Am I overreacting or high maintenance

[AlphaFemme99]

I’ve posted before about my fiancé who has been using a suicide threat to stop me from leaving many times. I’m now feeling it’s harder to leave particularly after he lost a parent he’s really close to earlier this year.

Hes had stresses before this as well where I feel the anger was taken out on me. Corona has basically pulled him back from a lot of important changes he was ready to do to improve his situation - financial setback as well as a postponed surgery (twice) he’s in pain and not sure if heavy painkillers he takes more than he should and bad sleep adds to his attitude 

now I feel that every incident seems to add to my resentment. I’m usually there for him daily lifting him up and supportive .. I feel when he does anything minor for me he makes it a big deal. 

yesterday for example there was an event I needed to attend that was important to have his support at. He likes going really early and I like to be close to start time. 
Instead of comforting me because he knew how daunting this event would be, he yells out “you’re always late” (NOT true) we made it on time for this too btw 

Afterwards instead of talking because it was a big day for me, he wanted to watch a movie together and I went to the room because I clearly wasn’t going to get support from him. I joked I’ll talk to friends instead or call them over for a hug (which he later threw back in my face because he knows how many male friends would love to hug me) 
 

He’s been falling asleep on the couch often on weekends and regularly I wake when he comes to bed. I told him that he woke me (checked time 1.30am) as he climbed into bed. He started denying .. as usually happens with everything .. and making me doubt my reality. I knew for a fact it was because of him and he’s blaming the heavy wind etc. I tell him it’s not as much what happens but his complete dismissal of my feelings and the lies that upset me. 
 

I can’t imagine this kind of stuff is ‘normal’ in relationships particularly when it keeps happening. There’s a level of self absorption and I can’t seem to say “I feel..” without it being turned around to “excuse me but I’m grieving “ or before that he’d say “it’s called covid” so basically always has an excuse 

[BaileyB]

Quote

I’m usually there for him daily lifting him up and supportive ..

My advice is the same, the only thing you control in this relationship is yourself. You can not love him back to health and happiness… he needs to do this himself and right now, he is not motivated to change anything. If this relationship is not meeting your needs you have but one option - to leave. 

Edited July 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

Have you read up on abusive relationships? 

It's unclear why you are staying in something that causes pain and frustration from his mother to his attitudes and manipulation.

[IrinaM]

please leave this abusive toxic "relationship" asap. don't worry about him, do not listen to him talk about suicide, don't explain to him your reasoning for leaving, just leave. if he is contemplating suicide, which i guarantee he isn't, that is not your problem to solve or even address. this man does not love you nor respect you, and your life will continue to worsen as long as you spend time with him.

"taking anger out on you" is abuse. you do not exist to help some other person regulate their moods. gaslighting is also abuse. please leave this horrible person. he sounds like he has zero value as a life partner, and he knows it, that's why he uses manipulation tactics to keep you.

please don't feel you have some moral obligation to tend to his suicide threats. you do not. women are raised to feel we have to do all kinds of emotional labor for other people. if he chooses suicide that is on him.

there are also larger issues here, like whether this man would make a good husband. could you count on him to get extra work while you have to stay home with a baby? do you think he would be a good dad?

personally i think you should put yourself first and dump this chump.

[d0nnivain]

You aren't staying because you are in love & looking forward to a life together.  You are being emotionally blackmailed to stay.  You believe if you leave he will kill himself & it will be your fault.  It won't be.  

I am a suicide survivor.  If he makes a decision to take his life, that will be his decision.  It's not on you.  

When you end this, tell his surviving parent that day & ask that person to keep an eye on him.  Specifically tell that person he has threatened to kill himself.  You may also want to share the news of the break up & his threats with his BFF.  At that point your conscience should be clear  

[Lotsgoingon]

As someone whose family had a big thread of depression and as someone who has experienced depression and then dated people who have had depression, I'll be blunt: you don't want to marry someone with serious depression. 

He is blackmailing you ... go ahead and google "I will kill myself if you leave" and you'll see lots of good advice. 

The truth is: if someone kills themselves because of a breakup, that's like killing themselves because their boss yelled at them. In other words, they were suicidal, period! Look around: all of us have been dumped at some point in our lives, often multiple times and multiple times with people we really loved. So what?! We don't kill ourselves. 

