Ank Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 The last 3 months have been hell for me. In August, I found out from a friend that my husband had cheated on me - she didn't know details but she had a conversation with him in 2003 when he confessed that he was doing something wrong. This was when we were engaged - I was in Phily, he was in NY. She told me so many years later cos my husband had decided to move to India - and she freaked out. He had decided to move inspite of my telling him not to - we had alway had a long distance relationship and had been married and living together for only a year now. Anyways, confronted him and he denied absolutely everything - even dared me to call his friend to ask. Next day, he confesses a little - he made out once with this girl - that was it. I kep asking him to come clean - his story sounded suspicious. He asked for his job in NY back - then we talked, I asked him to tell me everything and he stuck to his story. So I said that I was mad but that if he still wanted to go - he could. I knew how much he wanted to leave since we had talked about it for a month and no amount of pleading/ rationalising would change his mind. When he left, I began to find out more. Over phone calls, his story started to change - first it was made out once, then twice and then finally it was 3 times. He came from India for a month - I kept asking for the truth - he stuck to his last version of the story. When he finally moved, I met with the girl (he knew I wanted to - but I guess he thought I wouldn't). We started dating in 1999. The girl tells me that they had met in 2000 (I knew this), they had hung out together and made out once. Then never saw each other again until he moved to NY in Dec 02. He had proposed to me a year back and I moved to PHily - hence his move to NY to be nearer me (we had been living in Asia before). So they met in Dec 02, slept together 2 weeks later. Stayed clean for a while, then fell back into it. - Drunken partying - sleep together. Celebrated Valentines day together (cos apparently neither had anything to do). This mess continued while he was seeing me, we were planning our wedding. Whenever I came to see him in NY (every other weekend), she was never around - I had never met her or heard of her. Again, a couple of months, they removed the physical aspect of their relationship - then fell back in July - this time it was intense. She was staying over etc....all the way up to our wedding in Dec 03. He had to meet her after the wedding to make sure she was ok!!... so now I am stuck. He says he always loved me - that he was caught up in a mess he didn't know how to get out of. He married me cos he always knew he would - that I was the one for him. He says he hasn't cheated on me since the marriage. Any thoughts??? Link to post Share on other sites
ANK Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 Its so hard right now - I don't know what to believe. And I don't know if I can trust him again - he's saying all the right things, half of me wants to start anew and the other rational side is asking myself what kind of guy is this? Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 ANK, Your situation sounds like mine alot! I don't see many people with this "problem" of marrying someone who they didn't know was cheating the whole time they were dating but now says they are faithful. I married my husband not knowing the 2 1/2 yrs we were dating that he was going out on me. Ours was also a long distance relationship (450 miles apart - in different states). My husband even went out on me 3 weeks before we married! That disgusted me so much that I refuse to even acknowledge our wedding anniversary. He also tells me that he has been faithful since being married. Believe me I know how hard it is to trust someone who has done this to you. I get the feeling that many times people tend to think if you aren't married then it really shouldn't "hurt" as bad. Hey you haven't said any vows yet is what alot think. That's the excuse my husband tried to use on me - that we weren't married so he could do what he wanted but now that we are married he will be faithful. I don't buy that bull because I think if you love someone whether married or dating/engaged, you don't cheat. He claims he wanted to quit but couldn't but now wants me to believe that since I found out what he was doing he quit. When I caught him, it was in checking a secret email account that he had and didn't tell me about. That's how I found out about his whole secret life without me. Like you, I wanted to believe all the things he was telling me now but I can't seem to do it. I've been to 4 counselors and I feel that I can never really trust him again. I mean he pulled off this cheating for 2 1/2 yrs! It's not like he went out once - figured it was wrong - then really felt remorseful for doing it. I can't see that my husband will change and I'm not holding my breath waiting. We are still together and he seems to want me to believe he's changed but I don't see how I can. He did go out on me 1 1/2 yrs into the relationship of which he told me about and said he was so sorry and he wanted me, blah, blah, blah. I loved him so I believed that he was truly sorry and wouldn't do it again but all that got me was a big broken heart when I found out that he was just saying the lines I wanted to hear but continued to cheat. I found out about my husband cheating on me almost 3 yrs ago and I'm still in pain over it I think because he is still around. Every word he speaks, I don't know whether it's the