I've broken up with my pregnant ex and I don't know what to do.

[Darren90s]

There is a history between me and her that I could elaborate on, but the jist of it is that at the beginning of the year she had a miscarriage, and it was put down to hormones and admittedly she was acting different around about that time. 

But we fast forward to the past few weeks, we live in different cities. So every few weeks I was driving down to see her for the weekend and we had known for a while she pregnant. Everything was fine when I was down, but when I came up the road again, I never heard anything from her for about 5 days. Not a peep. Naturally, I begun to get a little worried that something was wrong so texted her asking how she was, and she wasn't exactly very pleasant back. She said she was fine, and that's she's always fine but was just enjoying peace and quiet. I mentioned rearranging me next coming down to coincide with the scan that was coming up and she ignored the text. Waited 2 or 3 days again, and asked her what was going on because she wasn't responding to my question about the scan, and asked if she was okay. Again, she wasn't to pleasant, "ffs I'm fine" was how the text started and again she told me that she was just enjoying peace and quiet, again ignored my question about the scan. 

So a few more days passed, and I decided to phone her. She didn't answer. So I texted her and said "guess that's a no then" in reference to the scan. Waited about 20 mins and phoned again, no answer. So I texted her and asked if she thought this was normal, Im trying to establish if I'm coming down for the scan etc, and as I sent it she sent a text back saying she was (poorly spelt) "f*cking sleeping' and I woke her up. So out of anger I said, so were you sleeping all the other times I've asked about the scan and the response I got was 'get to f*ck you f***ing idiot'. I responded by saying that she was acting unreal, and I'm simply asking about the scan and she responded by saying I'm like a dog who needs a pat on the head to reassure me everything is fine. I again mentioned the scan to no avail. Ignored.

A few days passed, and it was approaching when I would normally of been driving to hers, so I texted her again and asked how she was. And if I was coming to the scan. She responded and again said she was fine, just enjoying peace and quiet and that I could come down the day before the scan and come with her the next day. Admittedly, I waneed to know if we were okay at this point so asked that to her, and said that if felt like we weren't. No response. 

So the weekend came around, and on the Sunday night I asked her what time she wanted me round the next day, no response. Then that night, I was in a chat in an app we are both in, my chat to be precise and she comes on at stupid o'clock, makes a snarky comment about us doing nothing productive and leaves the group. I message her privately and ask if that was a dig at me. She says it was a dig at the entire chat so I just asked her again if she wanted me down the next day. She tells me not to bother. By this point I'm just annoyed, and ask her wtf is going on, and tell her if she's planning on stopping me coming to this scan I'll never forgive her. Heat of the moment but it did mean alot to me. She calls me a mongel and says she's going to bed.

So the next day, the day I'm meant to be coming down, I phone her in the morning twice. No answer. (Common theme) I text her say I wanted to be there today, wanted to see her and wanted to be there for the scan. No response. So I decide to go with my mum, down there to stay at my mums pals. I wanted to be there encase she changed her mind, so went to her spot when we got down. She didn't look happy to see me tbh. Asked me what I was doing there, so I just said I was staying at my mums friends and just wanted to know if I was coming to the scan. She said she didn't know, so I dumped her out of anger. Then went to her fathers house to express my concern at her behaviour. Not out of malice, but concern. I just didn't get why she didn't want me there and her actions to date were not her. Her dad phoned her when I was there and she wasn't happy.

 

Anyways, the next day came and I was able to find out where and when the scan was. So decided to go, and wait outside. She arrived and again didn't look happy to see me. Said I just never listen (not sure what that means because I'd been getting mixed messages) and walked past me. I asked her if I was coming in and she ignored me, so I then asked if she would at least tell me how it goes. She said yes. She comes out with a scan pic, tells me the due date etc and said she would message me when her next appointment is. So I say "so is that it for us then?" And she replies with "I'm not ready to talk to you right now". I respond with "well I just want you to know I'm not going anywhere" and she again says "I'm not ready to talk to you right now". I offered a lift but she said she was going to a pals, and we parted ways. I texted her later to thank her for the pic, and that I loved her and that baby already. No response.

