Reflections on today's intense therapy session

[Pumpernickel]

1 minute ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I should focus more on the small wins/gains, right?

Yes, and those are huge! 
Many people especially in business will try to take advantage of you, so it’s best to not take it personally and be well prepared. And you sound like you are. It’s just the taking it personally thing that’s causing you grief, and I’m guilty of that myself, especially in business. Bad habit!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yes, and those are huge! 
Many people especially in business will try to take advantage of you, so it’s best to not take it personally and be well prepared. And you sound like you are. It’s just the taking it personally thing that’s causing you grief, and I’m guilty of that myself, especially in business. Bad habit!

You're totally right. My taking it personal will be top on the list for discussion with my therapist next week. 

Once I achieve overcoming being triggered, I'm going to focus on developing strategies to discourage this type of behavior in people I work with in the future. 

Thanks again. 

[Pumpernickel]

Sounds like a plan, and keep updating your thread - I like reading it!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just now, Pumpernickel said:

Sounds like a plan, and keep updating your thread - I like reading it!

Awww that's so nice! You made me smile big. 😃

I wonder sometimes if my rambles on my thread are a bit much, but I really enjoy and appreciate when people stop by and share. I always hope my all my LS posts are helpful to people, including those who lurk but never create an account. I continue to be amazed by the community on this site. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Not a major update but just a share on something from this evening...

I had to send out a collection letter to a customer via my law firm. xMM works there. I was overthinking the letter and how my former customer would receive it, so I had a look at the firm's profile for the attorney who sent the letter for me. While there, the profile of xMM popped on screen. 

I read what was written about xMM. Something about his passion for helping the downtrodden and it being his spiritual mission. 

I just chuckled to myself and thought, "What a bunch of bull! This is not at all who he really is." I guess he plays a good game though. 

In my therapy session today, we went deep focusing on early childhood memories of my dad. The memories popped up easily but it is sooo difficult for me to connect to the emotion. My nervous system was fighting connecting to the emotion so much that I was getting nauseous even in my relaxed state. 

Also, I think my counselor was pushing me so much to try to connect to the emotion that I feel I didn't have much chance to ground after because we went right up to the end of session with me in the relaxed state. Coming out if it quickly made me feel blah the rest of the day. I think I only snapped out of it when I met my friend for happy hour. 

I'm going top tell her next week to leave time to bring me out of it more gently and let me get grounded before leaving. 

[Hrgirl915]

On 7/13/2021 at 2:52 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

 

I looked for his approval. I tried to show him I was good enough. When he rejected me or ignored me, I tried harder. I gave him more love than I gave myself. I thought of ways to make his life better while he sucked away my energy. I chose to neglect my own needs while searching for ways to meet the needs I imagined he had. I deceived myself.

I gave him abundant, unconditional love while neglecting myself. Now I know that abundant, unconditional love would've been better to give to myself...

Painfully familiar, less the narcissistic mother; most likely a narcissistic MM.

I tried to be everything he said was important to him but apparently it was all just “speak.” In the end, everything I improved upon for him was used against me. Now the woman who exists today (inside and out) I don’t even recognize anymore.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Sooo, I'm losing my patience with my mom to the point I'm saying things that I'd normally bite my tongue. I'd bite my tongue because it's easier to let her think whatever than suffer her wrath. 

I think my counseling might be making it hard to not speak my mind because I've become so aware of how terrible she's been as a mom, plus with my brother living there, there are seemingly unlimited opportunities for her to create chaos that affects me through him. She always seems to 'accidentally' sabotage any progress I help him make with his life. 

I'm particularly pissy tonight because I learned from him today that she blackmailed him into getting vaccinated. He previously felt it wasn't right for him. I firmly believe everybody has a right to choose for themselves when it comes to their own body. Mom is vaccinated, but she won't accept that some family members have chosen differently. She told my brother if he doesn't get vaccinated, he's out on the street. He literally can't drive right now (another thanks to mom) so he's home all the time posing little risk. He went ahead and got both shots because 1) he didn't feel he had any other options, and 2) he's disabled and vulnerable. 

Also, mom told him he could stay rent free through November. Today, Sep 1, she texts me to send her $500 for his September rent (because I handle his money). She never mentioned to him that she now wants rent. She simply sent me a text today put of nowhere demanding money. 

I'm venting here. Here is some of what I texted her tonight (might sound harsh so heads up):

You blackmailed him to do something for which you have no real idea on how his long term health will be impacted. 
He chose on his own, without outside influence, that it wasn't right for him. But you had to impose your will, for what? So you can feel less anxious? More control? Better about yourself?
There is no good answer for anyone to violate another person to a degree that can compromise their existence. That's what you did. You have always taken more than you've given. You've used all your children like footstools with little consideration for our welfare and no empathy or self-awareness. 
I know you stole my handsoap from my master bathroom in 2008.
Such is the level of your pettiness that you would steal soap worth $3 from your own daughter. It's just one of countless examples for which you will have to answer to God.
Go ahead and shout this from the rooftops. I'm so sick of your smear campaigns, threats, and overall deplorable behavior. 
You could have been a better person. You chose not to.

Edited September 2, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Mom is creating conflict. Stirring the pot. Moving goal posts. Crazy making. 

I told her off while on the phone all the while she whipped out every manipulation tactic known to man: lying, gaslighting, moving goal posts, denial, rewriting history, threats about what she and another family member will do to me, etc. 

Some of what I said:

You love to talk about how you were neglected and abandoned as a kid but it's ok for you to do it to me, right? I mean it's bad when it happened to you but it's totally cool for you to do it to me. It's totally fine for me to spend years and thousands of dollars in therapy so I don't do it to others but that's cool for you, right?

I'm only trying to help my brother have the best life he can if only you would stop sabotaging my efforts and stay out of the way. Let's see if you can actually handle that. 

You both just act impulsively (and wrecklessly) while I'm moving things forward. You just end up creating more messes and problems. [I pointed out the current thing they are complaining about was a mess they made through their impulsiveness after Inspecifically warned them against it.]

I made a big point of how she always voluntarily does things to appear helpful while secretly she's running a tab for later collection while seething about it...and how she does all of it without communicating her true expectations.

[It leads to a blow up and her making sudden demands after she maneuvered the person into a dependent position and then proceeds to extort as much as she can for little or nothing in return.]

I told her I KNOW her. I know who she is and what to expect from her. I know she is completely unreliable. I know she enjoys hurting me, and while it hurts sometimes to realize what I have for a mother, that I deserve better and am better. That every time she does something nasty it is a reflection on her only and who she is. That I know it's who she is, and will be until her last dying breath. That's she'll never be better. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Adding to my last post, at one point my mom actually tried to blame me because I believed something she told me, as in, "Well if you know me then you shouldn't have listened to what I said before."

Narcissist ALL THE WAY!

I told her, You said until November no charge. First she denied it. Then I restated each of our words verbatim. Then she said if I know her I shouldn't have believed her. 

I told her stop playing her word salad with me. That's when she went to the personal attacks. I responded with the last paragraph of my previous post and hung up on her. 

You can never win with narcissists, unless you completely cut them out of your life!  I'm just looking at this as practice for working towards a proverbial black belt in how to handle them while staying balanced and untriggered. I'm getting better.