Am I a Failure?

[findingmenow]

Forgive the long post, but I need to talk to someone and my family just won’t understand what is happening… 

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 children. The last 15 months have been the worst of our marriage.  With the pandemic, I lost my grandfather, favorite uncle and aunt.  I just my job to restructuring at the company I worked for, a job that I loved. Our children have been home for school and feel completely isolated. (We are all vaccinated and are just now beginning limited travel.) My husband had a complete breakdown last summer from stress, resulting in a partial hospitalization and has significant ongoing mental health issues.  He is triggered by so many things, I can’t keep up.  And his anxiety presents itself as rants of anger and frustration that he says are just him getting his emotions out so we can problem solve, but it just feels like yelling to me.  
 

We are undergoing a large remodel on our home that required us to relocate. (The remodel started over 5 months ago, before my job change and was needed because of a huge water issue in the house that caused a lot of damage.) I wanted to stay with my parents to save money.  He wanted to rent a condo. I acquiesced, thinking it would help his anxiety.  But now he hates the condo - everything is too much and he feels frustrated that he cannot get any privacy. 
 

Last week, we had a huge fight about the remodel.  There was a problem with the sink in the kitchen that needed to be fixed and I mentioned in passing that we can just get a different sink. That set him off.  And I was trying to explain that I was not trying to make him anxious, just problem solving. And he went into hyper panic mode - he screamed at me and left the condo. I tried to get him to come back to talk. But he just shut his phone off.  
 

Turns out he shut his phone off and went to a strip club, and then had unprotected sex with someone there.  Writing it down seems surreal - he has never done this before and I can’t even process what is happening.  He needs to get tested for STIs, he needs to deal with why it happened, he needs time to process, and I am trying to just keep moving.  He came home and told me what happened right away, crying, saying it just happened so fast. 
 

I keep coming back to the same refrain in my head - every time things get to be too much, he turns to something - more gaming, more alcohol, more sex, more spending… 

Despite all the therapy, it is not getting more than marginally better.  And I am so tired … tired of carrying this family and waiting for him to be ready to deal with his background (abusive parents and lots of trauma). There is so much pressure that I feel like my faith and my whole sense of self is unraveling. 
 

I am not a saint and I don’t claim to be - I can be a real pain in the ass, but I try my best to carry my load. I carry all of the benefits and retirement for our family, I make 5 times what my husband does and secured a consulting contract between jobs right now to keep our family at the same level of income to afford the things he likes. I do most of the housework, I try not to demand too much. But I feel like a nagging hateful shrew right now because so many situations are fights. And I resent him and that makes me so sick to my stomach. 

I want to leave and take my kids and dogs and go to my parents for a couple of weeks. I can work on the contract stuff I am doing from anywhere and my kids are on summer break.  But my husband says he can’t be alone. But I need to think and I need space.

I don’t know what I am asking of all of you. I guess I just needed to get part of it out. And hopefully it helps the healing process to start.  I don’t know what I want to do … I don’t know where to start except to try and start processing all of the feelings I have.  I will keep talking with my therapist too, but in the end I just feel trapped right now. 
 

Thank you for listening.  

 

 

[Crazelnut]

I think you SHOULD take the kids and go to your parents' home. I understand what it's like to live with someone with mental illness, and it can be downright awful. Even without the cheating, the situation was untenable. You and the kids are being held hostage by his totally unacceptable "coping mechanisms " Throw in the cheating, and I think you are wise to get away from him and the situation HE has caused. Anxiety is no excuse for cheating. Lots of people suffer from severe anxiety and never go have unprotected sex with a sleezeball at a strip club. 

What has he been doing to address his mental health? Therapy, meds ...? Have you two had MC?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I think you SHOULD take the kids and go to your parents' home.

Agree. He's abusive and it's affecting your family. 

Unfortunately it's getting worse:

 

 

[findingmenow]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. He's abusive and it's affecting your family. 

Unfortunately it's getting worse:

 

 

You’re right and allowing the victimization to continue is not who I am.  I just thought with help, and he is getting it, that we could get through it.  But maybe I need to do a better job at looking where we are not where we could be “if… all the things improve.” Thank you for listening. 

