My mom is clingy

[Miss Spider]

Hi. I’m beginning to notice my mom is very clingy and kind of overbearing.  I thought it was typical parent stuff, like she constantly feels she has a right to veto all my life decisions,  but I’m starting to notice it’s even worse than I thought. For example, I am a final year student, almost 30,  at home. She asks me every day where I’m going, who with, etc.  If I’m gone several consecutive days she says  “why are you leaving so long???” You should stay home”  When I was with my exbf, she would call me and ask me to come home or why I am not hanging out with her.  She guilt trips me/makes me feel bad if I decline. I mean she has lots of friends, but it has to be me. So I decided that I need to move out, because I can’t be complaining about her clingy behavior while living under her roof, right? .Found the perfect place, was ready to look. That didn’t even make it to the floor. She gets super passive aggressive if I even bring it up. “You’re not moving out” I’m just worried because my dad is so passive so he won’t get into it, but I know he’d be happy to see me spread my wings. In the past when I’ve moved out, my mom got very mad at me and my dad was extremely worried about me.  I don’t want to lose my mother because our relationship is so close but she’s not giving me space 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

You're never going to lose your mother because you moved out.  She will try everything possible to get you to stay because she will miss you and worry about your safety.  Oh the thorns of motherhood.  I had to move out young because my mother was over protective and nosey.  She was still my best friend though and I miss her so much.

[balin]

Cookies you have to move out! Houseshare for a while. Familiarity breeds contempt especially with parents once you're an adult. You will still see her and visit and be great. I visit my mother once a week, thats too much but shes ill, but more than that we just annoy each other. Def find a place nearby 😀

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I had to move out young because my mother was over protective and nosey. 

And so was my father. 

You should experience living on your own before you marry.  It's a nice experience.  I always had my own place without roommates but even with a them I imagine it can be fun.  I just don't like people borrowing my things.

Edited July 12, 2021 by stillafool

[Happy Lemming]

How close are you to graduating??  A few months??

I just think you'll have more choices of where to live (and nicer places) if you have graduated and have an established career/job.  Landlords will want to look at your income and work history, so your mother does have a point about your staying (home) until graduation.  Mom doesn't want you renting in a "flop house" with a whole bunch of weird people and she doesn't want you living in a bad part of town.  You are a young woman and you do have to take an extra level of care/caution as to where you live.

Try to avoid a "room mate" house, if at possible.  I think you'll be much happier with your own four walls. 

[balin]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Try to avoid a "room mate" house, if at possible.  I think you'll be much happier with your own four walls. 

Yes but $$$'s

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, balin said:

Yes but $$$'s

My thought process is... once @Cookiesandough has graduated and secured a job in her field, she'll have the income to afford a nicer place and her own four walls.  She won't have to be subjected to the whims of weird room mates.  I have too many horror stories about room mates, I just don't want to see her have to go through that mess (if she can avoid it).

As a college student, I imagine money is tight, but after graduation and establishing herself in her new career; her income should increase.

[glows]

I agree with not making any hasty moves and avoid roommates. If you're going to move let it be a permanent one out and don't move back in with her. Think it through very carefully and plan your steps. 

I'd maintain status quo and leave things as they are. She can comment but will that affect you? No, it doesn't have to. If she has a lot of questions, just tell her when you'll see her next. Ie. the next morning for example. You're not answering her question (because you don't have to with a lot of detail) and you're maintaining your boundaries. If she sees you irritated all the time, she'll wonder more frequently what you're up to and why you're so defensive. That's just human behaviour.  

I'd also leave some room for curiosity and micromanagement. She's your mother. When my mother died, I missed that someone always had my back and was looking out for me. 

Move out permanently when you're ready but don't move out in haste and then move back in for example. Good luck, Cookies.

 

[Alpacalia]

Tell Mom you're a grown woman and while it's reasonable to be considerate of her while living under her roof you have your own friends and your own life that she is not privy to.

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Landlords will want to look at your income and work history, so your mother does have a point about your staying (home) until graduation. 

