JDam Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 (edited) Guys, I need advice. Me and my ex broke up 6 (!) years ago (he broke up with me - It was my first relationship and I was mean to him at time, and at the same time I think the spark just faded away and I also think he might have liked someone else). We met a year after the break up - went to this wine place, it was amazing, but it all ended up in an argument because I wanted to meet again and he accused me of wanting to get back together while all he wanted was to catch up. I told him to never contact me ever again. Then he dtarted dating someone else but she broke up with him about 8 months ago. He then initiated contact with me, it all satrted really slow… we texted like once a month, then like twice a month etc. He suggested that we meet up. And we did (after 5 years) and it was just amazing. To me it seemed as if there was no breakup at all, we just could not stop talking, there was totally this chemistry between the two of us. We then met at a party two days after that and again it was just a-m-a-z-i-n-g. Long story short, I went to his place and we had sex. It felt as if there had been no break up at all, he was super nice to me. We did not talk about “us” and the situation. All I said was something like: isnt this a mistake? And he said it feels like being on an edge of an abyss :)) well, he texted me what he was doing the next days and then reacted like three time in a week to my IG stories. Yet he did not ask for a second date. So it was me who asked if he would like to go to a sauna (as a reaction to an IG story). He said “sure, you will show me this place” (because I love saunas). Well, we eventually did not meet up yesterday, so we rescheduled after he comes back from vacation (after 2 weeks). I dont know what to make out of this? What do you think? Edited January 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator typo in title Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 I'd be careful here, OP. Chemistry isn't enough to carry a relationship. It feels good in the moment, sure, but it's fleeting. What you will really need to reflect on is whether or not you two have the same future goals, the same values, have learned from your previous relationship together, and so on. I would see if the rescheduled date goes through or not first. If so, then it would be a good idea to clarify what you each feel about reconnecting, and whether you would be interesting in exploring a reconciliation. If he waffles or is vague, then you will know not to bother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted June 28, 2021 Author Share Posted June 28, 2021 You are right. I DO want to get back with him as I realize I made just terrible mistakes and was pointlessly mean to him in the relationship. I then dated two guys and was extremely nice to then which partly was the reason why they broke up with me (I was just too nice and invested a lot). i realized he was the one that got away. I dont want to make it seem like it was all my fault and that I was just a horrible girlfriend, I wasnt, but I realize it might have lasted had I behaved better. I always try to put myself in other peoples shoes. So I ask myself why would I do this? I mean, if I wanted to get back, I would be more active, on the other hand, if I did NOT want to get back, I would not sleep with that other person (especially with my ex with whom I had an argument years ago and accused her of wanting to get back), I would not text her and would not answer “sure, lets meet, at least you will show me that place” when she asks about a sauna date. I would not agree to a sauna date with an ex I do not want to be with. So I dont know, Im just confused.. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, JDam said: I always try to put myself in other peoples shoes. So I ask myself why would I do this? I mean, if I wanted to get back, I would be more active, on the other hand, if I did NOT want to get back, I would not sleep with that other person (especially with my ex with whom I had an argument years ago and accused her of wanting to get back), I would not text her and would not answer “sure, lets meet, at least you will show me that place” when she asks about a sauna date. I would not agree to a sauna date with an ex I do not want to be with. So I dont know, Im just confused.. That isn't putting yourself in the other person's shoes, though. That's applying your own thought process to someone else. Yes, you would do this or that. That does not mean someone else would. You're assuming he thinks the same way you do. He might not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted June 28, 2021 Author Share Posted June 28, 2021 Yeah, but from certain behavior you can really assume what one is thinking. Like since he himself did not ask me out, Im assuming he is not really into me afterall Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 Each time you wrote some version of "it was like the break up never happened" I cringed. It read like pie in the sky fantasy & you two just glossed over whatever broke you up besides that fact that this was your 1st relationship & you were young. You need a more realistic view of things. 