Married people/people in LTRs, do you wish you could have experienced more ?

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Oh so true.  For me the sex gets only more "eros" as we are together, just so much more trust.  The first night has that wonder of pure exploration, but it is not like that ever has to stop if you know what you are about/good in bed. 

You are right.

I hope you don´t find it uncomfortable, but let me suggest something (a small step for laguage but a big one for our worldvews).

Get the word Eros out of the double quotes (" "). It´s a strong concept in itself.

In it´s original meaning was not at all restricted to sex and neither as a component of any kind of Universal Love.

But a complete Love in itself, of the kind that may happen in a couple, all includded.

That conception was / is wiser than the current view of it as related to the mechanics of sex and also far more wiser than conceiving sex as a needed but side activity of relationships of any kind.

On your post, I also agree about the strong role of trust. 

But I would go beyond it and say that eros (also) grows as a proud confirmation of that part of love and it´s sex that comes from our choice of our partner.

Repeating myself (sorry) I´ll quote the title of an old movie (I´m, after all, also an old guy).

"Love do strange things to people"  

Best best (and best) wishes to you and your loved one.

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi cookies, I'm just gonna toss this out, but is this about your last ex, the one you just ended it with?

If so, I think you should give it a shot, I KNOW he loves you, and from what you describe would be very good for you.

And I sensed you had strong feelings too, but perhaps have this fear or block.  Hence this thread.

I mean damn girl, you posted he was the BEST sex you ever had, for him too, several times a DAY, bringing you both to tears!  

You posted you could not keep your hands off him whenever you saw him, even right before dumping him this last time, it also sounds like he understands your fear to a degree, and is willing to help you work through. 

This speaks volumes!  This man LOVES you.

cookies, don't allow your fear to hold you back. 

I used to be like you, running away from love.  I needed A LOT of mental stimulation and "challenge."

My late dad told me (paraphrasing cause I can't remember his exact words anymore) "instead of running in search of the next "high" or "challenge," why not consider it a challenge to stick around"!?

He added: "Sticking around when you're scared, anxious, uncomfortable may be the biggest challenge in life there is but also the most rewarding"!

Apologies if I stepped over bounds but I sense some pain and hurt in you and your post and want you to be happy and at peace.

Thank you poppy. I don’t feel that scared/anxious about it. Is it possible I am and I just don’t know it. It really just felt like I wasn’t into him anymore. I started noticing /crushing on his buddy,  which when I knew then it wasn’t going to work out because I’d rather be dating someone. Then I completely lost interest in him.  & it’s been like that in all my LTR, gets to a point rather be not committed or have any constraints because it just kind of gets… tedious.  I’m actually really happy right now and since we broke up I’m feeling much better. I am kind of struggling with my mom and making new friends.   Personally, I think (currently, at least) I feel happiest when I’m single but  I really, really like someone. I really like that infatuation stage that comes from new interest. People say you can renew that in an old interest, but I don’t feel it’s the same. Maybe I just haven’t had enough experience. IDK. This is not a huge problem for me anymore. I was just wondering about other people’s feelings on it 

 

Ty

 

Edited July 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you poppy. I don’t feel that scared/anxious about it. Is it possible I am and I just don’t know it. It really just felt like I wasn’t into him anymore. I started noticing /crushing on his buddy,  which when I knew then it wasn’t going to work out because I’d rather be dating someone. Then I completely lost interest in him.  & it’s been like that in all my LTR, gets to a point rather be not committed or have any constraints because it just kind of gets… tedious.  I’m actually really happy right now and since we broke up I’m feeling much better. I am kind of struggling with my mom and making new friends.   Personally, I think (currently, at least) I feel happiest when I’m single but  I really, really like someone. I really like that infatuation stage that comes from new interest. People say you can renew that in an old interest, but I don’t feel it’s the same. Maybe I just haven’t had enough experience. IDK. This is not a huge problem for me anymore. I was just wondering about other people’s feelings on it 

 

Ty

 

Ok fair enough.  I only posted it because to me, when two people have sexual relations such that it brings tears to their eyes, that's some intense emotion!

That and you said, even right before dumping him, whenever you see him, you cannot keep your hands off him!

But I may have been projecting cause when I am no longer into a guy, the thought of touching him let alone having sex with him totally repulses me. 

No matter how HOT he is.

But that's me, you're you.

So I understand and thank you for at least considering the possibility.

Some people are meant to be single and I think that's OK!

For me, I'm okay with both.  I'm seeing someone now and although I like him and super attracted, it's casual which is the way I like it.

He makes me laugh, we tease, banter interspersed with more intellectual topics.

We see each other around once a week.

We are not exclusive or have not discussed, it's all been very light and breezy.

So we all have different standards, including choosing to remain single or engaging in short term relationships and should not be made to feel shame or guilt about that.

 

 

Edited July 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Woggle]

I sometimes wish I could erase my first marriage but I wish I could have met my wife sooner. I felt I had seen more things than people twice my age before I was old enough to legally drink so I done enough sewing wild oats. Finding genuine love with somebody is truly a great experience.

[Uruktopi]

44 minutes ago, Woggle said:

Finding genuine love with somebody is truly a great experience.

This should be quoted a hundred times.

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Ok fair enough.  I only posted it because to me, when two people have sexual relations such that it brings tears to their eyes, that's some intense emotion!

That and you said, even right before dumping him, whenever you see him, you cannot keep your hands off him!

