Reflections on today's intense therapy session

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm reflecting on my very intense therapy session today. I'm posting on it because I'm interested in other people's thoughts who have been on this journey. 

Today my long-time therapist and I had a 2 hours session in her office where she put me into a relaxed state. We did a well-resarched method (forgot name) that involved binaural headphones, visualization,  closed eye movements, various breathing techniques, body mapping, etc.

She emphasized emotional pain is held in the body and continuously redirected me to let my body show me the pain from so long ago. My challenge is my mind always wants to take over, rationalize, explain, which is a psychological defense to avoiding the extreme pain I've repressed from childhood. 

But as my therapist has always said, "you've got to feel it to heal it." I had some challenging moments but also some moments where memories of interactions between me and my mother percolated to my conscious going all the way back to age 1.5 years old. I was shocked to hear coming to my conciousness how my (very narcissist) mother felt her unplanned pregnancy with me thwarted what she believed were to be her soon-to-become glory days where she finally could take center stage and be what she wanted, after feeling her own childhood was stunted.

I was shocked to hear her say it was my fault she didn't realize her full potential, that she blamed me for her personal failures, that she used this for justification to literally punish me for existing. 

I saw her evil in competing against me as a very little girl for my father's affection. I had massive confusion (therapist says that's also a defense--easier to be confused than to feel the pain).

My mother suppressed my identity. She suppressed my voice. She was volaile and unpredictable. My urgent cries were met with her hostile shushing which were then met with escalated violence if I failed to comply. She terrified me as a small child. She put all her angst on me for no reason that I could understand.

She taught me to suppress my own voice, to subjugate my needs to her (and others), she used me as a pawn to gleen adoration from strangers, but privately she neglected my emotional needs. She showed no empathy or remorse. As a teen she gaslighted me anytime I expressed my emotional pain.

I felt all my life totally vulnerable and isolated. During the session, and to help me tap into the pain, my therapist prodded me to go to the memory as she repeated how nobody is coming to help me or save me, asking how does the feel and to experience its pain.

How does this apply to affairs?  Well, as a fOW, I certainly suppressed my own needs for xMM.  He too was a narcissist (diagnosed by my therapist). I replayed patterns with him, the same patterns from little girl me and my mom.

I looked for his approval. I tried to show him I was good enough. When he rejected me or ignored me, I tried harder. I gave him more love than I gave myself. I thought of ways to make his life better while he sucked away my energy. I chose to neglect my own needs while searching for ways to meet the needs I imagined he had. I deceived myself.

I gave him abundant, unconditional love while neglecting myself. Now I know that abundant, unconditional love would've been better to give to myself...but I understand how my childhood patterns set me up to do as I did.

Of course it led to a ton of pain, for him to not return my love, emotional gifts and investment.  That pain eventually turned to anger. Staying in anger distracts us from healing. 

One intriguing takeaway that I'm pondering after today's session:

Is part of the allure of the affair that we can express our vulnerable selves in the fantasy created between us and the affair partner? In the affair, often we are separate from the realities of the world, others' demands, our lives and problems. 

As OW, I expressed my most loving, generous, kind, selfless self. Maybe xMM was a catalyst for expressing that part of me, a part that is not often safe to share openly in the world. I could express with him what I repressed within myself because I was taught to repress my own self/needs/voice as a child. I learned how to experience those things by giving them to him (until he exhausted me).  After ending with him, I've been working on expressing these to myself--the very things I was taught to suppress. 

Right now there are people in the OW/OM forum and the infidelity forum who are suppressing their needs in a similar way. I feel I earned a PhD in suppressing my own needs for decades. I really hope we all will find our way to be whole and complete.

I truly appreciate all here who have supported my journey, consciously or unconsciously. 

💜💜💜

Edited July 13, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Adding this to ponder:

Secrets - Pain - Shame

 

Shame is the central feeling, possibly the most repressed, which we are all running from.  Its existence profoundly impacts our beliefs about our own self-worth and how we choose to show up in the world. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Another recent insight...

It's easy to confuse being needed with being loved. 

People with do-for-everyone-else (codependent) backgrounds 🙋 often confuse these, I think, which sets us up for being used, devalued, and underappreciated.

When reciprocity is lacking, we might scratch our heads with confusion wondering why someone we love (and believe loves us equally) wouldn't treat us so lovingly afterall. Could it have been we were answering their need, feeling needed, while thinking we were feeling loved?

