He broke up with me because I talked to another man and.

[Herkamer]

Okay, there are a glaring red flags about this author of the thread:

-The first one is "jealous and insecure." This chick is so worried that a guy she has had a relationship for 7 years would go behind her back and cheat on her. Boy, for someone that knows that this person who's so jealous and insecure, this guy sounds pretty committed and decided to stick around. But yet, he's always under suspicion. Interesting how that works because I haven't anything on this thread that gives indication that he was, but, somehow, he's the antagonist of this story when he finds out that his gf emailed a "former friend" (something tells me an ex-bf). So she can be suspicious of him but the bf isn't allowed to be suspicious of her. Yeah, nice double standard.

-Next thing is she never "intentionally" wanted to hurt him. This one could go either way, but you see what I see here is a potential to wanting to hurt him because the bf doesn't compliment her looks and doesn't sleep with her as much as she wants. So why email the "former friend" then, and how can you accidentally forward an old email address when you have to punch it in? It would have populated right in front of you to do it, but I get the strange feeling she wanted to make her current bf angry so SHE can have an alibi to get out of the relationship.

-Notice she's trying to gain sympathy over an action that she knew she could have avoided and totally unnecessary. Kind of odd, especially when you throw in the part about her not saying anything inappropriate nor sexual. Whether it's true or not that neither one of two (or both) was said, something sent the bf into a rage. How do we know she wasn't wishing to get back together with this other guy? How do we know if she didn't say anything negative about the current bf? It's all hear say, and she expects us to show sympathy for something she wanted to do in the first place.... I don't think so.

-Now, the bf himself. Why do I get the itching sensation that he's a Chad? The way she begs this guy to come back, saying how sorry she was and hoping he would forgive her, gives me reason to believe that the dude is a Chad. Either that, or this guy makes a ton of money to be a massive provider. But my gut feeling is he's a Chad. Why email the "former friend?" Is someone having money problems? Had the bf gained the attention of other women? Because these jealousy and insecurity episodes can be strong indicators of it, and the way she holds this man up in such high regard after this break up, while normal guys would be depicted as pigs, villains, and paranoid. All the while, this woman is making excuses for him. Again, normal guys don't get this treatment, only Chads do. In all my studying into this field, only Chads are given this type of treatment, unless if the normal guys make a ton of money to offset this. Normal guys compliment on looks, as well, but never get any action, while Chads hardly ever give compliments but get all the action, and he gets to choose when they do it (not the woman). So, yes, the suspicion is strong with this one.

These are only a few things I picked. Now, lets neglect the points that I made and take this woman at face value. These two clearly were not made for each other. One seems like a beta male (if he's not Chad), while the woman clearly has trust issues. Did guy think he was actually not being mindful around other women? Was the woman hoping to reconnect with this "former friend" (that she was "friends" with for few months)? There's so much that doesn't make any sense and it's not normal.

My conclusion: Even though I wouldn't be surprised if the guys has a decent body count, this woman isn't telling the truth somewhere, and she's being dishonest. Don't buy this garbage. To me, she's trying to justify keeping her Chad while trying to get something from the ex-bf ("former friend").

[brokenheartedandsad]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not a loser but you admit that you have caused problems in this relationship with your jealousy & insecurity.   This guy has probably felt more emotionally beaten up rather than trusted & loved. 

Think for one minute how you would have reacted had the shoe been on the other foot, if you found out that he was emailing some girl he knew for a few months 7+ years ago before he met you.  Odds are, based on your own admission, you would have gone ballistic.  

This was just the last straw.  He was always accused of being a bad BF but now here you are doing the very thing he was berated about for years.  He had enough.  Let him go. 

Yes, this sucks & it hurts like hell but sometimes we need pain to really learn lessons.  It's time you learned to control your jealousy & to build some self esteem.  As you grieve the loss of this relationship think about all the bad things & the things that went wrong.  Think about what you need to change in how you approach the world & relationships.  Learn to trust.  As you rise from the ashes you will be a better, stronger person who will eventually be a good partner to your life mate.  

Unfortunately that might just be the truth. Hopefully we'll be able to work through this though. He's asked me to go to counseling with him or without so we'll see. I'm definitely open to that.

[brokenheartedandsad]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it a distance relationship? 

Yes, we live 2 hours apart. He's been asking for me to move to him and same here but none of us are willing at this point still due to both of us having great jobs where we're at. 

