Neck Tattoos - Am I Overacting?

[BaileyB]

I think two things need to happen a) OP needs to clarify what she really wants. As has been said above, there is a big difference between a floor on the side of her neck and a bigger tattoo that spans the front and side of her neck. And b) if it is a big bold tattoo and this is a dealbreaker for you OP, you need to tell her that so that she makes an informed decision. 

[Origin]

3 hours ago, Taramere said:

It's not clear from your posts whether you've actually told her that this neck tattoo is a potential relationship breaker for you.  Have you explicitly told her that you feel so strongly about it that you'd contemplate breaking up with her if she goes ahead and gets a neck tattoo?

We spoke yesterday on it, and it turned into a fight. I will try and approach it this week more calmly to find why that specific location is so important. For me, as I said before, it's unattractive, and I can't help it. It's would also be extremely culturally difficult with my family. 

2 hours ago, Seliana said:

She can suck it up and not get it, why so harsh with OP? Not everyone think tattoos are attractive, and he won't be able to avoid looking at it. 

Whoa, I just read he's supporting her and his 2 stepkids while she doesn't work full-time. Do the kids dad(s) pay child support? I don't think OP is being controlling b/c he doesn't want her to get a neck tattoo. 

For the record, I'm indifferent to tattoos, though I wouldn't date anyone with visible ones unless they were self sufficient, neck/face tattoos do scream unemployable. 

 

No he does not.  They aren't aware of his existence yet.

23 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Agree. 

Of course, it’s her body, her decision. But, if he is considering ending the relationship if she gets the tattoo, that would give most people pause. These are the compromises that people make all the time, a man likes to go to the pub and drink with his buddies… His wife has a problem with him leaving the kids at home with her, staying out until the wee hours, coming home drunk - eventually, he needs to make a different decision if he wants to be in a happy relationship.  

I have a feeling that this is the dog all over again. She makes an impulsive, perhaps irresponsible, and rather independent, decision. He protests but eventually caves and continues on her way... Next, he suggests that she should get a job, she says no (and to be fair, she’s probably right about the cost of childcare), he caves, and she continues on her way… There is a pattern of behavior here, she comes up with an idea, he disagrees, she dismisses his feelings and does it anyway, he (being a reasonable man who wants harmony in his relationship) let’s it go, and she thinks everything is fine… but, it’s not fine. The resentment builds when relationships are one sided in this way. 

I agree it's her body and her decision. I had no issue with the job or the dog. The issue came after I felt she didn't take care of the dog like she said. But even all that, I don't mind that, it's nothing to end my family for. But the necks tattoo, idk but it is, and idk why. If she chooses to go with that decision, it will cause me to resent her and not want to be with her. I'll feel she knew how much I had a disdain for that, and she still did it, on top of not loving it ecstatically on my partner. I have no issues with neck tattoos; I don't. I find it unattractive to kiss you or do anything with you. Idk why. And finally, once again.  My family is extremely close to me.  There is a cultural difference here that I also need to consider.

[Origin]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think two things need to happen a) OP needs to clarify what she really wants. As has been said above, there is a big difference between a floor on the side of her neck and a bigger tattoo that spans the front and side of her neck. And b) if it is a big bold tattoo and this is a dealbreaker for you OP, you need to tell her that so that she makes an informed decision. 

I can't answer it because she said she doesn't know what she wants. The location when we spoke was pointing to the side/front of her neck. A neck tattoo, and it appears maybe something medium length. Maybe a word. I mean, she can even spell my name, and I'd still find it unattractive. idk how to explain. Sorry. 

[Seliana]

17 minutes ago, Origin said:

We spoke yesterday on it, and it turned into a fight. I will try and approach it this week more calmly to find why that specific location is so important. For me, as I said before, it's unattractive, and I can't help it. It's would also be extremely culturally difficult with my family. 

No he does not.  They aren't aware of his existence yet.

I agree it's her body and her decision. I had no issue with the job or the dog. The issue came after I felt she didn't take care of the dog like she said. But even all that, I don't mind that, it's nothing to end my family for. But the necks tattoo, idk but it is, and idk why. If she chooses to go with that decision, it will cause me to resent her and not want to be with her. I'll feel she knew how much I had a disdain for that, and she still did it, on top of not loving it ecstatically on my partner. I have no issues with neck tattoos; I don't. I find it unattractive to kiss you or do anything with you. Idk why. And finally, once again.  My family is extremely close to me.  There is a cultural difference here that I also need to consider.

