Is it a date or just hanging out?

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Pushing and forcing serves absolutely no purpose except driving what might be a good man away, as what happened here, sadly because there might have been something good there had you relaxed and allowed it to build slowly and organically.

OR not but you never even gave it a chance... you just dumped.

I know I'm in the minority but I find that sad, since you liked him and it did appear at least at first he liked you too. 

Anyway, I'm sorry things didn't work out, with your friend as well.

Edited August 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[JDam]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@JDammy advice is look within and determine why you are unable to relax in relationships (even friendships), why you feel anxious and why you allow that anxiety to drive your ship.

If you know you feel anxious after early undefined sexual intimacy, then take care of yourself emotionally and do not have sex until you've spent more time together and feel emotionally safe.

I dont think it's fair to agree to early undefined sex after which you become anxious, and proceed to seek reassurance by pushing/forcing a man into a situation he may not be ready for quite yet (rightfully so imo) to alleviate your anxiety and insecurity.

You will never be able to develop a healthy successful connection /relationship by doing that. 

This man told you he felt pressured and forced, he was honest with you.  

Instead of respecting his feelings, and learning ways to alleviate anxiety such as yoga and meditating for example, you drew a line the sand, blamed HIM for not acquiescing to what you wanted, which imo was unreasonable given you had just reconnected after six years apart, and dumped! 

Claiming you dont want to "waste time."

Again you will never be able to connect and have a successful relationship with that attitude, I'm sorry. 

Now it seems your friend feels pressured by you as well.

This is the time to quietly sit with yourself and self-assess. Stop blaming others, you are the common denominator.

You made the choice to have sex with this man, without exclusivity and without it being defined.  

It's not his fault you felt anxious afterwards, was it?  That's on you. 

In closing, since you know this about yourself, hold off on being sexually intimate, thus allowing a relationship to build slowly and organically. 

Pushing and forcing serves absolutely no purpose except driving what might be a good man away, as what happened here, sadly because there might have been something good there had you relaxed and allowed it to build slowly and organically.

 

 

 

 

Thank you but I respectufully disagree with you. Its beginning to settle in and I think he is the one who is insecure. He actually said it himself that he lost confidence after his ex dumped him “all of a sudden” 10 months ago. He said she did not want to sleep with him basically for over a year or two. He said they were like roomates and not a couple. He said she humiliated him as a man and that she is actually insecure, which is why she humiliates people. His talk about her was not nice at all. Yet I told him that its a shame he is talking about her like that because otherwise WHY did he date her for over 4 years. I said his perception is likely to change over time. The time they spent together must have been worthwhile. Its just ridiculous to say HE should have dumped her because the relationship did not work (its like “you cant fire me, I quit!!!”), while at the same time claim that the breakup was a surprise for him. In short, I think I was used for ego boost so that he “felt like a man” after all this time he felt sexually unwanted. He has not processed the breakup AT ALL and was really bitter about it. 

Im glad I took the high road and did not bad mouth my exes, I said what our problems were, but did not forget to mention they are good people and we were simply not a good match for various reasons.

From what I know about him, the problem is not that he was pushed, but that he is simply not interested and did not want to tell me which in my opinion makes him a coward. He has done the very same thing to me 5 years ago when we met up (he initiated it) a year after the breakup and he accused me, after I asked if he wanted to hang out again, that I went to see him for the purpose of getting back together. I was really offended and told him to never reach out to me ever again because he made me look stupid.

i insist that what I did was right and it was reasonable to ask where this was going as his signals were mixed.

concerning my “friend”, as mentioned earlier, she has serious issues of her own. And thats it for me.

Thank you for the suggestion about yoga,  I have tried it before, but I did not enjoy this sport. 

[JDam]

23 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Same here , and back to someones house and bed each time , was pretty well the agenda until it wasn't anymore l'd say. Sorry op , not that he didn't enjoy seeing you again and especially sleeping with you , but l don't think it was going anywhere.

