Why Doesn't He Care?

[Gatlin1982]

Hi All! Hoping for some insight. Right now, not only do I feel like a complete idiot letting myself get into a huge mess, but he doesn't even seem to care...

I fell for a MM a couple years ago. We became close, had a couple physical moments, decided friends would be best as we work together, then physical contact happened again, and then it teetered to friends again.. Well, during this, I ended up falling in love with him, or so I think? I have super strong feelings for him. He of course doesn't tell me back. I asked him to look me in the eye once and tell me he DOESNT love me back (hoping I could walk away after that) and he said "I've tried really hard NOT to love you" which should have been my que to leave right then right?! But no, I was not smart enough to then.. I think because I felt he is always just so honest with me?  He talked me into friends, saying I mean a lot to him, he values my friendship, which, in a way I believe, because he hasn't tried anything sexual since, BUT he knows how I feel, yet, he continues the consistent contact with me and the communication with calling me just to chat, which in turn makes me feel so special because he's such a busy person.. and so on.. which while I'm typing this all sounds so ridiculous, yet I cant seem to wrap my brain around it if it makes sense? Anyway, today he called me to tell me he bought a lake house, I said oh awesome, (hes wanted a fixer upper forever so I was happy for him) and as I have been TRYING HARD TO JUST BE FRIENDS, I said that's great for you 2 I hope it works out, he says, "it's my thing, we have separate accounts" well, ok, I'm not an idiot, it's a lake house, you 2 are married, you're not going to go at separate times.. c'mon.. so it's like.. he wants to only be friends but then throws those wrenches like that in? I don't understand? Like to me, that's a man interested in a woman trying to say, I have no interest in another woman right? Anyway, so it hurt me and the toxicity of this kind of crap is just a cycle so finally I was like, dude, I'm over this, I'm sorry, but I want affection from you, you're not able and willing to give that to me, I want to be your friend, but a TRUE friend would be happy for both you and your wife not just for you and envious of your wife, so I'm not being honest with you. So this needs to end, and then finally was like, I love you I care about you, I want to know about your life achievements, but not with your wife involved.. he never responded.. which makes me feel like s***, because that makes me feel like he DGAF.. How could you have a romantic relationship with someone, basically beg for a friendship then not give a flying f*** when I end it. I mean, I know I shouldn't care, I'm doing this for myself, it's just, really? Did he never care in the first place? Was all this friendship stuff fake to begin with? I know this sounds cliché, but it did feel different and special.. 

[glows]

It's just him being what he's always been - full of himself and inconsiderate. He's married and he had an affair or fling with another woman. That is inconsiderate and an understatement of the year. Any form of deception is inconsiderate. It's part of the reason why you feel so rotten overall and can't see the forest for the trees. 

He said he values your friendship because it's an easy perch for a deceitful person to rest on. He enjoys talking with you and having your company or appreciate your sexual encounters every now and then but it never goes beyond that because he has the security of his wife. He won't respond to you because it will lead to an argument and debate about what you both are to each other and you seeking validation about whether he feels more deeply for you or whether he loves you. He won't say that because he's covering his behind. He will, however, boast about his lake house because it's a neutral topic and he gets to let you know about how proud he is of himself that he's independent enough to have a separate account from his wife (a breadcrumb for you to let your imagination run wild on what more he can do with that separate account). 

Are you really buying any of this? Think carefully about what you want for yourself.

[Gatlin1982]

1 minute ago, glows said:

It's just him being what he's always been - full of himself and inconsiderate. He's married and he had an affair or fling with another woman. That is inconsiderate and an understatement of the year. Any form of deception is inconsiderate. It's part of the reason why you feel so rotten overall and can't see the forest for the trees. 

He said he values your friendship because it's an easy perch for a deceitful person to rest on. He enjoys talking with you and having your company or appreciate your sexual encounters every now and then but it never goes beyond that because he has the security of his wife. He won't respond to you because it will lead to an argument and debate about what you both are to each other and you seeking validation about whether he feels more deeply for you or whether he loves you. He won't say that because he's covering his behind. He will, however, boast about his lake house because it's a neutral topic and he gets to let you know about how proud he is of himself that he's independent enough to have a separate account from his wife (a breadcrumb for you to let your imagination run wild on what more he can do with that separate account). 

Are you really buying any of this? Think carefully about what you want for yourself.

