Is it a date or just hanging out?

[basil67]

Good for you @JDam.    You've just saved yourself a whole lot of wasted time and emotions.  

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Good for you @JDam.    You've just saved yourself a whole lot of wasted time and emotions.  

I really don't agree with that because had she RELAXED and simply enjoyed the process of reconnecting and allowed everything to play out naturally and organically with NO pushing, there is every reason to believe he would not have felt "forced to take a stand," (his exact words) and would instead have felt happy and excited to continue the journey with her.... to see where it would lead.

@JDamyour response this is just YOU and you don't like to "waste time" is the mindset of many women who choose to push and force something versus relaxing and allowing it to play out naturally.

The result being the man feels pressured by your imo unrealistic expectations and will dump you OR you will do the dumping as a sort of preemptive strike to alleviate your anxiety and avoid the possibility of getting hurt.

Anyway, I am sorry things didn't work out. 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

I hope the poster ( @Love Yourself First) doesn't mind but he wrote these words in another thread that are pertinent here also, imo.

"Build your confidence so you don't need assurances and you feel good about trusting somebody, you gotta be able to trust yourself and love yourself before you can truly enjoy the people in your life, otherwise we can often chase them away or even sabotage ourselves because we dont feel worth."

Beautifully said.

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I really don't agree with that because had she RELAXED and simply enjoyed the process of reconnecting and allowed everything to play out naturally and organically with NO pushing, there is every reason to believe he would not have felt "forced to take a stand," (his exact words) and would instead have felt happy and excited to continue the journey with her.... to see where it would lead.

Or she could have wasted a whole lot of time with him.   By her description of his surprise at her suggesting dating things, I'd wager that dating was not part of the agenda. 

Either way, it's done now.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Or she could have wasted a whole lot of time with him.   By her description of his surprise at her suggesting dating things, I'd wager that dating was not part of the agenda. 

Either way, it's done now.

Well yeah it's a risk, but dating is a risk, relationships are a risk, life is a risk.  

If one isn't willing to take that risk and preemptively dump when they feel anxious or fearful, what's the point?

This man told her he "feels forced to take a stand," I saw that coming a mile away!

Anyway, you're right it's done now which is a shame really because she liked him and it appeared he liked her but felt pushed and forced which no one likes to feel, including myself and I have felt that way many times when men attempt to force something with me before we've spent enough time together to know what I want.

OR what he even wants; the only reason he's forcing it is because he feels anxious and insecure and that is no way to begin a healthy relationship.

Oh well.

Edited August 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

@poppyfields  I respect your opinion, but please don't use it to try and negate mine.   When I want your opinion my view, I will ask for it.  

[glows]

What's done is done and good of you to leave if you felt uncomfortable after the previous meeting. This isn't a regular scenario where two people/strangers meet not knowing one another very well, starting out fresh with little to no attachment. You're going into this very attached with someone you've dated previously and unfortunately it didn't work out because he wasn't on the same page at that same moment you were. 

You mentioned you were moody or didn't treat him very well before. He may be remembering that also and unsure of how you'll react after having sex. I don't think you did anything wrong but you have to recognize in some scope that your expectations were quite high given that he's an ex come out of nowhere all of a sudden, with a lot of rekindled emotions that are quite strong for you. You acted in your best interests and I think this is for the best. I'm a firm believer that if someone lets you go once, they don't get to have you a second time. 

[JDam]

Thank you guys. Well, this is just my point of view, but I just do not believe in playing hard to get etc. Or its just not for me, it just sucks my energy. I believe that deep down, especially if we do know each other and its not like we just met on a dating app and Im forcing him to tell me we are dating… he must know that what his intentions are. I think his argument about being scared because “you are jumping into R right after Q (meaning Im somehow ignoring the past 6 years and Im acting like its 2015 all over again), while if anything he would want it to be from A, like staring from anew”. Im saying that of course this would not be like that, I did not even think about it like that. I said that for me its just simple: I like you, I love our time together, both the conversation and the sex, so Im asking where this is going. Im not asking to get back together now, but I do want to know if you see a potential there.” To which he said Im just forcing him. Well, I just dont agree - I think he just did not want to say no into my face because he just hates “conflicts”. 
 

Also, I think he might have used me to boost his hurt ego because his ex dumped him a year ago. And while he complained she was awful to him, humiliated him and did not want to have sex with. Now there I was being sweet and nice. While at the same time wanting to protect my sanity and wanting to avoing the same situation I had been in previously (guys not know what they want, not knowing if they want to commit or not), and its just exhausting for me. I think its just fair to know and I think I did nothing wrong.

also, I was extremely vulnerable when I told him that the guys in the other two relationships really hurt me and I realized what I had in him, that he was the one who got away. The first one was really moody and rude to me, the next one told me on Christmas Eve that he is getting back with his ex. So being mean to him and being jealous of his ex for absolutely no reason at all came back to bait me. He said he totally appreciates what Im saying and that its really important to him. 

but guys please dont think I was somw crazy moody girlfriend. I had some bad moments, but I think Im probably beating myself up. 