So several days had passed since then, and I decided to text her and say I was missing her and her wee ones, as she's got other kids. She responds by saying that she was only going to tell me this once, that we weren't getting back together. So I responded by again asking why she didn't want me at the scan, and said that her behaviour had been appalling. She tells me to f*ck off in all caps, so I say she's created this. All I want to know is why she didn't want me at the scan and she just asks if I'm ******** because f*ck off means no to text her back. 

So that was it. 2 days later, she blocks me on the xbox of all places, blocks me on her kids accounts too despite me no messaging them. Then yesterday blocks me on the very app we met on. Despite me no messaging her. She's probably blocked my number too. I've no idea what to do. She's pregnant. Is this hormones? Is this it? I know anybody reading this can't answer that for me but I'm devastated. Living in different cities, and being completed cut off when we should be sorting it out. And from time to time I see her on the app, but she's blocked me. I don't understand any of this. This will be my first child, and she was my first true love. I'm heart broken. Whether it's temporary or not is anyone's guess.

Edited July 21, 2021 by Darren90s

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Darren90s said:

we live in different cities. So every few weeks I was driving down to see her for the weekend and we had known for a while she pregnant.

Are there plans to live as a family? Are either of you married/in other relationships?

It's unclear why you would start a family when you don't live together or even get along well.

Where is her children's father? 

Not sure if it's "hormones", but she seems hostile toward you and unhappy.

[Darren90s]

A month ago we were discussing finding a place together then all of a sudden things just changed. Admittedly the pregnancy wasn't planned but we were talking about moving into together. And as for the father of her other boys, he is a dead beat, bad history between the two from my understanding. 

[stillafool]

Are you even sure the baby she's carrying is yours?  She certainly isn't acting like you're the father but more like an intruder.  If I were you I would stop begging, chasing her and leave her alone.  If you are the baby's father you will hear from her sooner or later but stop contacting her because she's made it clear she doesn't want you to bother her.

[DKT3]

I second that...I would also talk to the others kids father,  maybe common behavior. 

[glows]

She said you weren't getting back together implying a break up. You seem in severe denial about some major issues in the relationship, as if things are going well or should be progressing as a couple. I suggest you have a sit down with yourself and have good think about the way things have unfolded and do not go down the route blaming this on her hormones. That is a cop out and too easy of an excuse not to accept that over means over. 

Despite all the signs suggesting that your presence was unwanted, you kept pestering her about the scan and when or what time to be there. I think you are fighting the inevitable that this relationship is completely over. She already said she would text you the date and time of the next appointment. Her response was business-like and she told you you were not getting back together. Leave it at that and move on with your life. If you want to be there for the baby, do so. Do not expect anything out of the relationship and do not try to get back together with her or make any comments about her other kids or other aspects of her life. 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, glows said:

She said you weren't getting back together implying a break up. You seem in severe denial about some major issues in the relationship, as if things are going well or should be progressing as a couple. I suggest you have a sit down with yourself and have good think about the way things have unfolded and do not go down the route blaming this on her hormones. That is a cop out and too easy of an excuse not to accept that over means over. 

Despite all the signs suggesting that your presence was unwanted, you kept pestering her about the scan and when or what time to be there. I think you are fighting the inevitable that this relationship is completely over. She already said she would text you the date and time of the next appointment. Her response was business-like and she told you you were not getting back together. Leave it at that and move on with your life. If you want to be there for the baby, do so. Do not expect anything out of the relationship and do not try to get back together with her or make any comments about her other kids or other aspects of her life. 

So if I cheat on my wife/gf,  can I imply that she was ok with it?

Please lets not make it out that he is in the wrong,  she isn't communicating with him. Had the roles been reversed and he was avoiding her would you be implying that she was in denial?

[glows]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

So if I cheat on my wife/gf,  can I imply that she was ok with it?

Please lets not make it out that he is in the wrong,  she isn't communicating with him. Had the roles been reversed and he was avoiding her would you be implying that she was in denial?

His post has nothing to do with cheating. They broke up. This means he has no business asking her how she's feeling or finding out more about her personal life or her kids. It's about the scan and it's clear his other texts were not welcome. He was also not welcome at the scan or appointment which was unfortunate but the more he keeps pushing for answers in the manner he has, the less and less receptive the other person will be. The tension is hostile at this point so my advice is to cool off and take her last response as final on the outcome of the next appointment. She will let him know when it is next. 