Reading your post reminds me of the tv show, "The Sopranos." Basically the mob boss, Tony Soprano goes to see a psychiatrist because he's depressed. The psychiatrist is so freaked out in dealing with him that she herself goes to a psychiatrist. 

You might need to go to therapy to get some extreme clarity and strength to get out of this relationship. You are being blackmailed, with the threat of violence. He's using your own guilt and misunderstanding of depression (and your bad boundaries) as his leverage.

Quit this foolishness. You don't want to marry anyone whose reaction to you dumping them would be to kill themselves. That's a disqualifier right there. You want to marry someone with resilience. Someone who can take care of you during a crisis--and can take care of themselves if you're out of the picture. 

[Els]

The important thing here is the suicide threat, and that is NOT OKAY. Please reach out to a local organisation about that for support and advice - this is some seriously heavy stuff and I don't think posting on an online relationship forum is going to be enough.

That being said, to address your other points, it sounds like your gripes about him were that he wanted to watch a movie after your event and he came to bed at 1.30am. I'm personally not sure why you feel the need to have a long conversation about a (work?) event after the event, or how you expect a partner to go to bed at exactly the time that you want to go to bed, even if they're not sleepy. But that's all small stuff in the bigger picture, the most important part is his threats and his mental health, so you should still get out of there asap.

Edited July 18, 2021 by Elswyth

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: let's get our terms right here. 

"High maintenance" has NOTHING ... ZERO ... ZIPPO to do with the situation you're in, a situation of emotional blackmail and life threats.

High-maintenance people are fully invested in life and living. They're just nitpicky and demanding and want constant attention. To describe your situation as "high maintenance" would be like saying a mass murderer who guns down 20 people "had a bad day." The words are completely inappropriate. 

Maybe one way to see the problem you're facing is to think this way. Imagine your bf was threatening to kill someone else if you left him. Does that sound sane and reasonable and moral to you? Well threatening self-harm is equally immoral and violent. 

 

[Acacia98]

I'm trying to figure out what I would do in your situation, i.e. if I felt trapped in this kind of relationship: His circumstances are heartbreaking, but, for all practical purposes, yours is an emotionally abusive relationship. You're worried that, if you leave, you will hurt him deeply. At the same time, the reality is that if you stay, you will get hurt.

You sound like you've depleted your emotional resources. That's why you're starting to feel irritated and resentful. In your shoes, I'd probably start to disengage emotionally at this point. That means I'd stop inviting him to events that meant a lot to me. I'd stop expecting and asking him to be emotionally supportive. And if he did something that he knew would upset me, I'd stop expressing my hurt/anger to him. In my case, it wouldn't be calculated. It would happen organically because that's how I generally behave when I've given up on someone but my hands are tied.

Edited July 18, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you need to listen to your instincts that you need to run from this.👟👟

[Miss Spider]

My first bf used that threat too though more low key. You’re not overreacting.  Leave and don’t look back. 

[AlphaFemme99]

11 hours ago, Olivia24 said:

Very true, and  using that to control someone else is wrong. If some  guy threatened to kill himself over  me the  next thing  i would think is  if  he  is going to kill me. In this case  i think he  is  just trying to use it for  control. A healthy relationship is  NEVER  based  on control.

He got into a rage over something while driving together one Sunday because I questioned him about something and wouldn’t accept his answer or further probed about it .. 

He yelled out that I’m gonna make him wrap me around a pole the way my going and then covered up by saying he’ll take us both out. Basically calmed down but is trying to blame me for his anger. He hasn’t been physical in the 2 years we’ve been together but I will not tolerate intimidation and will bring it up (our second relationship session is next week) 

He had therapy again recently and showed me a video he took two days after his outburst - apparently he contemplated jumping off the bridge and was saying how he doesn’t want to be here anymore .. misses his dad .. he loves me but I don’t believe anything he tells me anymore .. then said he showed his psychologist this video 

he was given an app that he downloaded to help between sessions and manage stress. I don’t think he’s telling his psychologist the full story or would get more serious help. Are there inpatient programs that don’t cost the earth ? 