 

 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, JDam said:

I think its just fair to know and I think I did nothing wrong.

I agree. You seem like a very honest, self-aware and open communicator. He is not. There's a mismatch there, regardless of differing intentions or interests. I think you should find someone more evenly matched to you. You deserve that.

 

[JDam]

Thank you! Honestly, its a relief. I just cant stand the obsessive thoughts about where this is going. And I know some people would say Im pushy, but to that Im saying Im just protecting myself and my sanity. I had been in this situation before. I have to put myself first as well. Im actually proud of myself for being this open and really vulnerable. I mean, I had nothing to gain from telling him about how I felt about the last 6 years. I cried when I said “despite that I had two other “relationships”, I would never know what being loved feels like if I had not met you”.  To which he said he really appreciates hearing this. But he was really uncomfortable when I wanted to know if we could perhaps meet up sometime and see where this is going. He said Im pushing him to dating. I did not, I just wanted to know where we stand. So I guess its all over now.

[glows]

1 hour ago, JDam said:

Thank you! Honestly, its a relief. I just cant stand the obsessive thoughts about where this is going. And I know some people would say Im pushy, but to that Im saying Im just protecting myself and my sanity. I had been in this situation before. I have to put myself first as well. Im actually proud of myself for being this open and really vulnerable. I mean, I had nothing to gain from telling him about how I felt about the last 6 years. I cried when I said “despite that I had two other “relationships”, I would never know what being loved feels like if I had not met you”.  To which he said he really appreciates hearing this. But he was really uncomfortable when I wanted to know if we could perhaps meet up sometime and see where this is going. He said Im pushing him to dating. I did not, I just wanted to know where we stand. So I guess its all over now.

Deep breaths and let this panicky feeling pass. It will pass. You put yourself out there and it didn’t work. It’s bound to sting. 

When you told him about your other relationships he could have felt overwhelmed or there was too much pressure. You were sharing something personal. Someone who reciprocates that intensity would have exchanged the same views or shared a similar sentiment. I don’t believe he was prepared to hear what you said and May never be. When the dust has settled a little, all this may seem clearer to you. If it’s over think of one door closing but another opening. Stay open to new experiences and move on from this. 

[JDam]

He said he really appreciated what I had to say. He shared really intimate things about his past relationship, including that he felt like trash as a man because she did not want to sleep with him. 
 

i wonder what will happen next. I think he will get back to me after some time and say he gave it a thought but that he does not feel what we were doing was right. I think he will say that he is always open to a friendly conversation and would be sorry if he did not hear from me for another 6 years again. The result will be the same - he does not see us as a couple. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, JDam said:

  I just dont want to waste my time. I left his place and took a taxi home. I think that its over once and for all

You did the right thing getting clarification. Now you have closure and can move forward in peace.

[JDam]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did the right thing getting clarification. Now you have closure and can move forward in peace.

Thank you! I hope so, even though Im feeling awful right now  

[Alpacalia]

There's an old saying, “put your own oxygen mask on first.”

👍

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I really don't agree with that because had she RELAXED and simply enjoyed the process of reconnecting and allowed everything to play out naturally and organically with NO pushing, there is every reason to believe he would not have felt "forced to take a stand," (his exact words) and would instead have felt happy and excited to continue the journey with her.... to see where it would lead.

@JDamyour response this is just YOU and you don't like to "waste time" is the mindset of many women who choose to push and force something versus relaxing and allowing it to play out naturally.

But not everybody is wired to let things play out naturally where sex is involved. 

To give you an example, if I were to reconnect with an ex, I wouldn't want to drift back into intimacy without at least some reassurance that it wasn't just a friends with benefits situation for him. If I tried to go with the flow as you suggest, things wouldn't progress between me and him because I wouldn't be able to relax enough to trust him.

So I think what you suggest may work for some people but not for others. Alternatively, it may work if two people are not having sex.

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, JDam said:

Thank you! I hope so, even though Im feeling awful right now  

You'll be okay, @JDam. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. It will eventually pass.

[Alpacalia]

Going with the flow can be good when you’re both traveling in the same direction.

But when you're stuck in the middle of a gray zone, you have to draw a line somewhere and decide how much gray you're prepared to tolerate.

It normally happens around this time:

On 7/31/2021 at 10:30 AM, JDam said:

Im just so emotionally exhausted from this

 

[JDam]

Im feeling so terrible right now. To make things worse, I also broke up with my best friend yesterday who told me “well, Im feeling pressured sometimes as well, I have been thinking about telling you”.  She never ever said anything of that sort to me and I have absolutely no idea what she meant. So even my best friend told me she is not feeling well in my presence. Could not have picked a better day to tell me this. 
 

thank you all so much for the support!

Edited August 4, 2021 by JDam

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, JDam said:

 my best friend yesterday who told me “well, Im feeling pressured sometimes as well, I have been thinking about telling you”.  

That's ok. It will blow over. Just give her space.

Perhaps it's a symptom that the negativity from bad situationships, spills over too much and overwhelms those around you.

It may be a good idea to see a physician about your mental and physical health and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You could unpack and sort out some issues and get advice about coping skills so you can adapt to life's changes and disappointments in a more resilient manner.

It's not about what life throws at you, it's about how to best handle it.

[glows]

22 minutes ago, JDam said:

Im feeling so terrible right now. To make things worse, I also broke up with my best friend yesterday who told me “well, Im feeling pressured sometimes as well, I have been thinking about telling you”.  She never ever said anything of that sort to me and I have absolutely no idea what she meant. So even my best friend told me she is not feeling well in my presence. Could not have picked a better day to tell me this. 
 

thank you all so much for the support!

That's a good friend though. It's someone who can tell you when they're not feeling well in your presence, not just disappear, for instance, or worse gossip about you behind your back with others. It gives you a chance to reflect for a bit even though it stings and refocus. Why do you say she "broke up" with you? She may just need some time and is waiting for you to be more in tune with what's going on in her life too. 

[JDam]

Well, she has done that to me before. When we went abroad where We had an argument because I could not find the hotel where we were supposed to sleep, she acted like a spoiled brat, did not want to help me find it, was annoyed because she was hungry and wanted to sleep. So she was pissed that I told her she acts like a spoiled kid. She is 5 years younger. Then, in order not to ruin the whole vacation, I apologized even though I think she made a mistake. Then the whole vacation she kept texting, at a dinner, just pretty much anywhere which just annoys me. We had to keep looking for a place where she could charge her phone etc. Then it was my 30s birthday after we retuened and she just ghosted me and stopped talking to me after the vacation, did not show up to me birthday. Even though after the first argument we did not argue during the vacation at all and it was really nice. But I did tell her that at time I felt she was fed up with me for some reason which was unknown to me. She just ghosted me back then. So really this is not the first time she is acting odd. She perhaps does not have enough social intelligence and definitely cannot communicate her needs at all. I mean, Im 33, I say it when I do not like something. The older I am, the less patience I have with these situations. Im starting to be more careful and try to keep close only the ones that do not exhaus me emotionally. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by JDam

[glows]

2 minutes ago, JDam said:

The older I am, the less patience I have with these situations. Im starting to be more careful and try to keep close only the ones that do not exhaus me emotionally. 

Yes, be more selective about your company. There's always a bit of growing pains when we outgrow certain friends. That is ok. If she doesn't have the patience for you, that's fine. You'll make other friends along the way. Having a good filter with people in general is not a bad thing.

[poppyfields]

@JDammy advice is look within and determine why you are unable to relax in relationships (even friendships), why you feel anxious and why you allow that anxiety to drive your ship.

If you know you feel anxious after early undefined sexual intimacy, then take care of yourself emotionally and do not have sex until you've spent more time together and feel emotionally safe.

I dont think it's fair to agree to early undefined sex after which you become anxious, and proceed to seek reassurance by pushing/forcing a man into a situation he may not be ready for quite yet (rightfully so imo) to alleviate your anxiety and insecurity.

You will never be able to develop a healthy successful connection /relationship by doing that. 

This man told you he felt pressured and forced, he was honest with you.  

Instead of respecting his feelings, and learning ways to alleviate anxiety such as yoga and meditating for example, you drew a line the sand, blamed HIM for not acquiescing to what you wanted, which imo was unreasonable given you had just reconnected after six years apart, and dumped! 

Claiming you dont want to "waste time."

Again you will never be able to connect and have a successful relationship with that attitude, I'm sorry. 

Now it seems your friend feels pressured by you as well.

This is the time to quietly sit with yourself and self-assess. Stop blaming others, you are the common denominator.

You made the choice to have sex with this man, without exclusivity and without it being defined.  

It's not his fault you felt anxious afterwards, was it?  That's on you. 

In closing, since you know this about yourself, hold off on being sexually intimate, thus allowing a relationship to build slowly and organically. 

Pushing and forcing serves absolutely no purpose except driving what might be a good man away, as what happened here, sadly because there might have been something good there had you relaxed and allowed it to build slowly and organically.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

On 8/3/2021 at 11:40 AM, basil67 said:

Or she could have wasted a whole lot of time with him.   By her description of his surprise at her suggesting dating things, I'd wager that dating was not part of the agenda. 

Either way, it's done now.

 

Same here , and back to someones house and bed each time , was pretty well the agenda until it wasn't anymore l'd say. Sorry op , not that he didn't enjoy seeing you again and especially sleeping with you , but l don't think it was going anywhere.