do men use 'coworker' or 'friend' as code for another woman?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

I've been seeing a new guy for a few weeks now. 

I'm not sure if my feelings are "woman's intuition" or just overthinking and reading too much into something. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with my guy, and he told me pretty early on in the day that he had plans later on, around 6 o clock....which was fine. No big deal, I had to get going before/around that time anyway. So, during the course of the day, I asked him casually (not interrogating, not suspecting anything, just casually in passing) what his plans were for the evening. His response was that he was headed to a coworker's house to pick up some computer equipment he had loaned out. Okay fine. 

I thought it was a bit strange to have standing plans to go pickup some borrowed equipment. Normally, I would expect it to be a stop by whenever thing. Or, maybe you call/text and see if you can head over here in a few minutes/an hour/ after lunch/etc. But....at 8 am to have plans at 6 pm to pick up some equipment just seems strange to me. But...I figured maybe the person he was picking it up from wasn't going to be around their house till later in the evening or something. Whatever. 

In the meantime, he has been hot and cold and a bit distant lately. Still...I've been extraordinarily busy myself, so I don't notice that much, and I don't take it too personally if he happens to be just as busy as I am. But....during those brief moments of rest here and there, it does come to my mind that he HAS been pretty scarce lately. 

So, then we were talking today, and he said he would talk to me soon (we'll see), and that he was taking a coworker for a drive. Hmmmm....okay. So, I'm not sure if "coworker" is code for another woman...or maybe it's a female coworker. 

I have no specific reason to suspect such a thing....(and even if he was, we're not exclusive, so he would have no reason to lie to me about it), other than his scarcity lately. An ex of mine, toward the end, would often talk about his "aunt" and I eventually surmised that when he talked about things like going to brunch with his aunt, he was actually talking about this other girl. (That he started dating pretty much immediately after breaking up with me, citing his need to be by himself for a while) So, while I have no reason to suspect him to make up a "coworker," I firsthand know how people can fib sometimes. Not comparing the new guy to my ex, but...using my life experience to prepare for the possibilities of anything, if that makes sense.

Have you ever lied about who you had plans with....maybe told the truth about the plans, but lied about the person you were going with? Am I overthinking? Anything I should be concerned about? Anything I should do to keep my guard up? 

[basil67]

I would always make plans ahead for picking up something from a friend, so I don't think his actions regarding making plans are unusual at all.  I'd be likely to take him on face value.  That said, some people are discreet when multi dating while others are quite open about it, so if he is still seeing someone else, he's probably not so much fibbing as being discreet.

You could always ask him if he's seeing others.  If you're sexually active, then you especially have a right to know.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I would always make plans ahead for picking up something from a friend, so I don't think his actions regarding making plans are unusual at all.  I'd be likely to take him on face value.  That said, some people are discreet when multi dating while others are quite open about it, so if he is still seeing someone else, he's probably not so much fibbing as being discreet.

You could always ask him if he's seeing others.  If you're sexually active, then you especially have a right to know.

Hmmmm, I tend to disagree. Saying, "I'm going to dinner right now, talk to you later" is discreet. It's also the truth. (assuming it's the truth) Saying, "I'm heading to dinner with a friend" could also be construed as the truth as well. I'm not mad at it. 

Saying, "I'm going somewhere with a coworker" when in fact you are actually going out on a date or going somewhere with another woman....that's not discreet. That's lying. 

 

I agree totally on your second count. Although to me, it's kind of an obvious thing. If you are regularly having sex with multiple people, it's expected that you would let those people know. To me, the only reason you wouldn't let said people know is: A) there are not multiple people you are sleeping with B) You are a sociopath, and you don't care who you spread what diseases to or C) There is more to the story, like....you are married or something to that effect (Which I am pretty certain is not the case here)

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

43 minutes ago, Olivia24 said:

I wouldnt  be  concerned about  it  just yet. As you say, you arent exclusive. Dont work yourself  up over it. Let  it  go for awhile and see what  happens. One time i had  just started dating a guy  and  he  hold  me  he was  going to visit his  brother  in North Carolina for the weekend. Saw  him Saturday evening with a girl in his  car, lol. Since we  had  just started dating  it wasnt a  big deal.