Oh no, absolutely not, I really am not buying it, actually the past few weeks I have been contemplating ghosting, but because we work together, its inevitable that we will cross paths and need to talk as we are both supervisors in different departments. The cycle of this just seems never ending and I'm really just tired of always wanting more but knowing im never going to get more and he's never promised me more, yet I keep hanging on.. it's stupid, because I KNOW it's stupid and I know I have some reflecting on myself to do, it's just a habit I need to break, and now that he's ignoring ME, I'm feeling angry and insignificant that I put so much effort, headspace and initiative in even trying to make a FRIENDSHIP work when it clearly was nothing to him. But I think you're right, I think he just needed to boast. I think I'm just sad and upset that he didn't ever care and I'm just realizing it and it hurts.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Gatlin1982 said:

Oh no, absolutely not, I really am not buying it, actually the past few weeks I have been contemplating ghosting, but because we work together, its inevitable that we will cross paths and need to talk as we are both supervisors in different departments. The cycle of this just seems never ending and I'm really just tired of always wanting more but knowing im never going to get more and he's never promised me more, yet I keep hanging on.. it's stupid, because I KNOW it's stupid and I know I have some reflecting on myself to do, it's just a habit I need to break, and now that he's ignoring ME, I'm feeling angry and insignificant that I put so much effort, headspace and initiative in even trying to make a FRIENDSHIP work when it clearly was nothing to him. But I think you're right, I think he just needed to boast. I think I'm just sad and upset that he didn't ever care and I'm just realizing it and it hurts.

I'd remain cordial at work and let his messages sink to the bottom. Use technology in your favour and mute or silence the messages and calls so that you are not prompted to respond (it doesn't require any response or reading until a much later time). You can check it a week later, a few days later, when you're strong enough to look but not respond. The less you keep reacting to him or his wants/needs, the less and less importance he plays in your life. This is up to you though, if you really want to end the affair. 

You could be dating someone who is free and available to love and appreciate you.

[Gatlin1982]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I'd remain cordial at work and let his messages sink to the bottom. Use technology in your favour and mute or silence the messages and calls so that you are not prompted to respond (it doesn't require any response or reading until a much later time). You can check it a week later, a few days later, when you're strong enough to look but not respond. The less you keep reacting to him or his wants/needs, the less and less importance he plays in your life. This is up to you though, if you really want to end the affair. 

You could be dating someone who is free and available to love and appreciate you.

Yeah, you're absolutely right, I am ready to end this, and I want to so bad, I just don't know how to be strong about it. If I didn't work with him, it would make it much easier. I suppose you are right though, There is no reason his communication needs to be my priority anymore  Thank you so much. I guess sometimes it just takes someone looking in to say, it's not special,. I imagined he was only wanting to be friends to make sure he always knew I would keep quiet, yknow like, never be mad at him.. but then im like, WHY does he keep initiating contact with me? I'm clearly not calling him anymore, you'd think this would be his out?

[JRabbit]

34 minutes ago, Gatlin1982 said:

Did he never care in the first place? Was all this friendship stuff fake to begin with?

Yes. I'm sorry to be harsh but that is the truth. You see what he wanted now and who he truly is now. Believe what you see.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Gatlin1982 said:

Yeah, you're absolutely right, I am ready to end this, and I want to so bad, I just don't know how to be strong about it. If I didn't work with him, it would make it much easier. I suppose you are right though, There is no reason his communication needs to be my priority anymore  Thank you so much. I guess sometimes it just takes someone looking in to say, it's not special,. I imagined he was only wanting to be friends to make sure he always knew I would keep quiet, yknow like, never be mad at him.. but then im like, WHY does he keep initiating contact with me? I'm clearly not calling him anymore, you'd think this would be his out?

You're welcome. I don't think it's his out. I think it's his perch, like I said earlier and his MO. He keeps contacting you because that's his entire method of weaseling and deception.

Eventually you know that he will find his way into your heart and in your bed again but you will gain nothing from it but more heartache. He will perch as a "friend", under the guise of a "friend" without ever being anything tangibly more to you. Hoping for something different when he's married or attached to someone else is a fool's errand and your heart is precious. Whatever you think you ought to deserve in a relationship, go out and get it. Don't sit on the sidelines like this waiting for someone to be something that they are not. 

[LynneVicious]

Sorry you’re hurting op. Friendships don’t work after affairs. They can’t work. ‘Friendship’ is a guise for the emotional aspect of the affair to continue. 

It sounds like you gave him an ultimatum of being his friend only if he’s wife isn’t there. As per usual with 99% of married men, he chose his wife. Case closed. 

I know the ow always feels that their situation is different and special and their mm is different, but they all follow the same script. Your situation is no different. You served your purpose until you didn’t. Please let him go. If you try to go to ur a friendship, you’ll only be stringing your hurt along and hurting his family as well. Just go no contact and don’t ever try to be ‘friends’ with a married man again. 

[Gatlin1982]

2 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Sorry you’re hurting op. Friendships don’t work after affairs. They can’t work. ‘Friendship’ is a guise for the emotional aspect of the affair to continue. 

