Relationship advice

[Moo1252]

So I was worh someone for 10 years, we have 3 children together, we spilt up around 3 months ago and now he's with someone else, he comes to my house to see the kids and still treating it like he still lives here, falling asleep in my bed, just sat watching films with he kids on my bed, the relationship wasn't good towards the end and we both needed to change but didnt. Sometimes he's asking me why I couldn't just change when I had the chance, then he will say its to late im sorry,

Hes told me I still mean alot to him, he cares about me alot I'm his family, and he didn't want to break the family up but it was getting to much which I understand, but every few weeks where going through the same 'talk about us'
We do argue when he's here sometimes and he says stuff like this is why I don't wanna be with you & Sunday he told me whats the point him coming back when it's just arguing.
My head is so confused because I don't no what he is trying to do, like I have no hope he will come back and make it work I've already tried that approach and he will ignore it or say he asked us to change and I didn't blah, I just don't no what to do anymore! 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Moo1252 said:

he comes to my house to see the kids and still treating it like he still lives here, falling asleep in my bed, just sat watching films with he kids on my bed

Do not allow all this. Get court ordered child support on behalf of your children and get court ordered visitation.

Change your locks and delete and block him and all his people from social media.

Allow texting to arrange child visitation, but do not allow the visitation to be him camping out like a stray cat.

Let him pick up the kids and specific times/days with them.

 

[stillafool]

Why are you letting him spend time at your house?  I know you will say the kids but let him pick them up, spend time with them and drop them back off.  You sound like you want him back.  Right now he doesn't miss you because he can see you whenever he wants.  You need to let someone else be there for him to get the kids and go seeing as little of you as possible.  When he asks where you've been tell him it's none of his business.  Look good for you, be happy and cheerful and start doing fun stuff.  Stop arguing and discussing getting back together since he's with someone else.  Tell the kids do not discuss your private business with him.  This will drive him crazy, I promise and he will want you back.  When what you're doing isn't working you have to change your strategy.  Definitely do what Wiseman is suggesting too.

[chillii]

Hopefully you won't even need all this crazy court stuff,just talk to him , tell him stuff you've explained here. We're divorced 9 yrs you work together for the kids, use your brains. l understand him wanting to hang around there for them l did the same it's a more natural way and makes it just that bit easy for them. That's why we did it a few yrs,  for the kids .

In time they can start coming to his get use to that more but it's only been 3mths and they're very young too.  l think a good start though just for now as they're still coping with mum and dad splitting, it takes yrs.and it's heartbreaking , but just talk to him. And you don't want them around a new partner yet either no way known. Talk to him though about staying too long , falling asleep on your bed , use the kids room and one of their beds even put a tv in one of theirs. And about any other things that aren't working for you.

And tell him you don't want these relationship or personal talks anymore , they aren't getting anywhere his minds made up so there's no point. And at the same time over the next12mths he can start taking one or all of them over to his a little , bit by bit , see how that goes. Kick the partner out while the kids are there.

We've had a very open and easy thing right through and just talked about anything and used our brains , that's all you need to do. And our kids are in a far far far better place than any others we know where idiot parents have dragged the poor things through all their own crap. They're the fools that need courts bc they're less matured than their poor kids . Def' just try working it out first.

[Fletch Lives]

When they are flakey like that it can be very confusing, that's for sure. But the flaky behavior means it's over. 

[SumGuy]

On 7/17/2021 at 1:49 PM, Moo1252 said:

... I just don't no what to do anymore! 

First and foremost, do what is best for the kids and put aside your dislike and contention with each other (both of you).

Also some boundaries perhaps, he shouldn't be sleeping over in your bed if it is over.  I wouldn't say to make it uncomfortable there as it was his home (though no longer) but more importantly on how the kids feel about it, they still need to feel comfortable with him in their home (their home, not his anymore and not just yours). 

If watching TV on your bed with the kids is a thing that was done before then wouldn't necessarily end it without thinking about it, but may transition it to another room...make it "fun" for the kids like have food/snacks so do that in the living room; then after a time that becomes the norm.

The relationship didn't work between the two of you, but there is still the kids and their relationship to you both.  I'd suggest that you and he (if possible) have a talk about how you can till be there for the kids and amiable when together in front of them (obviously this talk cannot be had where the kids can hear).

In short, the kids don't just need to hear but also live and see when you two are together, the mommy and daddy may not be together anymore but they both love them (the kids) and share that love for them.  Out of love for your kids a respectful interaction (and hopefully caring to an extent) between the two of you is the best.  If there are differences on how to raise the kids...kind of your house your rules.  This would be part of the discussion of how he behaves and how he supports you when in your house, and vice versa.  Good if you can first agree to some common goals for the kids, some agreement in principal before getting to the details of how he behaves...given the details have the danger to get contentious or make him defensive and reignite old arguments.

As inspiration for the both of you, how you two model this split up, how you treat each other could well be the model you kids take into their relationships.   Often times people can overcome their natural tendencies to re-fight the break up, to not let go hurts, when they are doing if for the children, love of our children can motivate us to be our best selves.  

I know it is not easy, this is one of the messiest parts of divorce/separation. Where I live it is so prone to cause trouble there are court mandated classes you need to take on how to get along post-divorce.