Fair enough. I mean....to me, it WOULD be a big deal. 

Because it would mean he was lying. And, lying IS a big deal. 

And beyond the lying, then you have to look into...why is he lying? Is it because he is more interested in this other girl? Or is he in a committed relationship, and you're the side piece? And how long has he been lying to you? And so on and so forth. 

[Miss Spider]

Xxxxx

Edited July 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Fair enough. I mean....to me, it WOULD be a big deal. 

Because it would mean he was lying. And, lying IS a big deal. 

And beyond the lying, then you have to look into...why is he lying? Is it because he is more interested in this other girl? Or is he in a committed relationship, and you're the side piece? And how long has he been lying to you? And so on and so forth. 

Bc telling the person you’re casually dating  you’re “going to go bang someone else” typically doesn’t go over that well

 

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Both women or men can do that, but I noticed you said you are ‘seeing’ him.  Are you exclusive/in rship?? If not, he could just have been being polite about seeing another woman. That makes sense if he is distant a lot. 

 

We are not. And yes, it does make sense....which is why I was thinking it might be a possibility. Hope I'm wrong. But, I may not be. 

At the same time, I am not sure I understand the politeness aspect. Polite would be saying you are going somewhere with a friend, or not specifying that you were going to be with anyone at all. 

But making up a person or a situation entirely....to me that's not polite; that's deceiving. 

 

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Bc telling the person you’re casually dating  you’re “going to go bang someone else” typically doesn’t go over well 

 

I mean....I get that. But...as adults...the adult thing to do, for the sexual health of your partner(s) would be to be candid with them, so that they can make a decision for their own health whether to continue a sexual relationship or not. 

[basil67]

I think you're getting ahead of yourself here.   First, ask if he's seeing someone else.  If you find out that he is AND you find out if he lied about being with that person, then you have the information you need to make a judgement call.  

 

[Miss Spider]

I agree with you,  but I think people feel the whole white lie is justifiable if they’re not cheating or they’re using protection or whatever. Best not to think about what if’s he’s doing as a ‘free man’, if you ask me… You could drive yourself crazy with that. It’s best to just don’t ask don’t tell on that front until you guys go exclusive/define the rship/become a couple. 
 

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you are right to be worried and right to pick up his weirdness.

You've been seeing this guy a few weeks (even without exclusivity). Well, after a few weeks, partners go out of their way to make the other partner comfortable. So if I'm going to see a woman colleague for something routine, I'll announce that visit with details and specifics to reassure my dating interest (all without saying "I"m reassuring you). And the sharp women I've dated (even before things reached exclusivity) did the same for me if they were going to interact with a male colleague or friend or some event that they had previously planned. That's called social skill, and I say that without much pride, cause I'm still learning it. 

So yes, be worried. Absolutely. You don't want to feel like you have to ignore ANYTHING at this point. At this point you guys should be having fun and you want to get a sense of being impressed by the guy and feeling safe with the guy. At this point, you want to be somewhat suspicious and critical because that's the only way you can notice red flags. This guy's vagueness on his plans seems to show that he either has bad, no terrible, social skills (no awareness of what a dating partner might be thinking) or he's not into you and he's still out there dating.

I don't see how either one of those is a win for you. 

So sounds like it's time to chill on your part and see what happens. I hesitate saying confront him or talk to him, because you guys haven't gone exclusive yet but mostly because you want to dump this guy is this behavior continues. You do not want to be working hard to not be worried at this stage of a relationship. Working hard (emotionally working hard, thinking a lot, containing your jealousy, working to push away concern and worry about the other person's interest--any and all of that) is a major red flag indicating that you are probably not with someone who is emotionally safe for you, not someone you will really sync with.

And him being even a little scarce, absolutely red flag at this point of the relationship. Absolutely. I could be working 20 hours a day and if I'm into a woman (and I mean into them as in very interested in dating even before exclusivity) I'd absolutely find a way to stay in touch and to let them to know I'm interested.  I can show the woman my interest even if I have a very busy week. 

If you've gotten your hopes us, I would damp them down.  I don't think this guy is a keeper, not that you even "have" him yet. 

