Love Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 Hi Guys, I hv been with my boyfriend for 1.5 year. We really get along very well and love each other very much. But, he didn’t ask me to move in together or discuss abt future plan at all. When I asked him abt it recently, he told me that he thought of marrying me thousand of times a day since 7-8months ago. However, whenever he thought abt it, he started to feel stress and headache. Both of us are 30+ and having a stable financial. For me, I m not rushing for marriage. But, I want to have future plan with him and commitment like we will get married in next 1-2 years time. But, he can’t bring himself to make plan with me. He said he doesn’t know why he is like that. He feels guilty abt it too. When I tried to break up with him and cut away all the contact, he said his world falls apart without me being with him. He asked me to be with him yet he still can’t bring himself to talk abt future plan with me. Moreover, I never met his family or friends before. We also never post any couple photos or post on social media. So, our relationship is quite private. Sometimes, I feel like he is pocketing me. I really don’t know what I should do. Seriously need your kind advice on this. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 33 minutes ago, Love said: yet he still can’t bring himself to talk abt future plan with me. Moreover, I never met his family or friends before. We also never post any couple photos or post on social media. So, our relationship is quite private. Sometimes, I feel like he is pocketing me. Im sorry you are going through this. These are all massive red flags. Have you talked to him about why you are being kept a secret? He is telling who he is, so listen. There is no future in this relationship more than what it currently is, it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 I did talked to him. When I asked him, he replied that he is so tired and in deep of high stress for having and getting thoughts of marriage. Everyday every seconds he is living in stress of thinking about it. He is sacred to lose me yet he can’t marry me or ask me to wait for him till he is ready as he is not sure when he would be ready or he will even be ready. Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 38 minutes ago, Love said: he replied that he is so tired and in deep of high stress for having and getting thoughts of marriage. Everyday every seconds he is living in stress of thinking about it. He is sacred to lose me yet he can’t marry me or ask me to wait for him till he is ready as he is not sure when he would be ready or he will even be ready. This is why you cant meet his friends and family? Why he cant post pictures of you on his social media? Love, think about that answer. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Love said: he said his world falls apart without me being with him. He asked me to be with him yet he still can’t bring himself to talk abt future plan with me. Sorry this is happening. Here's the translation: I want things 100% on my terms and that's stringing you along with BS, keeping you at arms length and a secret. You must reflect if this much disrespect and nonsense makes you "feel stress and headache just thinking about it". 2 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Johnjohnson2017 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 You say he doesn't post pictures of both of you together on his social media accounts. Then you post them in yours. Show to the world that you are a couple. Also indicated that you are in a relationship with him. If he has facebook, repl If he gets mad at you for doing so, then you'll know he wants to hide you and has an agenda for doing so. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 Why on earth are you even thinking about moving in together or marrying a man who keeps you a secret? There is more to this than you know. I suggest you meet some of his other friends & family members before you think about the next steps. If after 1.5 years he can't introduce you, this is not a healthy relationship 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 Okay. Well, looks like he's in no rush to get married. Especially not within the timeframe you mentioned (1-2 years time). He's really not giving you much to work with when he said "he doesn’t know why he is like that." There are probably a lot of variables at work here, and things could go in a variety of directions. Perhaps you should begin by delving deeply into what marriage means to both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 You don't actually NEED a reason to walk away from a relationship if that's what you want to do. However, if you're almost certainly not going to get what you you really want out of a relationship, well - that IS a reason... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 7 minutes ago, mark clemson said: ... there is a concept in sales "getting to No" - which means recognizing (preferably quickly) that the customer genuinely isn't interested in buying [and therefore ending your efforts to sell to them]. Applied to relationships, I think this means recognizing as quickly as reasonably possible, while giving things a chance, that this isn't the person for you/isn't what you want and then kindly but firmly ending things so as to give both of you "time back" in your lives to find something that IS what you want. Can be easier said than done if you really like the person and/or emotions are clouding your judgement. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said: You say he doesn't post pictures of both of you together on his social media accounts. Then you post them in yours. Show to the world that you are a couple. Also indicated that you are in a relationship with him. If he has facebook, repl If he gets mad at you for doing so, then you'll know he wants to hide you and has an agenda for doing so. I like this advice too! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: I like this advice too! He didn’t allow me to post any couple photos of us on FB or even on WhatsApp as profile pic. Reason is that, he prefers to keep our relationship private as there is nothing good comes from letting other people know. After reading all of your reply, I clearly know what I mean to my boyfriend. I m nothing more than his personal assistant. I accompany him when he needs to go to clinic/hospital when he is sick. I accompany him to go to mall/grocery shops when he is in mood for shopping. I cook for him and deliver to his place if he wants to have home-cooked meal. I can meet him only when he wishes to. I wait for his call everyday Instead of calling him as I know he doesn’t really want to talk to me when I initiated to call him. So, I can only answer his call instead of calling him. Overall, I do things as per his command only. This is me! Thank u all for your time and advice. I will reflect on myself and get out of this RS. Thanks again🙏 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Love said: He didn’t allow me to post any couple photos of us on FB or even on