You are right, it wasnt. He used me as an ego boost and I was stupid enough to sleep with him. But I wont beat myself up, Im human, he was my first bf and especially after the two previous relationship I was putting him on a piedestal and held him in high regard. Maybe this experience will finally contribute to viewing him more objectively. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, JDam said:

Thank you but I respectufully disagree with you. Its beginning to settle in and I think he is the one who is insecure. He actually said it himself that he lost confidence after his ex dumped him “all of a sudden” 10 months ago. He said she did not want to sleep with him basically for over a year or two. He said they were like roomates and not a couple. He said she humiliated him as a man and that she is actually insecure, which is why she humiliates people. His talk about her was not nice at all. Yet I told him that its a shame he is talking about her like that because otherwise WHY did he date her for over 4 years. I said his perception is likely to change over time. The time they spent together must have been worthwhile. Its just ridiculous to say HE should have dumped her because the relationship did not work (its like “you cant fire me, I quit!!!”), while at the same time claim that the breakup was a surprise for him. In short, I think I was used for ego boost so that he “felt like a man” after all this time he felt sexually unwanted. He has not processed the breakup AT ALL and was really bitter about it. 

Im glad I took the high road and did not bad mouth my exes, I said what our problems were, but did not forget to mention they are good people and we were simply not a good match for various reasons.

From what I know about him, the problem is not that he was pushed, but that he is simply not interested and did not want to tell me which in my opinion makes him a coward. He has done the very same thing to me 5 years ago when we met up (he initiated it) a year after the breakup and he accused me, after I asked if he wanted to hang out again, that I went to see him for the purpose of getting back together. I was really offended and told him to never reach out to me ever again because he made me look stupid.

i insist that what I did was right and it was reasonable to ask where this was going as his signals were mixed.

concerning my “friend”, as mentioned earlier, she has serious issues of her own. And thats it for me.

Thank you for the suggestion about yoga,  I have tried it before, but I did not enjoy this sport. 

Fair enough, thank you for clarifying.

I'm still sorry things didn't work out though, and wish you the best moving forward.  

Hope you feel better soon.  

Hugs.

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[JDam]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough, thank you for clarifying.

I'm still sorry things didn't work out though, and wish you the best moving forward.  

Hope you feel better soon.  

Hugs.

 

Thank you so much! ❤️

[JDam]

On 6/28/2021 at 8:26 PM, d0nnivain said:

Each time you wrote some version of "it was like the break up never happened" I cringed.   It read like pie in the sky fantasy & you two just glossed over whatever broke you up besides that fact that this was your 1st relationship & you were young. 

You need a more realistic view of things.  6 years later you are not the same people you were way back then.  You need to take that into account.  

There is more to love then chemistry.  It takes work to hold a good relationship together.  

@d0nnivainthis is so weird. It is still fresh and Im thinking about it, so Im going through what I wrote. I have to say that you were right because after we met for third time, I wanted clarification about what was going on and he said he had mixed feelings. One one hand it was amazing, we had a connection, there was all this chemistry, passion and amazing conversation, but on the other hand he said he felt as if I acted that the breakup never happened, meaning I was acting as if we were dating. I remeber describing it to my friend that the time spent together felt like during the first 3 months of a new relationship. Oh well, I see now where he was coming from. I acted like that probably subconsciously and did not realize that  And this is what pushed him away.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Sorry to hear things did not work out.  
Just learn that you should never go backwards.   
Each relationship is a learning process and stepping stone to the next. And eventually we will find that one person who will stick with us through thick and thin if we are lucky.  If not that is ok too as each relationship has taught us lessons and enriched our lives in some way.  

[JDam]

So he is ignoring me completely now  did not even wish me a happy birthday yesterday even though he knows for sure. Im feeling so bad for getting this kind of silent treatment. I told him some really nice things about how I felt about the relationship and we did not exactly part ways on bad terms. I was annoyed when he got irritated if we would see each other again (said ok then, bye and went to get a taxi). I did not expect he would all of a sudden be so cold to me  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JDam said:

 did not even wish me a happy birthday yesterday even though he knows.

Sorry this happened. Don't invest in people who don't invest in you.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Free yourself from this nonsense.

[JDam]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Don't invest in people who don't invest in you.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Free yourself from this nonsense.