[AlphaFemme99]

11 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm trying to figure out what I would do in your situation, i.e. if I felt trapped in this kind of relationship: His circumstances are heartbreaking, but, for all practical purposes, yours is an emotionally abusive relationship. You're worried that, if you leave, you will hurt him deeply. At the same time, the reality is that if you stay, you will get hurt.

You sound like you've depleted your emotional resources. That's why you're starting to feel irritated and resentful. In your shoes, I'd probably start to disengage emotionally at this point. That means I'd stop inviting him to events that meant a lot to me. I'd stop expecting and asking him to be emotionally supportive. And if he did something that he knew would upset me, I'd stop expressing my hurt/anger to him. In my case, it wouldn't be calculated. It would happen organically because that's how I generally behave when I've given up on someone but my hands are tied.

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if fkn covid wasn’t in the way. All these restrictions are driving everyone nuts in a way lol 

I’d be out more but even though there have never been cases in my area, there’s a bad atmosphere and not many people are going out .. 

I will be giving this second relationship therapy session a try next week and see how our homework goes this week as we implemented some new rules. Then will have at least a week break to see family alone and think 

 

[AlphaFemme99]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BTW: let's get our terms right here. 

"High maintenance" has NOTHING ... ZERO ... ZIPPO to do with the situation you're in, a situation of emotional blackmail and life threats.

High-maintenance people are fully invested in life and living. They're just nitpicky and demanding and want constant attention. To describe your situation as "high maintenance" would be like saying a mass murderer who guns down 20 people "had a bad day." The words are completely inappropriate. 

Maybe one way to see the problem you're facing is to think this way. Imagine your bf was threatening to kill someone else if you left him. Does that sound sane and reasonable and moral to you? Well threatening self-harm is equally immoral and violent. 

 

You’re right. I took six weeks break early this year and gave him one last chance .. he knew that was it. Then half a week after I returned he lost a parent and he’s more messed up than before .. part of why I’ve stayed longer 🙈

he’s getting better after over a year of therapy but has moments that still upset me. My cut off is nov this year when our lease ends and it’ll be either move forward together or part ways. It’s enough time as his grief is still really strong ..

[AlphaFemme99]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You aren't staying because you are in love & looking forward to a life together.  You are being emotionally blackmailed to stay.  You believe if you leave he will kill himself & it will be your fault.  It won't be.  

I am a suicide survivor.  If he makes a decision to take his life, that will be his decision.  It's not on you.  

When you end this, tell his surviving parent that day & ask that person to keep an eye on him.  Specifically tell that person he has threatened to kill himself.  You may also want to share the news of the break up & his threats with his BFF.  At that point your conscience should be clear  

I’ll need to tell his therapist if I leave because we live out of the city away from any of his friends etc at the moment. His mother is a b**** who is a big part of the problem and talking in his ear about how to treat me .. putting ideas into his head about me. Manipulative. If I told her she would care more about her reputation than anything else .. worse still might try to turn it around on me 

He’s basically had to live his life trying to be perfect so he keeps the family reputation strong (his dad was simply amazing and deserves his good rep but still ..) 

[AlphaFemme99]

On 7/18/2021 at 12:22 PM, IrinaM said:

please leave this abusive toxic "relationship" asap. don't worry about him, do not listen to him talk about suicide, don't explain to him your reasoning for leaving, just leave. if he is contemplating suicide, which i guarantee he isn't, that is not your problem to solve or even address. this man does not love you nor respect you, and your life will continue to worsen as long as you spend time with him.

"taking anger out on you" is abuse. you do not exist to help some other person regulate their moods. gaslighting is also abuse. please leave this horrible person. he sounds like he has zero value as a life partner, and he knows it, that's why he uses manipulation tactics to keep you.

please don't feel you have some moral obligation to tend to his suicide threats. you do not. women are raised to feel we have to do all kinds of emotional labor for other people. if he chooses suicide that is on him.

there are also larger issues here, like whether this man would make a good husband. could you count on him to get extra work while you have to stay home with a baby? do you think he would be a good dad?

personally i think you should put yourself first and dump this chump.

