Fiancé (26) Flirting at the bar

[Uruktopi]

9 hours ago, Olivia24 said:

...........but i would  postpone the  marriage........

Wise.

Yes, postpone it for a century or may be two.

And about dating her while........you may call her by your next available 31st of February.

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? It's pretty clear neither of you want to be married, especially to each other.

For him it seems as "arranged" as a death sentence.

And by now, as desirable as if it was.

I hope he ends having enough clemency for himself. 

 

[Daisydooks]

All of my "nope the f*** out of this situation" alarms are going off. 

I wonder what she does when youre not right in front of her 

[Donnas]

Well you are at a bar.

Drinkingggg?

What do you think happens when people drinks?

You become more lose some how. 

Somehow you can expect something to happen.

But the way she lose herself is alarming. And looks like something she done before.

If you marry her this behaviour wont disappear! It will only be that you are married to it now.

Dont know how long you know her, but sure its best not to marry any time soon and get to know her some more and see if she is really who u wanna be with.

And meanwhile get counseling and talk stuff like this out and let eachother know what you like and dont like.

[poppyfields]

On 7/17/2021 at 10:51 AM, Olivia24 said:

I wouldnt end the relationship but i would  postpone the  marriage. See where  it  goes

Hi @Olivia24and welcome to LS! 😆

I'm curious about your above opinion, can you elaborate? 

You have many posts asserting your opinion in a few words or less, but this time I'd love to know why you feel he should end the engagement but continue the relationship and "see where it goes"?

In my opinion, postponing the engagement is the beginning of the end anyway.  

She is untrustworthy and an attention, um, 'seeker.'  There is no refuting that. 

Her actions were flat out disrespectful to both her fiance and their relationship.  I mean, she stuck her boob out!  That goes beyond, way beyond innocent flirting, and right in front of her fiance's face! 

There is no coming back from this blatant disregard for your feelings OP, and utter disrespect, no matter how many times she gets down on her knees begging forgiveness.

This is her character, this is or should be DONE.  If me, I would have walked out and left them to it.  Bye. Forever.

It's why people date, have relationships and engagements before jumping into marriage.  To assess each other's behavior and character.  Hers is clearly very very poor.

But hey, I'm open minded so again @Olivia24if you would elaborate on what's quoted above, it would be appreciated! 

My thinking may possibly be too rigid about this, and I abhor rigidity. 

Thanks in advance! 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

but this time I'd love to know why you feel he should end the engagement but continue the relationship and "see where it goes"?

In my opinion, postponing the engagement is the beginning of the end anyway.  

She is untrustworthy and an attention, um, 'seeker.'  There is no refuting that. 

* * * 

My thinking may possibly be too rigid about this, and I abhor rigidity. 

I'm not olivia but I also advocated for lengthening the engagement & getting pre-marital counseling.   Attention seeking behaviors sometimes work themselves out as people mellow with age & maturity.  

The OP clearly loved his FI enough to propose & she loved him enough to say yes so before you throw that away over a drunken stupid thing in a bar, exploration & meaningful conversation are in order.  

[Uruktopi]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not olivia but I also advocated for lengthening the engagement & getting pre-marital counseling.   Attention seeking behaviors sometimes work themselves out as people mellow with age & maturity.  

The OP clearly loved his FI enough to propose & she loved him enough to say yes so before you throw that away over a drunken stupid thing in a bar, exploration & meaningful conversation are in order.  

Can someone tell me if there is a "I dissagree" button?

 

[d0nnivain]

There is not an I disagree button but you are free to disagree.  We're all just offering our own opinions.  

FWIW while I advocate talking & counseling, I am not optimistic that these two will make it down the aisle any time soon.  The girl clearly isn't ready but IMO there is something to be said for not making life changing decisions rashly in the heat of the moment.  

[Uruktopi]

40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There is not an I disagree button but you are free to disagree.  We're all just offering our own opinions.  

FWIW while I advocate talking & counseling, I am not optimistic that these two will make it down the aisle any time soon.  The girl clearly isn't ready but IMO there is something to be said for not making life changing decisions rashly in the heat of the moment.  

IMO the value of any relationship is not over what happens but conditional to it.

To give an extreme analogy, no relationship and not even the best ones would last after one of them pass away. It´s not about decitions but conditional to facts.