[BourneWicked]

Thanks for these posts. I'm absorbing them. 

I'm trying to be my authentic/silly self that I hide from the world. Same feelings... this person that I shoved down as not having value was someone the MM really valued. But I was just reflecting back to him that he was "good enough" too. And I guess that was all he needed from me to go on with living his life, and I was always left wanting more. 

It's hard because... it was like I was once again proving to myself that the hidden person isn't worth keeping around (validated by the failure of the relationship to ever materialize.)

I agree about suppressing one's needs. I would say I still fail to advocate for my needs. Work in progress. 

Now and then I still get sad because... I was completely in love with him. I wanted his company, his smart and silliness, his perspective on life. Him in my life, not on the sidelines. He wanted a distraction and validation that he was ok. 

It's finally starting to feel like water under the bridge. Part of healing is accepting that we didnt want the same thing. And that a person who is really worth your time wants you as much as you want them. And that's for friendships and other relationships too. Give when it feels good. Stop when it feels bad. And for heaven's sake, listen to your feelings. When something hurts, that has meaning. 

[BourneWicked]

Re: shame. I keep a sort of shame close knowing that if he had tried a little harder, I'd probably still be scrounging for the scraps he threw. 

I don't think I'll ever be that person again who is willing to accept anything less than a whole and honest relationship that I can share with the world. 

But I do keep a piece of shame that for some reason, for this person, I accepted very little for so long, when he gave others so much more. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@BourneWicked Thanks for YOUR posts.  I was starting to feel pretty lonely over here! 😉

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I want to publicly express my gratitude, although I'm actually anonymous 😂, to my therapist for something she did.

At the end of Tuesday's session, she asked me to give her a hug. While hugging, she said to me, "I see you. And what I see is beautiful."

I feel it was such a beautiful act of kindness on her part. It exibited the best of what humanity has to offer imo.

What she was saying was:

I acknowledge your need to be seen even though throughout your life other people have failed to do so. You are worthy just because you exist. You don't have to be or do anything for someone else. You are you and that is enough. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Sort of a rant:

As I've been integrating my session over these past couple days, I'm observing my thoughts and choices. 

I have a ton of stuff on my plate in my life right now. Every day seems to have a stressful situation that needs addressing. Conflicts!

Monday meddling neighbor helping herself to my stuff culminating in a confrontation.

Tuesday follow up with Mayor's office/police department on handling something. Then intense therapy. 

Wednesday talk to one attorney because my other attorney passed the buck to him. 

Thursday finally pin down the attorney who passed the buck who seemed to be dancing around my email questions and deflecting and avoiding a phone call. 

All week dealt with narc mom trying to suck me into her tasks while sabotaging my efforts on things I already have in the works. We agree to one direction, then she shifts directions without saying anything until after. Usually she ends up creating more complications and messes. When something is about to be completed, she does something to interrupt completion. Crazy-making at its finest. 

My disabled bro is staying with her for now and I handle all his business. She pretty much gets him going in the opposite direction of what needs done, too. I found out that the truck bought 100% with his money recently, our mom managed to finagle putting her name on title in a way that she could sell it out from under him. 😔  She basically tricked him. I've been working on helping him become more independent and him driving himself is an important part of that. 

He had to get an interlock device installed on this vehicle to get his driver license back. Mom took him to do it behind my back, paid for it to be installed, says he has to work off the cost by doing chores for her (even though he is entitled to getting it free). The day it was installed and vehicle back in driveway, mom wipes the mouthpiece with alcohol wipes to 'sanitize' it. Sooo now it's disabled and useless. Talked to an attorney today to find out he has to go to court and ask the judge to resolve that. Mom is always a barrel of "fun!"

More stuff like my dog is slowly dying after 14 glorious years of her as my little shadow.  Still trying to overcome 6 deaths (4 significant) since Dec. My nerves are pretty fried. 

Anyhow, I find myself being more assertive in a less confrontational way since Tuesday's therapy session.

Told mom what I think her problem is and how it actually doesn't help her. 

Had a really good talk with deflecting attorney where we both shared our grievances in a respectful manner. I'm really proud of myself on this since just before calling him I wrote an email to him (didn't send) saying I was so fed up with his avoidance I was going to start looking to replace him. 

Was able to express with other attorney my frustration about avoidant attorney and made clear it's not other attorney's fault.

