How to handle someone not caring about you?

[brooks468]

I first started talking to this guy in january. We would spend every minute of the day speaking to each other for a few weeks and it was pretty intense, we just got on so well like sharing the same humour and having quite similar personalities and interests. He eventually told me he wasn't looking for anything serious, but he doesn't just want sex with someone he wants to have someone to chill with and he only likes to have one girl at a time. I told him i wanted a relationship but he continued to message me anyway when i should've walked away at that point. Eventually he started making me feel quite low, like whenever i made him feel "weird" or "uncomfortable" he would just reply to my messages saying "yikes" and he started avoiding me and speaking to me less, and i guess if i showed any emotion it put him off. Then things ended, he blocked me and we didn't speak for a month.

He then came back after a month and unblocked me and apologised for everything that happened, and i forgave him. I had been speaking to another guy which had failed and i opened up to him and he told me he was planning on meeting up with another girl the next month but things were looking quite serious between them. I was happy for him. But then he suggested that we should meet up too, which was confusing because he told me he only sleeps with one girl at a time so then i got upset because i felt like i was being used by him and that he would drop me when he meets this new girl. So then we fell out once again and he blocked me.

Anyway, two weeks ago he unblocked me for the third time and i was really hesitant to speak to him because everything seemed really toxic. We began talking for the third time and this time he actually allowed me to open up to him about my problems and he was willing to listen so i thought maybe he had changed. We agreed to meet up this weekend and he was planning on coming to see me so i guess i've been really excited. Then he started saying i was making things weird again, for example i make things weird by asking if hes okay too much. Then i got paranoid that he was going to let me down again, and he started saying he was busy all the time so we began speaking less. Then i got too intense and put him off so now things have ended for the third time. 

I feel like theres no double standards with him. When we initially started talking i asked if he was speaking to other girls and he called me psycho for it, but now he always makes comments such as "go enjoy your other boys" or asking how much attention im getting. He also called me toxic for posting pictures of myself on instagram when he was busy, as if i was doing it for attention from other people.  I'm also very aware at this point that it was casual, i dont have feelings for him but i did really like him as a friend. This was our only opportunity to meet up because i'm moving soon, and he was making comments like "so you wont even message me after?" and "so you'll just have sex with me and move onto the next boy?" which makes me feel confused when it is just casual between us. 

He didn't even seem disappointed or upset that we had fallen out again, i tried to be mature and apologise for making him feel that way. I just feel like he has this side of him where he shuts me down every time i show any emotion or i try to apologise, he becomes so cold and blunt and i can't read him. I feel like he really doesn't care about me like i thought, i thought he at least liked me equally as a friend because we get on so well. 

i'm just really confused and i'm not sure what to do. I feel quite low because when things are good they are really good so its a big shame to me that hes cut me off once again. Does he really just not care?

[d0nnivain]

Stop talking to him.  You have only known him virtually from what I surmise for 6 months & there is all this BS drama.  The whole thing is toxic & a waste of time. He can't communicate when he's upset.  This won't improve.  

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, brooks468 said:

I first started talking to this guy in january. We would spend every minute of the day speaking to each other for a few weeks. then he suggested that we should meet up too. We agreed to meet up this weekend and he was planning on coming

Delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media.

He seems like a catfish, scammer, in another relationship or not who he says he is.

Next time don't talk 24/7 for weeks/months. If someone won't meet in a timely fashion after a few messages it's a red flag.

Make  sure you review your dating app search criteria, screen well and that you are talking to local available single men.

[Alpacalia]

No, he doesn't care.

It sounds quite toxic.

If it helps, try not to focus too much of your mental energy on this individual who you wish cared about you.

You are the only person you can always rely on to care for you.

[spiderowl]

You seem to have sussed these guys out well, Brooks.  They are really only looking for casual fun and are doing the minimum they think they need to do to get that.

It is not you, it is them!  I think the only thing you are doing wrong is sharing with the wrong guys.  Guys who show interest in you can be all types.  You just need to learn to pick out the decent guys from the casual ones.

While it is not wise to expect a guy to listen to and solve all your problems - after all, he is contacting you because you seem attractive and interesting - a decent guy who is genuinely interested in getting to know you would listen and respond.

You just need to find different guys; the ones you have been communicating with sound immature and young.  Also, it is best not to sleep with them until you know them a lot better, otherwise they will treat you more casually; it's something guys do - if a woman behaves casually, they treat her as such.  You want to be treated as a special individual, like we all do, so insist on proper respect and courting before taking it further.  That way, you get to know the guy as a person.

Don't worry about what other women are doing or what the guys claim other women are doing. Do not compare yourself to anyone.  You are a special person looking for a match.  It will happen but it may take some time.

[ExpatInItaly]

He doesn’t care, no.

You really need to cut this guy off. This is not what dating looks like and it’s a total waste of your time and self-worth.

[glows]

On 7/14/2021 at 10:06 AM, brooks468 said:

two weeks ago he unblocked me for the third time

What business is it of his what attention you're getting and from where? The only things he offers are immaturity, manipulation and creepiness to the nth degree. 

He also appears to be using the block function incorrectly. 

He may not care about you but... ask yourself if it's a loss? It looks like a gain and a plus to me. 

[kendahke]

On 7/14/2021 at 1:06 PM, brooks468 said:

He eventually told me he wasn't looking for anything serious, 

I told him i wanted a relationship

This is called incompatibility and it reared its head at the very start of things. This had no hope from the moment he told you he wasn't looking for anything serious.  You don't want friendship with him--you want a relationship. There is no way this would have worked out as friends because you didn't want to be his buddy... if you did, you'd have said "cool, me either" when he told you he wasn't looking for anything serious.

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Then things ended, he blocked me and we didn't speak for a month.

So then we fell out once again and he blocked me.

things have ended for the third time. 

This is called "a pattern of behavior". Ignore it at your own emotional peril.

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i'm not sure what to do. I feel quite low because when things are good they are really good so its a big shame to me that hes cut me off once again. Does he really just not care?

You and this guy are not compatible. Stop trying to turn him into someone he's shown you three times he has no interest in being for you.

Perhaps your time would be better spent with a therapist who can help you learn how to navigate this emotional minefield you keep wandering into and getting an emotional limb blown off.

[stillafool]

On 7/14/2021 at 1:06 PM, brooks468 said:

i'm just really confused and i'm not sure what to do.

It seems to me that he just wants you as a friend but you keep showing that you want more and then he puts you back in your place.  You say you were happy for him and that girl but is that really true considering you have feelings for him.  You cannot be his friend because you have feelings for him.  Block him and move on to someone else.

Edited July 19, 2021 by stillafool