What can I do to change?

[Cat9000]

I’m hurt for many reasons as I journal / write this. My aunt is sick and dying. My long distant bf who was supposed to come and see me in less than a month canceled the ticket and YET I have hope. We have been together on and off for about 11 years.  The early part we visited each other quite frequently. Then from 2016-2018 we lived permanently with each other but I didn’t want to get married at the time and he left in 2018. I surprise visited him in 2019. As we had planned to see each other and that didn’t work out.  He didn’t like it because he wanted to plan it out more and then went no contact. He started calling me again in 2020 and we were back together but could not meet due to Covid.  And then a lot of family deaths happened and we went no contact. Until April 2021. We had planned to see each other in august. He was buying me gifts and talking about marriage. I messed up. I want us to be together but I gotta explain something first. 

To keep the story short, I have CPTSD (complex ptsd) that occasionally triggers me to find problems where there are none in my relationships. My long distance bf was coming to see me in august and he had bought me a gift this week that I received on Friday as well as booking hotels on Wednesday. He’s in the states right now. On Thursday, I started getting this weird feeling that something was wrong (it was just my pms making me act weird and in my head I felt like things were not going well although we had great convos the night before) so I called him in the morning before he was going to work and he was listening to me but later hung up on me saying he couldn’t deal with my s*** at that point. 

So me having abandonment issues started calling him and texting him through out the day. This is NOT something I do normally. It has not happened in a long time tbh. I just got really sick that he was stonewalling me. I am aware that I did not act mature. We eventually talked later that evening BUT I was sleep deprived at 2;50 in the morning. I was out of it. And we both said some shitty things and I texted him saying he wasn’t “a man” very mean and useless stuff. He hung up on me again but I went to sleep.

In the morning, he had left me a voice message saying he was NOT coming to see me and that I need to let go and that I had done this myself.... 

I apologized sent him several voice messages and texts on Friday, but he was still ignoring me until later that day when he called me to affirm that he’d seen those messages. But he still said he wasn’t coming but then started blaming me for stuff. I called him again but he wasn’t picking up. In the morning the following day ( Saturday)we talked and I thought things were OK and that we were gonna work on things. I had apologized but he wasn’t having it. We finally talked around 11 am his time (Saturday) and he said I needed to give him space and that he wasn’t coming. 

-Today, I get the message from my mom that my auntie is dying. I’ve been trying to call him but he most likely blocked me. I feel sick to my stomach. I have nobody to lean on. He has been leaning on me (even when we were broken up or had fights).  I feel anxious and panicky. 

 

 

i ended up calling him and emailing him. 
he sent me an email with the cancellation of the trip. Should I just wait it out?? 
 

this is all over the place as I’m tired and only have slept for about 1 hour. 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry about your CPTSD it sounds like a difficult condition.  It sounds like your relationship has run it's course and he finally ended it.  Stop chasing him as you've apologized enough.  He sent you confirmation that he isn't coming and has blocked you so he is very clear that it's over.  I'm so sorry about your aunt and perhaps you can lean on your mom and other family members who loved her and know what you're going through by losing her.

Edited July 19, 2021 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry about your aunt, OP. It's hard to lose a family member, I know. 

Unforuantely, I think you need to accept that this relationship is finally over. If you two could not manage to make it work after 11 years, the chances that it would work out now are slim-to-none. It sounds very dysfunctional and not a relationship that could truly sustain a marriage. You two sound like you look for each other because you're familiar to each other and there's history, but not because you actually work well as a couple. It's clear that you don't. 

In any case, it is obvious that he is not coming, and that he is done with this. Don't wait it out. Instead, work on accepting that you two have met the end of the road and it's beyond time to part ways for good. 

 

[glows]

He'll be back. You can count on it. He's annoyed with you and having to deal with your texts but his track record has proven that he keeps coming back.

In the meantime you can decide whether you want to hear from him again or whether you want to get a move on with your life (end this for good). Take the time now to think back carefully on the history of this relationship and your reasons for avoiding commitment or marriage to start. Are they valid? Only you can decide.

What do you want for yourself and your future? Were there several issues with him as a person that were holding you back? Is it the long distance nature and not knowing for certain what kind of life you'd share? Those are all valid concerns if you have them. 

 

[chillii]

Sorry but you seem to think just bc you can real off excuses very easily and that it just magically makes crap you dish out ok , but it doesn't work like that. The person receiving the crap doesn't just forget it just bc you have some excuses. Well that's where he's at with it all. And tbh , l think you probably dish out a lot lot more than just what you talk about here and unfortunately he's had enough of it quite a few times is my guess by the sounds. But whether that's it this time now or he softens on it and tries yet again later at some point , don't know.