These attorneys are argumentative for a living, not soft by any means. I'm proud I was able to effectively communicate my concerns and find a path forward with both without alienating them because of my anger. I feel they respected what I had to say while not feeling like I was too overbearing with them.

I told my brother how I get frustrated when he tries to circumvent the required processes to get things done and asked him why since it always leads to bigger problems.

I reconsidered how I would handle my communications to mayor office/police dept--make less about me and more constructive in what I observed.

I wrote a scathing letter to busybody neighbor about respecting my boundaries, but I've decided to observe if she's already gotten the message before giving it to her (Monday night I was pi$$ed at some of the things she did Monday with my property). I banged on her door so hard I had to ice my hand after. 😳

I've been fighting against injustice forever because of what I have endured with my mother. 

I've got another session next week. We will repeat the same exercise. I'm looking forward to relaxing my hypervigilance to injustice. Fight/flight/freeze...hopefully I'll eventually reach monk-like peaceful reactions instead. Wish me luck!

If you made it to the end and read this long rant, bless you! I should journal instead. Just glad to get this out in front of me. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I guess this thread has become a public journal. I like the thought of it being public because I was suppressed for so long, it's sort of a rebellion against not telling my truth.

I went to my mother's over the weekend to see my niece's daughters. It has been years since I've seen them. They are precious little girls aged 7 and 10.

I watched my mom say to the little one things she used to say to me as a little girl. The little one has a strong sense of herself and speaks her mind. She says so if she doesn't like or want something. My mother criticized her to no end. I am proud of her. I'm hopeful her individually will help her become an empowered young woman some day who won't be maligned by others' agendas. 

I was there for barely over 24 hours. My mother was terrible to me starting at the night and carrying into the next day. I observed her manipulating my disabled brother to do something that would get him jailed just because it would make her comfortable for an hour. She devalued my sister behind her back but showed no evidence to her face. 

In a one-to-one talk with sis, I told sis we are all just workhorses in mom's stable, nothing more. Mom literally called my nieces her property and traded access to them (during their 10 days stay) for favors/benefits for herself--do xyz and then you can visit with them 🤢. I challenged my sister to try to think of a single time she was alone with our mom when our mom was not asking something from her--sis avoided answer--she's not ready to face that level of truth.

My mother is a covert narcissistic monster. My xMM was similar to her in many ways. My "dance" (I won't insult the word 'relationship') with him helped me get to the truth about my mom. 

Everyone does for her out of appeasement to avoid her rages rather than out of love. How can you love to hear your mom say she considered aborting you when she was pregnant. Of course, there are a million examples of her miscreance to me and my siblings and anyone else she can get her hooks into. 

I'm in a tailspin again from being around her. I can see clearly her evil. When I comment about it, she smirks and gives an evil laugh. She knows I see the real her now. She hates me more for it. It doesn't stop her from trying to manipulate/punish me directly or indirectly through others. The hypervigilant state I must maintain to be around her is exhausting. 

I look forward to the day when I finally achieve the ability to be unaffected by her and people like her. And, as terrible as this may sound, I see the day she dies as my emancipation from her. I'm counting down the years. Can't be more than five more years now. If I can get there sooner through therapy, all the better!

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm in a tailspin again from being around her.

I found a tick on myself recently and besides the bloodsucking and ruining a nice day outdoors, had to get tests for Lyme. So much bad stuff from something you can't even see.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

I found a tick on myself recently and besides the bloodsucking and ruining a nice day outdoors, had to get tests for Lyme. So much bad stuff from something you can't even see.

Interesting perspective! 😄 Care to expound?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just continuing my rant...

My mother's best friend died from Covid complications in April. I've known her for 40 years. She was a very good, pious lady. She showed up for my mom in nearly every way, came to visit with her almost every day for 40 years, bought us all holiday gifts every year, did everything y mom asked of her. 

My mom didn't even come to her husband's funeral because my mom was on a vacation. She could've easily cut short the trip at another friend's out-of-town. This best friend was married for decades and her life was very interwoven with her husband. I went to the funeral from out-of-town, but all my mom did was tell her she's sorry to hear about it. 

Over this weekend, mom said she misses her best friend because she was her "best helper." Smh! Her helper, not a good woman who contributed to her, her children's lives, and so many others. No talk of anything else but being her "best helper."