It sounds like you gave him an ultimatum of being his friend only if he’s wife isn’t there. As per usual with 99% of married men, he chose his wife. Case closed. 

I know the ow always feels that their situation is different and special and their mm is different, but they all follow the same script. Your situation is no different. You served your purpose until you didn’t. Please let him go. If you try to go to ur a friendship, you’ll only be stringing your hurt along and hurting his family as well. Just go no contact and don’t ever try to be ‘friends’ with a married man again. 

Thanks. I guess I go to the 'friends' thing because during the affair, we shared so much, I know so much about him, his dreams, his hopes, he opened up, I guess just to throw all that away is a hard pill to swallow. Although I know there is no chance of a romantic life with him, just the history we had was enough to keep me hooked and I feel like a total ass for ending it. I feel like to have just ended a friendship, we should have had a big fight or something.. he should have done something horrible.. so of course I have my second thoughts on ending it, but I know it's better for me mentally because the feelings will never subside if I continue to pretend to just be his friend. Im also not being honest with him either, which sounds silly, but he still deserves my honesty as a friend, and Im not if im just pretending to be one.

[Gatlin1982]

Just now, Gatlin1982 said:

Thanks. I guess I go to the 'friends' thing because during the affair, we shared so much, I know so much about him, his dreams, his hopes, he opened up, I guess just to throw all that away is a hard pill to swallow. Although I know there is no chance of a romantic life with him, just the history we had was enough to keep me hooked and I feel like a total ass for ending it. I feel like to have just ended a friendship, we should have had a big fight or something.. he should have done something horrible.. so of course I have my second thoughts on ending it, but I know it's better for me mentally because the feelings will never subside if I continue to pretend to just be his friend. Im also not being honest with him either, which sounds silly, but he still deserves my honesty as a friend, and Im not if im just pretending to be one.

AND I guess I didnt end it in a bad way, I was completey honest by saying I love you and care about you and I cant be honest and pretend to be your friend with real feelings, etc etc.. I didnt berate him or accuse him. I did say, I am worth more than some Monday thru Friday communication and if you cant give me the affection that I want and deserve than I dont feel we should continue the situation that we are in especially since it is causing me so much toxicity. 

I dont believe that sounds rude or accusing right? I shouldnt have any shame or feel I was being overly dramatic about?

[LynneVicious]

5 minutes ago, Gatlin1982 said:

I feel like to have just ended a friendship, we should have had a big fight or something.. he should have done something horrible.

He did do something horrible. Cheated on his wife with you. You want friendship because you still want that connection with him. It’s still an affair even without the physical aspect. You cannot be friends with him anymore. Plus, being friends with him will not allow you to heal. If you can, look for another job. Go complete no contact to help you heal. 

[BaileyB]

I would have absolutely no patience for this kind of behavior from a man. Not only a man, any friend who ran hot and cold, who I knew to be dishonest and untrustworthy. If you are the friends you keep, as that saying goes, you’ve got a problem here OP.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Gatlin1982 said:

He talked me into friends, saying I mean a lot to him, he values my friendship, which, in a way I believe, because he hasn't tried anything sexual since, BUT he knows how I feel, yet, he continues the consistent contact with me and the communication with calling me just to chat, which in turn makes me feel so special because he's such a busy person.. an

Sometimes when the affair is over the MM will offer the hand of friendship just to keep OW calm giving a little bit here and there.  Sometimes it's so she isn't so hurt that she will decide to blow up his life and tell his wife about the affair.  So he gives just enough to make it not enough for OW making her eventually end the friendship.  Then it's over and he gets away scott free.

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sometimes when the affair is over the MM will offer the hand of friendship just to keep OW calm giving a little bit here and there.  Sometimes it's so she isn't so hurt that she will decide to blow up his life and tell his wife about the affair.  So he gives just enough to make it not enough for OW making her eventually end the friendship.  Then it's over and he gets away scott free.

Either this, or he is trying to keep her on the back burner - this on again/off again affair.

[Gatlin1982]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Either this, or he is trying to keep her on the back burner - this on again/off again affair.

Yeah, Im really NOT sure what his motive is. I do know that I feel differently this time than I have the last 4082 times we have done this.  I have a sense of finality, I guess the part that bothered me the most was that he just never seemed to care as much as I did. So, it's kind of degrading to think I never meant anything to him to just flat out ignore me like that. And not that I think it would have done any 'good' to chase after me, I guess the woman in me is like, why the f*** didnt he bother yknow? 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Gatlin1982 said:

feel like he DGAF

Unfortunately that's true. He cares about his wife/family and preserving his marriage. You're just a toy, like a new video game that gets old and disposable, sadly. 

When you are ready to wake up from this, you'll improve your life.