[findingmenow]

He believes he is not ready for marriage counseling yet. I have asked. He has a profound fear of failure that seems to pervade all discussions on this topic.  But I don’t want I minimize my own role here - I own that I can’t keep waiting for him to get better enough.  We need counseling.  I guess I just thought it would be getting better no so so much worse at this point. 

[mark clemson]

My thought is your husband needs more effective and less problematic treatments for his mental health issues. He is, essentially, becoming emotionally abusive and/or losing control of his actions - he is not responding rationally to "stress" but in dysfunctional ways. I'm not sure if there IS more effective treatment, but looking into that would be my suggestion.

I think that, unfortunately, you need to look reality in the face here and recognize that this MAY spin out of your control/ability to address. It sounds like it's already starting to. IF he becomes a danger to you, your kids, or himself, be prepared/have a plan to address it.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, findingmenow said:

I want to leave and take my kids and dogs and go to my parents for a couple of weeks.

That is precisely what I would do. Tough ta-tas if he doesn't like this. You need to put your needs first right now. He's just blown up your marriage. For me, that means he does not get a vote in how you protect yourself from the fall-out he caused. 

And even though you're likely not even thinking about it, do not have sex with him any time soon either. He needs STI and HIV tests. Unprotected sex with anyone is risky, but it sounds to me like he had sex with a dancer. This makes it even higher-risk, if his partner is someone who has unprotected sex with clients. HIV can take time to show up in one's system, so I would steer clear of any sexual intimacy with him until he's been cleared at least six months after his first HIV test. 

I would seriously re-consider the viability of the marriage at this point. He isn't willing to do what it takes (individual counselling and marriage counselling) to make this right in a way that works for you, too. He still wants to do things his way, but you know without a shadow of a doubt now that he is incapable of managing this. 

[d0nnivain]

How on earth did he think having unprotected sex was going to make anything about this better?  That's where he lost me. 

Taking your kids & going to your parents sounds like a good idea. You need a breather.  Keep talking to him, especially if he reaches out.  

Ask him what he wants, specifically.  Covid has been a horrible time for everyone.  Please accept my condolences for the loss of your family members.  But if he's freaking out about money -- remodels are expensive -- re-do the family budget; consider giving up the condo in favor of a cheaper alternative.  

Frankly in the face of his inexcusable cheating I think you need to hold his feet to the fire in demanding counseling.  

 

[BaileyB]

It’s quite clear that your husband is struggling, and I’m sorry for that. I can appreciate why you would want to stay, it’s hard to leave when your partner is down… but, the decisions that he is making are affecting your health, wellbeing, and the stability of your family. Stay, and he will take you down with the ship. 

You have children and they should be your primary concern. What’s more, your children need a healthy and well-adjusted mother. You’ve had a whole lot to deal with this past year and it’s time for you to say - enough. I too would take the children and go to your parents. Let them help you, give yourself some time to rest and some time to grieve. Find yourself a counsellor who can help you begin to determine what is best for your future. Maybe that will be with your husband (after a whole lot of therapy and a significant change on his part) or maybe not - there is no need to make a decision now but there is every reason to call in the troops and get yourself some support. 

Best wishes. I’m sending you a virtual hug - you are one resilient lady and I know you will figure this out. Take care of yourself and your littles…

Edited July 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

OP,

Like you, I have a spouse with mental health issues, and the one thing I have learned is that it can make a person very, very self centred. I don't know why- maybe they are using up so much mental/physical energy they have none left?
It's hard for their spouse, so please, look after yourself. Burnout is really common in your situation, and your kids need you.
I would also refuse to accept his "excuse" for cheating. He may be coping with poor mental health, but he is still in control of his behaviour. You still have a right to set your own boundaries of what you will and will not accept.

[Daisydooks]

On 7/20/2021 at 8:34 AM, findingmenow said:

But my husband says he can’t be alone. But I need to think and I need space.

Did I read that right? He left after a fight, turned his phone off so as to ignore you, drove straight to a strip club, for the first time ever (🙄) and then screwed a stripper, because of a kitchen sink?  

