I've broken up with my pregnant ex and I don't know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Darren90s said:

 her behaviour has been irrational. Falling out with when she's been drunk and blocking me everywhere

Does she have a drinking problem? Does she live with her parents? Does she work?

[Darren90s]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but DUDE!!  Could you not sense from all the verbal abuse she was tossing at you that she was irritated as hell and wanted to be left ALONE?

Why did you keep pestering her, as @glowshad asked?  You exacerbated an already toxic situation by your continuing to text and call ad nauseum, hounding her for answers re this "scan," what is a scan anyway?

Yeah I get YOU wanted answers but basic common sense should tell you when a woman responds with "ffs..." or she is "f*cking sleeping and you woke her up OR "f*ck you, you f*cking idiot, you leave her alone!!

Lord, I would have been GONE after the first "ffs..."   That right there shows she was extremely irritated, she asked for some peace and quiet, the respectful thing would have been to give it to her, and left her alone.

Again, apologies if that sounded harsh but the way she spoke to you was verbal abuse and no person should ever tolerate that.... let alone continue to chase them seeking answers.

 

 

 

I know in hindsight I should of just left it alone. But she had told me a month  that I was coming to the scan. I just wanted to clarify that I could rearrange coming down  coincide with it but stay for the same amount of time as I normally did when I travelled down and she just want to answer me. I know I've messed it all up, but I just wanted to be there for that scan you know? My first child to be, and the thought of missing that scan was just horrible. Incidentally, I did miss it.

[Darren90s]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have a drinking problem? Does she live with her parents? Does she work?

As far as I'm aware she's not drinking now. But back in the day when we were on the app in question every night she was drinking, and quite often got into arguments. Including with me. Sometimes the silence that persisted the following day would go on for a while, others not so much. Plus I might add, that her dad and step mother told me that when she has a bee in her bonnet, it can last a while. They've been on the receiving end of it many times. And no she doesn't work anymore, but she does live alone. 

[Darren90s]

1 hour ago, clia said:

I feel like we are missing a big part of the story.  My reaction to reading your original post is that it's hit her like a ton of bricks that she is going to be raising another kid on her own.  You two live in different cities, you are only going to see her "every few weeks," you are going days without contacting her, etc.  I wonder if she was expecting you to step up and you haven't, and that's why she was acting so annoyed and hostile toward you.  You said above that you were beginning to talk about moving in together and were looking at buying a house together.  When and why did those discussions stop?

I'm using my phone and I'm new to this site so I'm missing messages here and there, apologises for that. I mean we've had a history of falling out. Sometimes just drunken nonsense, other times because I've felt her behaviour was odd. And as I've said in a previous message, when she had a miscarriage at the start of the year, she told me that she beleives the hormones contributed to the miscarriage and the odd behaviour. So in that respect, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt in the weeks leading up to the break up, that maybe she was telling me she was fine but in actuality wasn't really. But no, we used to talk every day. All day actually. Texts coming in thick and fast, we always kept contact. They just started to gradually reduce in the weeks leading up to this. I never wanted to come across as if I was hounding her, but my messages would sit there left unread for days. And then come the weeks after I last left her house they stopped until I made contact and even then she ignored me more often than not. As for driving down, I used to go every weekend but we are all in hard times the now, so it became every second weekend but nah, don't think it's a case of me no stepping up. And we were discussing this house, and the area on the weekend I last there, but we both agreed it would need to be a house with an additional bedroom so we would keep looking. But we had been talking about moving into together for a bit before hand. That was just the first house she had found that she liked. Sorry for the ramble but aye, not sure if that clears up things abit.

[vwisme]

Dude. Wow. 

First of all, from everything conveyed in the previous messages, this relationship should have ended a long time ago. Alas, we're past that point so let's end it now. The relationship you have with this woman is beyond toxic and is not love. Whatever was done to get you to this point is in the past so best to look forward and choose to become a better man for whatever future relationships you pursue and the child you are going to have. 

On that note, I hate to say it and idk where you are in the world but if you're in the US - - > lawyer the f up. I hate to say this but right now there's no child to provide for but if she's acting this way now, you do not want it to get worse without some backup judicially. Find out about shared custody, child support, and PLEASE get a paternity test. I'm sorry but how she's acting is truly untrustworthy. 

Last but not least - RUN FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP. Not literally as you may be having a child together but in the sense of run from any facet of this relationship that is not dealing with the child you all are having. LC to the max. Focus fully on becoming a better man (assuming gender so forgive me if that's not how you identify) and living a life that you and the child would be proud of. 

[Darren90s]

On 7/22/2021 at 1:49 PM, vwisme said:

Dude. Wow. 

First of all, from everything conveyed in the previous messages, this relationship should have ended a long time ago. Alas, we're past that point so let's end it now. The relationship you have with this woman is beyond toxic and is not love. Whatever was done to get you to this point is in the past so best to look forward and choose to become a better man for whatever future relationships you pursue and the child you are going to have. 

On that note, I hate to say it and idk where you are in the world but if you're in the US - - > lawyer the f up. I hate to say this but right now there's no child to provide for but if she's acting this way now, you do not want it to get worse without some backup judicially. Find out about shared custody, child support, and PLEASE get a paternity test. I'm sorry but how she's acting is truly untrustworthy. 

Last but not least - RUN FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP. Not literally as you may be having a child together but in the sense of run from any facet of this relationship that is not dealing with the child you all are having. LC to the max. Focus fully on becoming a better man (assuming gender so forgive me if that's not how you identify) and living a life that you and the child would be proud of. 

I still haven't contacted her, but she's blocked me from doing so even if I wanted to. I think she's a bit damaged, and I don't say that to denigrate her, I say that as a guy who's trying to understand. It does feel like it's over, but I just don't understand why. Going to her fathers wasn't a wise move, admittedly and I beleive that in her head she was acting normally, thus me doing what I did would of undoubtedly angered her. But I've got no choice now to leave her alone, just pains me knowing there is a woman out there carrying my child that I can't even converse with. It's been a really rough few weeks. I hope it doesn't come to requiring a lawyer. I have no reason to beleive the child isn't mine, but I also can't find any reason to explain how we go to this point.

[vwisme]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. As someone who's had some toxic relationships, I can empathize with where you're at. Even down to the "I think I'm pregnant and it's definitely yours" part (thankfully she wasn't). 

This isn't going to be an easy pill to swallow but please see this as a blessing, a gift, an endowment from the universe, God, whoever you pray to - or just life. There's this thing about toxic relationships were the person getting out is like an abused dog. You're so used to being abused you don't even know that you're free and quite frankly, would willingly go back to the only hell you knew. 

From someone who's finally on the other side, please celebrate your freedom. Throw yourself an "I'm Free" party. You can now go and live your life on your terms no longer tied to someone who doesn't want what's best for you past their own pain. 

Your life is worth living to the fullest. Don't be scared to do just that by moving on and never speaking to her again - sans her proving the child is yours. 

Best of luck. 

 

Edited July 24, 2021 by vwisme

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Darren90s said:

 I've got no choice now to leave her alone. I hope it doesn't come to requiring a lawyer.

You're doing the right thing. You don't need an attorney.

She would have to prove you are the father, then file for child support with courts.

If it's yours and you wish visitation that is also a court petition.

[Darren90s]

On 7/24/2021 at 9:56 PM, Wiseman2 said:

You're doing the right thing. You don't need an attorney.

She would have to prove you are the father, then file for child support with courts.

If it's yours and you wish visitation that is also a court petition.

I don't beleive it will come to having to go through the courts. I mean when I was waiting outside the scan for her to come out, she did say to me that she would contact me when the next appointment was. I'm just finding it all really hard, not being able to talk to her. Not knowing how she's doing, how the bump is doing. We've gone from talking everyday for nearly a year, to a mess that despite her odd behaviour, I still feel at fault for. I'm beginning to realise I'll probably miss the second scan too, and it's heart breaking. It could very well be my only child, given this covid stuff, and the fact I'm missing out on what should be a happy time for me and her, sucks.

As the days go on, I'm getting used to no hearing from her admittedly, but I'm still left wondering what has caused this all. If it was hormones, and I've gone and put my foot in it then I really am to blame. So I blame myself for missing out on my child's scans. It's just really taking its toll on me, that a woman is carrying my child and I can't even ask her how she and the bump to be are doing. 

[Darren90s]

On 7/24/2021 at 9:48 PM, vwisme said:

I'm sorry that you're going through this. As someone who's had some toxic relationships, I can empathize with where you're at. Even down to the "I think I'm pregnant and it's definitely yours" part (thankfully she wasn't). 

