Need Help!!!

[riverlacet]

Hello people...l'm new to these boards , just found this one today actually...l am in grave need of some help and as l have no one l can speak with and so little money to get professional help, l decided to reach in out in this manner in hopes that a few wize people may have a few answers that l seek..l need help bad. Just to give you an idea of what is going on here l'll try to be as brief as possible.

 

l'm a 40 yr old woman that thinks her is addicted to sex....l'm married and have been since l was 20 been with him since l was 14 yrs old. l have two teenagers a boy and a girl. l have always prided myself on being a up right straight forward honest person who gave to this relationship everything l ever had...well thats until 4 yrs ago when things inside me started to change. Yes l was hurt by the fact that he has lied to me in the past....worked too much and even when he was home l didnt feel connected with him the way it was in the begining. He did things to make me distrust in him and l thought l had forgave and moved on inside my heart but perhaps l havent....5 yrs ago l lay in my bed night after night alone...feeling lonely, not loved, he wouldnt come to bed said he couldnt sleep . l was over weight and my self estem was shot. But still l was me...Well l got my health issues right and lost alot of weight and poof he was back up in my bed and wanting to be sexual with me and that shi$ hurt ...real deep.Something snapped inside me l think cuz l started doing things l never have...like flirting alot. wanting attention from complete strangers. l feel was wanting to prove to myself l was still desired or wanted...that l was beautiful and l hadnt felt beautiful in so very long you see. Anyways to make a long story short , l have connected with men many men online...some l have even met and gotten close enough to have had sex with , always protected mind you but it hasnt fulfilled whats lost inside me, infact it has only made this hole larger. l think l'm addicted to sex. l have been with 8 men sexually and l feel so disgusted and ashamed in who l have become...l dont know how to stop and although l have thought about ending my life on this planet l just can for l would be hurting too many souls in doing so...mainly my kids. l'm confused and l seek out answers ...l'm not religious but l am spiritual. So going to confess my sins to some prest isnt going to help me. No l'm not inlove with my hubby, but l love him and he is a good man he has changed alot...l have not told anyone what this other life of mines like ...its a huge dark secret that my soul is hiding and l think at times its slowly eating away at me. l've even starting to gain a few pounds l think its a way of my body trying to help me, as if -if l gain some weight then l wouldnt be doing this horrid lifestyle ...l know what l am doing is wrong and many would think l am the worst human on this earth for doing so but believe me when l say l already think this...l need to stop !!!! l need help...l want to be who l was and make this marriage work....make this life work!!!!

riverlace:(

[Mz. Pixie]

I've been where you are but not to that extreme. Be prepared to take alot of hits about being unfaithful here- because alot of people who post here are the betrayed spouses. They have alot of pain and understandably so.

 

First of all, 8 partners? You're not stating over what period of time. What you are doing is trying to get something you're not getting in your marriage. You and your husband desperately need some counseling to work through this. You could go individually and discuss whether or not you're going to disclose any of this to your husband.

 

This could possibly be about what these men are giving you besides sex- attention, admiration. Is it the actual sex you crave or the attention? In my case it was attention.

 

Disconnect the internet, immediately. This is like giving a crack addict crack but telling them not to smoke it. Then, get you and your husband in counseling QUICK. Don't tell me it's not a option because you can't afford it, you can afford it. If it's between divorce and paying for counseling, trust me, counseling is cheaper.

[Tiny]

I'm in a relationship with a women very like yourself, I've loved her faithfully for 8 years, we have hardly ever argued, everything seemed ok to me, (what has gone from being an easy going, stable, free and loving relationship has turned into a cheap horrible, soap opera) but no, now i know all was not well, she hadn't the guts to confront me with her "issues" (are her "issues" just excuses?) was i blind? obviously.

 

Anyway I wish you could understand the pain and feeling of being utterly destroyed inside, I honestly wish i'd died instead of going through this unending suffering and torment day after day after day, it's been over 8 weeks now but the pain never eases, i haven't any advice for you except maybe it's time to look for another (mug) man to help you in your unending quest for happiness and contentment, there again maybe you'll be happy enough just going after some more c*** good luck to you, I hope you contract a really nice std.

 

All relationships become stale usually after about 5 or 6 years in my experience, it's the couples that have some special inner core love, and deep feeling of togetherness that survive, the rest go where you are now.

 

ps:I'd love to help you, but i'm afraid my shotgun license has been expired many years now.

 

pps:Sorry about the above sarcasm, but if you knew how i felt inside, the hate, and anger, the feeling of total loss and worthlessness, the knowing that from now on nothing will lever be the same between us, even though "were trying to work it out" you might understand a little better :/

[sylviaguardian]

First of all riverlace, nothing is worth taking your life over. Everything must seem like a huge mess right now but there is no mess that cannot be fixed if you go about it the right way. I don't think you are addicted to sex as such, I think you have huge issues that probably don't stem from your marriage but from way before then. I guess the issues in your marriage were just the catalyst for your behaviour.