I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds like you feel disrespected and taken for granted about much more than a tattoo. Quite frankly she sounds like she likes everything her way and you're indulging her but resenting it. Are either of you passive aggressive?

You guys sound like you need to have a heart to heart and lay everything out there. Good luck, friend!

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Origin said:

I can't answer it because she said she doesn't know what she wants. The location when we spoke was pointing to the side/front of her neck. A neck tattoo, and it appears maybe something medium length. Maybe a word. I mean, she can even spell my name, and I'd still find it unattractive. idk how to explain. Sorry. 

You don’t have to explain it to me, I would feel the same way. 

And, I would absolutely resent her for doing the one thing that I had said I did not want her to do. 

It almost sounds like a bit of a parent child relationship here - you support the family financially, she didn’t care for the dog that she impulsively bought… is it possible that the neck tattoo is a bit of a rebellious act. To be honest, if you have expressly told her you do not like it and she does it anyway - that’s kind of an immature and rebellious thing to do. Just something to consider. Her body, her choice. But, mature adults will respect the feelings of their spouse died work toward a compromise. 

Edited July 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Origin said:

My family is extremely close to me.  There is a cultural difference here that I also need to consider.

She seems rather immature. How old is she?

She doesn't want to work. She gets pets and won't take care of them. She's impulsive.

Basically she seems like a rebellious teen. 

Are you from different socioeconomic backgrounds? 

For example, would your parents perceive her as into gangs or a lowlife lifestyle for this?

She seems to not want to work or be employable. Does she waste money on other trendy nonsense?

Does she have other bad habits?

Edited July 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

@Wiseman2 to be fair, I was in the same situation as the OP's wife.   I was always going to return to work, but found that the cost of childcare made returning to work pointless.  Given the loss of work-life balance when a family has two working parents, it doesn't make sense to put kids in daycare if here's not a significant financial gain.

Of course, it's different if she earns enough to make it worthwhile.  Or when all the kid are at school and can do aftercare....but even then, of kid who do aftercare from 7am to 6pm for multiple days a week, some might cope really well but others end up exhausted. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Wiseman2 to be fair, I was in the same situation.

Was specifically addressing the topic of the thread and related concerns, not the cost of daycare or the issue of SAHMs. 

The issue is the immaturity and poor judgement regarding costs, employability as well as the relationship conflict this issue is causing.

Both aesthetically and culturally.

 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Taramere]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes - you're probably right - I was thinking from the POV of someone who has more flexibility.  The way I see it, large angry skull is whole different proposition to a one inch delicate vine and the impacts of either one on both social and work environments would be quite different.

 

That's for sure.  Tattoos are so popular now, that I don't think employers can afford to view them as a dealbreaker any more.  I've encountered quite a few NHS staff with tattoos, in warmer weather I've seen police officers with their sleeves rolled up showing tattoos...and there's a checkout assistant in my local supermarket whose arms are covered in them.  I think there are situations where a tattoo could tip the balance  against the person with the tattoo though.  Maybe if they were up for a post against somebody equally qualified and the employer had a tough call to make, the tattoo might be the thing that could swing it against them.  That said, tattoos can be covered up with make up.  A large number of ballet dancers have tattoos, which have to be concealed with make up for traditional performances.  

@Origin- would this be a potential compromise for the situation you're in?  It sounds as though your two main concerns are

a) aesthetically you're turned off by them, which could obviously impact on your love life with your partner

b) you're worried about family get togethers, since tattoos go against your family's cultural values.

If the tattoo were one that could be relatively easily covered up with the correct make up, and if your partner is agreeable to covering it up for make up at times when it's particularly likely to pose a problem, would that be a compromise you could live with?

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was specifically addressing the topic of the thread and related concerns, not the cost of daycare or the issue of SAHMs. 

The issue is the immaturity and poor judgement regarding costs, employability as well as the relationship conflict this issue is causing.

Both aesthetically and culturally.

I woudn't have raised the discussion about childcare if it wasn't for the OP having written: "She said the child care amount we would pay would not make it worth her while to get a full time job. "    So I was putting out there that she has a valid reason and that it's not poor judgement.   And she does work part time. 

