Neck Tattoos - Am I Overacting?

[Miss Spider]

Nah I wanted breast implants at one point and all my bf’s complained lol 

 

But yes I agree with pop and rabbit. Goes both ways 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Origin said:

told her that I find it unattractive and she's still bent on getting it.  I am ready to end it with her over this and I know how stupid it is. I just can't help it. I wish I could, but I find tattoos on necks, on females repulsive. I would never date anyone like that, ever. I just CANT. 

You have every right to break up if a neck tattoo is repulsive to you.  If you've told her how you feel about it and she still is going to do it that is also her choice, but you don't have to live with it.  You will no longer be attracted to her so that would be a big problem if you stay.  Every time you try to make love it will be there staring you in the face and you'll be all the way turned off.  Too bad.

Edited July 19, 2021 by stillafool

[panteraplan]

I understand the OP's dislike of neck tattoos but if they repulse him that much and he's not willing to

tolerate it or find a way to accept it, then he needs to leave. That's the clear answer. 

 

Are there other things she does that he doesn't like? This seems like a very huge deal breaker for him.

I wonder if there are other things going on to support him possibly leaving so hard.

 

I figure if he loves her enough, he can look beyond it. I'm not judging though. Everyone is different.

 

 

[Taramere]

14 hours ago, Origin said:

I don't know how I feel about that. I find it so repulsive that it's hard to explain. I wish I didn't find it but I JUST DO. I don't know why because I don't mind tattoos, just not on the neck, face, and chest. It's so unattractive to me. 

My entire family is culturally different...I can't even imagine what to tell them. 

I told her that I find it unattractive and she's still bent on getting it.  I am ready to end it with her over this and I know how stupid it is. I just can't help it. I wish I could, but I find tattoos on necks, on females repulsive. I would never date anyone like that, ever. I just CANT. 

Have there been other cultural clashes between the two of you?

[ShyViolet]

OP,  even if you hate the idea of this tattoo, you are willing to break up your child's family over it and do this to your child?  Really?  You can't just suck it up and deal with the tattoo so that you don't put your child through that?  That's kind of unbelievable.

[Origin]

Hello everyone,

I appreciate everyone's replies. I think most of the questions were the same so I'll attempt to answer everything in one post. 

I don't know the size of the tattoo, or what the tattoo would be. She currently has a tattoo that's at the back of her neck and is not noticeable. I weirdly don't have an issue with that one. She had it when we first met. She currently wants one at the side/front of the neck. And again, I don't know the size but it appears to me maybe 1". 

Idk, I don't think I'm the controlling type as some have called me. I don't control her. 

She has a part-time job and is stay a home mom. I suggested she gets a full-time job but she didn't want to.  

I feel I'm fairly supportive. I work full time and pay all bills in the house. She pays for groceries. We have separate budgets.  We agreed when we bought the house that she would just be responsible for her bills(credit cards) and groceries. I give her any extra money when I can, or when she asks, but it's nothing insane. Maybe $200/300. I'm not saying I'm doing it every month, but it happens. But I do have a very good job. If she wants to go out, she goes out. I don't tell her who she can or can't hang out with. I accepted her with two small toddlers who are not my own but we raise them as they are. I didn't have any issues with any of that. I feel I'm fairly supportive with the kids. I hang out with them after work pretty much every day. As soon as I come home they are with me. The only thing I don't do consistently is house chores. I help when I have the time to help. I wash my clothes. 

We have had small fights but nothing insane except one time when she got a dog right after we bought a house. 

I didn't feel getting a dog was a good idea, given we have three toddlers. Dogs are incredibly demanding. She still ended up getting the dog. I wasn't mad at that, the fighting came after the dog wasn't potty trained. I felt she didn't hold part of the bargain she promised. But I decided that wasn't worth further fighting. 