This is true.

Though I recently declined a rental application from a fresh college student that was going to be living on his own for this first time.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I am a final year student, almost 30,  at home. She asks me every day where I’m going, who with, etc.   “You’re not moving out” I’m just worried because my dad is so passive so he won’t get into it.

Agree. I think you're missing out on a lot of great life experiences and fun by living at home this long.

Your parents seem to have a disconnect, if your mother is treating you like a teen to keep you as a buffer.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

You're never going to lose your mother because you moved out. 

In fact, your relationship with your mother will get better because you have moved out.

Just be prepared, she’s still going to call you everyday to ask how/what you are doing. And she will still guilt trip you into coming over for dinner. But at least, you get to leave.   Good luck with your move!

[Blind-Sided]

I will start by saying... you will not loose your mother over moving out.  It could be a little rough for a bit... but it will be fine.

I do like that you understand.... "Mom's house... mom's rules."   It seems like we get a lot of pissed off adult kids here who live at home, and don't get it. 

Now... as other's have said... if you are close to graduating... just suck it up for a little longer, and get your job rolling before moving out.  You are 30... so you have put up with it for this long... there is no reason to throw money around now.  Especially when you will have loans to pay back.  Not to mention, most leases on a rental will be a year at a time. 

I sort of ran into this when I was older, and in school.  I was late 20's and finishing up my Physics degree.  I lived at home, and my dad (originally) didn't want me to work so I could focus.  When dad was home, it was great.  He would hand me $30 or $40 every couple days, and mom didn't bother me much.  But when he was gone (for work) my mom would say things like... you are going to your friend's house this late at night !!  (it was 8 pm, summer time, and still light out)  Eventually, I got a part time job with the school being an on-campus math/physics tutor... and a lab assistant in the chem dept.  (Funny side note, my GF was mad because I was also the Geology tutor, and never had to actually tutor anyone in it... but got paid)  But... since my mom was on me so much... I decided to just move onto campus.  That took care of most issues.    Once I graduated... and found a job... I moved out relatively quick.  My mom was upset, but shortly after... our relationship grew strong.

So... hold on for a little longer... save that $$$... get a job... and then move out when you are really ready and stable.  And for now.... just put up with it because it will be better later on.

[clia]

You should absolutely move out.  There is nothing wrong with roommates, and is very normal when you are starting out.  I've honestly never understood why anyone would want to live with their parents once they get into their 20s and 30s for exactly some of the reasons you mentioned.  You need your freedom and the ability to be able to adult on your own.  

Your mom might be upset at first, but she'll get over it and your relationship will likely improve.  I mean, surely she can't expect you to live with them forever?

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Not to mention, most leases on a rental will be a year at a time.

Yes, I always tried to avoid long leases.  Some apartment complexes will allow a "month to month" lease for a premium.  It is definitely something to ask about, especially if it is your first apartment.

You learn what aspects of an apartment you are willing to accept and what stuff grates your nerves. If you sign a one year lease, you are stuck there until it ends.

[Lotsgoingon]

Clingy moms are a pain. And there's mind control involved. You actually think you'll lose your mom by leaving. Let me tell you: there are serial killers out there who don't ever "lose" their moms. It's biological.

But your mom does sound quite guilt-tripping and manipulative. Most likely this will continue even if you moved out and moved a thousand miles away. You have to think of a long-term plan at some point. You can't just stand up to a clingy mom and be done. They know how to make you feel guilty for any hint--not even reality--but even hint or suggestion of pulling away and becoming independent.

Apparently parental controlling can be addictive. It's way for parents to soothe their own anxiety and to not focus on their own lives. Your mom really needs to focus on her own life. Just in the back of your mind consider that you might really need a skilled therapist to help you get some emotional independence from your mom. Why? Because you're in total fear right now of her dumping you. That's internal. And the reality is, again, if you do pull away, she is likely to throw guilt-inducing tantrums. So you have to do a lot of inner work to free yourself from that and be ready to blunt her moves.