@Origin you said that the only thing that you don't do regularly is housework.  When you asked your wife to work full time, did you promise to do 50% of all domestics?  If not, this is another reason why she'd be understandably reticent to take on more work hours.  

I know that working isn't directly about the topic, but it seems that your family unit has got more issues than just the tattoo.   For example, early 2018 ago you wrote that you think you have Histrionic Personality Disorder and wanted to know if you should disclose to a new partner.  I assume that you were referring to your wife?  Did you get a diagnosis, and could it explain part of what's going on here?   Was the woman in your thread about Cognitive Dissonance your wife or a previous partner?   The timeline seems to overlap.

What's the bigger picture going on here?

Edited July 20, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Taramere said:

  Tattoos are so popular now.

[ ] 

Tattoo removal is prohibitively expensive. There's plenty of heath risks, particularly in areas such as the neck.

So instead of wasting money on the tattoo and then makeup to cover it, why not ask her to consider other adornments or ways to express herself?

Clothes, hair, jewelry, etc

Edited July 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fact checking required

[Origin]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I woudn't have raised the discussion about childcare if it wasn't for the OP having written: "She said the child care amount we would pay would not make it worth her while to get a full time job. "    So I was putting out there that she has a valid reason and that it's not poor judgement.   And she does work part time. 

@Origin you said that the only thing that you don't do regularly is housework.  When you asked your wife to work full time, did you promise to do 50% of all domestics?  If not, this is another reason why she'd be understandably reticent to take on more work hours.  

I know that working isn't directly about the topic, but it seems that your family unit has got more issues than just the tattoo.   For example, early 2018 ago you wrote that you think you have Histrionic Personality Disorder and wanted to know if you should disclose to a new partner.  I assume that you were referring to your wife?  Did you get a diagnosis, and could it explain part of what's going on here?   Was the woman in your thread about Cognitive Dissonance your wife or a previous partner?   The timeline seems to overlap.

What's the bigger picture going on here?

No, I did not. She said she'd take care of the house. I try to take care of the basement on a regular. The rest when I help would be dishes or something along those lines. 

We talked about personality disorders but I never said I had that because it was self-diagnosis.  She however knows everything that has happened to me before we got together. We got together after everything that has happened so looking at the timeline now we are together for 4 years, going into our 5th. I had about 5 month break between meeting her.  My apologies. 

She currently has tattoos and as far as I'm concerned, she can have full sleeve tattoos, I wouldn't care. I care about the neck and up. To me those parts are off-limits. I don't think it's attractive, or art.  

Covering it up?  I don't think it's fair to her that I'd be asking her to cover it up each time I wanna visit my parents, out whenever. Plus the social media would show it on any pictures. And finally, I'd still be looking at it every day. 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Origin
Typo

[Taramere]

35 minutes ago, Origin said:

Covering it up?  I don't think it's fair to her that I'd be asking her to cover it up each time I wanna visit my parents, out whenever. Plus the social media would show it on any pictures. And finally, I'd still be looking at it every day. 

Is asking her to cover it up when you're visiting your parents any less fair than asking her not to get it done in the first place?  I take the point about social media showing it though.

If compromises (eg her wearing a temporary transfer rather than getting a tattoo, or agreeing to cover the tattoo up in certain situations) aren't possible, then it does seem that you're going to hit an impasse with this and that there will be one of three outcomes.  One being that the two of you split up (with everything that involves - particularly when you have a very young child together).  The second being that she ends up getting the tattoo and you live resentfully with it.  The third being that she agrees not to get the tattoo...but in that event, get ready for her to use that agreement as some sort of negotiating tool in the future.  Because when you get an outcome that involves one person getting things their way and the other having to relent, it usually crops up again in future disagreements.  Which is why I'd suggest looking really hard at trying to negotiate and compromise your way through this one.

Edited July 20, 2021 by Taramere

[Origin]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems rather immature. How old is she?

She doesn't want to work. She gets pets and won't take care of them. She's impulsive.

Basically she seems like a rebellious teen. 

Are you from different socioeconomic backgrounds? 

For example, would your parents perceive her as into gangs or a lowlife lifestyle for this?

She seems to not want to work or be employable. Does she waste money on other trendy nonsense?