We were planned on moving together in a few years though. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

Unfortunately that might just be the truth. Hopefully we'll be able to work through this though. He's asked me to go to counseling with him or without so we'll see. I'm definitely open to that.

If you are serious about this work on yourself in individual counseling.  Couples counsel heals the relationship but the relationship can't heal if your toxicity remains an on-going poison.  

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

Unfortunately that might just be the truth. Hopefully we'll be able to work through this though. He's asked me to go to counseling with him or without so we'll see. I'm definitely open to that.

If you want to show him that you're serious about change, initiate counselling for yourself immediately.  

[brokenheartedandsad]

52 minutes ago, Herkamer said:

Okay, there are a glaring red flags about this author of the thread:

-The first one is "jealous and insecure." This chick is so worried that a guy she has had a relationship for 7 years would go behind her back and cheat on her. Boy, for someone that knows that this person who's so jealous and insecure, this guy sounds pretty committed and decided to stick around. But yet, he's always under suspicion. Interesting how that works because I haven't anything on this thread that gives indication that he was, but, somehow, he's the antagonist of this story when he finds out that his gf emailed a "former friend" (something tells me an ex-bf). So she can be suspicious of him but the bf isn't allowed to be suspicious of her. Yeah, nice double standard.

-Next thing is she never "intentionally" wanted to hurt him. This one could go either way, but you see what I see here is a potential to wanting to hurt him because the bf doesn't compliment her looks and doesn't sleep with her as much as she wants. So why email the "former friend" then, and how can you accidentally forward an old email address when you have to punch it in? It would have populated right in front of you to do it, but I get the strange feeling she wanted to make her current bf angry so SHE can have an alibi to get out of the relationship.

-Notice she's trying to gain sympathy over an action that she knew she could have avoided and totally unnecessary. Kind of odd, especially when you throw in the part about her not saying anything inappropriate nor sexual. Whether it's true or not that neither one of two (or both) was said, something sent the bf into a rage. How do we know she wasn't wishing to get back together with this other guy? How do we know if she didn't say anything negative about the current bf? It's all hear say, and she expects us to show sympathy for something she wanted to do in the first place.... I don't think so.

-Now, the bf himself. Why do I get the itching sensation that he's a Chad? The way she begs this guy to come back, saying how sorry she was and hoping he would forgive her, gives me reason to believe that the dude is a Chad. Either that, or this guy makes a ton of money to be a massive provider. But my gut feeling is he's a Chad. Why email the "former friend?" Is someone having money problems? Had the bf gained the attention of other women? Because these jealousy and insecurity episodes can be strong indicators of it, and the way she holds this man up in such high regard after this break up, while normal guys would be depicted as pigs, villains, and paranoid. All the while, this woman is making excuses for him. Again, normal guys don't get this treatment, only Chads do. In all my studying into this field, only Chads are given this type of treatment, unless if the normal guys make a ton of money to offset this. Normal guys compliment on looks, as well, but never get any action, while Chads hardly ever give compliments but get all the action, and he gets to choose when they do it (not the woman). So, yes, the suspicion is strong with this one.

These are only a few things I picked. Now, lets neglect the points that I made and take this woman at face value. These two clearly were not made for each other. One seems like a beta male (if he's not Chad), while the woman clearly has trust issues. Did guy think he was actually not being mindful around other women? Was the woman hoping to reconnect with this "former friend" (that she was "friends" with for few months)? There's so much that doesn't make any sense and it's not normal.

My conclusion: Even though I wouldn't be surprised if the guys has a decent body count, this woman isn't telling the truth somewhere, and she's being dishonest. Don't buy this garbage. To me, she's trying to justify keeping her Chad while trying to get something from the ex-bf ("former friend").

Omg lol.

Anyway, he's definitely unfortunately the total opposite of an alpha male. That's why we argue sometimes as well because he's extremely strong willed but so am I haha.

Thinking about why I even emailed that guy some stupid pictures, which were of a city btw, I really am telling the God's honest truth when I'm saying that I have no clue why!!!! It was so unnecessarily and now I caused even more problems 

When I say that I love my boyfriend more than I have ever loved anyone, I really really mean it wholeheartedly!!!!

I was not looking for attention at all.

And when I said we don't have sex as much as I would like I didn't mean we don't have it..... just not as much ore as often as I would like. 

And yes he really does have a whole lot of money due to his excellent job and that's one of the reasons he can't just up and leave and same for me. Right now anyway but that'll change at some point. 

