I realize I am at fault with my mistakes and all, but part of me feels one roommate didn't handle issues well

[NightRogue]

So for 8 months, I lived in a place and I admit I can be forgetful. Like looking back through stuff/messages, I left the stove on after cooking like maybe 3 times, which I understand is really bad and dangerous. Then my roommate posted in our fb group chat telling people to stay around cooking but didn't mention anyone specifically.

Four months there are no issues and all but when I was finished I forgot to turn it off again. This time, my roommate said he wasn't playing games anymore and if he saw it again, he'd document and report it to the landlord. I apologized and paid super attention and all and we had no issues until I left.

However, when the landlord called me later to discuss things, he said he heard about complaints about the stove and how my roommate also said he doesn't feel safe and is afraid to fall asleep until after I was done cooking, which was news to me as he didn't say anything. I understand how he feels tbh but part of me feels like he didn't handle it well as I know I messed up but when it comes to stuff like this, a FB message in a group chat doesn't help as its beating around the bush and it'd be better to have a direct talk to avoid issues and not 'play games from the start', especially if he felt all those things which he could have shared. Also, he lied about going to the landlord as well or either he went and did it anyway. I admit I first thought I deserved all that and all but after thinking, I wonder if he handled things bad too

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, NightRogue said:

I left the stove on after cooking like maybe 3 times. my roommate said he wasn't playing games anymore and if he saw it again, he'd document and report it to the landlord. 

However, when the landlord called me later to discuss things, he said he heard about complaints about the stove and how my roommate also said he doesn't feel safe and is afraid to fall asleep until after I was done cooking, which was news to me as he didn't say anything.

True you are seriously underestimating what an extreme fire hazard this is.

It's your landlord's property and your roommates life.

Get to a doctor of you have memory or attention issues.

 No one should have to babysit this problem and risk their lives/property because you "forget".

 Without a doctors help you could be evicted (rightfully so) for this.

[NightRogue]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

True you are seriously underestimating what an extreme fire hazard this is.

It's your landlord's property and your roommates life.

Get to a doctor of you have memory or attention issues.

 No one should have to babysit this problem and risk their lives/property because you "forget".

 Without a doctors help you could be evicted (rightfully so) for this.

I get that for sure and all but if its an issue then why didn't he speak to me about it then?

[NightRogue]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

True you are seriously underestimating what an extreme fire hazard this is.

It's your landlord's property and your roommates life.

Get to a doctor of you have memory or attention issues.

 No one should have to babysit this problem and risk their lives/property because you "forget".

 Without a doctors help you could be evicted (rightfully so) for this.

Yeah I understand that for sure and i have had no issues since then but i wonder like in that situation, instead of beating around the bush, wouldn't you be direct and communicate your feelings instantly the first time instead of "playing games"

[LynneVicious]

13 minutes ago, NightRogue said:

Yeah I understand that for sure and i have had no issues since then but i wonder like in that situation, instead of beating around the bush, wouldn't you be direct and communicate your feelings instantly the first time instead of "playing games

From the context, the “no more games” sounds rhetorical. As you well know, leaving the stove on several times outs everyone at risk, so what are you upset about? They had every right to go to the landlord, or speak about it amongst themselves. They were probably trying to avoid drama. 

[NightRogue]

54 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

From the context, the “no more games” sounds rhetorical. As you well know, leaving the stove on several times outs everyone at risk, so what are you upset about? They had every right to go to the landlord, or speak about it amongst themselves. They were probably trying to avoid drama. 

I know but like being direct does sound better as when he was, it stopped

also, odd he lied about the landlord thing.

[ ] 

like i am not upset as I can see the reasoning behind it

Edited July 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link to other advice site

[NightRogue]

Yeah you are right

[basil67]

Your flatmate told you that this time "he wasn't playing games anymore".  This indicates to me that he has discussed the issue with you previously, so you've already been warned.

Regarding your forgetfulness, I suspect this impacts more of your life than turning off the cooker.  I suggest you see a psychologist who works in the field of  ADD or ADHD and see if this could be the cause.  Getting a dx and treatment could change your life.

[ShyViolet]

Are you kidding?  I don't think you grasp the seriousness of this situation.  This is not a case of you being "forgetful."  You literally put your roommates' lives in danger.  You have no right whatsoever to complain about the way your roommates handled it.  When you are leaving the stove on repeatedly, there is something seriously wrong.  If you can't "remember" to turn off the stove then you need to go to a psychiatrist asap and get your memory evaluated because this is unacceptable.

[NightRogue]

 

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Your flatmate told you that this time "he wasn't playing games anymore".  This indicates to me that he has discussed the issue with you previously, so you've already been warned.

Regarding your forgetfulness, I suspect this impacts more of your life than turning off the cooker.  I suggest you see a psychologist who works in the field of  ADD or ADHD and see if this could be the cause.  Getting a dx and treatment could change your life.

All he did was put the FB note

Edited July 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link to other forum

[jspice]

Do you need an engraved hand-delivered letter to tell you to turn off the stove??

You are the problem in the house. Turn. Off. The. Stove. 
Put. Recycling. In. The. Right. Place. 

Edited July 11, 2021 by jspice

[NightRogue]

4 minutes ago, jspice said:

Do you need an engraved hand-delivered letter to tell you to turn off the stove??

You are the problem in the house. Turn. Off. The. Stove. 
Put. Recycling. In. The. Right. Place. 