Thank you! ❤️ Maybe Im giving too much importance to a birthday wish but it did upset me  about social media, I have been thinking about this but I dont want to be too dramatic because its not like we ended on bad terms. Oh well..

[JDam]

Hi guys

Im posting after about 4 months because I just need to vent a hopefully get some comfort.

To follow up on my original and other posts, after I asked my asked where our “relationship” was going and he sad I was pushing him, I no longer contacted him. I thought it was all over. After about a month and a half, he started contacting me on instagram again by reacting to my stories and the messaging me. He had a bar exam coming up so he had to start studying. The conversation was friendly, I offered him study materials to which he said he would love to use them. He then contacted me to ask about some things about my work which he could use for the preparation and he also wanted to pick up the study materials. Before that he was super nice. He was talking about providing his car for a trip to a place I would like to visit but I have not visited since I do not drive. Then he offered to give me driving classes hahah well, I did not really reply to of his offers because in the context of what we said to each other in the summer I did not want to get hurt again. He would then basically react to every story I posted and then came to my home to pick up the study materials. Well, we ended up having sex. I thought that after everything I told him that I felt for him 3 months prior he had made up his mind. I asked if we could see each other again after about 3 days ( I said I missed the cuddles..) to which he replied “sure”. We met on a Friday and went to this beutiful wellness place again. Then we went to his place and had sex again. I have not heard from him since (3 weeks). In the meantime he has been acting really odd. Like he would post a story on instagram and then delete if after like an hour. I think this is a really strange behavior. I would never view his stories.

Yesterday he passed the exam and of course posted this news in his stories. I have not viewed the story and I honestly do not want to congratulate him. Im feeling absolutely abused. I just cant believe his was stringing me along again after what I told him I felt for him in August. I thought he would not be this cruel and would not contact me (let alone sleep with me) unless he changed his mind. Im so sooooo upset with him and myself. Some people are just so ruthless and abusive that it blows my mind. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by JDam

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JDam said:

. Then we went to his place and had sex again. I have not heard from him since 3 weeks.

Well, it depends on what you want for yourself. 

If this nebulous on/off FWB situationship is not working for you, end it.

Why not free yourself for what you really want?

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕.

[JDam]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, it depends on what you want for yourself. 

If this nebulous on/off FWB situationship is not working for you, end it.

Why not free yourself for what you really want?

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕.

You are right. No, it is not working for me and it never did. But as I said, I did it because I thought he had made up his mind because he KNOWS how I feel about him. I thought he would not be so cruel do string me along again and give me false hope. Unfortunately, he only used me to get something from me and get some entertainment when he was bored. Oh well :((

[glows]

It's up to you to move on from this and remove him from your social media contacts and block his number. Follow a person's actions rather than their words. 

I'd steer clear from someone like this as he only shows he doesn't have a conscience. While I don't think he abused you, per say, he did take advantage of your emotions.

You say that you didn't respond to his offers for driving lessons or a trip but you did respond to an offer for sex so there's contradiction there in your thoughts or approach. You can change that about yourself or choose not to engage in offers for sex and intimacy in situations that are iffy or unclear to you, especially where a person has a proven record or history of disappointing you in the past. 

I think you are better off without him.

[JDam]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

It's up to you to move on from this and remove him from your social media contacts and block his number. Follow a person's actions rather than their words. 

I'd steer clear from someone like this as he only shows he doesn't have a conscience. While I don't think he abused you, per say, he did take advantage of your emotions.

You say that you didn't respond to his offers for driving lessons or a trip but you did respond to an offer for sex so there's contradiction there in your thoughts or approach. You can change that about yourself or choose not to engage in offers for sex and intimacy in situations that are iffy or unclear to you, especially where a person has a proven record or history of disappointing you in the past. 

I think you are better off without him.

Thank you. Concerning his offers to go on a trip together etc. I did not really say anything because he did not ask outright and I hate it when people do that because I knew he was expecting I would be like: sure lets go and plan the whole trip. I mean, he was expecting I would do all the work. And also, I was afraid of getting hurt  

Concerning sex, I did not reply to his “offer”, actually, it was not planned at all. He came to pick up stuff at my place and we had a cup of coffee and chatted. Then unfortunately one thing led to another  then I thought he had changed his mind so I was comfortable to ask when we would see each other again and we then met again. At the second meeting it was obvious that it was a date.

Havent heard from his since though. But I should have known better. I just did not expect he would do this (ghost me) despite knowing about my feelings toward him  

[glows]

On 12/7/2021 at 12:05 PM, JDam said:

Thank you. Concerning his offers to go on a trip together etc. I did not really say anything because he did not ask outright and I hate it when people do that because I knew he was expecting I would be like: sure lets go and plan the whole trip. I mean, he was expecting I would do all the work. And also, I was afraid of getting hurt  

Concerning sex, I did not reply to his “offer”, actually, it was not planned at all. He came to pick up stuff at my place and we had a cup of coffee and chatted. Then unfortunately one thing led to another  then I thought he had changed his mind so I was comfortable to ask when we would see each other again and we then met again. At the second meeting it was obvious that it was a date.

Havent heard from his since though. But I should have known better. I just did not expect he would do this (ghost me) despite knowing about my feelings toward him  

The "ghosting" is as disinterest overall and flakiness. When someone shows me this I always thank the stars and go on about my day 100x lighter and happier. I no longer have to entertain any ideas or work myself up about someone's care or lack thereof. It goes to the zero pile. So while it may be disappointing to start, shrug that off and be glad he's not in your life any longer. Try to keep it that way, especially where someone shows you repeatedly what they're made of. 

Why did you think he might have been expecting you to do all the work with the planning of a trip? This is in itself a bit of a turn off. If you go on a trip with a romantic interest isn't it more fun to plan it together? This person already didn't give you good feelings at the start so being twice shy after that is not unheard of. Listen to your instincts.

[JDam]

Hi everyone,

I think some of you might just be annoyed that Im asking about the same person all over again. Im sorry. I know that Im just weak but I was still hoping things would get better. Now Im starting to question if I have overreacted. 
 

Just a high lever summary of the situation. Me and my ex broke up almost 7 years ago. We were each others first true love and relationship (lasted for over 2 years). He ended it. After that we were not in contact until Jan 21. We met up first in June and until this day we would meet up here and there and also have sex. I always had feelings for him which I told him about in July when I wanted clarification about the fwb situation. He said Im pressuring him. So after that we were not in touch until September when he initiated contact again, always on instagram, by reacting to my stories etc. We met up so that I would give him some study materials and we had sex again. This was because I think that he had made up his mind because he knows about my feelings, so I was optimistic. I just enjoyed our time together and did not push, ask etc. We met up again during Christmas and I have to say it was one of the most beautiful evenings ever. When I asked if we would go skiing, get brunch etc., he always said yes with no hesitation. I then sent him a text thanking him for the evening and he said thank you too.  I left some unnecessary things at his place, he asked if he should keep them to which I said he does not have to unless he would love to share such a nice evening again. To which he said he would love to. He then sent me a NYE wish and that he wishes me all the best in my new job. I said that I would want some cuddles, which he “liked” and when I asked when will my wish come true, he replied “soon :)” So I thought things were going well, I asked (after a week) if he would be up for a trip or a museum exhibition sometime? His reply was quite cold, he said maybe Sunday but is not sure. To which I replied “what about my cuddles wish? :)” To which he did not reply, so I simply asked if he was ignoring me and he says: why are you reacting like this? I said its because Im feeling that way, but I may be wrong which is why I asked. He replied he does not like this unnecessary drama and that he would let me know about Sunday. I asked why is he acting like this because I asked because he did not give me an answer to my question. He said this to tone and this conversation does not make sense. 
 

I mean, on one hand, when we are together, he is very warm and nice, says he would love to meet up again. But when I ask he acts cold and distant. He I confront him about the inconsistency, he is mad and makes me look like a drama queen. This is all in the situation he damn knows what my intentions and feelings are. I really feel like I just cant say anything in this situation which is not fair. When I do ask, he makes me question my concerns and myself.

what is your view on this? Am I overreacting? 