Seriously, a month ago mom said she misses her because her best friend was the one who would come put the chickens to bed when mom travels and now she doesn't have anyone dependable to do it.  It disgusts me to think I came out of this woman's birth canal. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Man, it's like I'm just vomiting this all out!

In session today, my therapist said my mom was devaluing me on Sunday because I didn't give her enough adulation. 

She took my brother with her to drive my nieces back across the state. As part of whatever crazy was going on in her head, she told my sister to "see me out." Wierd, so I can't be in the house alone now? After visiting with sis, my sis said she didn't care and she was going home. 

As I began gathering my belongings to drive back to my home (about an hour away), the thought crept in, "If she doesn't want me here alone, what is she hiding?" I snooped in her file cabinet that she usually keeps locked. I found a file where she was trying to get my brother an adverse psychological diagnosis since he was 16 years old, just one year after our dad died. I guess she was trying to get an extra government check by having him declared mentally unfit. The report showed he was normal on all counts.

Well, she finally succeeded in getting him a diagnosis a few years ago (it doesn't fit according to two mental health experts who assessed him within the last year). She took all the back payments from the government he was entitled to and bought a rental house with it. He told me this recently. 

She put him in that house for about one year while she kept his monthly checks for herself. Then, she legally evicted him so she could rent it to a tenant. 

Now I handle his finances since they had a court order of no contact for three years. Since the order is up, he's back living there. He's in a fantasy that she's changed and all ID now is going to be great as long as he appeases her. 

Over the weekend she told me she wants me to increase his weekly allowance so that he won't pick up odd jobs for extra spending money. She said she wants him instead to focus on doing her jobs around the house and the rental properties, like an unpaid handyman. She said if I increase his spending allowance, it will discourage him from working anywhere else. 

My brother and I together have established short-term and long-term goals that will help him become more self-sufficient in the long-run. She's trying to sabotage them all for her own benefit. 

He's in denial. She's filling his head with misinformation.  I have warned him things will only be hunkey dorey until she has extracted everything she can get from him before she disposes of him (probably manufacturing his arrest--that's her usual MO for sending him away). He says I'm exaggerating. She's enjoying 'controlling' me by sabotaging my efforts with him. When she knows I'm working on a goal for him, she jumps in without notice and moves it the opposite direction. It ensnares him more but she tells him her way is faster (actually it shuts down any progress). Emotionally, my brother is like a teenager. He seems stuck at the age he was when dad died. 

Now I'm trying to figure out how to rescue him, if I can, before it all blows up and whether I should...and how can I accomplish it without starting WW3 or sacrificing my own goals for myself. 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also over the visit...

Mom's dog had a seizure. Mom said she won't give her dog seizure medicine until the dog has at least 2 seizures. I told her doesn't it make more sense to give the dog seizure medicine after the first seizure so she won't have another? Mom said she hopes her dog will die during one of its seizures so she won't have to go put her dog down. 😔

All these posts about the visit...it is a lot of negativity for just a 26 hours visit (minus 5 hours away with nieces, minus 8 hours sleep). It's no wonder I'm feeling the way I do after the visit. 

It takes me a couple days to prepare myself mentally to go there, like I have to force myself. Then it's days going into weeks of recovery after being around her. I started having such strong adverse reactions to her this year. Not sure why. 

[Cookiesandough]

Thank you so much for sharing this. This gave me a lot to ponder. While I have never had direct experience with affairs/infidelities, ive read much about  it on this and various forums. I always found it and it’s impact very interesting. I hope you continue to find peace and understanding.

Edited July 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

24 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Also over the visit...

Mom's dog had a seizure. Mom said she won't give her dog seizure medicine until the dog has at least 2 seizures. I told her doesn't it make more sense to give the dog seizure medicine after the first seizure so she won't have another? Mom said she hopes her dog will die during one of its seizures so she won't have to go put her dog down. 😔

All these posts about the visit...it is a lot of negativity for just a 26 hours visit (minus 5 hours away with nieces, minus 8 hours sleep). It's no wonder I'm feeling the way I do after the visit. 

It takes me a couple days to prepare myself mentally to go there, like I have to force myself. Then it's days going into weeks of recovery after being around her. I started having such strong adverse reactions to her this year. Not sure why. 

Oops. I’m sad to read this update. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom and her dog and that you’re struggling at this time 😔 Stay strong 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@Cookiesandough Thank you very much for your kind words. 