truth or not. Also part of me wanted to start anew and try to get past this but I really haven't been able to. Maybe you can, I know alot of people do get past infidelity/cheating and move on. Good luck SueBee Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 I found out about my husband cheating on me almost 3 yrs ago and I'm still in pain over it I think because he is still around. Every word he speaks, I don't know whether it's the truth or not. What infidelity brings is pain in the present, resentment towards the past (you don't even acknowledge your wedding anniversary), and distrust in the future. Is it possible to find peace, happiness, and love for your partner while burning in these bitter feelings? I know alot of people do get past infidelity/cheating and move on. You don't know how they feel inside. Read all the posts of betrayed women and you will see that all of them suffer for years after the afairs. Is any man worth that long-lasting drilling pain? Is a cheater worth it? Also part of me wanted to start anew and try to get past this but I really haven't been able to. You can only move on if you leave him. You said yourself: I'm still in pain over it I think because he is still around. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 Your need for trust is obviously not being met, whether he is still cheating or not. What needs of yours are being met that make you stay there in the marriage? What trade-offs are you making? Is it because you think you won't find another person who will meet your needs? I think you have a lot of questions to ask yourself. The best place to start is with a marriage counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 What infidelity brings is pain in the present, resentment towards the past (you don't even acknowledge your wedding anniversary), and distrust in the future. I couldn't have said it better myself! Is it possible to find peace, happiness, and love for your partner while burning in these bitter feelings? In my heart, I don't believe I can. Is any man worth that long-lasting drilling pain? Is a cheater worth it? I sometimes feel mad at myself for hanging onto this pain for so long and not letting it go. But something in me won't let me forget the enormous amount of heartache this man has caused me. I didn't know about his cheating and I thought our lives were good together SueBee Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 half of me wants to start anew and the other rational side is asking myself what kind of guy is this? I feel the same way. I really loved this guy and wanted to try to hold onto our marriage but then the rational side was saying "what kind of person would do this to another person?" I've asked myself do I really want this type of person around my kids? My kids' father passed away and so my present husband is all they've got in the role of a father. I really don't want his "morals" put onto my 12 yr old son. his story started to change - first it was made out once, then twice and then finally it was 3 times I heard this too. It's as though he couldn't control himself. He just couldn't helpt it that is was "his" choice to get on the computer, it was "his" choice to chat with these women, it was "his" choice to make dates with them, it was "his" choice to have dinner, go to a hotel, and have sex. Of course to hear him say it, you'd think he had no control of his life and what he was doing. ANK - I did hope that when people were telling me that things would get better, that they actually would, though at the time I was in such a daze, I couldn't imagine I'd ever be happy again. I guess it has gotten better in that I don't cry every day and I'm not so torn up in actually envisioning my future without him. Time does heal (in a way Just know that you have to do what is best for you. SueBee Link to post Share on other sites
Ank Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 Sue Bee - I don't understand - you are saying that he cheated on you again after marriage as well? Also, are there others with any advice - perhaps some men have some thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Sue Bee - I don't understand - you are saying that he cheated on you again after marriage as well? ANK - No - as far as I know he didn't cheat on me after we were married. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. My husband only cheated before we married and, like yours, claims he hasn't done anything since we've been married. But do I believe him? Like you, the trust issue is a big problem. Also like you, my husband claims to love me and want our marriage to work. He seems to think that since we weren't married, he could do what he wanted. Of course I asked him if I could have been dating other men while seeing him (without his knowledge of course) and that is a big NO from him. He claims he would have been hurt had I been cheating. So that tells me right there that the whole secrecy of the cheating was reason enough for him to believe it was wrong. Had he come to me and said he didn't want anything serious and that he would like to date me but also wanted to be able to date other women, at least I would have known where our relationship stood. But he lead me to believe I was the only one as he was the only man I was dating. By the time anyone gets engaged, that is the time to stop all the outside dating - at least in my book. But he didn't even after we were engaged. I would also like to hear from men on this. SueBee Link to post Share on other sites
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