But I may have been projecting cause when I am no longer into a guy, the thought of touching him let alone having sex with him totally repulses me. 

No matter how HOT he is.

But that's me, you're you.

So I understand and thank you for at least considering the possibility.

Some people are meant to be single and I think that's OK!

For me, I'm okay with both.  I'm seeing someone now and although I like him and super attracted, it's casual which is the way I like it.

He makes me laugh, we tease, banter interspersed with more intellectual topics.

We see each other around once a week.

We are not exclusive or have not discussed, it's all been very light and breezy.

So we all have different standards, including choosing to remain single or engaging in short term relationships and should not be made to feel shame or guilt about that.

 

 

How did you know I cried? Did I share that, I don’t remember.  Yeah I did and he’s not the only one though.. It wasn’t crying from emotions for him but just more the intensity of it and it felt really nice…. Kind of like when you pee after a long time holding it in 

 

Yeah he’s pretty hot but there are just too many aspects about him I’m not about. Namely his entire personality lol . 

 

I’m glad you found someone you really like with whom things are going well with casually. Not trying to rain on parade, but that’s the easy part. The problem is that things tend to not stay casual even if you all agree on it. The more good experiences you have with someone casually the more you like them and the more they like you so when it’s time to end your casual / nsa thing…. just GL lol 

Edited July 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[chillii]

Looking around through this one again now l do agree with some that if the marriage works out yeah , l'd prefer it too , especially reading all the threads around ls , what a depressing nightmare sorry people. Mine lasted 22yrs but unfortunately well, Just talking to her today for some stuff with my daughter. l know we both still think about it and l could feel it with her today as with myself too. We still get along better than just about anyone and l know we both notice it. My face has felt cracked all day later from the laughs we were crapping on with this morning and l know we would've for sure have chosen to ride things out if we were a bit smarter back then.

[bene]

In short - no. We met, dated and got married in our thirties and looking back, my relationships and crushes before that were very dysfunctional. Probably I just had bad luck and I have never enjoyed dating and meeting new people as such, it was something I needed to do to find my match. Personally I very much enjoy the comfort of a long term relationship not the uncertainty of dating.

[Prudence V]

On 7/13/2021 at 2:53 AM, Cookiesandough said:

Do you feel like you experienced enough dating/sewed enough wild oats or not? Or do think that’s a concept where more is never enough? 

I got married at 22, first time. That was just stupid. It lasted a short time and then I grew up and dumped him. 
I married again decades later. Plenty of wild oats were sown in the interim. I certainly would never ever want to date again, and the appeal of deep and meaningless sex has paled rather over time. That awkward fumbling around someone new, having to train them into what you like, nah - can’t be arsed, at this point in my life. I’d far rather keep to a winning formula. 

[Mysterio]

For me at 50.  Seeing whats around me.  I wish I would have settled down earlier.  I don't find the women around me so delightful to date and make that effort with.  I get a lot of conversation intimacy with female friends.  Most of my guy friends I can talk to about anything.  I lean more towards dating a woman for a fused interesting conversations and laughs, mixed with physical affection.

[Cookiesandough]

17 minutes ago, Mysterio said:

For me at 50.  Seeing whats around me.  I wish I would have settled down earlier.  I don't find the women around me so delightful to date and make that effort with.  I get a lot of conversation intimacy with female friends.  Most of my guy friends I can talk to about anything.  I lean more towards dating a woman for a fused interesting conversations and laughs, mixed with physical affection.

It gets harder to settle down the longer you are single. Would you agree with that? 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

It gets harder to settle down the longer you are single. Would you agree with that? 

True

[Mysterio]

I guess we have to define settling down.  For me Settling down is seeing someone where there is physical affection and shared time getting together on a regular basis.

 

[Mysterio]

Adding to my thoughts.  Settling down for me is getting out of the Rat Race of dating.  I think its the rituals of Dating that I don't like.  Its not a feeling of lonliness.  I wish I could hang out with a woman that there was a romantic buzz between us and we build together.  I want a woman who wants to kiss/hug/make out and make love to me.  Mixed with Interesting Conversations and laughs and we do some recreation activities.  Respect, Affection/Flexibility, Space.  It won't be perfect, but at least ideal.

[Woggle]

I never had any issue getting dates and if I never met my wife I would probably be playing the hell out of the field but I truly did hit the love lottery with her and I wish our paths crossed earlier. 

[LuckyM]

Couples who marry early and stay married the rest of their lives do not know they missed with other partners. Some had sex with only 1 man or woman. But those who never marry or have a loving LTR also do not know what they missed and these opposite types cannot understand the other  as I see it. Which is better? There's no answer for everyone.  Is it better to get divorced or widowed than never be married or to the wrong partner? Want loneliness for 50 years? Surely not

[Cookiesandough]

22 minutes ago, LuckyM said:

Couples who marry early and stay married the rest of their lives do not know they missed with other partners. Some had sex with only 1 man or woman. But those who never marry or have a loving LTR also do not know what they missed and these opposite types cannot understand the other  as I see it. Which is better? There's no answer for everyone.  Is it better to get divorced or widowed than never be married or to the wrong partner? Want loneliness for 50 years? Surely not

Maybe they don’t know specifically what they’ve missed, but I have heard people that got married early saying that they wish they played the field or experienced more before they got married. Just because you married the first person that you had sex with doesn’t mean that you don’t have an imagination

Edited August 4, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[NuevoYorko]

Heck no.  I didn't feel like getting married until I felt like I had "sowed my wild oats" sufficiently.