We do get along great, have the same hobbies, values and beliefs....if I just wasn't so damn insecure to the point that he gets turned off 😭

Oh and not sure if that matters but the other guy is NOT my type at All. We were just platonic friends and only for a few weeks until I moved away and from there on we emailed a few times but as soon as I started dating my current boyfriend we never talked regularly anymore.

Even if i was single or my boyfriend really wants to be over now....and the other guy was single...I would nevermind even think about it. 

 

[brokenheartedandsad]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you are serious about this work on yourself in individual counseling.  Couples counsel heals the relationship but the relationship can't heal if your toxicity remains an on-going poison.  

That's what I read also so he was asking if we could do both. Which we can definitely do. I wish I wouldn't have put that off many times already. It's time now if he still wants me that is. 

[brokenheartedandsad]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you want to show him that you're serious about change, initiate counselling for yourself immediately.  

Yes, I'm already trying to find a place to do that. 

[brokenheartedandsad]

1 hour ago, Herkamer said:

Okay, there are a glaring red flags about this author of the thread:

-The first one is "jealous and insecure." This chick is so worried that a guy she has had a relationship for 7 years would go behind her back and cheat on her. Boy, for someone that knows that this person who's so jealous and insecure, this guy sounds pretty committed and decided to stick around. But yet, he's always under suspicion. Interesting how that works because I haven't anything on this thread that gives indication that he was, but, somehow, he's the antagonist of this story when he finds out that his gf emailed a "former friend" (something tells me an ex-bf). So she can be suspicious of him but the bf isn't allowed to be suspicious of her. Yeah, nice double standard.

-Next thing is she never "intentionally" wanted to hurt him. This one could go either way, but you see what I see here is a potential to wanting to hurt him because the bf doesn't compliment her looks and doesn't sleep with her as much as she wants. So why email the "former friend" then, and how can you accidentally forward an old email address when you have to punch it in? It would have populated right in front of you to do it, but I get the strange feeling she wanted to make her current bf angry so SHE can have an alibi to get out of the relationship.

-Notice she's trying to gain sympathy over an action that she knew she could have avoided and totally unnecessary. Kind of odd, especially when you throw in the part about her not saying anything inappropriate nor sexual. Whether it's true or not that neither one of two (or both) was said, something sent the bf into a rage. How do we know she wasn't wishing to get back together with this other guy? How do we know if she didn't say anything negative about the current bf? It's all hear say, and she expects us to show sympathy for something she wanted to do in the first place.... I don't think so.

-Now, the bf himself. Why do I get the itching sensation that he's a Chad? The way she begs this guy to come back, saying how sorry she was and hoping he would forgive her, gives me reason to believe that the dude is a Chad. Either that, or this guy makes a ton of money to be a massive provider. But my gut feeling is he's a Chad. Why email the "former friend?" Is someone having money problems? Had the bf gained the attention of other women? Because these jealousy and insecurity episodes can be strong indicators of it, and the way she holds this man up in such high regard after this break up, while normal guys would be depicted as pigs, villains, and paranoid. All the while, this woman is making excuses for him. Again, normal guys don't get this treatment, only Chads do. In all my studying into this field, only Chads are given this type of treatment, unless if the normal guys make a ton of money to offset this. Normal guys compliment on looks, as well, but never get any action, while Chads hardly ever give compliments but get all the action, and he gets to choose when they do it (not the woman). So, yes, the suspicion is strong with this one.

These are only a few things I picked. Now, lets neglect the points that I made and take this woman at face value. These two clearly were not made for each other. One seems like a beta male (if he's not Chad), while the woman clearly has trust issues. Did guy think he was actually not being mindful around other women? Was the woman hoping to reconnect with this "former friend" (that she was "friends" with for few months)? There's so much that doesn't make any sense and it's not normal.

My conclusion: Even though I wouldn't be surprised if the guys has a decent body count, this woman isn't telling the truth somewhere, and she's being dishonest. Don't buy this garbage. To me, she's trying to justify keeping her Chad while trying to get something from the ex-bf ("former friend").

I forgot to say.... He's a great guy, not a pig at all. Very loyal And understanding. He keeps saying he knows how much I love him and he loves me just as much and that's why we're still together. He's been willing to try to work through this with me but he also has been trying to really push for counseling lately, I just was hoping we could do it on our own. 

Oh and as far as accidentally sending it to him as well....the keyboard got stuck and I kept typing and didn't realize and when it worked again I hit send and after that I realized that my boyfriend's address showed up as well. I did NOT type that in!!!! It was a genuine accident! I don't want to hurt him or play games with him. I just want us to be ok!!

