Overwhelming attraction to online 'friend. Not sure if it's healthy.

[MrsSilkyS]

This might be mostly a rant/just-getting-things-into-words kind of moment. I'm going to start by saying my marriage has lost its romance and we're very aligned as parents of our children we are almost separate under the same roof otherwise. A great parenting partnership takes the greatest priority and it works in that context.  But I confess I started having feelings of depression and self-loathing; feeling I was unattractive, getting old (well we all get older, but not coping well), and that this lack of attraction was my fault (I really DID try...lingerie, date nights the whole bit). So at some point I just...quit the idea; moved on.  Soon after I started to feel better and felt this was the right choice and was having happy moments just as a mom, and even as a wife though more in the journey of raising our kids. But part of me longed for that sensual and sexual energy with another person...not just maintenance if you know what I mean. So I went to a site online...a social online platform with the initials S.L. Well, I met people there and it was enjoyable. I had read that people get totally immersed and lost in it so I have been very careful to manage my time to not fall to deep into the rabbit hole. But the best laid plains often go astray...I met a man there who was very charming. An older man with the patience of Job he was like some kind of medicine for that point in my life when I met him.  He just encapsulates so many of the things I've been missing in my life for over 5 yrs now in far as me being a woman. I was very up front saying I didn't want anything serious or deeply romantic, and being the gentleman he is he was understanding Flirting and teasing was all in good fun, but I needed no complications. But the dances, the chats, even though online...I just immersed into it. A gentleman, yes, but with this amazing intensity I thought I'd never recapture or wonder if I ever had captured ever before? Eventually I even got the courage to talk with him through the voice chat feature and loved his warm voice and Bajan accent, and we connected even more deeply. 

Well we've been doing this about a year and I really am attached now. But this is how i feel I might be crossing the line. It's no longer something "not deep."  I feel deeply connected and because of this I have this mix of guilt with it. Last week he asked me to travel to his island and this is the moment I seemed to realize how naïve I have been. As if keeping this going was only ever going to be online, with voice calls and dancing pixels.  I told him it's probably not a good idea, but at the same time, I can't lie--I would love to go. I think I've already cheated. But then I also think I'm telling myself that I already cheated as an excuse to go there and actually cheat. And yes, we have been very open sexually with each other in a manner that...umm....is mutually satisfactory, full disclosure (minus the steamy details). 

I'm not sure if I'm seeking advice here. Maybe I'm seeking criticism?  I think mostly I just need to get this out somewhere. Thank you for listening.  

 

Bless you all.

 

~S

[mark clemson]

Sounds like an emotional affair. Whether an EA "counts' as an affair is to some extent a matter of opinion.

The sensible thing to do is end this and work on your marriage, e.g. via marriage counseling. Addressing the intimacy issues should be part of that, too.

People don't always do the sensible thing. However, it's quite risky and you don't sound truly up for taking this further. No point in risking blowing up your marriage for something you are conflicted about (that's how I interpret what you wrote above).

You could consider divorce as well. Some might say you'd be doing both you and your husband a favor. However it's not at all clear he WANTS a divorce. It's not something I'd suggest or recommend to you, but perhaps it's what you actually want, dunno.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have this man on a pedestal, but OP, a true gentleman would not be engaging with another man's wife like this. 

Also, if he is single, you can be sure that he is dating or sleeping with women as well. It would be unrealistic to assume that you are his only female company, so far away and over an extended period. How does that sit with you?

It sounds like you are very lonely in your marriage. You need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your husband about how checked out you are. If he's checked out too, perhaps ending the marriage is the best solution. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, MrsSilkyS said:

 my marriage has lost its romance. I started having feelings of depression and self-loathing; feeling I was unattractive, getting old .

Sorry this is happening. You did go down the rabbit hole of a fantasy romance.

This thing is sort of like treating cancer by getting drunk.

Your escapism is not addressing your real problems and in fact making them worse.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your moods anxiety and poor overall health.

Then ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You're never going to treat depression and self neglect with online phoney chitchat.

You may as well play candy crush all day and wonder why you are so unhappy.

[usa1ah]

Double post

Edited July 11, 2021 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

You are cheating. I know exactly how you feel about the disconnect with your husband. My wife did the same thing your husband is doing, refusing date nights or weekend getaways. It didn’t start to change until I started talking about divorce. 
 

One other thing, no gentleman is going to try and f*** a married woman. Snake in the grass will. 

[glows]

It seems more like the escape he represents than he himself that’s attractive.

Does he know you’re married with children? If you need guidance on what to do next think of your children. You don’t sound like you’re going to leave your husband but you’re also creating more misery for yourself in situations like this so try and envision what you want out of life. That’s a scary question and perhaps this online romance was intended to avoid it. Keep asking yourself, in the big picture, what is it you want? 

[understand50]

MrsSilkyS ,

First, no marriage or spouse can compete with the fantasy of an affair, and that is what you are having.  OF course your marriage  has lost everything, it is because you are wholly invested in your affair partner and your plan to take it to the next step and physically  cheat with him.  What husband, what relationship with kids can compete with that?  You want to get romance back in your marriage start, by confessing to your husband what you are doing, break all contact with you affair partner, and work hard on your marriage.   You are one half of the problem here, instead of working on your marriage, you are invested in a fantasy, and a fantasy, that in the end will only lead to much hurt for you, your kids, and your poor husband.  Your only path forward is to break it off and go full no contact.  Best way to do this is to let your husband know what you have been doing and become an open book.  YOU HAVE CHEATED.

NOW to this "gentleman".   He is just grooming  you.  There is no future with him.  Once he has you in the sack and F**Ks you, maybe once or twice, it will come to an end for him and he will move on to the next woman, I mean "victim".  If he really cared and loved you, he would not want to place you in a position where you would hurt yourself and your kids.  Assuming your husband is just not worth your effort anymore. (you know the guy who stood by you and support you up to now in the hard work of everyday life)  Here is a test for your fantasy guy, tell him you are going to file for DIVORCE, and after you are a free woman, you and your kids will love to go to him on his  island and live with him forever.  I know the answir, so do you.

You are about to throw away your family, you have given up your honor and broken your wedding VOWS. Good news is that you can still step back and fix this, but the next step will be the most destructive yet.  Think about what you are giving up, and what the ultimate consequences will be to yourself, you kids, and yes your husband. Remember, he will not understand this, and will move to take you out of his life.  Your kids will hate you for this.  IS this what you want, and do you really think it will be worth it in the end?

I wish you luck, and hope you come to your senses soon before you take this step.