Interesting: this kind of clinginess does not go away just because you move away. It doesn't go away even if you were to get married and have children. One of the challenges of marriage is that controlling moms (some moms) really try to continue that even after the kid grows up and gets married. 

But you can't fix this overnight. Start doing some reading on this topic. Think in terms of years of gradually working on it. You will have to do the work. Typically moms like your mom NEVER let go easily--without a nasty, nasty fight. Sorry to say this, but it's true. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Clingy moms are a pain. And there's mind control involved. You actually think you'll lose your mom by leaving. Let me tell you: there are serial killers out there who don't ever "lose" their moms. It's biological.

But your mom does sound quite guilt-tripping and manipulative. Most likely this will continue even if you moved out and moved a thousand miles away. You have to think of a long-term plan at some point. You can't just stand up to a clingy mom and be done. They know how to make you feel guilty for any hint--not even reality--but even hint or suggestion of pulling away and becoming independent.

Apparently parental controlling can be addictive. It's way for parents to soothe their own anxiety and to not focus on their own lives. Your mom really needs to focus on her own life. Just in the back of your mind consider that you might really need a skilled therapist to help you get some emotional independence from your mom. Why? Because you're in total fear right now of her dumping you. That's internal. And the reality is, again, if you do pull away, she is likely to throw guilt-inducing tantrums. So you have to do a lot of inner work to free yourself from that and be ready to blunt her moves.

Interesting: this kind of clinginess does not go away just because you move away. It doesn't go away even if you were to get married and have children. One of the challenges of marriage is that controlling moms (some moms) really try to continue that even after the kid grows up and gets married. 

But you can't fix this overnight. Start doing some reading on this topic. Think in terms of years of gradually working on it. You will have to do the work. Typically moms like your mom NEVER let go easily--without a nasty, nasty fight. Sorry to say this, but it's true. 

Ty . Like I said, I’ve lived away from years at a time and it felt like my mom was low key mad at me the whole time. Maybe bc I was mot not completely stable and  figured things out.  Our rship was not as good. 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

@Happy Lemming I have a full year/ 2 semesters. You’re probably right that it would help her when I graduate/become fully stable. When I lived away, it wasn’t like a stable thing, I was living with a guy. A lot of it is worry from my parents that I’m okay, I know that. But you have to give your kids a chance to make mistakes sometimes.

 

Thank you all for the responses. I will consider all this in my decision 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

Two semesters is not even a full year. In one year you could be stably and gainfully employed full time. I would not make any decisions based on pure frustration or emotion. Budget accordingly and see what works for you.  You will most definitely feel much better on your own and independent/free to do as you please without answering to anyone. This is a very natural response and part of moving onto the next stage of your life. 

[ShyViolet]

I don't know your financial situation and how easily you are able to afford moving out.... but if you are able to afford it, you absolutely need to move out.  Do not coddle her dysfunctional behavior or let it guilt you into thinking you need to stay.  She is acting crazy.  That's her problem.  You will not "lose" her over moving out.

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

@Happy Lemming I have a full year/ 2 semesters.

 

The last thing you need is some room mate situation messing up your last year of college.  You've come this far with your studies and you're very close to graduating and starting the next phase of your life.

Treasure this time with your mom, do some baking with her, enjoy her.  Once you move out, there will be plenty of time to do anything and everything you want to do.

[Blind-Sided]

17 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have a full year/ 2 semesters.

Move onto campus.  It's fun living at school.  There is so much going on with friends after classes are done.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Move onto campus.  It's fun living at school.  There is so much going on with friends after classes are done.

Agree. You're missing out on a of of fun, experiences and making lifelong friends holed up at home.

[glows]

If you move onto campus you will still be back to square one when the last two semesters are up. The plus is that you may meet people you live with on campus whom you would like to live with if you do decide to have roommates. There's no right or wrong answer to this. 

A lot of off campus housing in the area or near to a university or college will have rentals that are cheaper to students. You may find alternate housing that way for as long as you are a student or can prove that you are still in school without having to live on campus. This is another alternative for student housing.