Is it a date or just hanging out?

[JDam]

Cause i kept hoping he changed his mind. Because in person he acted completely different. I dont think i need to justify here. I happened and I loved him and thats it. 

[basil67]

@JDam don’t ever assume someone has changed their mind about a breakup.  There is only one way to know for sure, and that is when they approach with an apology and ask for another chance.  Anything less is going to be a casual thing

Edited January 30, 2022 by basil67

[glows]

8 hours ago, JDam said:

what angers me though is that he does not admit he just used me, wanted causal sex etc. He says he did some thinking but because of some stupid mishap like asking him about him ignoring me he realized he does not want to be with me. He never want to in the first place. 
 

im just upset it got this far that I will have to cut him off completely and for good. The fact that I will never talk to him again is devastating me, despite the pain he caused.

Yet you both weren’t ever dating (of recent) and the false intimacy that comes from fwb can be misleading. Break out of that thought pattern and see things for what they were. When someone shows you what they are, really, truly believe it. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by glows

[JDam]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

@JDam don’t ever assume someone has changed their mind about a breakup.  There is only one way to know for sure, and that is when they approach with an apology and ask for another chance.  Anything less is going to be a casual thing

I know now. It was just hard to see it for what it was and think rationally

50 minutes ago, glows said:

Yet you both weren’t ever dating (of recent) and the false intimacy that comes from fwb can be misleading. Break out of that thought pattern and see things for what they were. When someone shows you what they are, really, truly believe it. 

You are right!

thank you guys, you are amazing! It gave some sort of comfort that I was able to vent here. ❤️

[glows]

You seem to be struggling with blocking him. I see blocking someone as a way of not being further inconvenienced.

He has been a part of your life for so long that envisioning a life without him in it may be both scary and freeing for you. 

Think of the peace of mind all of this will bring you and the extra time you’ll have to spend on yourself and your loved ones. 

[JDam]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You seem to be struggling with blocking him. I see blocking someone as a way of not being further inconvenienced.

He has been a part of your life for so long that envisioning a life without him in it may be both scary and freeing for you. 

Think of the peace of mind all of this will bring you and the extra time you’ll have to spend on yourself and your loved ones. 

Yeah, because there is still an irrational part of me that actually cares about how it will look. My cousin told me that only psychopaths block others. Everybody has a different opinion about blocking someone. Its ridiculous because the closure must come from within yourself, not from the act of blocking someone. But the blocking will help you find that closure sooner. 

I think you are perfectly right and summed it up correctly: it makes it absolutely final and thats why I procrastinate about doing it. Thats where my fear comes from - it absolutely buries the "relationship" and our past.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, JDam said:

. My cousin told me that only psychopaths block others. 

Your cousin is incorrect. People who have boundaries and self respect block those who cause harm to them. It's no different than your home or car locks. It keeps undesirables away.

[glows]

4 hours ago, JDam said:

Yeah, because there is still an irrational part of me that actually cares about how it will look. My cousin told me that only psychopaths block others. Everybody has a different opinion about blocking someone. Its ridiculous because the closure must come from within yourself, not from the act of blocking someone. But the blocking will help you find that closure sooner. 

I think you are perfectly right and summed it up correctly: it makes it absolutely final and thats why I procrastinate about doing it. Thats where my fear comes from - it absolutely buries the "relationship" and our past.

I agree about closure coming from within. Some are able to find that sooner than others. I don’t use a block feature unless someone repetitively pushes my boundaries and disrespects my wishes.

In your case eight months prior to June/21 in your OP it was him who contacted you. Both of you already had issues in the past that had hurt you and had broken up due to his disinterest in your relationship and possible interest in someone else. I don’t see his actions as rational, to be honest with you. A man who keeps coming back for casual sex knowing that there are residual emotions in the other person ranks very low in integrity and respect to me. 

If I can weigh the probability that someone will keep coming back with the same behaviours I’ll block the person. You have to be the judge of that and start establishing your own boundaries. What others think is besides the point. 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, JDam said:

Well so I had to ask him to get my book back

You should not have had to ask to get your book back he should have had it in tow.  Those books are terribly expensive.

[JDam]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your cousin is incorrect. People who have boundaries and self respect block those who cause harm to them. It's no different than your home or car locks. It keeps undesirables away.

Agree, wiseman!

4 hours ago, glows said:

I agree about closure coming from within. Some are able to find that sooner than others. I don’t use a block feature unless someone repetitively pushes my boundaries and disrespects my wishes.

In your case eight months prior to June/21 in your OP it was him who contacted you. Both of you already had issues in the past that had hurt you and had broken up due to his disinterest in your relationship and possible interest in someone else. I don’t see his actions as rational, to be honest with you. A man who keeps coming back for casual sex knowing that there are residual emotions in the other person ranks very low in integrity and respect to me. 

If I can weigh the probability that someone will keep coming back with the same behaviours I’ll block the person. You have to be the judge of that and start establishing your own boundaries. What others think is besides the point. 

You are always spot on, glow! very well said. I dont intend to block him to hurt him, to make him regret/want me back. He is not harassing me, but I simply do not believe that he will not reach out again after a few weeks or months. And also because I dont have enough willpower not to look what he is up to. I will not take the time to help only to let him reel me back into his mess when he reaches out again. Im not doing this out of anger but to protect myself... finally... 

[JDam]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You should not have had to ask to get your book back he should have had it in tow.  Those books are terribly expensive.

Well, it is my book so I wanted it back. I think its rude from him 1) not to let me know if the exam was ok and just say thanks, and especially 2) not to return the book you no longer need. Ahhh well, everytime I write this down I realize how stupid I am that I let him treat me like that.

Edited January 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

On 12/7/2021 at 1:37 AM, JDam said:

Quote

 

The conversation was friendly, I offered him study materials to which he said he would love to use them. He then contacted me to ask about some things about my work which he could use for the preparation and he also wanted to pick up the study materials. Before that he was super nice.

So I see you were the one who offered the study materials to him and then he contacted you for information and to pick up the study materials.  He didn't say anything about missing you and wanting to take you on a date.

Quote

He was talking about providing his car for a trip to a place I would like to visit but I have not visited since I do not drive. Then he offered to give me driving classes hahah well, I did not really reply to of his offers because in the context of what we said to each other in the summer I did not want to get hurt again.

Here he was only going to provide (lend) his car to you to go on the trip and even offered to give you driving lessons so you could drive there.  You notice he never said that he would drive you there so that you guys could spend time together.

 

Quote

He would then basically react to every story I posted and then came to my home to pick up the study materials. Well, we ended up having sex.

People read and react to lots of stories online and yours probably wasn't the only one he's reading and reacting to.  I don't know how reacting to people's stories is showing romantic interest.  Why here are you blaming him for having sex with you, instead of asking yourself why you had sex with him?

Quote

I thought that after everything I told him that I felt for him 3 months prior he had made up his mind.

Made up his mind about what?

Quote

I asked if we could see each other again after about 3 days ( I said I missed the cuddles..) to which he replied “sure”. We met on a Friday and went to this beutiful wellness place again. Then we went to his place and had sex again.

It seems that the way he answered "sure" must have told you he was half hearted about this meet for cuddles, but he lucked out and ended up having sex.

Quote

I have not heard from him since (3 weeks). In the meantime he has been acting really odd. Like he would post a story on instagram and then delete if after like an hour. I think this is a really strange behavior. I would never view his stories.

But you are spying on him online and watching his behavior so you will read his stories.  What you need to remember is he hasn't contacted you for 3 weeks after having sex with you.  That is him trying to move on from you and he has told you it's best that you guys not try to be friends and stop contacting each other.  I really don't know how much clearer he needs to make it that it's over and not going to start up again.  So you not blocking him is you still holding on to hope that he will come to his senses and want you again but from his actions and words that isn't going to happen.   That is why you need to block him not for him but for you so you can get over him.  At some point he will get a new gf and you need to be over him by the time that happens or the pain will be too much.  I know because I've been there.  It's time to let him go.

 

 

[JDam]

Stillafool, its not like I want you to be kind to me or say things I want to hear, but I think you are really harsh for no reason and also you are cherry picking stuff that I wrote earlier and are misinterpreting things. About lending the car for example, what you say is incorrect. He knows Im not a driver. What sense does it make to give me his car then? Why would he waste his time to teach me to drive? It was just his cowardly way of saying he wants us to go there. I think whatever he says you always interpret in a way Im the one to blame and he is such is great guy. Yet for example here, he is a coward not to directly ask me out. He did this because he expected ME to ask him.. its difficult to translate the message so that it has the exact same tone and meaning. He was just lonely because studying for the bar SUCKS big time and so he kept reaching out to an easy target.

About the last quote. What you are saying does not really make sense. He made it clear, yet in the past he kept reaching out. So what is it that he wants? And talking about spying. The last time I remember, it was HIM who went to my friends (whom he does not know) profile to view her story after I posted about our outing mid January...

[glows]

Think of it this way: every moment of every day, every month and each year that passes by is time you could be spending with someone else or being happy. Don’t weigh yourself down but info that doesn’t involve you any longer. You’ve spent way too much time on him. 

Let go. 

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, JDam said:

Stillafool, its not like I want you to be kind to me or say things I want to hear, but I think you are really harsh for no reason and also you are cherry picking stuff that I wrote earlier and are misinterpreting things. About lending the car for example, what you say is incorrect. He knows Im not a driver. What sense does it make to give me his car then? Why would he waste his time to teach me to drive? It was just his cowardly way of saying he wants us to go there. I think whatever he says you always interpret in a way Im the one to blame and he is such is great guy. Yet for example here, he is a coward not to directly ask me out. He did this because he expected ME to ask him.. its difficult to translate the message so that it has the exact same tone and meaning. He was just lonely because studying for the bar SUCKS big time and so he kept reaching out to an easy target.

About the last quote. What you are saying does not really make sense. He made it clear, yet in the past he kept reaching out. So what is it that he wants? And talking about spying. The last time I remember, it was HIM who went to my friends (whom he does not know) profile to view her story after I posted about our outing mid January...

I don't mean to cherry pick what's going on but to give you another reason for his actions.  You seem to see his actions as keeping you at arm's length but deep down hiding the fact that he still wants to get back together.  I think he was offering to lend you his car so you would have a way travel to your destiny, not offering to drive you himself is telling and if he wanted to get back together he would love that opportunity to spend that time with you.  Instead he offers to teach you to drive. (I think it's just something he said but had no intention of doing.) I think that's insulting but I doubt he meant it that way.  Instead you think he's holding out on telling you he wants to spend time with you and waiting for you to ask him.  That makes no sense because he hasn't even contacted you in 3 weeks after you had sex with him.  If he wanted you wouldn't he at least contact you after sex to get together?  He knows you're interested because you expressed it to him prior to and after sex.  I think this type of thinking is wishful on your part and keeping you stuck on him when he does not feel the same about you.  I don't mean to blame you for how you feel.  It's just that he seems to tell you how he feels and you interpret it to mean something else in order to not let go.  He's being crystal clear  with you how he feels.

[JDam]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I don't mean to cherry pick what's going on but to give you another reason for his actions.  You seem to see his actions as keeping you at arm's length but deep down hiding the fact that he still wants to get back together.  I think he was offering to lend you his car so you would have a way travel to your destiny, not offering to drive you himself is telling and if he wanted to get back together he would love that opportunity to spend that time with you.  Instead he offers to teach you to drive. (I think it's just something he said but had no intention of doing.) I think that's insulting but I doubt he meant it that way.  Instead you think he's holding out on telling you he wants to spend time with you and waiting for you to ask him.  That makes no sense because he hasn't even contacted you in 3 weeks after you had sex with him.  If he wanted you wouldn't he at least contact you after sex to get together?  He knows you're interested because you expressed it to him prior to and after sex.  I think this type of thinking is wishful on your part and keeping you stuck on him when he does not feel the same about you.  I don't mean to blame you for how you feel.  It's just that he seems to tell you how he feels and you interpret it to mean something else in order to not let go.  He's being crystal clear  with you how he feels.

I dont want agrue with you here, stillafool. All Im saying is that he is not a good man and I made a mistake to let him treat me like that. He is not a good man for knowing all that time that all he wanted was just occasional sex at his convenience, yet he knew about my feelings and also that he would hurt me. Yet being the selfish man that he is, my feelings and that pain he would inflict meant nothing to him. It was damn obvious to him. I mean, I let go in August after he said he is no longer interested in seeing me. I did not block him back then, I went NC but he kept coming back. Why didnt he just leave me alone? Dont blame me now for not cutting him off and meeting up again with him. I have beat myself up enough. I regret that I ever met him. I wish it never happened.

3 hours ago, glows said:

Think of it this way: every moment of every day, every month and each year that passes by is time you could be spending with someone else or being happy. Don’t weigh yourself down but info that doesn’t involve you any longer. You’ve spent way too much time on him. 

Let go.  

Yes, I wish all the investment had been made somewhere else. I cant change that but Im in the power to change it in the future. Thank you! ♥️

Edited January 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

Surround yourself with people who love and care about you. That’s what’s important. Stillafool has a point in that he  wasn’t ever emotionally invested in the same way and I agree with her. It’s very hard to walk away from someone you’ve loved or cared for but take care of you now.