You are allowed to leave.  I don't know if you need external validation but if you do, here it is. Please leave. You dont have to make anything final. Take the help from your parents.  Get your babies out of this damned condo. Their father is unhealthy and this home is toxic (regardless of how much you both think they dont know/hear/see.) By the time I was 4, I knew EXACTLY what was going on in my home. My father was an alcoholic. No matter how "sneaky" he thought he was, he didnt outsmart a 4 year old. He loved me to bits, but he had a problem he needed help to fix, not unlike your H.   

Why havent you gone to your parents yet? What is it that is stopping you? Maybe if we talk about that, we can figure out why youre staying with someone who abuses you and has now cheated on you, and is now asking you to smile about it because that darned anxiety caused him to do it.  

So what if he says he cant be alone? He f***ed a stripper and isnt managing his mental health. Alone,  both of those things are my hills to die on. Why are you carrying even more after this betrayal? Wtf? How do you even care if he "cant be alone?" Give it up. Lol. Cant be alone. Pfffft. You cannot treat people this poorly, then have your cake and eat it, too. 

Your husband is a grown man and can and should be alone to manage his mental health. Im trying to figure out why you havent left and gone to your parents without him. If he can't be alone, he needs to figure out how to be a decent human being.  Unfortunately, for him, your job as his wife isnt to allow cheating because of his mental health, or allow screaming because of his mental health.

You are a mother. Protect your children.  Even if they have a healthy home 50% of the time, it is better than an unhealthy home 100% of the time. You dont need to decide to divorce, but you absolutely need to leave that condo with your children. Why are they not first? And why are you more concerned about him living alone than your children absolutely hating that you could have saved them from this? They cannot see any more of this behaviour. I promise.  Please stop exposing children to this when you literally could go somewhere safe this evening AND MAKE 5 TIMES WHAT HE DOES. FFS. Its not like youre a no education, no job, have been home for the last 10 years raising babies, housewife.  You legitimately have options and youre choosing to stay. And I dont get it. I understand when people are truly stuck and need more planning.  

He absolutely and unequivocally shouldn't be an abusive, cheating husband because he is not treating his mental health.  If he is treating his mental health, what he is doing isnt working.   Yelling, screaming, stomping around like a damned toddler, and screwing strippers isnt managing mental health. I am also shocked at how willingly you accept he left, turned his phone off, then went to directly stripper........ BECAUSE YOU SUGGESTED YOU COULD GET A NEW SINK. (How dare you suggest a sink that does work in the kitchen! Gasp!) And he screwed a stripper because of it? 

Come on. Dont own this or carry this for him, too. Dont you already carry enough/have enough on your plate? 

I would honestly 2 card him. In one hand, you have the card of a divorce lawyer. In the other, individual counseling. He chooses one of the only 2 choices he has. He doesn't have the option to continue like this. Ultimatums dont always work, but you sincerely can't do this forever. He will no longer have his family together, or he gets his s*** together. 

I think you need to be a mother first and a wife second, in this situation. 

 

[stillafool]

On 7/20/2021 at 8:34 AM, findingmenow said:

I want to leave and take my kids and dogs and go to my parents for a couple of weeks. I can work on the contract stuff I am doing from anywhere and my kids are on summer break.

You poor thing.  I can only imagine the kind of stress he is putting you through.  Definitely take the kids and dogs and go to your parents.  I bet if he didn't have you to support him he'd straighten up.  I think the threat of divorce is proper in this case.  He is basically abusing you.  Why do you still want him and why haven't you left already?

Edited July 23, 2021 by stillafool

[findingmenow]

Hi Everyone- it’s been a bit of a bumpy week, but the kids and I left to get a break. I told my husband that marriage counseling needs to start right away. He agreed.

Yesterday was pretty difficult. My best friend called me and laid out her concerns in a way she never had before and it was hard to hear.  She told me she is scared for me and she is angry with me for not recognizing that I am in an abusive relationship.  She started reading definitions from different sites she had found about emotional abuse and asked me what the hell I was doing staying in my marriage without demanding big changes.  She asked me why I was justifying all of his behaviors based on his mental health. And then she cried - and she has never ever cried, in over 20 years, like that.  It was really hard to hear. She has tried to talk to me about these issues before, but I guess I just never really heard her or the information she was sharing.  
 