Does she have other bad habits?

She's 27. They would be pretty shocked and question her judgment for sure. Idk, the cost of daycare is pretty high. The only waste I'd say would be buying a Peloton bike because she's not using it at all. Not even once, so to me that was a bad buy.

[Alpacalia]

Your dislike of neck tattoos is not shared by your partner.

If your girlfriend is dead set on having a neck tattoo, there may not be much you can do.

Do you know why she wants a tattoo on her neck and what kind of tattoo she wants?

You've previously expressed your argument, so she's aware of your viewpoint. Now she must make a decision; once she has made that decision, you can decide how you feel about it and how to proceed.

Edited July 20, 2021 by Alpaca

[JRabbit]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And, I would absolutely resent her for doing the one thing that I had said I did not want her to do. 

Its a freaking tattoo.....

[JRabbit]

4 hours ago, Origin said:

She currently has tattoos and as far as I'm concerned, she can have full sleeve tattoos, I wouldn't care. I care about the neck and up. To me those parts are off-limits. I don't think it's attractive, or art

Yes you don't find it attractive, but she clearly does.  Why is your happiness about her appearance, more important than yours?

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Its a freaking tattoo.....

But it could also be the dog, and the peloton bike, and whatever else.... 

[JRabbit]

Just now, Alpaca said:

But it could also be the dog, and the peloton bike, and whatever else.... 

For sure...which is a bigger issue, but OP doesnt seem to care about those things? Only the one thing that makes her not as attractive, in his eyes. OP do you not want your gf to feel confident and happy in her body?

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

For sure...which is a bigger issue, but OP doesnt seem to care about those things? Only the one thing that makes her not as attractive, in his eyes. OP do you not want your gf to feel confident and happy in her body?

True.  But he doesn't find it physically attractive. 

[JRabbit]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

But he doesn't find it physically attractive

He doesn't know yet if he does, she doesn't have it, but he has already made the decision. If its worth throwing away a relationship over then I guess that is his choice to make. I don't think it's fair to ask her not to do it. Its her body.

BUT there are other things I would throw this relationship away for, like him completely supporting her and her kids, with little to nothing in return.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Why is your happiness about her appearance, more important than yours?

Not sure if you are just playing devil's advocate with "her body, her choice", but who is going to pay for this?

Why would anyone pay for a defacement they don't even want to look at? 

[Miss Spider]

45 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

For sure...which is a bigger issue, but OP doesnt seem to care about those things? Only the one thing that makes her not as attractive, in his eyes. OP do you not want your gf to feel confident and happy in her body?

True. This is pretty common though. When you’re not 100% about a rship you tend to nitpick and be say peace out of your partner does something you don’t like 

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, Taramere said:

I'm not disagreeing with that.  Tattoos have never been my thing, and so I struggle to understand why people feel so driven to express themselves through getting tattoos.  Especially when people get something like a rose or heart that looks completely generic.  I think "why not just wear a transfer?  There are probably plenty of temporary products in the same styles that people get tattooed onto themselves."  Back in the 1980s a transfer probably would have been seen as really cheesy and "touristy" by people who were serious about tattoos...but now that it's so mainstream to get tattooed I tend to think transfers will eventually enjoy a surge in popularity among people who don't want their mark to be permanent.

However, at the moment there still seems to be a strong culture surrounding being tattooed.  Maybe a big part of it is the actual (painful sounding) process of getting it done.  I don't understand it really, but it's obviously something a lot of people feel very strongly about...and I think looking for potential compromises is a way forward.  If there is some element of teenage type rebellion involved here, talking to her about it being a waste of money and involving health risks will probably just fuel that adolescent mindset....whereas responding to it in a calm and compromise-seeking manner adult-to-adult might knock it on the head.  No guarantees, obviously, but it seems worth a try in a situation where the OP is talking about the drastic measure of ending the relationship if she goes ahead.

 

People are just different, with different beliefs, preferences, culture. Etc.  Sometimes is harder to understand 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[JRabbit]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not sure if you are just playing devil's advocate with "her body, her choice", but who is going to pay for this?

Why would anyone pay for a defacement they don't even want to look at? 

No I feel strongly a woman getting a tattoo isnt worth ending a relationship over, but I do also agree she should be the footing the bill.