Should I walk?

[WS9393]

My partner and I have been having issues quite a lot.

We are fighting approximately once every 3-4 weeks, and in the fighting I always feel that things can be resolved earlier on and dealt with properly without them actually getting to a fight.

Things have been getting really heated between us, and I haven't been enjoying the relationship much at all due to her literally making anything a drama and being quite manipulative. I am never allowed to have a breather or have space when we fight, she always wants to get up in my face and demand to have things fixed on the spot and if I ever want space I just get harassed with messages and threatened to be walked out on if I take a few days to myself as she says she "can't handle it". An issue becomes a 2-3 day event, where I am left majorly stressed, drained and just upset because she just won't come to the table as an adult to productively and constructively troubleshoot any issue. 

With our latest issues, I found out that she had spoken to my family whom I have had big issues with before getting involved in my relationships (for the worse) and I warned her not to out of respect to me. My family have gotten involved in a relationship wrongly before because they happened to like my ex partner years ago and took her side sadly and I wasn't even considered.

So, she saw my family without my knowledge and really put on a show. She said she was so "concerned" about me and spun them stories which were only half truths. I didn't know this meeting took place, and after all our issues I have been trying to put my best foot forward and help us to not have any drama and just try to move on. 

This has caused a massive issue with my family (parents, siblings) as they are feeling "sorry" for her and believe I am to 100% blame for things which I haven't even be able to have my say about, and which I do not agree with. I have had a massive fall out with my family because they have taken her side of events, and she had disclosed some very personal things about our fighting and issues that we agreed we would work on together and try to move forward. 

When I was really upset and told her about this, she said she knew how much it would affect and hurt me and that she just wanted to make a point. She wouldn't apologize for it, and last week I had my suspicions about it and asked her with her saying she would never do that to me to wreck my relationship with my family.

I've been lied to by her, and I am very angry and upset about her involving my family who I feel have turned on me because of her going there and telling them half-truths and painting me out to be a really bad person.

I feel very lost and confused now, because she is trying to gaslight me into saying she is "concerned" about me and she is trying to turn it all back on me and say she wants to keep "trying" in our relationship. I have been quite angry about it, and immediately she is turning my reactions against me saying I am overreacting and that all my "family" are concerned and disappointed in me, all because of BS she has told them. 

I feel that my family relationship is ruined, and I feel she is 100% to blame for it. She turned up yesterday to get her things out of my house and say we are over, and then later on is messaging me wanting me back. 

The worst part is, we made a pact to try and move on together and she has done this which has literally destroyed me by doing this behind my back. 

Edited July 10, 2021 by WS9393
Edit

[stillafool]

I understand how you feel as I had a partner who would do the same thing to me with my parents.  I would tell him if you want to b--ch about me do it with your own relatives.  Soon the resentment was too much and I broke up.  I guess you know by now that if you marry this girl she is going to run to your family every time you have an argument.  Can you live with that?

Edited July 10, 2021 by stillafool

[WS9393]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I understand how you feel as I had a partner who would do the same thing to me with my parents.  I would tell him if you want to b--ch about me do it with your own relatives.  Soon the resentment was too much and I broke up.  I guess you know by now that if you marry this girl she is going to run to your family every time you have an argument.  Can you live with that?

I'm sorry you had a similar experience. The resentment from this is very strong, and due to the massive family fall out - due to me unhappy about how all the proceedings went with them and because I wanted to stand up for myself and the garbage said.

I can't live with it. Yet she is making comments about wanting us to commit further beyond just being partners (moving in, marriage, kids one day etc).

[stillafool]

Well it sounds like you have major decisions ahead of you.  Chose wisely.

[glows]

You only have to remove her from your life permanently. Your family is another matter and a piece of work. Did no one question the messenger? How gullible can they be or rather, how much of their trust have you lost in the past?

If you’ve turned over a new leaf and are starting over, your family might not have caught up or they’re the very toxic people you don’t want in your life either. Think about the relationships that matter to you and those who have supported you without letting nonsense and hearsay get in the way and remove others who don’t add to your life in any way. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, WS9393 said:

She turned up yesterday to get her things out of my house and say we are over, and then later on is messaging me wanting me back. 

The worst part is, we made a pact to try and move on together and she has done this which has literally destroyed me by doing this behind my back. My family have gotten involved in a relationship wrongly before because they happened to like my ex partner years ago and took her side  considered

How long have you been dating? Excellent you ended it and she got her stuff.