I called my therapist right away and asked for a session and my therapist said she agreed with my friend’s assessment.  And then she asked me what I wanted - not what I wanted to do, but what I wanted at this point in my life.  And I couldn’t answer.  I want to be happy, I know that.  But I don’t know that I can even recognize what that is at this point.  And that scares me more than anything else.

I am not sure what’s next.  But I know that I need to make some changes and I am scared about what that means.  Not sure what I am looking for in posting this. I guess I just need to tell the universe that I am starting to understand what I have been missing. 

 

 

[glows]

You come out of a situation like that like emerging from a fog. I'm sorry this is happening or that all these things have led up to this. I agree it is abusive. Marriage counselling for an abusive situation is not helpful/recommended. Start arming yourself with more information and support, continue seeing your therapist. Make a decision for your kids and for your own future. You know, the money is immaterial but your mental health and peace of mind come first. Take care of your finances, see a lawyer in private to get the legal info required before you file or make any big decisions.

Be strong for your kids. I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather, uncle and aunt. 

I think you are surviving without processing what's going on and in a state of constant need to survive, not at rest but functioning at very high level of stress. It shouldn't be this way.

[IrinaM]

i think you should stay gone from this "marriage." your husband sounds like a complete pos.

loving another person with "mental illness" becomes a problem when you enable their abuse. It infuriates me reading about abusive men who manage to emotionally manipulate their victims into thinking it's the victim's responsibility to "help" the abuser, that it's the abuser who's really suffering. i never really accept that abusive men have all these deep internal problems, like low self-esteem, family-of-origin etc, that can be treated. To me they seem happy as can be, so long as they have a punching bag. you might like the books:

"character disturbance" George K. Simon

"but he says he loves me" Dina McMillan

and "why does he do that" Lundy Bancroft

I worked at a strip club for years, there is NO WAY your husband just wandered in there, while stumbling around under stress after an argument, and then somehow magically solicited a stripper for sexual acts in exchange for money, because of anxiety. The same men came in ALL the time looking to pay for whatever they wanted.

Did I read correctly that you make MUCH more money than he does? So as I see it, he doesn't have anything to offer you. You need to be very calculating and strategic when you deal with abusers, because you have to protect yourself.

There is no way I would agree to stand by this "man" while he seeks counseling. He will use any "tricks"  learned in counseling to further abuse you. (Like, for example, blaming his selfish disgusting cheating on anxiety). File for divorce, file for custody of your children. If he decides to see a counselor, nobody will stop him. DO NOT agree to take him back under conditions that he does x y or z. If he is serious about changing he will do all that by himself. If he understands how wrong it is to abuse another, he won't need ultimatums or directions. A promise to do better is not enough to win you back. Being on best behavior for a few months is not nearly enough either. I would not take him back for at least a few years, but probably never.

For now, get that loser out of your house! He can't live in a condo alone and pay for prostitutes while making, what, 15% of the family income? he needs to go stay with his family, or in a rented room, or in a homeless shelter, let him figure that out. You will need help from attorneys and law enforcement to extricate yourself from all this. It's not going to be fun, but DO IT FOR YOU.

And please, do not continue any further conversation with him about his mental health, his anxiety, your family, your relationship, his promises for the rosey future that you must believe, rehashing the past and listening to his apologies, etc. Don't entertain any of that. Abusive men are extremely good at luring their victims back. You need to get out of your feelings and just deal in facts.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/29/2021 at 1:52 PM, findingmenow said:

My best friend called me and laid out her concerns in a way she never had before and it was hard to hear.  She told me she is scared for me and she is angry with me for not recognizing that I am in an abusive relationship.  She started reading definitions from different sites she had found about emotional abuse and asked me what the hell I was doing staying in my marriage without demanding big changes.  She asked me why I was justifying all of his behaviors based on his mental health. And then she cried - and she has never ever cried, in over 20 years, like that.  It was really hard to hear. She has tried to talk to me about these issues before, but I guess I just never really heard her or the information she was sharing.  