[basil67]

No, he's not gaslighting you because he's not making any promises.   He's just wanting - and getting - sex with the ex.   Meanwhile you're wanting more, but not putting up appropriate boundaries to avoid being the ex he has sex with.

 

[JDam]

He has made promises. He said we would meet up soon, that we would do this and that… he is warm only when it suits him, when he is called out he gets mad and makes me look crazy. When I ask to set up a boundary Im pushing. It feels as if I had to walk on eggshells and was silenced every time because I have no right to feel anyhow.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, JDam said:

He has made promises. He said we would meet up soon, that we would do this and that… he is warm only when it suits him, when he is called out he gets mad and makes me look crazy. When I ask to set up a boundary Im pushing. It feels as if I had to walk on eggshells and was silenced every time because I have no right to feel anyhow.

He's feeding you breadcrumbs because frankly, you are chasing him.  He will take the sex because you want to give it to him but he isn't interested in more.  He wants you to stop pushing for more affection (cuddles).  He's not interested in getting back together from his actions towards you.  You need to distance yourself from him so you can heal and get over him because sooner or later he is going to be with another girl and you will get hurt if you're still around.  I know it's hard to get over someone you love but this guy isn't coming back.

[JDam]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He's feeding you breadcrumbs because frankly, you are chasing him.  He will take the sex because you want to give it to him but he isn't interested in more.  He wants you to stop pushing for more affection (cuddles).  He's not interested in getting back together from his actions towards you.  You need to distance yourself from him so you can heal and get over him because sooner or later he is going to be with another girl and you will get hurt if you're still around.  I know it's hard to get over someone you love but this guy isn't coming back.

Thank you    it just breaks my heart. I dont know what to do when he lets me know about Sunday (this is how the conversation ended).

Edited January 4, 2022 by JDam
Typo

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JDam said:

So after that we were not in touch until September when he initiated contact again, always on instagram, by reacting to my stories etc. We met up so that I would give him some study materials and we had sex again. This was because I think that he had made up his mind because he knows about my feelings, so I was optimistic.

Are you saying here he initiated contact by reacting to your Instagram stories?  Is that really initiating contact by liking something?

Did you initiate the meet up to give him the study materials or did he ask to meet you which led to sex?

You thought he had made up his mind about what?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It seems more like different wavelengths than gaslighting.

You're acting like you're in a relationship and he's treating it like FWB or hookups.

Pull back and stop asking him out. See if he steps up.

[JDam]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you saying here he initiated contact by reacting to your Instagram stories?  Is that really initiating contact by liking something?

Did you initiate the meet up to give him the study materials or did he ask to meet you which led to sex?

You thought he had made up his mind about what?

He asked about the study materials, he asked me to provide him some info which he could use for the bar exam. He messaged me himself to ask (subtly though) about going on a trip together, going to a sauna and teaching me how to drive a car etc (I know its funny, but Im European and live in a big city so I dont drive…). Concerning the last meeting, when I asked about a book he borrowed and wanted to return it, he said we could go for a drink, sauna etc. 
 

I told him about my feelings in July, wanted clarification about the fwb situation. He said I was pushing him. So I said ok, I will stop contacting him. Yet after this conversation he slept with me three time again. So because I did not want to push again, I just enjoyed our time because I thought he would not be so cruel to lead me on after what has been said.

[JDam]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems more like different wavelengths than gaslighting.

You're acting like you're in a relationship and he's treating it like FWB or hookups.

Pull back and stop asking him out. See if he steps up.

Thank you. I have done that before after he said I was pushing him. He will let me know about Sunday but if he is free, I just dont know whether to go at all. Seriously I would just tell him that Im just uncomfortable given his last rather harsh reactions toward me and that Im just afraid of getting hurt. That Im uncomfortable with the inconsistency and that I thought he wanted something more considering what I told him in July. I would just appreaciate more honesty from him. His attitude is just selfish given that he knows about my feelings. He does not have the guts to tell me he does not want more, so he says Im chasing, pushing etc. Its just not fair. I want to clarify once and for all.

Edited January 4, 2022 by JDam