 

[Lotsgoingon]

On 7/19/2021 at 12:41 PM, brokenheartedandsad said:

 

The only thing that bothers me a lot is that he never compliments me or my body and it does make matters worse. We also do not have a lot of sex at all, which sex is very important to me for a happy and fulfilling relationship. 

 

This is like saying the only thing that bothered me in the armed robbery was having a gun pointed at my head. I'm sorry, you do NOT have a great relationship if he never compliments you or your body and if you guys aren't sexually close.

That is NOT a good relationship. You're wasting time with this guy, and this misguided email is just a distraction. It doesn't matter. Your relationship is dead. Get out. Guy can't compliment you--what's the point of the relationship?! We literally date to gain strength and love from another person and vice versa. Seven years and this is where you guys are.

You're in denial, and it's not fully your fault. Apparently your bf is in denial as well. 

 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

This is like saying the only thing that bothered me in the armed robbery was having a gun pointed at my head. I'm sorry, you do NOT have a great relationship if he never compliments you or your body and if you guys aren't sexually close.

That is NOT a good relationship. You're wasting time with this guy, and this misguided email is just a distraction. It doesn't matter. Your relationship is dead. Get out. Guy can't compliment you--what's the point of the relationship?! We literally date to gain strength and love from another person and vice versa. Seven years and this is where you guys are.

You're in denial, and it's not fully your fault. Apparently your bf is in denial as well. 

 

True

Two different wrongs anyhow.

Only one of them may make them end for an enough reason.

But one ended, what each one should fix is not exactly de same.

Even soooooooooooooo...............

.........If they still have a chance together, I would NOT advice them to focus only in each one issues.

Necessary but far, far, far (and also far) from enough.

There is a dynamics of couples that is not (no, nyet, nein) solely solved when individualities are good.

Relationships may have their own "pathologies" that are not rooted in personal "insecurities", individual lacks of affectivity or you name them.

Is it a compatible relationship one for the other? That may be a good question even for the best individuals.

Think on it.

 

[d0nnivain]

Whether the other guy is "your type" or not doesn't matter.  Again, but the shoe on the other foot.  If your BF was talking to some other girl & shrugged it off saying "she's not my type" are you going to accept that?  Of course you aren't. You are going to go crazy.  It's the hypocrisy that  has caused your guy to walk on top of always being accused. 

15 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

That's what I read also so he was asking if we could do both. Which we can definitely do. I wish I wouldn't have put that off many times already. It's time now if he still wants me that is. 

You need the IC regardless of whether your BF stays or breaks up with you.  You may need it more if he ends things because you lack self esteem.  You don't have the mental reserves to self soothe through a break up.  

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

He's a great guy, not a pig at all. Very loyal And understanding.

If you know this to be fact, why are you so jealous?

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

Oh and as far as accidentally sending it to him as well....the keyboard got stuck and I kept typing and didn't realize and when it worked again I hit send and after that I realized that my boyfriend's address showed up as well. I did NOT type that in!!!! It was a genuine accident! I don't want to hurt him or play games with him. I just want us to be ok!!

It's not unusual just a bit unlikely.

15 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

I forgot to say.... He's a great guy, not a pig at all. Very loyal And understanding. He keeps saying he knows how much I love him and he loves me just as much and that's why we're still together. He's been willing to try to work through this with me but he also has been trying to really push for counseling lately, I just was hoping we could do it on our own. 

 

If you don't mind me asking, when did the jealousy on your end arise? Was it always present even at the beginning of your relationship? While there is no "right" time to start counseling, I'm wondering why you waited so long. Because now you're at a point where you may just lose your boyfriend over this and it may be too little too late. I hope in your case, it's not.

[Uruktopi]

It can be safely said about some other sides of relationships what Oscar Wilde said about sex:

“Everything in human life is really about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.”

So are some other couple dynamics.

 

Side note: Couple ones!  So, please, can we leave the "control" cliché for another time, let´s say in a decade or two?

Edited July 21, 2021 by Uruktopi

[brokenheartedandsad]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Whether the other guy is "your type" or not doesn't matter.  Again, but the shoe on the other foot.  If your BF was talking to some other girl & shrugged it off saying "she's not my type" are you going to accept that?  Of course you aren't. You are going to go crazy.  It's the hypocrisy that  has caused your guy to walk on top of always being accused. 