This however is beyond me. Idk why. No, I would not leave her if she gained weight, or because she was disfigured or any of that. That would be life I guess and badly dealt cards. This is not, this is controllable. I feel relationships should be 50/50 sometimes. If this is so important to me I feel she should consider my feelings. Just like if I tried getting a motorcycle. She'd probably flip out. Theres gotta be a middle. 

As I said. Neck tattoo is hard to accept, explain to my very close family. 

 

[Origin]

31 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

OP,  even if you hate the idea of this tattoo, you are willing to break up your child's family over it and do this to your child?  Really?  You can't just suck it up and deal with the tattoo so that you don't put your child through that?  That's kind of unbelievable.

This is a loaded question. But I feel I can ask her the same question, however. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Origin said:

uggested she gets a full-time job but she didn't want to.  

Why not?  This is a problem if you decide to break up.

[Origin]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why not?  This is a problem if you decide to break up.

She said the child care amount we would pay would not make it worth her while to get a full time job. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Origin said:

She said the child care amount we would pay would not make it worth her while to get a full time job. 

If you leave would you then be responsible for the two children that aren't yours?

[Origin]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

If you leave would you then be responsible for the two children that aren't yours?

I don't think so, just our daughter I'm thinking. There isn't anything legally with the boys that is under me. 

[Miss Spider]

Maybe it’s like they said, the cultural difference is too much and that she would even think to do that makes you question her compatibility with you and your life/lifestyle. It’s like me and guys that wear polo shirts. You might get over it 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ShyViolet]

22 minutes ago, Origin said:

This is a loaded question. But I feel I can ask her the same question, however. 

You can't control what other people do.  You can only control what YOU do.  If she goes ahead and gets this tattoo, then it's YOUR decision whether to leave or not.  And I'm saying that it's kind of messed up to leave over this, when you have a child that this is affecting.  Unless the relationship is truly not working and there are other reasons to leave as well.

[JRabbit]

31 minutes ago, Origin said:

No, I would not leave her if she gained weight, or because she was disfigured or any of that. That would be life I guess and badly dealt cards. This is not, this is controllable

but you're not controlling.... but you'll leave her for making a choice for her body that makes her happy but makes you not happy, but doesnt actually effect you at all. Right.

Edited July 19, 2021 by JRabbit

[Taramere]

32 minutes ago, Origin said:

This however is beyond me. Idk why. No, I would not leave her if she gained weight, or because she was disfigured or any of that. That would be life I guess and badly dealt cards. This is not, this is controllable. I feel relationships should be 50/50 sometimes. If this is so important to me I feel she should consider my feelings. Just like if I tried getting a motorcycle. She'd probably flip out. Theres gotta be a middle. 

As I said. Neck tattoo is hard to accept, explain to my very close family. 

 

It's not clear from your posts whether you've actually told her that this neck tattoo is a potential relationship breaker for you.  Have you explicitly told her that you feel so strongly about it that you'd contemplate breaking up with her if she goes ahead and gets a neck tattoo?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Origin said:

She has a part-time job and is stay a home mom. I suggested she gets a full-time job but she didn't want to.  

No, I would not leave her if she gained weight, or because she was disfigured or any of that. That would be life I guess and badly dealt cards. This is not, this is controllable.

Agree. It's an incredibly selfish waste of money for someone who has 3 kids and you are supporting her and 2 of her kids. Also agree that this is not comparable to disfigurement due to illness or injury. This is intentional.

Edited July 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Seliana]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

OP,  even if you hate the idea of this tattoo, you are willing to break up your child's family over it and do this to your child?  Really?  You can't just suck it up and deal with the tattoo so that you don't put your child through that?  That's kind of unbelievable.

She can suck it up and not get it, why so harsh with OP? Not everyone think tattoos are attractive, and he won't be able to avoid looking at it. 

Whoa, I just read he's supporting her and his 2 stepkids while she doesn't work full-time. Do the kids dad(s) pay child support? I don't think OP is being controlling b/c he doesn't want her to get a neck tattoo. 