And some behaviours are IMO crossing the factual limit of the ones that should be contained inside a couple relationship.

So much enough that only one time is one time over the acceptable margin.

Of course each one is free to choose the kind of realtionship they look for.

But what he accepts now is what he will probably have in the future, being optimist about.

Edited July 27, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

36 minutes ago, Olivia24 said:

I agree. A  little time isnt too much too ask.

She can have all the time she may need to mature and become, if she will, someone fit to have a date with, let´s put aside getting married.

So, no, it´s not much to ask to let her have as much single time as she wants. Nothing to blame while she remains out of his life.

Edited July 27, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

In a wider perspective, I´m saying about the same as other posters. 

He shouldn´t rush and he should take his time about.

All the appearent dissageement is about how much time.

Why not to wait for just a decade or two to call her again? A longer delay would be too much, right?

Edited July 27, 2021 by Uruktopi

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Uruktopi said:

Why not to wait for just a decade or two to call her again? A longer delay would be too much, right?

I think pushing the wedding back 6 months to a year should be sufficient.  Beyond that, it's hopeless.  

[Uruktopi]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I think pushing the wedding back 6 months to a year should be sufficient.  Beyond that, it's hopeless.  

The one ready to be married in six months is supposed to be also adult enough to be in an adult relationship now.

Marriage have a lot of merits, but no magical powers.

What is not compatible with being married neither is with a commited relationship.

It´s not about it being hopleless but about being clear which hopes to have. 

He already saw what he should "hope" from her. It already happened.

I would find it quite sufficent.

 

And, once more and just by the way, I would say the same if genders were switched. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not Olivia either (she's in a league of her own 😉)

But if the roles were reversed and a man stuck out his ding-a-ling in the same manner, yeah, I'd be having some serious reservations of my own.

 

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not Olivia either (she's in a league of her own 😉)

But if the roles were reversed and a man stuck out his ding-a-ling in the same manner, yeah, I'd be having some serious reservations of my own.

 

Yup, or even just unbuttoned a few buttons of his shirt to show off his chest!  It's disrespectful when in a committed RL or engaged to be married.  I cannot even imagine it.

Both would be dealbreakers, and thank you @Olivia24 and @d0nnivain for responding but I stick to my original opinion.

Again, it goes to her character and values, and one's character and values are not going to change in six months, a year or two years.  No amount of pre-marital counseling is going to change her character, her inner core and how she values committed relationships.

She may go through the motions of changing and feel remorse because of the outcome (the OP dumping her which he should imo) but her character, her values, her lack of respect, I am not even sure if that's a maturity issue.

I know for me, I would never even consider doing such a thing, I didn't back when I was 18 (young and immature), now or ever.

It's not how I was raised to behave, my values, my character.

@PmillerI wish you luck whatever path you choose to take.

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Caauug]

First off, good thinking and don't ever forget this!!!

On 7/16/2021 at 8:12 PM, Pmiller said:

actions speak louder than words.

You said it OP in the first post.... Live it!!!

Why would she flirt with the guy at the bar? 

Validation, Yes. This likely one of the strong or main reasons.

Hypergamy. She was willing to take his number so she is looking to "Trade up". OP, this will hurt but she thinks she can do better than you, and she is still trying. You are the best so far (she has said yes to marriage to you) but she is still looking.... When will she find better? and What will she do to find better? It will not just be flirting at the bar....

Crap Test. She flirted in front of you with another guy, so you and the people you were with could see. If you had not got upset and confronted her the minimum bar would be set. She would know that flirting with other men wasn't near your boundaries, she could do that again with no consequences. This tested your boundaries, your care for the R and how much you value her. As with the quote: "Actions speak louder than words" she was looking at your actions to back up your words....

What can you do?

Dump her. Start over with someone new? Yes, and do it all again...

Put her on hold. Address her poor behaviors of needing validation and poor boundaries. Increase your SMV up to counter the Hypergamy, so she will view you as the best she could hope for... Work on your 6 sixes. You can't fix her but you can fix you.... Be the best you can be.

Carry on like nothing happen or rug sweep the whole thing. This is only short term gain for major long term pain... You will crash and burn!!!! Don't go here...

What you must do!!!

Protect yourself. No cohabitation. Cover up with no unprotected sex and take the condom with you or flush. You have a responsibility to yourself, you have seen what she can/will do, don't leave yourself open to exploitation.