You need the IC regardless of whether your BF stays or breaks up with you.  You may need it more if he ends things because you lack self esteem.  You don't have the mental reserves to self soothe through a break up.  

I absolutely agree with everything you said except for that i would be ok if we actually end up breaking up. I just don't want to because he's really pretty perfect for me!

[brokenheartedandsad]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you know this to be fact, why are you so jealous?

I wish I knew. I've always been like this even in previous relationships. My current boyfriend has never given me any reason whatsoever to doubt his feelings for me or his trust.

[brokenheartedandsad]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It's not unusual just a bit unlikely.

If you don't mind me asking, when did the jealousy on your end arise? Was it always present even at the beginning of your relationship? While there is no "right" time to start counseling, I'm wondering why you waited so long. Because now you're at a point where you may just lose your boyfriend over this and it may be too little too late. I hope in your case, it's not.

I've always been the jealous type unfortunately. I really hope that it's not too late to save what we had 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

I've always been the jealous type unfortunately. I really hope that it's not too late to save what we had 

It's not too late to get therapy for your jealousy.  Have you signed up yet?

[kendahke]

On 7/19/2021 at 2:31 PM, brokenheartedandsad said:

I freak out when he looks at or talks to any other female.

Do you do this even when the subject of the conversation is exactly the same as your email to your friend?  If so, then I can see why the double standard his repulsed him.  You can do it, but he can't? That's what you sending this email told him.  Yeah, you may have dodged a bullet, but that bullet also didn't have to be fired.

I dunno--to me, I double check who my email is being sent to before hitting the send button. And I also leave ex's out of my relationship problems... all that is is an invite for DTF-ing.

Edited July 21, 2021 by kendahke

[glows]

On 7/20/2021 at 11:04 AM, brokenheartedandsad said:

I agree with everyone that said I need to work on me and my jealousy problems. 

He reached out to me last night asking if he should come cut the grass one morning before work....a 4 hour trip back and forth....and then I asked him if he wanted to talk also and he said yes and that he's free to come talk all weekend. 

You are here worrying about emailing another man and him being upset and he is interested in cutting your grass. Did he actually emphasize that the relationship is over? As in do not want to date you anymore? Why would he suggest to cut your grass if he just broke up with you?

Meet up with him next and see how the conversation goes. If he avoids the topic or isn't actually interested in talking about it when you meet, you can decide from there whether that's a bit odd or strange. You both seem to be living and communicating on different planets. You say one thing and he responds with something else. 

Is there any possibility that after seven years of dating that the both of you could narrow or close that geographical distance/gap? 

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by glows

[brokenheartedandsad]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's not too late to get therapy for your jealousy.  Have you signed up yet?

Not yet because I'm waiting to talk to him first to see if we can go together as well.

[brokenheartedandsad]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

Do you do this even when the subject of the conversation is exactly the same as your email to your friend?  If so, then I can see why the double standard his repulsed him.  You can do it, but he can't? That's what you sending this email told him.  Yeah, you may have dodged a bullet, but that bullet also didn't have to be fired.

I dunno--to me, I double check who my email is being sent to before hitting the send button. And I also leave ex's out of my relationship problems... all that is is an invite for DTF-ing.

Yes, I usually act very irrational. I understand he's tired of it. I'm willing to and will get help though for sure!!

Like I said the keyboard was frozen and when it worked again it had added that other address and I didn't realize until I sent it 

[brokenheartedandsad]

2 hours ago, glows said:

You are here worrying about emailing another man and him being upset and he is interested in cutting your grass. Did he actually emphasize that the relationship is over? As in do not want to date you anymore? Why would he suggest to cut your grass if he just broke up with you?

Meet up with him next and see how the conversation goes. If he avoids the topic or isn't actually interested in talking about it when you meet, you can decide from there whether that's a bit odd or strange. You both seem to be living and communicating on different planets. You say one thing and he responds with something else. 

Is there any possibility that after seven years of dating that the both of you could narrow or close that geographical distance/gap? 

 

Yes, he did text me saying that it's over but that he wants to be there for me and help me out if I need help with anything.

We were planning on ending the LDR in a few more months or maybe a year at the most. 

 

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, brokenheartedandsad said:

Yes, he did text me saying that it's over but that he wants to be there for me and help me out if I need help with anything.

We were planning on ending the LDR in a few more months or maybe a year at the most. 

 

 

For your sake, I hope the conversation goes well then and he’s willing to overlook this. He seems mixed up and confused about what a break up means.