6 years later you are not the same people you were way back then. You need to take that into account. There is more to love then chemistry. It takes work to hold a good relationship together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted June 28, 2021 Author Share Posted June 28, 2021 Ugh, I was jist describing what it felt like, nothing more, no need to be this harsh towards me… 6 years is a long time, but deep down I dont think people change all that much… Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 2 hours ago, JDam said: Like since he himself did not ask me out, Im assuming he is not really into me afterall That part I agree with, yes. It seems like he had fun but perhaps that's where it starts and finishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 (edited) Hi guys, I met up with my ex (whom I had not talked to over 6 years) last month and it was amazing. We then met a few days after that at a birthday party and then hung out… again, it was amazing, we had so much to talk about. We ended up at his place and cuddled and eventually had sex. We kept in touch, exchanged texts here and there. I asked him if he wanted to join me at my favorite sauna place sometime. He said sure, but at that time he had some holiday plans so after he got back he asked if we are going to go to the sauna. Would you consider this to be a date? Edited July 17, 2021 by JDam Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 25 minutes ago, JDam said: after he got back he asked if we are going to go to the sauna. Do you want it to be a date? Did he agree to go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 I do want it to be a date. Yes, he did agree to go, but he was busy at the time when I initially asked (it was not an excuse, he was out of the country). I thought I would not be asking him again, I wanted him to ask and he did. However, I really dont know how he perceives it… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 32 minutes ago, JDam said: I met up with my ex (whom I had not talked to over 6 years) last month and it was amazing. How did it come about that you came back in touch after all this time? Enjoy the date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted July 17, 2021 Author Share Posted July 17, 2021 Well, he was in a relationship for about 4 years and she broke up with him about a year ago. He sent me best wishes for 2021 on New Years Eve and we then texted here and then between January and May before we actually met thank you! I know it will be great, I just hope we are on the same page, but Im not really sure… we dated for over 2 years and I still view him as my soul mate and best relationship I had. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 Who broke up with who and why back when you were together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted July 18, 2021 Author Share Posted July 18, 2021 (edited) He broke up with me. The truth is that I did not treat him well at times. We did love each other a lot though. But it was my first relationship and I simply did not know where my limits were. He gave me a lot of love and so I thought I could “afford” to be jealous, rude and moody. I was a good and loving gf, but I do realize I made these mistakes which contributed to him leaving me eventually. Besides the fact that I think that he lost feelings as well… Edited July 18, 2021 by JDam Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 (edited) Given that you'd just had sex with him, I suspect he could see it as leading to an ex with benefits situation. If you're not open to simply hooking up with him, you may want to have a conversation about what you and he are looking for. Edited July 18, 2021 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 It probably won't go anywhere, sorry to say. People don't change from a romantic standpoint, the same issues will still be there. I'd talk to a new guy. You need to start with a clean slate. This is not TV land. You get one shot at love with a person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 (edited) You have to do this by feel. I will say this: just because you had a good time and had sex doesn't mean you guys should get back together. Restarting a relationship can have its own honeymoon phase just like the initial start of a relationship. You guys are hanging out, being at your best. Comfortable with each other physically. Doesn't mean you'd enjoy a full day with him or him with you or that he has moved past his hard feelings about what you describe as your immature behavior. One of you needs to bring up the question of what you are doing. Might as well be you. You're going to be disappointed if he is not interested anyway. So whether you learn that through an ask or through passive-aggressive distance on his part, the disappointment is all the same. OK here's a medium step: you guys need to have a conversation about why things would be better now. Sounds like you might want to initiate that. But quit thinking this is all in his hands. Since you guys have seen each other again, did either of you, say "I miss you"? I think a mutual exchange of "I miss you" is often a sign that both parties are interested in reconciling. But step up and speak up. You should also know that sometimes exes do have flings (with each other) without reconciling. Edited July 23, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted July 27, 2021 Author Share Posted July 27, 2021 Thank you all! Well, we went to this sauna place and man… it was such a beautiful, well spent time together. We kissed, hugged etc., had a great time. However, after the sauna, he wanted to drive me to my place. I was like: where are we going? And he said: well, Im not gonna drop you somewhere and tell you to go home on your own. And Im like: well, I thought we could get a drink or something? He seemed to be really surprised, but said ok, I would like to get some beer. I was quite confused, he said he would be happy to get a drink but I was not so sure about his willingness to go, even though he said he would love to. So we drove to this restaurant, had a beer and headed to his place. And again had sex which was just out of this world, just absolutely amazing. During the meeting we already agreed we would go to this other favorite place of mine and maybe a burger place but did not agree on a specific date. So the next day I texted him and asked how his day was and that I really liked our time together. To which he replied that he went to sleep super early (we barely slept) but that it was all worth it. I said: well, then I hope we will see each other sooner than in a month (we saw each other now after a month after the previous meeting because he was out of the country and then I was busy). He said: well, if you are not busy again and I said: I hope you dont wish that Im busy . And he said he counts on our meeting at my favorite place. And I said: and dinner? And he said Im not resisting anything it is all hard to translate into English so it does not lose its meaning, sorry guys. Its simílar to “Im open to anything”. i really dont know. Maybe he is taking it too slow or maybe he just does not want to hurt my feelings like he did 5 years ago when we met up (he initiated it) and after I asked if we would meet again he was really cold and said he did not believe in reconciliation. But that was 5 years ago and I think he was starting a new relationship with this girl who broke up with him after 4 years. thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Donnas Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Why give him the milk and you don't even know where this is going.... Beside its a ex for a reason. Doesn't sound like a date but just spending time together. Next time ask right away, is this a date? Or are you inviting me to a date? So you know before going what he is up to. Also when you meet him now ask where is this going. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted July 31, 2021 Author Share Posted July 31, 2021 Thank you. Well, Im just weird if this is not considered a date. I mean, we did exactly what a couple would do, so “just spending time together” is just really weird to me. anyway, the truth is that he has not texted me since Tuesday… i really dont know what to make of this. Maybe I should just get rid of all venues that he might use to possibly reach out to me. Im just so emotionally exhausted from this Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 I think he enjoyed his time with you (especially the sex) but like he said before when you broke up he doesn't believe in reconciliation as in getting back together. I think he doesn't mind sex when available but doesn't want to give you hope that this is leading to more. You should stop having sex with him because your feelings seem to be beyond just FWB and that seems the way he's looking at this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 Thank you. We will see each other for a dinner next week so I think I will just tell him about my feelings to see how he views this situation… Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) @JDammy advice is stop pushing and allow it to play out the way it's meant to. I understand you're excited and anxious but try to manage your anxiety such that you're not chasing him or pushing, in other words stop texting and initiating things so much/ It's been SIX years, give him a opportunity to absorb what's happening, including his emotions and decide what he wants to happen. Give him time and room to breathe, and to wonder about you a bit, and miss you. I would NOT "spill your feels" on your next date. Again, let him wonder a bit. Let him ask YOU how you feel about him! Or let him tell you how HE feels. Be warm, open and receptive. Basically, stop trying to force things, all that will accomplish is him feeling pressured to make something happen to soothe your anxiety before HE even knows what he wants to happen. Kiss of death, you will lose him. Try and relax! Enjoy the process of reconnecting. Have fun! I will never understand why folks are in such a rush, and who cares what it's called? A date, a hang out, two people attracted to each other spending time together, does it matter? Try and get rid of arbitrary labels and simply enjoy the process! You will lose him otherwise. ❤️ Edited August 2, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JDam Posted August 2, 2021 Author Share Posted August 2, 2021 (edited) Thank you for your beautiful post @poppy. Well, I should have read that earlier. We went for a dinner today and I wanted to have this conversation and I totally spilled the beans. Im just that type of person who wants to know where things stand. I hate to lose my time. I apologized for how I behaved when we were together. He said he enjoys our time, there certainly is a attraction but he is afraid that Im jumping into the situation as we had not been 6 years apart and that scares him. Honestly, I think its just an excuse. He simply is not interested. He said Im forcing him to take a stand. Well, sorry, I just dont want to waste my time. I left his place and took a taxi home. I think that its over once and for all Edited August 2, 2021 by JDam Link to post Share on other sites
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