Yes, if the roles were reversed and she was pestering him about his feelings and not understanding a break up means over, she would also be in denial.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Darren90s said:

Admittedly the pregnancy wasn't planned but we were talking about moving into together. the father of her other boys a dead beat

How long have you been dating? How old is she? With all this drama, best thing to do is step back and if she files for child support, get a paternity test. You may have dodged a bullet, she seems a bit irresponsible.

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, Darren90s said:

Admittedly the pregnancy wasn't planned

But she had a miscarriage in January!?! Don’t you guys use birth control? 2 pregnancies in a time period of 6 months?

She obviously doesn’t want a relationship with you. Are you sure you’re the biological father of her unborn? She definitely doesn’t treat you like her child’s father. She actually sounds like she’s resenting you. Something must’ve happened if she treats you like garbage, not wanting you there for doctor’s appointments, etc. I understand why you broke up with her. There was just such poor communication between you, and she doesn’t sound like she wanted to communicate or have you in her life at all. It also sounds like she wanted you to break up, just so she didn’t have to do the dirty work, and now she’s relieved and tells you there’s no way back. Makes sense if you look at the big picture. 

She’s definitely acting dismissive. Only you know why and what happened. 

[DKT3]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

His post has nothing to do with cheating. They broke up. This means he has no business asking her how she's feeling or finding out more about her personal life or her kids. It's about the scan and it's clear his other texts were not welcome. He was also not welcome at the scan or appointment which was unfortunate but the more he keeps pushing for answers in the manner he has, the less and less receptive the other person will be. The tension is hostile at this point so my advice is to cool off and take her last response as final on the outcome of the next appointment. She will let him know when it is next. 

Yes, if the roles were reversed and she was pestering him about his feelings and not understanding a break up means over, she would also be in denial.

My point is assuming or implying stuff will create a person who can't maintain a healthy relationship.  

Personally I would ghost her from this point until she contacted me or until close to her due day. But I'm older and wiser, I can recognize a toxic person. A minimum of 3 kids and no father in sight if she continues her path...

[Acacia98]

Maybe you're not the kid's father.

Maybe you are but she doesn't want you in the kid's life. These are just two out of many possibilities.

I strongly advice that you leave her alone. But consult a lawyer to find out what your rights regarding the child will be when he/she is born if he/she is yours.

Edited July 21, 2021 by Acacia98

[assertives]

Has she always been like that towards you or is her behaviour uncharacteristic? Bearing a brain tumor or mental illness, I can't see a reason for her to be this hostile towards you out of the blue especially if things between you guys have been going well and there have been plans/talks about the future. There seems to be a whole lot missing from this story.

[Pumpernickel]

1 minute ago, assertives said:

There seems to be a whole lot missing from this story.

That’s what I thought 

[Darren90s]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Are you even sure the baby she's carrying is yours?  She certainly isn't acting like you're the father but more like an intruder.  If I were you I would stop begging, chasing her and leave her alone.  If you are the baby's father you will hear from her sooner or later but stop contacting her because she's made it clear she doesn't want you to bother her.

I have no reason to believe that I'm not the father no. She'd been single for 6 years and from what she's told me, and from what cousins had told me when I was down there with them all, she doesn't get out much. But yeah, I'm leaving her alone now. I wouldn't say I've been begging or anything like that, just don't understand how we went from talking about getting a house together to this. I've been totally cut out. There's been a lack of communication. Communication that could of avoided all of this 

[Darren90s]

52 minutes ago, glows said:

His post has nothing to do with cheating. They broke up. This means he has no business asking her how she's feeling or finding out more about her personal life or her kids. It's about the scan and it's clear his other texts were not welcome. He was also not welcome at the scan or appointment which was unfortunate but the more he keeps pushing for answers in the manner he has, the less and less receptive the other person will be. The tension is hostile at this point so my advice is to cool off and take her last response as final on the outcome of the next appointment. She will let him know when it is next. 

Yes, if the roles were reversed and she was pestering him about his feelings and not understanding a break up means over, she would also be in denial.

I must also add that she had already told me I was coming to the scan a month ago, hence why I was asking about it. It just didn't make sense to me how we left on good terms, and she went total silent. And I always waited a few days before asking again how she was etc but she kept biting my head off. Making me think it might of just been hormones because she was acting very odd. But I am giving her space now. But in the meantime I have to keep wondering what has gone wrong because as far as I was aware, nothing was.

[Darren90s]

10 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

That’s what I thought 

I'm being genuinely serious. Around new year she was acting very odd, different and we had a massive fallout over the head of it and barely spoke for a while. Then she had a miscarriage and she told me after the fact that when she went to the hospital they checked her hormones and they were off the charts. And she beleives that's why she was acting differently. But we rebuilt our relationship and things had been decent. Wouldn't say perfect, but we were seeing eachother regularly and were even beginning to talk about moving into together. If there's something missing from this story them it's something she thinks I've done but I can't be any more open when I say I've no idea what.

[Darren90s]

16 minutes ago, assertives said:

Has she always been like that towards you or is her behaviour uncharacteristic? Bearing a brain tumor or mental illness, I can't see a reason for her to be this hostile towards you out of the blue especially if things between you guys have been going well and there have been plans/talks about the future. There seems to be a whole lot missing from this story.

Things had been rocky around new year. And we had the odd fall out here and there after that and yeah sometimes her behaviour has been irrational. Falling out with when she's been drunk and blocking me everywhere, but it was always resolved in the morning and this didn't happen all the time. So this is what I don't understand about any of this. When I was speaking to her father, he told me she had been in good spirits showing him a house she had found for us. She had also told her father on the Saturday that I was coming down for the scan on the Monday yet on the Sunday night tells me not to come down anymore. I think why you might think there's something missing from all of this is because I can only say what I'm seeing. I don't know what's going on.

[Darren90s]

21 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Maybe you're not the kid's father.

Maybe you are but she doesn't want you in the kid's life. These are just two out of many possibilities.

I strongly advice that you leave her alone. But consult a lawyer to find out what your rights regarding the child will be when he/she is born if he/she is yours.

I'm no going to contact her again, and I have considered these things as heart breaking as it is to think about. But she's even told her parents that I'm the father so I'm no sure I beleive I'm not. Somethings just bothering her, or its hormones. Idk. I really don't 

[Darren90s]

52 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

But she had a miscarriage in January!?! Don’t you guys use birth control? 2 pregnancies in a time period of 6 months?

She obviously doesn’t want a relationship with you. Are you sure you’re the biological father of her unborn? She definitely doesn’t treat you like her child’s father. She actually sounds like she’s resenting you. Something must’ve happened if she treats you like garbage, not wanting you there for doctor’s appointments, etc. I understand why you broke up with her. There was just such poor communication between you, and she doesn’t sound like she wanted to communicate or have you in her life at all. It also sounds like she wanted you to break up, just so she didn’t have to do the dirty work, and now she’s relieved and tells you there’s no way back. Makes sense if you look at the big picture. 

She’s definitely acting dismissive. Only you know why and what happened. 

I'm beginning to think your comment is the reality if I'm honest. Can't think of any other rational explanation. And as for your last paragrah. I really don't know why or what happened.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Darren90s said:

She wasn't pleasant, ffs I'm fine" was how the text started and again she told me that she was just enjoying peace and quiet, again ignored my question about the scan. 

I texted her and asked if she thought this was normal, Im trying to establish if I'm coming down for the scan etc, and as I sent it she sent a text back saying she was (poorly spelt) "f*cking sleeping' and I woke her up. So out of anger I said, so were you sleeping all the other times I've asked about the scan and the response I got was 'get to f*ck you f***ing idiot'.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but DUDE!!  Could you not sense from all the verbal abuse she was tossing at you that she was irritated as hell and wanted to be left ALONE?

Why did you keep pestering her, as @glowshad asked?  You exacerbated an already toxic situation by your continuing to text and call ad nauseum, hounding her for answers re this "scan," what is a scan anyway?

Yeah I get YOU wanted answers but basic common sense should tell you when a woman responds with "ffs..." or she is "f*cking sleeping and you woke her up OR "f*ck you, you f*cking idiot, you leave her alone!!

Lord, I would have been GONE after the first "ffs..."   That right there shows she was extremely irritated, she asked for some peace and quiet, the respectful thing would have been to give it to her, and left her alone.

