Forgiving my partner for cheating

[merrmeade]

Hi Mayaa, I think there are several things people have told you that you can hang onto. Don't ignore the voices of personal experience with this kind of cheater. It's not about you. It's just who they are, and they don't stop. You can get over this crisis, and - because he's been found out - he will do and say all the right things. Then you'll stay together and think everything is great for years even and then find out he did it again. To make that change permanent, to become an ex-cheater, the person has to be completely humbled and want to change for himself as well as for you. And you can't interpret just any behavior the way you want it to work out. Don't try to ignore or sweep it under the rug, so you don't have to think about it. It's still who he is.

Second the advice that you should get your own self-esteem in order and raise your standards is also a priority, starting with the therapist because you don't know what you deserve yet. You need to get help to see and say what happiness and love should look like. I was also that girl, having had stunted, abusive brothers and so not making myself important enough to let go of what made me feel less. It's hard to know what you deserve if you've never seen it or done it. Expect to be cherished.

Edited August 8, 2021 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

That is, you have to learn that hope, and then make that hope an expectation - that, not only do you have a right to hope, but you deserve to be cherished and, therefore, should expect it.

[heartwhole2]

Hello. I'm very sorry that you're here. I haven't seen your post before, so I'm just chiming in now.

Forgiveness as a concept, as an act, is not something that has to do with the worthiness of the betrayer. It's a choice not to carry resentment forward with you. Often it's a choice you have to make over and over. It's something you practice, not something that is "one and done." Desmond Tutu's "On Forgiving" is very useful for help with this.

Your question really is whether you would be a fool to consider moving forward with your boyfriend after this. I asked that question too after my husband cheated. I asked my sister and a close friend of both of us because I wanted to know if people saw things I couldn't. Have you asked people who know you both well this question? (They both told me I wasn't foolish to try to stay together, and that's what we did.)

The biggest thing here is that you don't have to make a decision today. You don't have children to worry about. You were able to work out separate living situations. There is no rush on this decision, and that's a good thing because you both have things you want to work through on your own.

I've spent time on a forum just for people going through infidelity, and I've gotten to know many people who have reconciled like my husband and I. It's not impossible if it's what you want and it continues to be a healthy choice day after day. I've seen plenty of people do it, or at least find much joy in the process of working toward that goal (just like we're never arrived at "100% wise" or "100% mature" or "100% healthy," we don't arrive at "100% reconciled" or "perfect relationship" either . . . the effort, the practice, and the striving are what make our lives worthwhile).

You've heard a lot of reasons to be wary of your boyfriend, and I won't disagree. You should be wary. But from my experience, having a cheater admit it fully without blaming or minimizing on DDay is pretty rare. That means your boyfriend is maybe more self-aware and compassionate than the average cheater, with the obvious demerits for lacking enough self-awareness and compassion to avoid cheating in the first place. And so maybe that's a sign that he can do the work to become a safe partner. Of course, there just aren't any guarantees. Not for any of us, cheating or not. All you can do is make your decisions each day based on healthy boundaries.

Hang in there.

[Irock]

Only thing he said you can absolutely believe.. is that you can't believe a word he says.  I know that feeling like you want to vomit because you just got your insides gutted... s*** for me it's been ten years since that crap... Took me a long road of pain... And second guessing .. could we get back together . He says he loves me.... Bullshit.. it's all up to you.... The sooner you are able to realize he has been smiling in your face and lying and betraying you every way possible.. the better.. my husband minimized it all.  Drove me nuts for five years with this s***... You will always have doubt...always.... Put yourself first... Save yourself.  He won't .. he will treat you how you let him.. for as long as you let him... Don't waste time like I did miserable

[understand50]

Mayaa,

It comes down to two things. 

One, do you think you would be better off reconciling with him or finding someone else.  If you look at everything, from Love and affection, to economics, to impact on family, is staying what is best for you?  Once you have that answir, or have a good idea, (and it is different for each person) you can move on to the second question.

Two, do you think, and can he show by his actions, (talk is cheap) that he is remorseful, and will change to become a faithful partner?  depending on this answir, you may decide to reconcile and stay together.  In the end it is your decision.  Your "gift of a second chance" is just that, a gift, and your Boy Friend needs to know it is not his right, but your choice. 

I wish you luck.