Forgiving my partner for cheating

[Mayyaa]

Dear all,

I would love some insight and help from you. My partner and I both go to individual therapy for a long time now, while he paused it for a while during last year.

We have been in what I thought to be a happy relationship for 3 years. He seemed happy too, although I noticed him being distant from time to time, slightly depressed, and for a period of time we had infrequent sexual connections too (which we improved again). But overall, he has been extremely supportive to me, here to talk about feelings, here to help with any issues I had, sharing his issues, available to talk through and resolve any disagreements we had. His temperament suits me, he makes me laugh, and we fit well regarding our interests, hobbies and living a regular daily life. Basically, I would say this is the first healthy relationship I had in my whole life, including my childhood. His presence has brought me peace, I have been healing my wounds and finding trust and safety with a man for the first time. We have been planning a family, marriage, the future together.

However, a few weeks ago, a lady contacted me via social media, after she saw a recent photo of us. She told me, and my partner later confirmed, that they have been seeing each other for the past 5 months, and that it included sexual relations too. My partner also admitted to talking online with several other women before this one, but said he never met them in person.

He was open to talk about it all, answer all my questions about the details of that affair and the communication with other women. Basically, his explanations boil down to feeling more andore depressed, disconnected from his emotions, and trying to find 'what is missing within him, in all these wrong places'. He said he hoped to feel something 'move' him, and wanted to check if another woman might do that for him. She didn't, none of it did as he says. He says he wanted and still wants the relationship and the future with me.

I don't think I can describe the devastation, betrayal and pain I felt and still feel in my heart and my whole body. The relationship with him was a reparative one, a healing one, with him I felt peace in my heart that I never knew I could feel. And now I am lost, and don't know what to do or think. We are still regularly talking, altgough he moved back to his apartment.

He spoke with his therapist and best friend, and decided it is time to make some big changes in his life, like medication, job change and whatever else would help him. He says he wants to be a good man that he once was, before he lost his compass and himself. He wants to be good for himself and for me, and to 'make me happy'.

A part of me says I cannot trust a single word he says anymore, and that I should leave him and find someone else. And then another part of me says that I know how much he has been suffering, battling depression and his previous life traumas. That part of me can understand how lost and alone he must have felt to try and do things that seem so much out of his character. I never saw him as a 'womanizer' type, and I still don't. This seems to have been some coping mechanism for him, that now caused havoc and potentially destroyed our relationship.

I know things can never be the same between us. But maybe with work, honesty, support, time... they can be different, and good in a new way?
Or am I fooling myself, due to love, attachment, fear of letting go, being alone or whatever else, and I should leave?
Am I beeing a fool for even considering staying with him and working this out?

Any insight, advice or support you might offer will be of huge help.

Thank you ❤

[d0nnivain]

Once a cheater always a cheater in my mind.  That door only swings one way. . .out. 

I probably could get past a drunken kiss but this person carried on a whole other relationship for 5 months.  He lied to you.  He lied to her. He was obviously seeking something that was missing from whatever you had going on.  Kick him loose & let him go find it.  

Next! 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Mayyaa said:

 he moved back to his apartment.

Sorry this happened. Good he moved out of your place. He's not trustworthy.

All this time he was smiling in your face and stabbing you in the back. That's what chronic cheaters are expert at.

Now he's using the "i was depressed" excuse for sheer fun at your expense. Cheaters are also experts at playing victim and "confused".

Continue your therapy and talking to trusted friends and family. Stop talking to him so he stops plying you with lies. 

You need some time to reflect, not decide which is a lie, what is BS or listen to more crocodile tears and self-serving drivel..

 

Edited July 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Whatever his reasons, your reasons need to be solid. You don't need him, a therapist or anyone else to explain to you that deep down this is not what mutual trust and respect in a relationship should look like. Keep coming back to your own convictions and your own ideas about what a relationship should be. Do not let him or anyone else manipulate that. 

What you choose to do depends on how strong your own convictions are. If you stay, the likelihood of him repeating his behaviours is high without your knowledge and the trust is shattered so you would be looking over your shoulder perpetually wondering whether he is cheating on you. Your peace of mind is gone. Debate about yourself how precious that is and go from there. 

If you choose to close the chapter and end the relationship, wish him the best and move on. I don't suggest you stay in contact because that trust is still shattered and you will still be wondering what he is up to and overly concerned over someone who has ceased being a partner.