Again, apologies if that sounded harsh but the way she spoke to you was verbal abuse and no person should ever tolerate that.... let alone continue to chase them seeking answers.

 

 

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

30 minutes ago, Darren90s said:

I'm no going to contact her again, and I have considered these things as heart breaking as it is to think about. But she's even told her parents that I'm the father so I'm no sure I beleive I'm not. Somethings just bothering her, or its hormones. Idk. I really don't 

Okay... Let's assume you are the father then. I happen to know somebody who does this to the fathers (plural) of her children. She wants the kids, but she doesn't want to share them with their fathers. She has managed to convince everyone that the dads are deadbeats. The reality is that she pushed them away, alienated them, was so hostile to them that (unfortunately), they gave up trying to have relationships with their kids. The alienation began when she was pregnant. It was a sudden and unexpected change from her previously loving behavior.

It sounds like, beyond what she told you, you don't actually know why her kids' dad is not in their lives. Maybe she was similarly hostile to him.

If I were you, I'd spend this time finding out what actually happened to him. I would also (more importantly) consult a lawyer about how I would go about having a relationship with my child when he/she was born.

It is entirely possible that I am wrong, of course. So weigh all the possibilities that make sense and consistently do the right thing (ethically) by her (for instance, continuing to leave her alone if that's what she wants) and by the coming child (for instance, laying the groundwork to build a relationship with him/her). Just don't spend too much time being bewildered. See that lawyer...

Edited July 21, 2021 by Acacia98

[glows]

40 minutes ago, Darren90s said:

I must also add that she had already told me I was coming to the scan a month ago, hence why I was asking about it. It just didn't make sense to me how we left on good terms, and she went total silent. And I always waited a few days before asking again how she was etc but she kept biting my head off. Making me think it might of just been hormones because she was acting very odd. But I am giving her space now. But in the meantime I have to keep wondering what has gone wrong because as far as I was aware, nothing was.

Something is very wrong and I am very sorry you're in so much confusion. You're both broken up at this point and she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. You dumped her out of anger because she was keeping you out of the loop or trying to avoid you. Yet you kept trying to reach out even though it was clear she doesn't want to speak to you.

She may not want to discuss breaking up with you for her own reasons but continuing to ask why or ask her how she's feeling won't help the matter. It will gain you more hostility and she has made it clear she doesn't want to get back together with you. Don't contact her father or her family for information or try to fish for more details about her personal life. I second speaking to a lawyer about your rights and getting a paternity test later on. As far as the relationship goes, it's best you move on. Focus on a relationship with the child if that child is yours.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

.... what is a scan anyway?

You can disregard this question, I figured it out.

Everything else in my post still stands.

Agree with @glows, best to move on, this one is dead in the water, I'm sorry.

[clia]

4 hours ago, Darren90s said:

There is a history between me and her that I could elaborate on, but the jist of it is that at the beginning of the year she had a miscarriage, and it was put down to hormones and admittedly she was acting different around about that time. 

But we fast forward to the past few weeks, we live in different cities. So every few weeks I was driving down to see her for the weekend and we had known for a while she pregnant. Everything was fine when I was down, but when I came up the road again, I never heard anything from her for about 5 days. Not a peep. Naturally, I begun to get a little worried that something was wrong so texted her asking how she was, and she wasn't exactly very pleasant back. She said she was fine, and that's she's always fine but was just enjoying peace and quiet. I mentioned rearranging me next coming down to coincide with the scan that was coming up and she ignored the text. Waited 2 or 3 days again, and asked her what was going on because she wasn't responding to my question about the scan, and asked if she was okay. Again, she wasn't to pleasant, "ffs I'm fine" was how the text started and again she told me that she was just enjoying peace and quiet, again ignored my question about the scan. 

I feel like we are missing a big part of the story.  My reaction to reading your original post is that it's hit her like a ton of bricks that she is going to be raising another kid on her own.  You two live in different cities, you are only going to see her "every few weeks," you are going days without contacting her, etc.  I wonder if she was expecting you to step up and you haven't, and that's why she was acting so annoyed and hostile toward you.  You said above that you were beginning to talk about moving in together and were looking at buying a house together.  When and why did those discussions stop?