He actually does have a lot on his plate that he can’t control right now but at least he’s going to therapy to learn to manage his emotions. 
His surgery was postponed twice because of  covid and he can barely walk so can’t get another job until that’s done.
He’s stuck in a stressful commission one that he hates but is good at .. despite his problems, he gets up early and does the job so I have to be objective and commend the good stuff .. he’s trying.
He also studied to get better at his true passion that I helped him discover, so we can both see a light for him - and us - but he can’t use childish manipulative tactics in the meantime. He knows I’m a thread away from leaving so he can’t bottle up his grief then lash out at me 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He yelled out that I’m gonna make him wrap me around a pole the way my going and then covered up by saying he’ll take us both out. Basically calmed down but is trying to blame me for his anger.

If I’m reading this properly, he threatened your life and then blamed you. How did that not make you ask him to stop the car such that you could get out of the car to end it and walk home in that moment? 

There is no excuse for staying in an abusive relationship when your partner threatens physical harm - to himself and/or you. You are not doing him any favours if you stay. This is a bomb waiting to explode. Time to end it, now. 

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Suicide threats, even if they are "only" manipulation or symptoms of a personality disorder, are above your paygrade and even if they weren't you'd have to recuse yourself (being in a relationship).  An "active" suicide threat is a matter for first responders such as police, mental health emergency team, or paramedics.

You are not his therapist, nor should you be. I get the sense you may be stuck in a VERY bad relationship.

You mention being a fiancee - whatever else you do, suggest you DON'T marry this person and thus become legally tied to them and whatever negative stuff they decide to do next.

[d0nnivain]

On 7/19/2021 at 4:38 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

I’ll need to tell his therapist if I leave

So tell his therapist & leave.   

You can't be responsible for him.  You do what you can -- forewarn the professional -- but you gotta save yourself. 

[AlphaFemme99]

I’ve been getting upset over trivial things lately. I think waiting longer is fruitless and another part of me is finding it harder to leave. 

Things are marginally better and even though I’m the one giving the relationship counselling homework a push, he goes along with it. 

Having said that, I’m still not getting the basics of affection. Can anyone else who’s grieving give me a perspective? He’s still messed up after losing his dad he knocks himself out with painkillers to sleep. 

The last two Friday nights he fell asleep on the couch .. then Saturday too. So basically the nights where he doesn’t need to get up to work from home, I’m not even getting cuddles. 
he’s not going out so I don’t think it has anything to do with others  .. that’s probably one of the positives I can say about the relationship is that he’s not a cheat. But I’ve never been cheated on and I don’t think this should make up for other issues 

How long can one expect to give someone to grieve where the relationship is heavily impacted ?
I’m always the comforter but am human too and would like my man to hear my fears too - things are certainly not rosy even though I act strong and am not clinically depressed. Still would like comforting.
Also, surely grief can’t affect someone’s libido for many months ? 

He gets upset when men show interest on my social media (I don’t post raunchy pics, to be clear) and expects me to delete the men and all messages too, even though I don’t open the messages unless they’re from friends.

Yet he’s not even trying to hug me these days. Basically even after small arguments, I’m getting to the point of being resentful because everything has accumulated. 
Anyone have advice on living with a grieving partner? I’m at the last thread of keeping this relationship going, for those who have been following my journey. We’ve had some hurdles and c0vid restrictions have tripled them. 

My partner doesn’t want to let me go but it’s hard for me to see it working, even with the small improvements 

[Wiseman2]

Why is he addicted to painkillers?

[Crazelnut]

Leave. Stop posting and waffling and just leave. He is dangerous to you. 

[d0nnivain]

This relationship is broken.  You have no patience because the love is gone.  He has no affection because he's numb inside from all the pain he's carrying & not addressing; he has nothing left for you 

Your relationship is over in every way but you refuse to pull the trigger & put everyone out of your misery.  The longer you stay, the longer you will be trapped.  Yes change is scary.  It's not easy to be a source of pain for someone who you used to love but neither of you are happy & this won't get better.  Your relationship ran it's course.  

[IrinaM]

I get it that his dad died, but I don't think that's the problem here. You are trying to have a relationship with a drug-addicted, rage-filled, abusive loser. <--is the problem.

stop trying to make this happen! go live your own life! this loser has nothing to offer you, so cut him out of your life.

[glows]

You’re attached still, emotionally, even though you know it’s no longer sustainable. There’s no good time to break up. There really isn’t. It’s something you do for yourself or for each other because it’s no longer working. He needs help(more than you can provide with your presence in a relationship).