 

Like anyone with an addiction, you are trying to fill a hole that can never really be filled with the addiction. You feel unloveable and are trying to prove to yourself that you can be loved but of course, what you are doing just makes you feel more empty. To get out of the mess you are in, you need to address why you feel this way in the first place. The best way to do that is, of course, through counselling, although I'm sure you will probably already know yourself why you feel that you were never loved.

 

As Ms Pixie said, you need to stop contacting these men. They are abusing your vulnerability. Try to fill your time with things that make you feel good on a longer-term basis - go out with your kids, meet a friend. Do you have a good friend who you can confide in? Keep yourself busy just now. You are in a mess but thinking that it is a catastrophe is not going to help.

 

You CAN get yourself out of this - just take one step at a time. But you need to address the root of the problem. What was your relationship with your parents like? Why did you marry so young?

 

Have some fatih in yourself. There is a way and you will find it, but you need to be strong.

 

Sylvia

[aloneinTX]

l just can for l would be hurting too many souls in doing so...mainly my kids.

 

It's not just about you, your kids or whoever You care for, it is ALSO about the 8 men's family, friends etc. Straighten your mess out before causing a mess in other families. Granted the men willingly consented but for you stop offering it to them.

[riverlacet]

l wanted to say thanks for all who have offered some help with my issue here....To Mz Pixie, l hear your words and l understand people come on this board with alot of pain l can relate in my own way with some of the pain.... to clear up a few things..the 8 men l slept with was over a period of 3 and a half yrs they were all single men and l know now they only wanted to satify their needs at the time.

l suppose l did also but it left me feeling dirty and the self hatred is huge in my heart and soul.

l did crave their attention, a connection with them that was short lived unfortunitly.After reading your post yesterday l felt better so thanks...l have cancelled the messenger l had and l am no longer going to the place ont he net where l would meet these men..but its hard...l want this withdrawl but its difficult to let go. l spend the day with my kids yesterday and l really tried to stay inthe moment and it sure felt wonderful to really be with them...

 

Sylvia--- Thanks for your help also....your so right about the huge mess l'm in right now....feels like l'm in this everlasting tunnel that sucks me in day after day...my past has caused me some deep issues and l've been working on that also....and it so true that what l have done has only made things worse and caused more pain for me to live through....As for what you said about spending time with my kids well that is helping me alot...l dont have many real close friends only one and l dont see her much....Actually its like these past few yrs l've isolated myself from this whole friggin planet in a way....l exist ....thats it. As for my relationship with my mom and dad well with my mom its good, as long as l dodnt say anything to upset her ..change does that to the poor woman. My dad died in last May of this yr and well there are things in our past that have caused me feeling of hurt on a very deep level indeed!......Thank you both for being positive and helping my undeserving soul....l think its like a drunk perhaps you have to hit rock bottom before you can crawl out of the hell your in...This morning is the first morning in so very long where l feel like l can finally start to see the light...one small step at a time...

 

 

Tiny-----First off Tiny l wanted to say that even though your words to me are not kind , nor positive , l thank you for being real with me guy...lèm sorry your going through hell with your lady but believe me when l say l and l cant speak on your relationship with what the two of you are going through, but l can say most times when we think everything is fine with the other person, well most times it is not and the other person doesnt see or even care to reach out of their happy little thoughts of contentment long enough to really hear or feel what the other person wants to express....l am not her....she and i do not share the same patterns in where we are in this life...and as much as you would like to victomize me for what this woman has done to you...that is not putting the blame on the correct person....l myself lived with hubbyès lies and disseption for a long time ...while he went off and did his own thing,,,,,l dont blame him for making me react to this hell l have put myself in but it sure the he$$ would have helped to have had him in the Now when it came to the relationship....As for you saying you wish l could understand the pain you have been existing in ,,,well l have lived through an unending suffering and torment day after day in my own way...first when he cheated on me in my late teens , only to take it back and say,,no no no it didnt really happen...then through my twently with being abandoned and left to find my own way home with no notice that he was renting cars and going tot he city to party and hook up...no no l had to swallow alot of his shi$ to save what we had and although l realize what l am doing now is disgusting and wrong ...lèm taking steps to be a better me and dig myself out of this hell lm in..

l wish you luck in making things work out...l really do and l wish you no ill harm for l have faith that each of us can find happiness if its out there....

 

Alonein Tx-----l know its not just about me , l realize that...l wouldnt be trying to reach out like this if l didnt know that what lve done wouldnt affect people. lm taking small steps forward wtihout going backward, its all l can do,

 

Thank you all

hugs T

[Tiny]

Yes your right, I shouldn't make judgements on people as quickly as I did on you last night, It wasn't fair or just. I saw your post, felt the anger and rage rise and just typed (And i'm sure the Smirnoff didn't help my feelings too well either )

 

Listen Riverlacet, i'd just like you to know that I don't wish you harm in any way, and I hope you come through this ok I really do, coz I'm not the type of guy to harbour ill will on anyone, let alone a seemingly genuinely remorseful women like yourself.