I admit there's a tiny little voice saying people who read this are going to think I'm really f'ed up. It's a fear because I'm laying out all the dirty laundry--the core of my wounds from when I was a little child and so vulnerable.

I feel vulnerable in doing so, but I remind myself that many people share a similar history. Some are able to recognize it but feel ashamed about it. Others can't even allow themselves to admit the truth of their history to themselves. 

I remember when I used to believe we were the perfect, ideal family. Cracks formed over time, apparent in sibling betrayals. For example, I realized comments from my older brother were actually signs of his underlying contempt rather than an older brother thinking he was being funny (although nobody laughed). It took him trying to steal a real estate property I owned for me to realize the truth about him and my relationship with him--years later it's still hard to wrap my head around it. These are the results of growing up in a dysfunctional family system. It's destabilizing to say the least when you admit what looks so perfect from the outside, the foundation of where you came from, is deeply flawed and I can see it clearly now.

It takes a lot of therapy to unpack it all. I still struggle to connect to the pain of my past so I can truly let it go. There is a sort of reintegration that happens in therapy. I've discovered that parts of me sort of split off (like repressed) as a coping mechanism to trauma. I'm slowly finding the pieces, dusting them off, putting them back together. 

It's challenging. I'm practically desperate to get out from under the shadow of my narc mother. I can see from therapy how so many of my choices, and the way I've interacted with people, were influenced by my history with her. I hate that! I hate that she has had such an impact on my life. She is my mom afterall so it's natural, but I hate that someone so ill-intentioned towards me impacted my trajectory so much. 

I'm really struggling now to reclaim everything I feel she took from me. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Cookiesandough]

I think most of us are a little effed up in one way or other. I wish more people would admit it for solidarity. And work through it, also. 
 

There is overwhelming damage that can be done by a parent. It’s confusing.
 

You are courageous and more capable than you give yourself credit for.

Edited July 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[BourneWicked]

I think the anonymity of the internet is a fine place to bare your wounds - it's what I do! Excepting one friend, I don't have anyone I'm close enough to trust with my darkest dirt. 

Have you read The Four Agreements? It's sort of about taking an agnostic approach to other people's problems. Not really giving them the benefit of the doubt, but just accepting that you can't change others' behavior. 

Your mom sounds pretty terrible. One thing to think- she probably received the same treatment or worse as a child. This does not exempt her (and to be honest I would not spend any time with her.. can you see your nieces separately?) but in that sort of thinking it allows you to reframe a person. For me, MM pretty much represented the relationship with my father, except he was a little fluffier, lighter version of unreliable/flakey/duplicitous than my dad was. My dad has been out of my life for most of 3 decades, but I've finally started to forgive him by recognizing the terrible things that must have happened to him as a child... and I just feel sad for him. 

I'm not one of those people who believes you need to forgive someone who has been truly terrible to you... but I do believe in letting those people go, slowly removing those people from your life. Probably you've gone no contact with xMM, but why do you continue to keep your mother in your life? If not NC, could you structure boundaries and limits to your time with her that make your life better? Limit her impact on you in anyway? 

Take care. Relationships are hard, people are hard. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

You are courageous and more capable than you give yourself credit for.

This hit me just so that it brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you for your kindness. 

Something with therapist recently was I read off a list of what I believed about myself. It included that I'm personally powerful, talented, etc.

Then I said this is what the adult me believes about myself. How do I get the child me to believe it?

She's focused on healing those core wounds I sustained as a kid, so maybe that's the answer?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@BourneWicked Hi. Yes I've read the Four Agreements, but it's been many years. Probably time to crack it open again. 

I met the author's son, who was giving a talk on his own book, a couple years back. Afterwards, I told him the story of how my brother attempted to steal a piece of real estate from me, which thwarted the positive outcome I'd been working on in litigation over another property for 11 years by that point. I told him how I lost something from that experience and I've been struggling to get it back (I ultimately stopped brother but his actions cost me tens of thousands of dollars to fix everything). The son told me I'd lost my confidence from that experience. I was impressed how he nailed it from a short conversation. 

It's true that my mom had a rough childhood. Primarily her father was a grade A a**h***. I've confirmed this through several other family members who knew him. Besides another profession, he owned a bicycle shop. Apparently he had a reputation for how he'd treat people around town who didn't agree with him. I've heard he was violent and neglectful with his kids. He used to send his wife off to the mental asylum to keep her compliant. He would just call up the police, tell them some story, and they'd collect her and take her away. There she'd get shock treatments and who knows what else.  They were different times. Strangely, about a year ago I said to my mom that her dad had a reputation for being a horrible person. She denied it and even said he was a good father! Wow, mental gymnastics at its finest. At least five family members who knew him gave me the real scoop. Stuff horror films are made from. I honestly think he may have been a socio-/psycholath. He died when I was a baby, and I'm grateful for that. 

