Wdbi1991 Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 (edited) Long story, but the main bullet points Girl has very high interest and does all the chasing. Later says she loves me and cares about me and all that stuff. I never said it back. im the stereotype toxic emotionally unavailable bad boy f*** boy See each other for 2 months before she does the “what are we?” Convo. I actually like her so we go exclusive for 6ish months. Everything is on my terms. Meet the parents, Christmas together, vacations, Halloween, etc Broke up with her in February for really no good reason. Everything could have been solved if I was willing to open up and communicate. She was devastated. Within 2 weeks we are back to hanging out. Relationship without the title. Her friends all hate me now Break up with her again in May because of communication. I’m unwilling to do it and push people away when things get hard. She didn’t seem to care as much this time About a year together if you count up all the time. Were texting a bunch during the beginning of covid when we were unable to meet. So really been in constant communication since January 2020. Back to my old ways of getting with lots of girls.. but now as I approach 30 it’s becoming more and more empty. Pointless. I realize I want something real. I want my girl back Took a month off to focus on myself and try to fix me. Read some books that my ex was always trying to get me to read. Working on repairing the relationships with my parents, traveling, etc. Met up with ex to apologize for being selfish, emotionally unavailable, a dick, taking her for granted, etc. Admittedly I thought she would still be in love and obsessed with me and it would be easy…. Nope. She appreciated it, but was colder than I thought. She said she’s not entirely against the idea of giving us another shot, but I hurt her and she needs time. She’s not ready to hang and go on dates with me, and isn’t sure if she ever will be. Sucked to hear, but I figured I would do me and let her come to me if/when she is ready. I apologized and told her I wanted her back. But I haven’t been clingy or needy or blowing up her phone or any of those mistakes guys make. Been over a month since then. She watches all of my Instagram stories. Got mad one time another girl was in one. She likes my IG pics. She will message me on Instagram. Funny memes, commenting on my stories, just trying to talk. She will double or triple text to keep the conversation going… references old memories or inside jokes, but won’t flirt with me when I’m flirty. She sends me sexy snaps like she used to. I leave those on read cuz I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with them. Just very hot and cold. She just using me for attention? Miss me? Wants me back? What’s going on here? How should I proceed? Edited July 19, 2021 by Wdbi1991 More Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 18 minutes ago, Wdbi1991 said: being selfish, emotionally unavailable, a dick, taking her for granted, etc. She may still be thinking this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wdbi1991 Posted July 19, 2021 Author Share Posted July 19, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: She may still be thinking this. Wouldn’t blame her. I did do something “nice” for her recently even though we aren’t together or hanging out. Back in September she told me about this lion king sweater she had as a kid and loved. It got lost years ago and she could never find it online or anything. I periodically looked for it while we were together and couldn’t find it either…… until I found it 2 weeks ago. Vintage 1994. Had to get it and send it to her Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 (edited) Oh my goodness, my dear man, what a waste of time. No repeats. Keep repeating that to yourself. Spend more time on yourself, with your friends, meet new women and start over. This is so stale, more stale than a piece of bread hard as rock. Let it go and don't be afraid of new beginnings. I'm very glad you're moving on also and doing more reflecting. Keep treating others well, the way you want to be treated and it will into place. Don't rush it. Edited July 19, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wdbi1991 Posted July 19, 2021 Author Share Posted July 19, 2021 14 minutes ago, glows said: Oh my goodness, my dear man, what a waste of time. No repeats. Keep repeating that to yourself. Spend more time on yourself, with your friends, meet new women and start over. This is so stale, more stale than a piece of bread hard as rock. Let it go and don't be afraid of new beginnings. I'm very glad you're moving on also and doing more reflecting. Keep treating others well, the way you want to be treated and it will into place. Don't rush it. I hear you. I feel like this will be the one who got away though. little 4’11 bubbly blonde that is sooooo fricken cute. Cooks, cleans, feminine, happily let me take the lead, stepped up and paid for stuff with no complaints when I got furloughed cuz of covid. She turned me into a cuddler. I got jaded early on with girls and have been sleeping with and dumping them for years with little to no consequences. Reflecting I think part of the reason I pushed her away is cuz I was scared that I actually liked her and had feelings. We had a lot going against us to dating during covid. That’s been resolved now. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 (edited) I did pretty much the same thing to some exes. I can’t tell you what she’s thinking except that she’s probably sick of yours stuff by now. Id leave it And no you do not want them back you are just lonely now. You are idealizing because nothing better is around right now but you’ve done this before in all the times you’ve tried and that wouldn’t have happened if she were it a . Keep elevating/moving forward, Let her go to find happiness.don’t go backwards. Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 45 minutes ago, Wdbi1991 said: I got jaded early on with girls and have been sleeping with and dumping them for years with little to no consequences. Reflecting I think part of the reason I pushed her away is cuz I was scared that I actually liked her and had feelings. You're not scared anymore? Serious question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wdbi1991 Posted July 19, 2021 Author Share Posted July 19, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: You're not scared anymore? Serious question. A little. It’s scarier to live without her than it is to love her though Edited July 19, 2021 by Wdbi1991 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Wdbi1991 said: A little. It’s scarier to live without her than it is to love her though Fair enough but consider this. Currently you are without her and SHE is the ambivalent one, as such there is no threat to your independence, your way of life, your existence as a man for as long as you've known (as an emotionally unavailable f'boy). So your feelings have a chance to surface and you want her back, believing yourself to have changed and wanting more substance. It's important to be aware of the possibility that once she agrees to get back together (IF she agrees), and you're back in the thick of things, those same "scared" feelings that caused you to continually push her away might resurface and once again you're off and running. Major change within takes YEARS sometimes, a ton of reflection, introspection, sometimes the help of a qualified professional