Ask your family not to go behind your back and talk to your GFs, they are the common denominator both times your GFs went to them.

 What were her concerns about you? Most of your issues revolve around your family.

[WS9393]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

20 minutes ago, glows said:

You only have to remove her from your life permanently. Your family is another matter and a piece of work. Did no one question the messenger? How gullible can they be or rather, how much of their trust have you lost in the past?

If you’ve turned over a new leaf and are starting over, your family might not have caught up or they’re the very toxic people you don’t want in your life either. Think about the relationships that matter to you and those who have supported you without letting nonsense and hearsay get in the way and remove others who don’t add to your life in any way. 

Thanks for the replies Wiseman and Glows.

Unfortunately no one questioned her. I found out about it and they've taken on board what she had said. I spoke briefly about my side of the story and they had just continued with their belief and concern regarding her point of view anyway. So from that point on, I didn't need to tell them the entire version as it just infuriated me getting involved in it.

We've been dating for 1 and a half years now. I've always kept family at a distance regarding my partner and I as we have had a real rocky time and I knew that if they were to get involved, sides would be taken and I would be made to feel extremely uncomfortable like now.

My partner's concerns are that I cannot have any issue brought up with me because I supposedly "over-react" and get angry. My close friends, colleagues and those who matter all know who I am and most of all I do too and do not agree - so it's a very much manipulated situation.
Unfortunately, I had an ex partner that did a similar thing with my family because they were close, and some lies from that has been taken throughout to now so it has only strengthened family opinion against me.

You're all correct though. And, she took it upon her self to get her things and leave - then I had been bombarded with her asking for me back and wanting to "move forward" when we were supposed to do that a month ago until all the drama since then..

 

[glows]

Your parents have known you from birth or childhood if you were adopted. It doesn’t make sense why they’d believe two girlfriends over you. Be careful about oversharing details of a previous ex. You seem to be repeating patterns dating the same type of woman. Why is this? Are you aware and what’s the appeal of this manipulative lying type? 

As for this most recent ex, keep the door shut on it. If you know you didn’t do anything wrong don’t second guess yourself. There are all kinds of crazy out there so just ignore that completely and move on. Take the lessons only and say good bye to the rest.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, no, no. 

Way too much drama. It's time to end this and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

It seems like an abusive relationship. Why is your family this overinvolved in your dating life?

 

[Caauug]

13 hours ago, WS9393 said:

I have been quite angry about it, and immediately she is turning my reactions against me saying I am overreacting and that all my "family" are concerned and disappointed in me, all because of BS she has told them. 

I see this as a mind game or maybe abuse to destroy your self-confidence. To break your will to fight? Why fight her if she will just get your whole family against you. She can manipulate you easier if you are in a submissive state.

Some people need drama in their lives. If they don't get enough from watching TV, friends/family and they will make drama.

If your GF feels she is successful in manipulating you, she will loose respect for you, her attraction to you will be lowered leading toward the end of the relationship. 

If visiting your family without you was out of bounds or breaking your boundaries for her, treat it the same as any other act that is against your boundaries..... If you roll over and say all is forgiven she will she you have very weak boundaries and are a push over. Leading to her doing as she wishes when she wants, infidelity maybe? 

Stand your ground and don't take this crap that she is stirring up. The only way she will stop is end it with her and go NC. If by chance months or years later you get back with her she will know you have a strong will and there are large consequences for pushing you too far. 

[spiderowl]

I don't know what the arguments are about or whether she is trying to deal with issues and you are avoiding them, hence her anger and wish to deal with them on the spot.  It can be frustrating if your partner will not deal with issues and just avoids conflict; things never get resolved and flare up again.  I have been in that situation where issues that need to be resolved are never dealt with and I know how anger and resentment builds up.  If a partner declares he needs space at such a time, it just adds to the frustration.  I can sort of understand someone talking to family in an endeavour to try to understand what is happening, if they feel the situation is unfair.

However, in saying the above, you do not have to put up with anger and your family being against you.  If you think your partner is not dealing with things the right way, is being aggressive and is unjustified in her complaints, then yes, it is best that you walk.  Neither of you is going to be happy in this situation.

Not knowing either of you, it is impossible for us to know if she is being aggressive and demanding or if you are avoiding conflict and therefore not helping to resolve issues.  Only you which it is.  What I can sense is that you are not happy and she sounds extremely unhappy too.  What would be the point of continuing this relationship if you cannot resolve your problems between you?

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by spiderowl