What is this on recycling?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, NightRogue said:

I get that for sure and all but if its an issue then why didn't he speak to me about it then?

He did. Several times. Get to a doctor if you have memory or attention issues. It's not your landlord's or roommate's job to risk their lives and property for this.

[NightRogue]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He did. Several times. Get to a doctor if you have memory or attention issues. It's not your landlord's or roommate's job to risk their lives and property for this.

He didn't. i would have said so. No issues since then

and yeah I guess, and again

[NightRogue]

Anyway, I messed up for sure. I guess I can't complain, which was my initial thought. I'll be better

[Alvi]

16 hours ago, NightRogue said:

I left the stove on after cooking like maybe 3 times, which I understand is really bad and dangerous.

 

16 hours ago, NightRogue said:

Also, he lied about going to the landlord as well or either he went and did it anyway.

You are focusing on the wrong thing here OP.  So, he went to the landlord. So he wasn't honest with you. It's his right if he felt unsafe around you. Which one is worse in your mind - forgetting to turn off the stove for 3 times and putting people in danger or to go to the landlord and complaining about that roommate who forgot to turn off the stove for 3 times and put everybody in danger?

You need to see a doctor immediately, like yesterday, to get evaluated. Forget about the roommate, he did not do anything wrong. Don't waste your energy trying to prove that he is, indeed, the wrong one here. Please, go see a doctor and tell him about you forgetting to turn off the stove sometimes and go from there.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you have a serious case of ADHD, which involves a very weak "working memory." Working memory involves the ability to juggle multiple things in the mind at the same time. So when you walk away from the stove, someone with good working memory would immediately say to themselves--oh yeah, I will return in a minute.

Also good working memory would remind you to double and triple check that you turned off the stove.

You may not even believe in ADHD, but this sounds like what it is--what is going on in your brain. Likely you mess up details in other areas of your life. Likely you have problems following slightly complicated directions, especially if multiple steps are involved.

But now you need to some hard rules. Set a reminder on your phone, paste a post-it to your forehead if you need to. Double check, triple check to turn off the stove. 

When you start to cook, say out loud, "I need to turn off the stove." Set a reminder on your phone to do so. 

There is little room for flexibility here. You gotta get on top of this. It doesn't matter whether your roommate talked to you directly or not. That's inconsequential. 

Go get help for your ADHD: most likely, it's interfering with your job and with appointments and arriving places on time, remembering to get to appointments and on and on. 

 

[NightRogue]

Uh No, I do remember appointments and stuff for school mostly but I have been told by my parents I am negligent my whole life, so ADHD is a possibility

Anyway, you are all right. TBH I do feel feel really bad about it and all, how can I handle my guilt maybe

[basil67]

Handle your guilt by seeking help for your forgetfulness.  Find a diagnosis if there is one, understand what's going on and look at the ways you can better manage it.  

[Lotsgoingon]

The pain of ADHD is that it's a brain problem and yet people feel guilty and inadequate. It's a hard thing to navigate.

You remember appointments, that's great. Can you get there on time?

[Ginger_cat_keeper]

I'm probably going to come off as harsh with this, but having been someone on the other side of this situation, I honestly felt resentful having to even bring up the issue when my housemate constantly forgot her key and didn't lock the doors, because it's such a basic safety risk that it shouldn't need to be said. It's been resolved now largely because I had to make a big deal out of it and I still don't feel 100% comfortable trusting her, as it does bring into question how many other important things she could forget. Even if you're not doing it on purpose or have a genuine issue remembering, it shouldn't fall on other people to keep that in check.

It's likely that this guy's had bad experiences with previous housemates that weren't resolved by talking to them directly (which is also sadly very common) and so something like this prompted him to go directly to the landlord. For me personally, I felt like talking to my housemate wasn't getting the message across and she only stopped because I stopped opening the door for her, so it was in her best interest to remember her key, not mine, whch is kind of a shitty feeling. But my next step would have been to get the landlord involved.

It does put stress on those of us having to be on edge checking things all the time so I can understand wanting to bypass that whole process and nipping it in the bud. Nobody's really obligated to soften the blow by talking about issues directly to you before escalating especially if you're not close to begin with, although it's normally a courtesy to do so.

Edited July 12, 2021 by Ginger_cat_keeper

[NightRogue]

[ ] I left the stove on after cooking like 3 times. No one got hurt and all but tbh, I have been feeling super bad about it as people were put at risk and all, and I think about it almost every day and feel bad. How can I handle these feelings.  

Edited July 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
new thread merged with existing thread

[CarouselGoRound]

Maybe being devils advocate but if there is nothing on the burner, the risk of fire is extremely low no? How much of a hazard/danger is that

[jspice]

On 7/25/2021 at 3:29 PM, CarouselGoRound said:

Maybe being devils advocate but if there is nothing on the burner, the risk of fire is extremely low no? How much of a hazard/danger is that

No. It’s dangerous. 
You and the OP seem to have very similar issues 🤣

[CarouselGoRound]

3 hours ago, jspice said:

No. It’s dangerous. 
You and the OP seem to have very similar issues 🤣

Well, I've never done this lmao. I agree with others OP probably has ADHD or ADD

I mean it's what i've heard depending on the stove. I wouldn't recommend it If there is nothing on the burner or near it to catch fire, then how does that pose a risk unless something is boiling or cooking on the top?