Still not an excuse, right? It's something I've thought a lot about over the years. When I first heard that my mom had a rough childhood, I was age 14. I had a lot of compassion for her for many years. But finally, I thought, when does a person stop using excuses for acting terrible and start taking responsibility for themself? I would never think it's ok to abuse a child in any way (and then blame my childhood). At some point, abusers need to be held accountable imo. Many never are. That's when I have to lean on my faith-- at some point a greater power will deal with it justly.

Thanks for your suggestions on NC. Yes, I'm solidly NC w/ xMM. I don't expect he will ever have the courage to try to reach me again and I certainly will not contact him again. There is nothing to gain from that. 

As for mom, I'm usually NC to low contact. I haven't been spending holidays with her for years. Since Dec, things have been different because I stayed at her house when visiting my dying high school friend in hospice. Two weeks later, two uncles died. One as her brother so if I wanted to participate in the funeral, had to deal with mom. I also volunteered to housesit a couple days so she could visit him before he died. I felt it was important for her, him, and my aunt. 

In April, her best friend died. Again, I wanted to participate in the funeral and spend time with her friend's family members. Couldn't do that without mom being around. In May, the court order lifted allowing mom and disabled brother to communicate again. I went up in June to try to organize some things pertaining to brother.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to help her get the estate in order. I lined her up with an estate planning attorney. She was supposed to sign everything last week, but of course she choked. This is important to me because it comprises the inheritances of five people--my dad, his parents, his grandma (because he got his deceased mom's share), and then my mom. My mom hoarded everything, never giving anything to us kids. I was told by relatives that my grandmother and father set aside sums of money for me (esp my education). Mom denies that of course. I feel that's a nasty disrespect to my deceased family members. If I can get her to finally sort it out, at least everything will be even among us and my disabled bro will be provided for. Otherwise, it will be a bloodbath among my siblings, esp my older brothers who are particularly selfish and greedy. One is already telling her to liquidate, let him handle the cash, and she should go into a nursing home (she's still very active--like climbing onto roofs active). 

Finally, I have to decide how much more effort I'll put into disabled brother. If he's going to choose to listen to her conniving brainwashing over rational (step-by-step advice), how much more of myself should I expend trying to save him?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@BourneWicked I meant to thank you for sharing your own experiences here about your dad and your xMM. I think there are so many stories on these boards that go back to our early childhood experiences. 

Did you notice you repeated any of the same patterns with xMM as you did with dad? What did you learn from your xMM experience that taught you about your history? (If you are comfortable enough to share)

[MilaVaneela]

@HadMeOverABarrel I just went on a liking spree on this thread because as someone who was also raised by a narc mother (now deceased), so much of this resonates with me (including the intense therapy). The people pleasing, the subjugation of your whole personality and life, ALL of it. In fact, I stayed with my abusive, cheating husband as long as I did because I hoped I could love him enough and be nice enough to make him treat me better, just like I had hoped with my mother (he was diagnosed with ASPD but like my mother he believed that he was fine and didn’t need therapy or treatment of any kind). 

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it helps all of us who’ve lived through those same circumstances to feel like we’re not alone. From one daughter of a narc to another, I send you much strength and good energy and love for yourself. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@poppyfields @BourneWicked @Cookiesandough

And anyone else who has been the child of a narcissistic parent...

I wish we could give each other a big group hug. 

There's a loneliness inside, I think, when one grows up in an environment like this. 

In last week's session, when my therapist repeated in my relaxed state, "Nobody is coming to help"--I really felt that. It was lonely helplessness. It made it hard to trust as an adult while at the same time signaled I needed approval.

I saw in last week's session how my mom stole my personal power as a child, while she terrified me, and it made her feel disgustingly powerful to do it. It is some real mind-duckery to experience it over so many years. 

Edited to add: It's like Ursula, the sea witch, when she stole Arial's voice in The Little Mermaid. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@MilaVaneela Thank you for your post, story, and kind words. I meant to specifically include you in my group hug post above. Sorry! 🤗