MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 I could really use advice. Recently while spending an evening with very close friends, my good girlfriend started making out with my husband, which resulted in her husband making out with me. We all stopped it before it went further than kissing. My husband and I were left partially excited by it, but partially in really weird head spaces since we’ve both dealt with infidelity before. I reached out to everyone separately afterwards to smooth things over and make sure everyone was ok. My friend’s husband and I started at first just discussing it all and how wild it was, then we started discussing how it was also exciting and the conversation got more flirtatious. My friend saw the messages and is deeply upset. Understandably. I am devastated at the pain I’ve caused her. Now here’s where I need advice. First off, my friend is insisting that we all stay friends. We both have kids and they all really get along and go to the same school. So she wants to maintain things for them. But also, my husband doesn’t know about any of the messages. I badly want to tell him, but my friend insists I don’t. She’s worried it will be the end of my marriage, and then all of our friendships, which it would be. I am willing to tell and deal with the consequences as I’ve made my bed and should lie in it. But again my friend wants to deal with this quietly between her and her husband, and her and myself. I am grateful she’s willing to even still speak to me, but I am more worried she won’t be able to heal fully if I stay in her life. Is this possible? I’m letting her take the lead and am trying to give her all the power now. Should I do as she is asking? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 The only person you have to worry about is your husband and where he's at. Is he still in a weird headspace? Why would your husband end your marriage or get so angry over sexting when he started making out with your girlfriend first during that evening. Isn't that pot calling the kettle black? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 12, 2021 Author Share Posted July 12, 2021 I don’t totally disagree with you glows, but given our history with infidelity, I think it would be the straw that breaks the camels back. He is no longer in a weird headspace after the makeouts. At first he was feeling triggered by it all, but he says he’s processed it all and is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 I'm a fan of honesty as the best policy. It sounds like you've had an affair outside of the marriage and he took liberty with your friend kissing her during that evening to get back at you or to fix his damaged ego. What was the point of kissing your friend or making out with her if the marriage is on the rocks from infidelity to start? It's so dysfunctional so maybe the marriage ending is not such a bad idea. How do you know he's not cheating on you or having an affair elsewhere? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 12, 2021 Author Share Posted July 12, 2021 I have had a physical affair in the past. My husband has also sexted someone way in the past. We’ve been through a lot, and while yes there has been a lot of pain, there’s also a lot of good. We’ve done couple’s counseling, and I’m currently talking to a therapist on my own. I don’t know the point of kissing my friend. He did say he was super uncomfortable through it all. And he’s the one who really stopped things progressing. I guess I don’t know that he’s not cheating. Just like he doesn’t always know I’m not. But we keep the faith and choose each other. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 Yourr friend is not interested in protecting you from your husband but protecting her husband from yours. If she is telling you not to be honest with your husband she's not a good friend. I wouldn't be surprised if they aren't talking and flirting behind your back. Especially since she knows of your past infidelity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 12, 2021 Author Share Posted July 12, 2021 Stillafool I appreciate your feedback. I truly don’t believe that they’re texting. She seems utterly heartbroken. I do believe she is a good friend. It seems to me like she’s concealing mine and her husband’s mistake for the benefit of all. Link to post Share on other sites
BlindsidedTwice Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 3 hours ago, MaybeI'mCrazy said: I reached out to everyone separately afterwards to smooth things over and make sure everyone was ok. Why did you text her husband separately/privately? Were you really just checking in, or were you feeling excited from making out with him and wanted to push it a little further? No judgement from me. Just trying to help you think about yourself a little deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 12, 2021 Author Share Posted July 12, 2021 Really good question blindsidedtwice. I truthfully didn’t set out to push it further, but if I’m honest, I knew better and wasn’t shocked it lead where it did. I have a history of bad boundaries that stems from past abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 I think your husband deserves to know. How you eventually tell him or when is up to you but wouldn't it be better if he found out from you than someone else? Kids bounce back and will make new friends. Your friend seems overinvolved in your marriage, oddly. She should stay in her own lane and deal with her husband instead of worrying about your marriage. The four of you all have issues with boundaries (not only you). You do seem very afraid and immobilized or fearful of offending others. Guilt from the past? Past abuse still making you fearful? Is your husband abusive in any way? You don't have to answer here but just food for thought perhaps. You choose each other but it's riddled with holes, no trust and for some reason I'm sensing a lot of fear. I'm really sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 (edited) Polyamory needs to be handled quite carefully or it can cause a lot of problems. It sounds like this was more or less spontaneous and also is creating some negative ripple effects. If even one of the four of you (e.g. your female friend) isn't enthusiastically interested in continuing you should probably just back off from it. If there are lingering "weird head space" issues from it, consider bringing it up with your therapist and perhaps even bringing your husband in to discuss at your (normally) 1-1 sessions. Edited July 12, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 3 hours ago, MaybeI'mCrazy said: my friend wants to deal with this quietly between her and her husband, and her and myself. Agree with your friend, put this debacle behind you. Do you swing with this couple or was it a drunken mistake? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 It’s your life and your marriage. I think you need to make the decision that feels best for you - considering your husband and your children. Those are the people I would be concerned about right now. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 You need to tell your husband before he finds out on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 So you saw how your bedding another man hurt your husband and you still did it again? The saying is true, once a cheater always a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 I appreciate all the replies. Glows there is fear behind a lot of what I do. Not abuse per se… wiseman we haven’t done swinging with this couple before. They swore after they’ve never done anything like that before. But the time before when we saw them, the wife was rubbing my husband’s feet… Bailey B I agree. My family should be my only focus. Thank you for the important reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) It will be a much bigger problem for your husband if he hears it from someone other than you, and the probability that he will is high. You better be the one to control the narrative plus put him before your friends (and their requests) or you may very well end up in a very bad spot with your husband. Don't hide things from him. No! Edited July 13, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel With typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 25 minutes ago, MaybeI'mCrazy said: I appreciate all the replies. Glows there is fear behind a lot of what I do. Not abuse per se… wiseman we haven’t done swinging with this couple before. They swore after they’ve never done anything like that before. But the time before when we saw them, the wife was rubbing my husband’s feet… Bailey B I agree. My family should be my only focus. Thank you for the important reminder. Have you decided what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 Either you have honesty and truthfulness in your marriage or you don't. If the roles were reversed, would you want your husband covering it up to you they way you are covering it up to your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnnieB Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 Tell the husband and apologize and let him decide how he wants to handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
denwickdroylsden Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 I think the fully honest thing would be for the four of you to admit and agree that what you want is a swinging lifestyle with each other and then be totally open about it with each other. Instead of tiptoeing around it. Just my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 17 hours ago, MaybeI'mCrazy said: I badly want to tell him, but my friend insists I don’t. She’s worried it will be the end of my marriage, and then all of our friendships, which it would be. What is your goal here? Hurting her, your husband or simply ending this foursome? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 46 minutes ago, denwickdroylsden said: I think the fully honest thing would be for the four of you to admit and agree that what you want is a swinging lifestyle with each other and then be totally open about it with each other. Instead of tiptoeing around it. Just my .02 I kind of thought that was what everyone wanted after this to be honest… my husband has always had fantasies of me being with someone else. But afterwards he seemed against the idea. The wife swore up and down she doesn’t really have the hots for my husband or want us to all swing. Her husband was the only one who admitted he’d be open to it. In fact that’s what our messages were about. Would we be open to it, and what would that look like. We both said we’d only ever progress if everyone was on board. They weren’t “I want you instead of my spouse, etc” kind of messages one might expect from a cheater. Still doesn’t make it ok that we discussed such a thing in private of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What is your goal here? Hurting her, your husband or simply ending this foursome? None of those are my goal. My goal at this point is to reinstate healthy boundaries for myself, and keep my family intact. If I tell my husband would that be the outcome? I’m all about honesty after my previous transgression but would this info just be harmful instead of beneficial? If it was me seeking a sexting type opportunity I would definitely come clean. But given the weird encounters beforehand, I’m wondering if this was just a slip up because of all the messiness. I don’t know if I’m just making excuses though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MaybeI'mCrazy Posted July 13, 2021 Author Share Posted July 13, 2021 10 hours ago, Bryanp said: Either you have honesty and truthfulness in your marriage or you don't. If the roles were reversed, would you want your husband covering it up to you they way you are covering it up to your husband? That’s a good way to look at it. To be honest if my husband had spoken to her the way I spoke to her husband, I might be upset about the secrecy, but the content wouldn’t have bothered me. I would probably rather not know. But I know that’s my choice, not his. Link to post Share on other sites
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