For the record, I'm indifferent to tattoos, though I wouldn't date anyone with visible ones unless they were self sufficient, neck/face tattoos do scream unemployable. 

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Seliana

[Taramere]

27 minutes ago, Seliana said:

She can suck it up and not get it, why so harsh with OP? Not everyone think tattoos are attractive, and he won't be able to avoid looking at it. 

Whoa, I just read he's supporting her and his 2 stepkids while she doesn't work full-time. Do the kids dad(s) pay child support? I don't think OP is being controlling b/c he doesn't want her to get a neck tattoo. 

For the record, I'm indifferent to tattoos, though I wouldn't date anyone with visible ones unless they were self sufficient, neck/face tattoos do scream unemployable. 

 

I agree.  I just can't understand why a person would be determined to get a neck tattoo (which they won't even be able to look at unless they're staring at themselves in the mirror) when their partner has made it clear that they find tattoos on the neck and face unattractive.   Also, this...

Quote

 

We have had small fights but nothing insane except one time when she got a dog right after we bought a house. 

I didn't feel getting a dog was a good idea, given we have three toddlers. Dogs are incredibly demanding. She still ended up getting the dog. I wasn't mad at that, the fighting came after the dog wasn't potty trained. I felt she didn't hold part of the bargain she promised. But I decided that wasn't worth further fighting. 

 

If all the children are toddlers then there can't have been much time between the OP's partner's previous relationship and her getting pregnant by the OP.  Much as I love dogs, I can certainly agree with the OP that they're hard work and training a puppy on top of dealing with 3 toddlers was evidently too much for her to take on (I dread to think what it would be like, dealing with three toddlers in a house that contains a non house trained pup...and what kind of hygiene/safety issues that would pose for the toddlers). Not getting a neck tattoo doesn't seem like a hugely difficult decision/sacrifice for the OP's partner to make within a relationship where she seems to have been well supported in spite of her having made a few impetuous life choices.

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Taramere

[Miss Spider]

18 minutes ago, Taramere said:

I agree.  I just can't understand why a person would be determined to get a neck tattoo (which they won't even be able to look at unless they're staring at themselves in the mirror) when their partner has made it clear that they find tattoos on the neck and face unattractive.   Also, this...

Having been here I can say it was because I liked it. Even though my bf hypocritically said they preferred without, I like ink and I want my identity to reflect who I am/what I like, not just what my partner likes. My identity is not just existing for my partner. Same reason why I dyed my hair blonde when my partner liked brunettes. Same reason I wore makeup because though he said he preferred me without. Doing it for me. And fortunately  he still liked me for me. 
 

I’m checking for a guy with a face tat just to cross it off my f*cket list. That way I can REALLY make my parents proud. Seriously tho, the guy I’ve been dating does not have enough tattoos for me. Just one piece on his arm that’s hidden. He’s lucky he’s got other stuff going for him 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Taramere]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Having been here I can say it was because I liked tattoos. Even though my bf hypocritically said they preferred without, I like the alt/ inked look and I want my identity to reflect who I am/what I like, not just what my partner likes. Same reason why I dyed my hair blonde when my partner liked brunettes. Same reason I wore makeup because though he said he preferred me without. Doing it for me. And fortunately  he still liked me for me. 

It sounds like your bf expressed a preference for certain things (brunette hair, no make up, no tattoos) rather than having really strong distaste for the features you're talking about.  The OP evidently really dislikes face/neck tattoos to the point where his partner choosing to get one has left him seriously questioning whether the two of them are compatible.   Her going ahead and getting a tattoo in that situation, regardless of how he feels about it, may well come across as a big "Eff you". 