to help you sort through all the conflicting emotions. Not saying this will happen, just something to be aware of and consider. It's fairly common, I've seen it AND experienced it in a few relationships. But good luck, hope it all works out... Edited July 19, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 6 hours ago, Wdbi1991 said: I hear you. I feel like this will be the one who got away though. little 4’11 bubbly blonde that is sooooo fricken cute. Cooks, cleans, feminine, happily let me take the lead, stepped up and paid for stuff with no complaints when I got furloughed cuz of covid. She turned me into a cuddler. I got jaded early on with girls and have been sleeping with and dumping them for years with little to no consequences. Reflecting I think part of the reason I pushed her away is cuz I was scared that I actually liked her and had feelings. We had a lot going against us to dating during covid. That’s been resolved now. You have two choices: continue doing what you’re doing in limbo or move on. No one can make that decision for you. Keep in mind that this in-limbo position is also preventing you from finding someone better suited to you without trust issues and bad blood. You seem to find special scenarios where you either don’t accept the person completely or the other person doesn’t accept you completely. I’m sorry to say this but both situations would not be appealing to a healthy-minded individual. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 20 hours ago, Wdbi1991 said: She just using me for attention? Miss me? Wants me back? What’s going on here? How should I proceed? This is my impression, yes. The messages from her will dry up when she meets a guy she wants to date. You'll fill in the gaps in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 To be blunt: your questions are off base--pointed towards Jupiter, when you want to look at yourself. Who cares what she thinks?! Why does what she thinks even matter? You can't be intimate. That's the issue. Your inability to be emotionally close and intimate. Whether she wants to get back together or run you over with a truck--it doesn't matter. You'll only repeat the unhappy loop of together and breakup over and over until you solve the intimacy issue. Just a tip from a guy who also had trouble opening up, calling your issue a "communication" problem isn't really helpful. There are emotional reasons that lead to you not sharing. That's not a communication issue so much as you don't trust people or you don't know how to open up and feel safe at the same time. To your credit, you're losing interest in the badboy thing. You're right: that does get empty over time. Well here's some good news. Some badboys do have an ability learn as evidenced by them learning the ways of being a bad boy. So set a task to look around and see if you can identify some guys who can communicate close with their partners and still maintain the feeling of confidence and safety and all of that. Any guys like that in your family? In your friendship group? Here's something that helped me gradually open up (in addition to some therapy): the truth is romantic partners can FEEL exactly what's going on inside of us. They can see it/feel it in our body language, the way we move, our facial expressions. So in this sense, you really can't "hide" your feelings from someone who's sharp. You really can't. So you might as well share what the heck you're feeling. People actually feel more comfortable when the words you say to them match the body language you show to them. Even if there's something you're unhappy about with a partner, if you share that (and here is where "communication comes in--you wanna learn how to admit your feelings without being nasty) and you share that, they feel quite stable in the sense that what they're feeling from being with you and what they're hearing in your words are aligned. Here's another thing that helped me. I realized that when I didn't share what I was really feeling with women, they often imagined I was thinking and feeling something far WORSE, FAR FAR WORSE, than I was. Literally sharing some truth was far better for me. And tell your "bad boy" that it is possible to open up to all kinds of vulnerable feelings and still be confident. It's the ultimate confidence to stop pretending like you have it all together. Finally, you're also missing out on having this cheerleading energy in your corner. Nothing like sharing some pain and having your lover comfort you. Way more effective at "being strong" than holding feelings within. A lot of the stuff we judge ourselves for isn't even that big a deal--but you can't know that until you share that with someone you respect and you still get their love and admiration. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 13 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Here's something that helped me gradually open up (in addition to some therapy): the truth is romantic partners can FEEL exactly what's going on inside of us. They can see it/feel it in our body language, the way we move, our facial expressions. So in this sense, you really can't "hide" your feelings from someone who's sharp. You really can't. So you might as well share what the heck you're feeling. People actually feel more comfortable when the words you say to them match the body language you show to them. Even if there's something you're unhappy about with a partner, if you share that (and here is where "communication comes in--you wanna learn how to admit your feelings without being nasty) and you share that, they feel quite stable in the sense that what they're feeling from being with you and what they're hearing in your words are aligned. This is beautiful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 2 hours ago, Acacia98 said: This is beautiful. I second that. His entire post was beautiful!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wdbi1991 Posted August 17, 2021 Author Share Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) Update: Was no contact for a over a month. Ex reached out twice on Monday. Just a pic and meme. Didn’t respond. Then she started talking to my best friend/roommate on Snapchat. She was asking questions about me, saying she missed hanging out at our place, asking about the dog, etc. Really working hard to keep the convo going. My roommate told her that my dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. She reached out to me again saying she is here for me and cares about me, etc. I didn’t respond. She kept blowing up my roommates phone asking about me and saying she can’t believe I didn’t respond and she feels awful. Cares about me very very much and would surprise me with dinner. About a week later she puts her first picture on Instagram in 4 months. First pic since the breakup. Lost weight and is looking great. The caption was clearly aimed towards me. Next day she snaps me a sexy pic thanking me for the motivation to get hot again. I ignored it for an hour or so and then we talked a bit. Once again she’s really hot and cold. With my friend she was her normal self and with me she’s weird. She’s snapping me memories of us together, but then the dialogue is mostly bland and boring. I don’t get it. My friend who is now right in the middle of it, says to him it seems like we are both trying very hard to appear not interested or eager Edited August 17, 2021 by Wdbi1991 Link to post Share on other sites
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