Do what's best for yourself. You're not helpless and you are not choice-less. 

Edited July 15, 2021 by glows

[vla1120]

If you measure your response by my experience, my husband also cheated before we were married, with a co-worker. He gave all kinds of excuses why - cold feet, she was from the area where he grew up, so they could reminisce about places I'd never been, etc. Fast forward to 14 years into our marriage and he cheated with our neighbor who was also my best friend. There were other minor indiscretions in between the first, and the one 14 years later, but cheating 14 years into our marriage (while I was 7 months pregnant with our third child) ruined everything. 

My advice would be to cut your losses and find a man who values loyalty and fidelity as much as you do. Also, depression is not an excuse. Not liking your job is not an excuse. There IS no excuse for cheating. Ever. If he cheated once, he'll cheat again.

Edited July 15, 2021 by vla1120

[Starswillshine]

I'm extremely sorry you are here and have this happened to you. Its a club that no one wants to be a part of. 

It sounds like you guys are not married, is this correct? If so, I would start to move on from him and this relationship. I know it is hard, but if he is already cheating, I hate to know what will happen down the road. Dating is a try out/teat, and he failed miserably. 

[Mayyaa]

16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

It sounds like you guys are not married, is this correct? 

That's correct, we are not yet married. And you are right, it is so hard... being that I saw us getting married and growing old together. 😔

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Mayyaa said:

That's correct, we are not yet married. And you are right, it is so hard... being that I saw us getting married and growing old together. 😔

It is hard & it sucks.  You trusted him & he let you down big time. 

The small silver lining is that you aren't married so you can just walk away.  

Hang in there but don't cave & take him back. 

[pepperbird2]

If you can't trust him before you get married, it will only get worse once you tie the knot.

[Mayyaa]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

my husband also cheated before we were married, with a co-worker...

 Fast forward to 14 years into our marriage and he cheated with our neighbor who was also my best friend. 

I am so sorry this happened to you, it sounds so painful. 😔

Are there not any positive experieces, with people changing their ways, and not repeating this behavior? ☹

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mayyaa said:

I never saw him as a 'womanizer' type, and I still don't.

That's because it's fresh, but in time you  will. 

Because that is exactly who he really is. 

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Mayyaa said:

Are there not any positive experieces, with people changing their ways, and not repeating this behavior? ☹

Not usually.  You want to be that one in a million couple that gets through it.  You are better off playing the lottery.  The odds are better.  

[Starswillshine]

24 minutes ago, Mayyaa said:

I am so sorry this happened to you, it sounds so painful. 😔

Are there not any positive experieces, with people changing their ways, and not repeating this behavior? ☹

My xH cheated before we were married as well. I played it off as we were young and other factors and excuses that I sort of just went with due to more factors. 

Anyway, I moved last that, we were married for 16 years, together over 20, multiple kids.... only to find out he likely cheated throughout the entire marriage. 

[mark clemson]

You can hear plenty about what other people THINK.

But - IMO it means little unless you know what you WANT.

Are you asking WHETHER you should reconcile or even try? People can tell you either way based on their (successful or unsuccessful) reconciliations or share their opinions, but no one KNOWS what's right for you except you, nor does anyone here know your BF better than you do.

I will tell you that IF you decide to reconcile A) there are no guarantees and B) it may make you feel better (more secure) to be able to monitor him in some ways.

The nice thing is it sounds like you are not married, so IF you decide to end it, walking away is not SUCH a big deal as it would be if you needed a divorce.

It MAY make more sense to start over with a clean slate. But again, that's for you to figure out, not for me or anyone else to TELL you. Consider things like: Do you think your partner would be able to remain loyal now that this has all come out? Are the "emotional issues" really just excuses? How upset does he seem at the prospect of losing you?

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I probably could get past a drunken kiss but this person carried on a whole other relationship for 5 months. 

I tend to agree with this. It’s one thing to get carried away one night, it’s another thing entirely to be talking with a number of different women and  be in another relationship for five months. 

I’m very sorry that this has happened to you.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

If you can't trust him before you get married, it will only get worse once you tie the knot.

Oh, and it will get so much worse… when you have a mortgage, shared finances, children. If you think it’s hard to end this relationship now, just imagine what life will be like if he does this again and you have to sell your home, divorce (legal fees!!), raise children as a single mother. 