It sounds as though the two of them need to sit down and have a very serious, adult chat about these matters...particularly when there are three small children involved.  My impression is that the OP already thinks his gf behaves irresponsibly at times, and that the neck tattoo disagreement is probably stirring up those feelings.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Taramere said:

It sounds as though the two of them need to sit down and have a very serious, adult chat about these matters...particularly when there are three small children involved.  My impression is that the OP already thinks his gf behaves irresponsibly at times, and that the neck tattoo disagreement is probably stirring up those feelings.

Agree. 

Of course, it’s her body, her decision. But, if he is considering ending the relationship if she gets the tattoo, that would give most people pause. These are the compromises that people make all the time, a man likes to go to the pub and drink with his buddies… His wife has a problem with him leaving the kids at home with her, staying out until the wee hours, coming home drunk - eventually, he needs to make a different decision if he wants to be in a happy relationship.  

I have a feeling that this is the dog all over again. She makes an impulsive, perhaps irresponsible, and rather independent, decision. He protests but eventually caves and continues on her way... Next, he suggests that she should get a job, she says no (and to be fair, she’s probably right about the cost of childcare), he caves, and she continues on her way… There is a pattern of behavior here, she comes up with an idea, he disagrees, she dismisses his feelings and does it anyway, he (being a reasonable man who wants harmony in his relationship) let’s it go, and she thinks everything is fine… but, it’s not fine. The resentment builds when relationships are one sided in this way. 

Edited July 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

19 minutes ago, Taramere said:

It sounds like your bf expressed a preference for certain things (brunette hair, no make up, no tattoos) rather than having really strong distaste for the features you're talking about.  The OP evidently really dislikes face/neck tattoos to the point where his partner choosing to get one has left him seriously questioning whether the two of them are compatible.   Her going ahead and getting a tattoo in that situation, regardless of how he feels about it, may well come across as a big "Eff you". 

It sounds as though the two of them need to sit down and have a very serious, adult chat about these matters...particularly when there are three small children involved.  My impression is that the OP already thinks his gf behaves irresponsibly at times, and that the neck tattoo disagreement is probably stirring up those feelings.

I can definitely see how it could be read that way, and that a tattoo does seem petty in the face of a long-term partnership with a child involved. But I think what is being debated here is who is the one that is being petty? Is it her for wanting a body modification or is it for him having such distaste over body modification to the point he’s going to leave her and break the home?  And I really don’t think see any strong case being made either way. 

 

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

I don't think the size or design of the tattoo is relevant if OP is so turned off that he's ready to leave her. My guess is that this is not the real problem between them.

Yes - you're probably right - I was thinking from the POV of someone who has more flexibility.  The way I see it, large angry skull is whole different proposition to a one inch delicate vine and the impacts of either one on both social and work environments would be quite different.

 

[glows]

If it's on the side of her neck, realistically it won't come up to more than $500. This is not a large sum of money compared to most sized tattoos on larger parts of the body so the financial aspect is a bit penny pinching. I don't agree it's a waste of time or resources as a person can easily spend that amount of cash on other hobbies or interests. It sounds more like aesthetics for you so if it's causing this much resentment talk about it a bit more. It doesn't sound like you know exactly what she wants on the side of her neck so find out more before immediately being up in arms. What's all the fighting about after all? Something skin deep that's covered by hair? 

Take some more time to think about it and see whether you both can come to a compromise or find out more at the very least.

 

[Miss Spider]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

If it's on the side of her neck, realistically it won't come up to more than $500. This is not a large sum of money compared to most sized tattoos on larger parts of the body so the financial aspect is a bit penny pinching. I don't agree it's a waste of time or resources as a person can easily spend that amount of cash on other hobbies or interests. It sounds more like aesthetics for you so if it's causing this much resentment talk about it a bit more. It doesn't sound like you know exactly what she wants on the side of her neck so find out more before immediately being up in arms. What's all the fighting about after all? Something skin deep that's covered by hair? 

Take some more time to think about it and see whether you both can come to a compromise or find out more at the very least.

 

I agree. Realistically it will be less than $500 unless you’re going to a super skilled artist

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough