Breakup

[K16]

Hi, I have just recently gone through a break up that I am having a hard time accepting. We were both really happy never really had issues, had bickers as every couple does but we had a great relationship.  Over the last few weeks my now ex partner started his healing process and dealing with past trauma and working on himself. He decided that he needs to do it in his own and focus on that and broke up with me. I love him so much and I wanted to be there for him to help him through the whole process, I know he loves me as well. We had a conversation today and he said that he misses me but he needs to give himself a chance to be on his own and work on himself. I just am really struggling with the whole situation 

 

#breakup #ex #help

[glows]

Someone who is committed to you will not break up because of hardship. Life is hard, dealing with life as issues come up is a challenge. You don’t run away from that unless the relationship itself is unhealthy and preventing self growth or that person is perpetually disillusioned or has unrealistic expectations out of life and relationships.

You need to have a sit down with yourself and meet the reality head on that the relationship wasn’t good. It likely wasn’t healthy. Be still for awhile and ask yourself why you feel the need to support someone who doesn’t want your help. You deserve to be in a much better place than this vying for the attention of a man who has mental health issues he wants to sort out on his own. Move on and I don’t recommend staying in contact. You’re still in denial so the quicker you accept this as over, the quicker your healing in the long run.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, K16 said:

#breakup #ex #help

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating?

How old is he? What exactly does "working on himself" mean? What were the arguments and breakup about?

It would be best to go no contact and stop chasing him. 

Unfortunately "I need to work on myself" is a twist on "it's me, not you" for breaking up.

He really doesn't want to work on himself, get back together or want your "support".

Stay no contact and reflect on what you wish for your future.

 

Edited July 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[K16]

We were dating for 18months. 
he is 22. 
well the working on himself is dealing with his trauma. He wasn’t happy with himself as a person, he wasn’t happy with his job, he got declined for his dream job and it all happened all at once. When we first got together I noticed very unhealthy things that were happening in his relationship with his family and I was the person who made him realise that there was a lot of things wrong that he really needed to work on so from the start I was always his support system . He made huge progress. The only thing  even though we had a good relationship I genuinely believe we were happy and even when we spoke  about everything he says he was happy with me and he says that maybe this break up will be the worst decision he will have ever made but it feels right to him to work on himself and do it alone as he’s not really had the time to be on his own. He jumped from a relationship to relationship before, wasn’t very faithful, o was the first relationship he’s ever taken seriously.

we didn’t have an argument at all, it was just a conversation that we had. It was pretty unexpected, we sat down had a conversation and went separate ways. He moved out. 

[K16]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Someone who is committed to you will not break up because of hardship. Life is hard, dealing with life as issues come up is a challenge. You don’t run away from that unless the relationship itself is unhealthy and preventing self growth or that person is perpetually disillusioned or has unrealistic expectations out of life and relationships.

You need to have a sit down with yourself and meet the reality head on that the relationship wasn’t good. It likely wasn’t healthy. Be still for awhile and ask yourself why you feel the need to support someone who doesn’t want your help. You deserve to be in a much better place than this vying for the attention of a man who has mental health issues he wants to sort out on his own. Move on and I don’t recommend staying in contact. You’re still in denial so the quicker you accept this as over, the quicker your healing in the long run.

I genuinely believe the relationship was good, and he will say that the relationship was good. He has a life coach and therapist and he even told them that there was no fault in our relationship but to him it feels right to heal and deal with his trauma on his own as he feels lik

 

1 hour ago, glows said:

Someone who is committed to you will not break up because of hardship. Life is hard, dealing with life as issues come up is a challenge. You don’t run away from that unless the relationship itself is unhealthy and preventing self growth or that person is perpetually disillusioned or has unrealistic expectations out of life and relationships.

You need to have a sit down with yourself and meet the reality head on that the relationship wasn’t good. It likely wasn’t healthy. Be still for awhile and ask yourself why you feel the need to support someone who doesn’t want your help. You deserve to be in a much better place than this vying for the attention of a man who has mental health issues he wants to sort out on his own. Move on and I don’t recommend staying in contact. You’re still in denial so the quicker you accept this as over, the quicker your healing in the long run.

I genuinely believe we had a good relationship and he does too. He tells people he was happy and there wasn’t a fault in our relationship. He has a life coach and decided that he needs

ti heal his trauma and work on himself on his own he says this is what feels right for him at the moment. He says it might be a decision he will regret in the future but he has to go with his instincts: he says that he wouldn’t say he’d never get back with me but he needs time to do some work on his own but said he doesn’t want me to wait around and I need to do what I need to do to be happy. He still checks up on me to make sure I am okay. He always says he’s happy there is no hate between us and we were able to deal with it in a mature manner. 
 

yes I am aware I should not stay in contact. I am now starting that I have given myself time to go through the crazy stage and my work on myself and the break up starts from now. I know it will be hard because he’s an amazing person who treated me so so well I can’t fault him for anything but as you say I can’t try to help someone who doesn’t want my help. I honestly wish him all the best and hope he finds the peace he is looking for it’s just a shame that he’s thrown away a good relationship 

[K16]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating?

How old is he? What exactly does "working on himself" mean? What were the arguments and breakup about?

It would be best to go no contact and stop chasing him. 

Unfortunately "I need to work on myself" is a twist on "it's me, not you" for breaking up.

He really doesn't want to work on himself, get back together or want your "support".

Stay no contact and reflect on what you wish for your future.

 

We were dating for 18months. 
he is 22. 
well the working on himself is dealing with his trauma. He wasn’t happy with himself as a person, he wasn’t happy with his job, he got declined for his dream job and it all happened all at once. When we first got together I noticed very unhealthy things that were happening in his relationship with his family and I was the person who made him realise that there was a lot of things wrong that he really needed to work on so from the start I was always his support system . He made huge progress. The only thing  even though we had a good relationship I genuinely believe we were happy and even when we spoke  about everything he says he was happy with me and he says that maybe this break up will be the worst decision he will have ever made but it feels right to him to work on himself and do it alone as he’s not really had the time to be on his own. He jumped from a relationship to relationship before, wasn’t very faithful, o was the first relationship he’s ever taken seriously. I am the only person he’s allowed to really know him as we were friends before so I knew about how he treated his previous partners. Because I was the one who realised there was issues I am like the only person in his life (apart from his life coach) who is aware of his childhood trauma and all of his issues.

we didn’t have an argument at all, it was just a conversation that we had. It was pretty unexpected, we sat down had a conversation and went separate ways. He moved out. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, K16 said:

When we first got together I noticed very unhealthy things that were happening in his relationship with his family and I was the person who made him realise that there was a lot of things wrong that he really needed to work on

This may have been perceived as you trying to fix and change him, which of course is universally unwanted.

Especially pointing out all that is wrong with him, his family and so on.  

That could be why he turned it around using your line about "working on himself" to exit the relationship.

In the future remember support is not retooling someone to your specifications.

Edited July 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

When someone says they need space, they need space. Period. It's not irrational, it's not a memory problem (forgetting all the good things). They need space because being with you is somehow not safe and secure for them. 

You really can only speak for yourself. Trust me when I say the relationship isn't totally great for him. Or else he wouldn't need a break to work on his own issues. So either he doesn't feel that comfortable with you and needs the space or he is not that into you and needs the space.

I only needed space to process things when I was not totally into someone. Otherwise, I would use that partner as a resource to help me process things. 

[Fletch Lives]

Sorry about this. Either he has fallen out of love with you or he never really loved you, sorry to say. 

 

He may have mental issues blocking him from loving someone. Another possibility is, some young people are not ready for love.

 

But if they don't love you, it's all over. Love is the hook that binds them to you. Without that, you have nothing to hold them.

[stillafool]

Sorry about your break up and that you're hurt.  Do not chase him and go NC.  You will know if he was telling the truth if he stays alone and really does work on himself as stated.  If he runs to a new girl you will know he just wanted to move on and date others.  He's only 22, how old are you?

[californiagirl15]

Hi, 

I recently went through something similar with my now ex. A few days ago,  he told me was getting nervous about committing long term when he feels "Inexperienced" in relationships and doesnt know what he wants. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken. I'm coming to terms with the only thing that can be done here is give them space. 

Do not try to convince them of how great the relationship is, do not try to chase them or talk to them. If he needs time alone then give it to him. That time will either make him realize how much he misses you, or you will fully heal from the situation and be moved on. Relationships are hard, none of us in a forum will know the details of how you two were together. The best thing you can do right now is to not reach out and focus on yourself. If he reaches out and realizes a mistake was made and you want to reconcile, then go ahead. But it's best to let time work its magic. 

[K16]

1 hour ago, californiagirl15 said:

Hi, 

I recently went through something similar with my now ex. A few days ago,  he told me was getting nervous about committing long term when he feels "Inexperienced" in relationships and doesnt know what he wants. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken. I'm coming to terms with the only thing that can be done here is give them space. 

Do not try to convince them of how great the relationship is, do not try to chase them or talk to them. If he needs time alone then give it to him. That time will either make him realize how much he misses you, or you will fully heal from the situation and be moved on. Relationships are hard, none of us in a forum will know the details of how you two were together. The best thing you can do right now is to not reach out and focus on yourself. If he reaches out and realizes a mistake was made and you want to reconcile, then go ahead. But it's best to let time work its magic. 

I’m sorry that you are going through that it’s always difficult at first. Yes I am allowing the space now. I gave myself a week to feel sorry for myself have a few chats with my ex here and there and this week I started the no contact, I’m back t the gym, cooking healthy, looking after myself, reading. Just really taking the time out for myself to sort of remind myself that even though things didn’t work out it doesn’t mean that I was a shitty person or there was anything wrong and things just don’t always worn out