When you see these kind of red flags BEFORE you marry, you really need to heed them! 

[spiritedaway2003]

I'm sorry this happened to you.  People here will tell you what they think you should do, but this is a very personal decision.  Ultimately, whether you want to up and leave or forgive and reconcile is your own.  Do you want to end this relationship or do you want save what is left and start afresh?  

If you feel like that you can forgive and willing to try to save what's left of the relationship, that's one option.  If you feel like you can't trust him ever again even with the history, and would prefer a clean slate with someone else, then you also have your answer.  You can walk away before it gets too complicated -- before marriage and kids come along. 

I know what I would do based on my own experiences.  The more important question here is, "Do you?"  Figure out what it is you want, and the rest should (hopefully) follow.

 

[Daisydooks]

Some dude Im just dating with his own apartment to go back to where we arent even engaged, let alone married AND have no kids? Nah. Id dump him and never ever look back. 

Instead of managing his mental health, he screwed someone else and got attention from other women. Instead of actually opening up and asking for help he knew he needed, he looked elsewhere.  How convenient?

Mental health not being managed is my hill to die on. 

Before jumping into another bad relationship, make sure you work to fix your man picker. Its off. This isnt the first healthy relationship youve had. Youve never had one, and this one wasnt healthy either. So figure out why you keep attracting /picking this type of man or every relationship will continue to be like this  

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Mayyaa said:

 I saw us getting married and growing old together. 😔

Unfortunately you need to view this as a game changer. You dodged a bullet.

[Mayyaa]

7 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

This isnt the first healthy relationship youve had. Youve never had one, and this one wasnt healthy either. So figure out why you keep attracting /picking this type of man or every relationship will continue to be like this  

This sounds harsh, but you are probably right. These days I was thinking about the same thing, and how much more my own work I probably have to do in order to create better personal boundaries and not attract people with these types of issues.

[Mayyaa]

11 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

This isnt the first healthy relationship youve had. Youve never had one, and this one wasnt healthy either. 

These words are still echoing in my head. All of this happening has brought up my belief I cannot be loved, that I cannot find a man who will love, respect and accept me for who I am. I am almost feeling I should accept my BF back, even with the potential of him cheating again, because maybe I don't deserve better and am not able to find someone to treat me differently.😔 I am ashamed of these thoughts, but I am in so much pain, and I don't know where to turn to nor how to continue...

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Mayyaa said:

I don't know where to turn to nor how to continue...

The best place to start is to go to a physician for an evaluation of your mental health and underlying conditions.

Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

This is not about these creeps. It's about getting yourself in a better place.

Do not take someone who inflicts pain back into your life.

[Pumpernickel]

3 hours ago, Mayyaa said:

I am almost feeling I should accept my BF back

If you do this, you must accept that he has disrespected you. This feeling will not go away. It will always be there. 

No matter if he is remorseful & proves himself reliable and faithful in the future (which you don't know and will never know 100%), you will always have to be OK with being disrespected and lied to in the past, before you even got married.

[Mayyaa]

16 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I'm sorry this happened to you.  People here will tell you what they think you should do, but this is a very personal decision.

 

Thank you... You are right. I keep trying to find answers and advice from other people, but I fear there is no 'correct' answer or a correct thing to do. It seems this is going to be painful either way, no matter what I do 😔

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Mayyaa said:

These words are still echoing in my head. All of this happening has brought up my belief I cannot be loved, that I cannot find a man who will love, respect and accept me for who I am. I am almost feeling I should accept my BF back, even with the potential of him cheating again, because maybe I don't deserve better and am not able to find someone to treat me differently.😔 I am ashamed of these thoughts, but I am in so much pain, and I don't know where to turn to nor how to continue...

My friend, there are so many men in this world that will treat you with respect and be loyal and loving. You just haven’t found him yet. 

While you wait, work on yourself. Find a good counsellor, read some self help books, live-love-laugh such that you are in a happy and healthy place when he comes into your life.

To assume the position of “victim” and stay with a man who disrespects you because you don’t believe you deserve anything more is a very sad and unhealthy place to be. I’m not judging you for thinking this, I am saying - don’t stay there. With time, and some self reflection, you will find a better place from which the world will look much different. 

He made you a victim, don’t become a volunteer.