 

From your story of how your husbands acted to you over the years, it seems like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other and tbh that wasn't fair on you either, the thing is I have never been unfaithful or messed my SO around, maybe things have cooled off between us over the years, but I never realised she was feeling so distant and unloved (or so she says, I sometimes wonder if this isn't another justification for her actions) from me untill all this s*** came out.

 

Anyway I hope too, that we can both find someone to love, and have that love genuinely returned and that it lasts for the rest of our lives (call me a romantic, which at heart I no doubt am)

 

The only advice I can give, is some that I should probably take a little of myself, and that is. If you find something worth having, make sure you don't take it for granted and abuse it, and always express your true feelings and hopefully they will be returned, complacency is a terrible thing, it's something that has probably ruined both my long term relationships in the last 20 years, i'll have to keep that firmly in mind for my next one, and at 42 yrs of age i'm starting to wonder if theres going to be a "next one" or if I can really risk going through this all again? which I no doubt will, for after all, what is life worth living for, without Love.

 

ps: I hope we both get it right next time, take care and good luck.

[riverlacet]

l wanted to say , l know how you feel about having a bad day Tiny. l have alot of those it seems. But l'm making the effort to go forward now and not back.....You blowing off some steam when you was upset is fine l understand it completely actually and l know from what you have just expressed here that you didnt mean for it to be towards me persay....l'm not young anymore guy so l can relate to what you mentioned about being 42 well l'm 40 and l know all too well that l cant get any of that time back and becided l've learnt so very much about what real love and total commitment can be like....l'm a hopeless romantic that has lost herself these past 4 yrs and although l thought (well basiclly l wasnt thinking straight) l could help the pain l felt inside my soul by reaching out to seek a soulmate that truly loved me for who l am on the inside first....as l think thats how it should be actually. l seeked out a true inner connection to be emotionally and mentally loved, but it has only messed me up in every fasset of my existance. Funny thing is when l was younger l never took anything for granted....but then l lost sight of what is really important and l have forever distorted and changed who l am , or will be in the future in doing so.....

We will find what we as humans need to feel happiness l must have faith in this for its the only thing that has kept me going and a few days ago when l decided to reach out to get some help in some way for l know keeping everything inside has only made me feel more alone and isolated ,,,,You dear man please listen to this....l am no one to be trusted l realize this but l'm trying to mend that part of my fractured soul and life and have a start over....You take as long as you need to heal...hear me....take things at your pace...l've always done what everyone around me expected and wanted from me until l changed a few yrs back and completely destroyed my life.....good people make mistakes....if they can see it they may be able to make things better somehow.... take care Tiny

This is a jouney we all make....just some of our roads are alot more bummpy and hurtful...l believe what doesnt kill us which l must say this is hurtful.....well it makes us stronger some how...l have my good days every now and then and think positive....but not most days....

hugs T

[mcgee0]

either stop what you are doing or be prepared for him to find out, b/c he will. Marriage counselling could maybe bring the two of you closer again. I know it costs $$$ but if you really want to save your marriage, it would be worth it. It's normal for him to become less attracted to you if you were out of shape, but he should still be loving and understanding. BTW congrats on regaining your health! I had to do so as well, and I know how hard it can be.

[aloneinTX]

What I was saying is that so many times, and it seems most often that people have A's for the sexual urge, get even or whatever reason they come up with. Instead of taking a minute to think beyond themself of how it my affect someone else........family, friends, children, spouse, work..etc. when the A doesn't turn out like the fairytale they hope for. For anybody just take a minute to look into the eye's of loved ones instead of "me me me.......it's all what I want!"

[Tiny]

What I was saying is that so many times, and it seems most often that people have A's for the sexual urge, get even or whatever reason they come up with. Instead of taking a minute to think beyond themself of how it my affect someone else........family, friends, children, spouse, work..etc. when the A doesn't turn out like the fairytale they hope for. For anybody just take a minute to look into the eye's of loved ones instead of "me me me.......it's all what I want!"

 

Good point, the same thought has passed through my mind on many occasions. But the thing is if all these people who have affairs, really gave any thought to what you have just said, there'd be a lot less unhappy people in this world. The fact is, they never do and always go for the "easy" option, "the quick fix" "the fairytale" as you put it, which at the end of the day always turns out to be the hardest one of all, for everyone involved, themselves included.

[aloneinTX]

Good point, the same thought has passed through my mind on many occasions. But the thing is if all these people who have affairs, really gave any thought to what you have just said, there'd be a lot less unhappy people in this world. The fact is, they never do and always go for the "easy" option, "the quick fix" "the fairytale" as you put it, which at the end of the day always turns out to be the hardest one of all, for everyone involved, themselves included.

 

 

So true