Your friend is a blessing. Friends like these are rare. Let her help you get to a better place. I hope you also express to her your gratitude for her. 

Mental health issues are tough, but you still must take care of you and children, which means putting those needs above your husband's sometimes or often. If you break down, what will be left of your family. Help yourself and help your kids. Take help from others.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/29/2021 at 2:01 PM, glows said:

 

I think you are surviving without processing what's going on and in a state of constant need to survive, not at rest but functioning at very high level of stress. It shouldn't be this way.

Good point. The mind and body can only go for so long in this state before it starts to break down from the stress. Break down means going horizontal for weeks or months at a time. 

[Mark5]

On 7/29/2021 at 10:52 AM, findingmenow said:

I am not sure what’s next.  But I know that I need to make some changes and I am scared about what that means.  Not sure what I am looking for in posting this. I guess I just need to tell the universe that I am starting to understand what I have been missing. 

 

 

After 20 years of marriage, do you stay with him because of true love?  Or is it the more likely answer that you're stuck in a routine that's familiar.  By the way, he should be asking himself that same question. People fear change so much that they would rather stay in a bad situation because it's more comfortable than the unknown.   

Another mutual question that both you and your husband should ask yourselves is what kind of message does this send to your children? 

I hope you find happiness.

 

 

[Globug]

I see SO much of me and my life in you. 

I married a narcist, emotional, and verbal abuser. His childhood was so terrible and horrific that if I wrote a book about it some people would think it fiction. I came into the marriage thinking I knew all his demons & that it was ok because I had such a support system I could help him through all his issues. I lived through drug use, EXTREME alcoholism, screaming, yelling, name calling, and then even worse for me the long long long bouts of the silent treatment. He could admit he had problems. He told me himself he was a narcissist but counseling he would not do. There was always a "reason" he acted or did what he did. Not just complete acceptance he messed up & he would do anything to fix it. During the "good times" he was the most charming, doting, adoring, serve me hand and foot spouse. I thought I just needed to pray harder, be kinder, make sure EVERYONE in our bubble acted a certain way or said a certain thing to keep the anger and extreme actions at bay. I even went to counseling to see how I could be a BETTER SUPPORT system to him. I also always quit when they all told me to leave him. LOL I am a strong, beautiful woman. I have an amazing career and make more money then he did. NO ONE rather it be co-worker, stranger, friend, or family DARE disrespect me because I knew my worth...... with everyone but him.

It was not until I accepted a project where we had to live apart for awhile that I started really evaluating my worth and what I wanted for my future. When he finally hit his rock bottom (not what your spouse did but still a betrayal in my eyes) and he called sharing his betrayal and grief and fears it is like a light bulb went off in me. How long am I going to keep okaying his choices? He messes up, apologizes, and then expects me to pick up and fix the mess. This had been our dance for 20 years. I still loved him, I still even hurt for him but I couldn't fix anymore. He was actually at his lowest when I told him I was done. I would still love him, care about him, be his friend but I could not live this life anymore. At first he got angry & said he would not be given ultimatum & he was "fine" but I stayed firm & I had no anger. I was not threatening. It just was a fact to me that I could no longer live like this. I didn't even say the word divorce but I did say I could not live with someone who was living the way he was. When I finally reached that point.. and I meant it, and followed through with actions he got help. He made the appointments. He did the IC. He got rid of influences. He got rid of alcohol. He did the hard work. We are still married. He is still my love. What he isn't anymore is a verbal, abusive, alcoholic, angry person. I honestly cannot tell you the last time he raised his voice at me. I am not saying you have to quit & walk away but you might need to for awhile. There is a couple of sayings I have kept in the forefront of my head. One is,  "What you permit, you promote." and the other is "Let go of the rope or be hanged." 

 

And one last thing: NO YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! You are not responsible for ANY part of his actions!!

Edited August 25, 2021 by Globug

[Indigo Night]

Take the break that you need. Go to your parents, and work on the contract. Catch your breath.

Check in with your husband. Maybe what he needs is done time alone to understand what driving you away feels lake. 

 

Good luck.

 

If he cheats again, don't be so quick to let it slide.