past 2 months, he cancelled on me last minute 2 times about a month apart. Both times were kinda bulletproof excuses - personal emergency and a stomach flu. Recently we started following each other on Instagram and I saw a friend tagged him out at a club on both of these occasions. I double-checked the dates to when we had plans. We're now dating exclusively and out of the blue, he's gotten a little distant. Says he has a lot going on with work and a disabled father he is the main caretaker for who he needs to move into a new house. I haven't seen him in about two weeks as he claims he is getting the new house ready, spending time with dad, etc. Last weekend, we had plans but he had to move them. This weekend when I asked what his plans were, he said he couldn't commit to anything because his dad needed him and he didn't want to cancel on me. I am highly suspect of this excuse but am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't shake the feeling that he is seeing other people, even though he asked me to be his girlfriend, or just avoiding me. I am unsure whether I confront him about the lies, or just take a step back in the relationship, i.e., don't ask about plans/wait for him to ask me, or sweep it under the rug as the lies were before we were exclusive..... I should add that his dad needs to be moved by end of month so I could be cool, wait it out and see if he is more proactive about plans once his dad is settled. But my gut tells me there is more to this than what he says Edited July 10, 2021 by rainbowchaser additional info Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 (edited) Did he go clubbing on those days he canceled with you after you checked the dates? Your post is not clear. If the answer is yes, you have a blazing red neon sign that this man is not worth your time. I'm guessing by the title in your post the answer is Yes. He was clubbing and he lied to you. It's five months so I wouldn't bother saying a thing. If it was five years that would be a different matter. At five months if he's shifty around you or such a disappointment, you'll have to calculate or do some evaluating on just how honest he's going to be if you do confront him. Without being confronted he can't be trusted to keep his word or make time for even a 1 hour coffee with you. If you do confront him, would that just produce more lies and shiftiness? A younger self would have demanded to know. I've learned it pays to watch behaviours closely and mirror the level of interest or investment a person is showing towards you in the relationship. If he's not providing you any joy, peace of mind, interest and tends to be piquing more of your distaste, annoyance, confusion, you have your answer already. Asking it out of the very source is not needed and may also be an exercise in futility. Pay attention to the person's actions. Edited July 10, 2021 by glows 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowchaser Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 Thanks for the reply @glows! For clarity, he cancelled both times the day of our dates - 1x family emergency, 1x stomach flu. I believed him and it was just recently when looking at pics on his feed that I saw he was tagged those same nights out at a club. So he cancelled with his bogus excuses, and then went out. The pics were posted the nights he was supposedly with his family, and home sick in bed. Was apt to let this go because we were not exclusive at the time so in my mind less expectation/obligation but now that he is not around as much these past two weeks, not sure I fully trust what he is telling me. To your question, I do really care about and like him. We have a wonderful time together, have great convos and he is very « present » when we are together. But can’t help but feel he is being shady given the past « lies » I have caught him in 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 2 prior bogus excuses, which turned out to be lies & now all this waffling, refusing to make / keep concrete plans is BS. He's just not that into you. Behave accordingly. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 4 hours ago, rainbowchaser said: he cancelled on me last minute 2 times about a month apart. a friend tagged him out at a club on both of these occasions. Ok at 20 weeks dating it's good you're observing major red flags like this. Once you see a bunch of BS like this, it's time to reflect and consider ending it. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 4 hours ago, rainbowchaser said: Have been dating a guy for about 5 months now. In the past 2 months, he cancelled on me last minute 2 times about a month apart. Both times were kinda bulletproof excuses - personal emergency and a stomach flu. Recently we started following each other on Instagram and I saw a friend tagged him out at a club on both of these occasions. I double-checked the dates to when we had plans. We're now dating exclusively and out of the blue, he's gotten a little distant. Says he has a lot going on with work and a disabled father he is the main caretaker for who he needs to move into a new house. I haven't seen him in about two weeks as he claims he is getting the new house ready, spending time with dad, etc. Last weekend, we had plans but he had to move them. This weekend when I asked what his plans were, he said he couldn't commit to anything because his dad needed him and he didn't want to cancel on me. I am highly suspect of this excuse but am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't shake the feeling that he is seeing other people, even though he asked me to be his girlfriend, or just avoiding me. I am unsure whether I confront him about the lies, or just take a step back in the relationship, i.e., don't ask about plans/wait for him to ask me, or sweep it under the rug as the lies were before we were exclusive..... I should add that his dad needs to be moved by end of month so I could be cool, wait it out and see if he is more proactive about plans once his dad is settled. But my gut tells me there is more to this than what he says Just take a step back. No need for confrontation. No one wants to have "relationship talks" 5 months in. If its nothing, youll feel silly and controlling. If it is him pulling back entirely youll know where he stands by watching his actions soon enough. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 6 hours ago, rainbowchaser said: Thanks for the reply @glows! For clarity, he cancelled both times the day of our dates - 1x family emergency, 1x stomach flu. I believed him and it was just recently when looking at pics on his feed that I saw he was tagged those same nights out at a club. So he cancelled with his bogus excuses, and then went out. The pics were posted the nights he was supposedly with his family, and home sick in bed. Was apt to let this go because we were not exclusive at the time so in my mind less expectation/obligation but now that he is not around as much these past two weeks, not sure I fully trust what he is telling me. To your question, I do really care about and like him. We have a wonderful time together, have great convos and he is very « present » when we are together. But can’t help but feel he is being shady given the past « lies » I have caught him in Yes, you care but can you trust? The answer seems dubious. Relationships are built on trust so have a think about this and take your time. He doesn’t sound so eager to see you anyway. Use that time to think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 6 hours ago, rainbowchaser said: Was apt to let this go because we were not exclusive at the time Are you exclusive now? Has he asked you to be his girlfriend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowchaser Posted July 10, 2021 Author Share Posted July 10, 2021 Appreciate all the words of wisdom. I have always had trust issues (bad relationships in past where I’ve been cheated on and lied to) so sometimes wonder if I am not second-guessing myself. It’s hard when someone seems so great in person but then acts this way … and yes he did ask me to be exclusive a few weeks ago. Has told me many times he hasn’t been out with anyone else while we’ve been dating, and wanted to make official. I just don’t get why he would ask for exclusivity and assure me he wants this and then do the hot and cold. Feels much more like casual dating than a committed relationship 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 10, 2021 Share Posted July 10, 2021 It’ll unravel and unfold on its own(whatever situation he’s in). What you have to decide is whether it’s worth sticking around for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 It doesn't sound like he's actually ready for a committed relationship. Perhaps he likes the idea of a girlfriend more than the reality of it. His interest level doesn't appear to match yours. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, rainbowchaser said: Feels much more like casual dating than a committed relationship "Exclusive" for him could mean he's only having sex with you at this time. However since he's out clubbing and lying about it, he's still looking around. Try not to overcompensate for the past to this extreme and allow your common sense and instincts to be suppressed. You can wait for a three strikes you're out situation...or you can save yourself some headaches and heartaches by cutting your losses sooner. Edited July 11, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 Someone that intentionally lies to hide things from you, regardless of being exclusive or not, speaks volumes about his integrity or I should say lack there of. OP you are being a pushover if you are willing to make excuses for his poor behavior towards you. This should be a deal breaker because it's what to come if you stay with him. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 Some men press for exclusivity, they like their women to be exclusive i.e. she is not seeing other people, but whether that applies to him too can often be another matter... Trust is gone here and I guess he is doing the slow fade too.... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowchaser Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 6:37 PM, glows said: It’ll unravel and unfold on its own(whatever situation he’s in). What you have to decide is whether it’s worth sticking around for. Unravel it did. We made tentative plans for two dates in past few days. The first time, he didn’t get in touch when he said he would. Second time, he cancelled and said he’d call later and never did. That was last night! No word in 24 hours and suspect he is ghosting. I am really at a loss as to how a grown man can act this way. With someone he has been dating for 5 months. It’s so indecent and cruel. And I am so mad at myself for once again investing my time, energy and emotion into someone who clearly doesn’t care at all about me or my feelings. Also disappointed that I wasn’t able to see him for the person he is. I am a horrible judge of character. At this point, I am wondering if I should call/text for some kind of explanation or closure. Or just wait and see if he resurfaces. I know I don’t deserve this and I am literally sick from thinking about it :( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 1 minute ago, rainbowchaser said: No word in 24 hours and suspect he is ghosting. I am really at a loss as to how a grown man can act this way. He had no integrity throughout the relationship, so slithering out like a coward would be consistent with that. Do not run after him for "closure". Closure comes from deleting and blocking him. Closure invariably looks like an attempt to lecture, reconcile, etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowchaser Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 Quote He had no integrity throughout the relationship, so slithering out like a coward would be consistent with that. This!!! ❤️🙌🏻👏🏻 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 14 hours ago, rainbowchaser said: At this point, I am wondering if I should call/text for some kind of explanation or closure. Or just wait and see if he resurfaces. I know I don’t deserve this and I am literally sick from thinking about it Texting him would be a waste of time. He is incapable of giving you an explanation that will satisfy you. Accept that he's a cad & move on. Getting sick over this only harms you. Stop. Make a plan to do something fun with friends this weekend & go from there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 (edited) Always trust your gut. Take a huge step back on this for the time being--until his dad's business is sorted. Quote I just don’t get why he would ask for exclusivity and assure me he wants this and then do the hot and cold. If he doesnt' have time for a relationship, then neither do you; nor do you owe him to take yourself out of the dating market because he's not serious. So far, his behavior is telling you he's not serious: he just doesn't want you out finding someone who'll treat you better. You should make finding someone who treats you better than this your top priority. Edited July 25, 2021 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/10/2021 at 11:46 AM, rainbowchaser said: Was apt to let this go because we were not exclusive at the time He purposely lied to you... and did it right off the bat after meeting you. Do you tolerate your friends lying to you? Link to post Share on other sites
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