WhatsApp as profile pic. Reason is that, he prefers to keep our relationship private as there is nothing good comes from letting other people know. After reading all of your reply, I clearly know what I mean to my boyfriend. I m nothing more than his personal assistant. I accompany him when he needs to go to clinic/hospital when he is sick. I accompany him to go to mall/grocery shops when he is in mood for shopping. I cook for him and deliver to his place if he wants to have home-cooked meal. I can meet him only when he wishes to. I wait for his call everyday Instead of calling him as I know he doesn’t really want to talk to me when I initiated to call him. So, I can only answer his call instead of calling him. Overall, I do things as per his command only. This is me! Thank u all for your time and advice. I will reflect on myself and get out of this RS. Thanks again🙏 Good call. Sounds like he has all the benefits of a housemaid. You're worth more than that and deserve much better. Best wishes to you! Edited July 15, 2021 by Alpaca 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 12 hours ago, Love said: He didn’t allow me to post any couple photos of us on FB or even on WhatsApp as profile pic. Reason is that, he prefers to keep our relationship private as there is nothing good comes from letting other people know. Does your BF have an executive position or a very high ranking position in a company? Some people like this have SM but it's more of a PR (public relations) thing than a personal page like the rest of us peasants.... They only paste PR stuff not personal stuff... SM is not for everyone and not used the same by everyone. It can be a tool for PR... I know people that only sell stuff on FB, and have like 3 friends on it but know everyone in town.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Is there a chance he's married or in another LT relationship? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 On 7/15/2021 at 10:22 PM, Caauug said: Does your BF have an executive position or a very high ranking position in a company? Some people like this have SM but it's more of a PR (public relations) thing than a personal page like the rest of us peasants.... They only paste PR stuff not personal stuff... SM is not for everyone and not used the same by everyone. It can be a tool for PR... I know people that only sell stuff on FB, and have like 3 friends on it but know everyone in town.... Not really. Comparing of position, my designation should be higher than his.😅 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 On 7/15/2021 at 10:22 PM, Caauug said: Does your BF have an executive position or a very high ranking position in a company? Some people like this have SM but it's more of a PR (public relations) thing than a personal page like the rest of us peasants.... They only paste PR stuff not personal stuff... SM is not for everyone and not used the same by everyone. It can be a tool for PR... I know people that only sell stuff on FB, and have like 3 friends on it but know everyone in town.... On 7/16/2021 at 2:51 AM, pepperbird2 said: Is there a chance he's married or in another LT relationship? Not at all. I’m very sure that he is with me only. He doesn’t have much friends as well. He spent most of his time at work and reading tech-staff. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 This is where you start caring for yourself a lot more and putting your needs first. That's hard to do if you've been putting yourself second for a long time. 1.5 years is short! You're early 30s so be free from all this and live your life. Even though things may not make complete sense to you right now it will in time. Give yourself some time and distance away from this relationship that's not meeting any of your wants or needs. If you want marriage, don't accept anything else and find someone else with the same in mind. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 (edited) @glows Well said. Appreciate it 🙏 Edited July 17, 2021 by Love 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 Keeping the relationship private is bad. Is he married? How do you know? As far as him committing to marriage, give it another 6 months, it may be early. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 Not meeting friends or family is not a good sign. It makes it seem like he's hiding something from you, hiding you from someone, or that he has interpersonal issues and can't make friends or have relationships with his family members. None of those possibilities are good. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 Agree, after a year and a half not meeting his family and friends is a huge red flag. This is the time in the relationship where you need some assurances that you have the same goals for life. It doesn’t have to happen this month, but you need some assurance. He is not providing that - I would end the relationship. If you want children, you need to find someone who has the same goal - living together, marriage, and family. This is not the guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Donnas Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 Its not real or natural. Best is to break up and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 On 7/15/2021 at 3:01 AM, Love said: he didn’t ask me to move in together or discuss abt future plan at all. When I asked him abt it recently, he told me that he thought of marrying me thousand of times a day since 7-8months ago. However, whenever he thought abt it, he started to feel stress and headache. Both of us are 30+ and having a stable financial. For me, I m not rushing for marriage. But, I want to have future plan with him and commitment like we will get married in next 1-2 years time. But, he can’t bring himself to make plan with me. My guess is he knows exactly what he is doing. Actions speak louder than words, remember that. Didn't ask you to move in: Why? What happens when you move in? Depends where you live and the local laws but the count down to be a "Common Law" relationship starts with co-habitation. Can be 6-24 months, can be the same as getting married. Marriage: He may talk about marriage, that may be to pacify you for now, but if above is true, he will never want marriage. If he is financially stable why would he want to sign a legal contract that is staked against him and will benefit you more than him? Women initiate divorce about 70% of the time and benefit the most financially when it happens. @Love how does he benefit from co-habitation or marriage to you? What will he get that he already is not getting now? Try doing a "Cost Benefit Analysis" from his side.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 I've been thinking a bout this a bit more, and for the life of me, I can't see any good reasons for why his is acting the way he is. I can think of lots of bad ones though. There's something that just doesn't sit right. If you did share a photo of the two of you on social media, what do you think he would do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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