 

[glows]

It depends what you want out of this. If it’s not exclusive nor is it ever something you’re interested in enjoy your time together. My advice is to figure out what you want and do not settle for anything else.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

. Not comparing the new guy to my ex, but...

Ok it's just dating a few weeks, you're not exclusive and you're worried about "another woman",so it may not work out.

Were you cheated on in the past?

You seem to have your radar on overdrive including the term "another woman", even though you barely know each other and aren't exclusive.

If you think there are red flags 🚩 for you stop seeing him.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I thought it was a bit strange to have standing plans to go pickup some borrowed equipment. Normally, I would expect it to be a stop by whenever thing. Or, maybe you call/text and see if you can head over here in a few minutes/an hour/ after lunch/etc.

I actually don't agree on this point. If someone is coming by my house, I need to coordinate a time with them. I do not like vague indications, because I generally have other things going on. So to me, "Hey, can you swing by around 6? I have to do X,Y,Z tomorrow afternoon but should be home by then" is perfectly reasonable and efficient. You're reading too much into that particular incident, I think. 

As for who he's taking for a drive, well, that is anyone's guess. I don't think you can automatically assume anything about that, one way or the other. There's just not enough information. 

I think you're seeing these things through an anxious filter because you feel he is scarce and you two are not exclusive. I would take this time to step back and observe a bit. See if he initiates more contact and dates. If he doesn't, then have a chat about where he's at with things between you. 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

and that he was taking a coworker for a drive.

Men don't normally take other men for "a drive".  They might do them a favor and drop them off somewhere like the airport, home depot, but not for a drive.  Why don't you ask him if his coworker has a name next time.  Instead of wondering just ask.  What harm can it do?

[mark clemson]

Quote

do men use 'coworker' or 'friend' as code for another woman?

Addressing this question generally, no doubt some men do this sometimes. However, I can hardly think of something more anxiety/paranoia-inducing than worrying about this. Hardly fuel for an emotionally healthy relationship.

If you're not yet exclusive, assume he's seeing other women/people. If you're not OK with that, ask to be exclusive. If he says "no" then you have your answer and know this situation isn't for you. If he says yes, then trust but occasionally verify. If you found out he lied/cheated at some point you can take it from there.

Edited July 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I thought it was a bit strange to have standing plans to go pickup some borrowed equipment.

he was taking a coworker for a drive.

It's not strange at all to set a time to go to someone's place, especially in a professional relationship. Why were you asking him his plans anyway? Just suggest a get together and when is a good time.

So what if he is driving a coworker somewhere?  So what if the coworker is female? 

Even if he is still talking to and meeting others, (which hopefully you are as well since you are not exclusive) it's not really your business.

Tone down the suspiciousness, especially if you are starting to do OLD again.

 

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Have you ever lied about who you had plans with....maybe told the truth about the plans, but lied about the person you were going with?

No... I'd say the name of the person I was going with.  I mean, they do have a name, right?

Quote

Am I overthinking?

Depends... for me, the fact that his "friend" and "coworker" doesn't have a first name is odd, but not enough for my spider senses to be tingling.  HOWEVER, taking a nameless "friend" or "coworker" on a drive would have them sparkling.  Is it work related? Is it a date?  The fact that he won't say their name, yet doing this, for me, is a problem.  For most people, it usually flows:

"what'choo got up this evening?"

"Oh, me and Dave are going for a drive..."

Generally speaking, him saying "oh me and Kayla are going for a drive", what would have been your reaction? That's what he's trying to avoid.

If he's acting "cool" lately and other behaviors you find to be inconsistent, just take an energetic step back from him--you haven't been dating him long enough just yet... you're heading into the "dismissing the 'on their best behavior' representatives" and the real you and the real him are coming to the fore... and the real him might be economical with his details on his "friends" and "coworkers". 

Just take a huge step back for the moment and observe.

Keep your eyes peeled for inconsistencies... lies can never stay buried. They always break through to the surface when the liar can least afford for it to.

Edited July 21, 2021 by kendahke

[Mrin]

In general, men will use "friend" when they don't want to disclose that the person is a woman that they are interested in.

You typically see it with dudes using the term with an ex when they still have feelings for the ex and don't want the ex to know that they're attracted to another woman.

I'm not sure how that plays out in this situation except that it makes sense.