This isn't going to be an easy pill to swallow but please see this as a blessing, a gift, an endowment from the universe, God, whoever you pray to - or just life. There's this thing about toxic relationships were the person getting out is like an abused dog. You're so used to being abused you don't even know that you're free and quite frankly, would willingly go back to the only hell you knew. 

From someone who's finally on the other side, please celebrate your freedom. Throw yourself an "I'm Free" party. You can now go and live your life on your terms no longer tied to someone who doesn't want what's best for you past their own pain. 

Your life is worth living to the fullest. Don't be scared to do just that by moving on and never speaking to her again - sans her proving the child is yours. 

Best of luck. 

 

You know the way she's banned me everywhere, wasn't even all in a one foul swoop. First it was on the xbox, and don't have her as a friend on there. It was just a message exchanged months ago. Same with her kids, didn't have them on the xbox, just messages from time to time when they asked me when I was coming down. So she banned me there, and banned me on the app we are on. Then a few days later banned me on her channel that she runs on said app, then a few days later banned my alternative account. Either it was she was doing it in stages to get a reaction, or it was just because she just remembered to ban me there too. It's just so over the top and quite frankly petulant. One night last week she even went as far as to leave a chat we were in, because I was talking in it. Said publicly in the chat she was handing it over to someone else and she was going to start a woman only chat. I then find out that a few days later she actually just started the same chat and invited everyone bar me. It's ludicrious the way she's acting.

But yeah, I've been banned everywhere and this all started simply because she was telling me she was enjoying time to herself, and ignoring me regarding the scan. I mean ffs, why? I have no idea what I've done. I can't tell if it's hormones or not. Just feel I've made a total mess of this all.

But I do get what you mean however, I feel like if she got in touch tomorow I'd go back in an instant. Just feel horrible about it all. Gone from planning to settle down, me willing to take her kids under my wing and make a go of things together with our baby, to me having nothing but a scan picture and total silence.

And all I can do is blame myself because nothing else makes sense.

Edited July 26, 2021 by Darren90s

[spiderowl]

Hi Darren,

I'm sorry you are going through all this.  Either there is something you have omitted to tell us which is quite pertinent, or this woman is crazy.  I think probably the latter.  Her behaviour is rude and shocking for someone who was apparently in a relationship with you (according to you).  If she truly was in a relationship with you and there was nothing wrong before this whole episode, then she is deranged.

I can understand her getting frustrated with you pestering to see the scan if she had communicated clearly with you that things were over and that you were not invited to the scan.  It does not sound like that was the case though.

You say you do not want to get a lawyer involved but why - apart from the cost that is?  If the baby means a lot to you, then you will want to know your legal position and the mother is clearly not in a state to communicate with you without aggression.

Obviously, you need to avoid contacting her, do not turn up, do not contact her family, or she can claim you are harassing her.  There is a hint in what her step-parent has said that she is volatile and holds a grudge.  Believe me, you do not want a relationship with this woman except in respect of the child.  I feel sorry for the child as the mother does not sound mentally competent or responsible.

Yes, all you can do is to consult a lawyer and sit back and wait for the child support claim.  It's really sad and unfair but it's her body and while a father can claim access to their child, they cannot expect to be there for scans, the birth or post-natal, if they are broken up and the mother does not want them there.

I hope there is some positive resolution to all this in the long term.  I would definitely advise you against trying to rekindle a relationship with her or thinking that she is rekindling one with you, because sure as hell she's going to do this again.  She has some kind of serious behavioural issues.

 

 

[Love Yourself First]

Bro you gotta understand this is not 2005 anymore, this woman has access to GPS Based dating apps, she can snap her fingers and have 10 dudes ready to go raw, that are within maybe 10 KM of her and your hours away.

The fact that she cut ties with your social circle is the strongest indicator here that she is moving on, women might dump your ass but the relationships built usually last unless she has done something reprehensible and is just putting distance between herself and those that'll eventually find out, this is by far the biggest red flag of your whole story.

Based on the above alone, she is probably carrying another man's baby, doesnt want you to know but also wants to make you feel bad and hold power over you, this would be my guess.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/25/2021 at 9:19 PM, Darren90s said:

me willing to take her kids under my wing and make a go of things together with our baby, 

Try to relax. First of all you don't even know it's yours. Secondly she would have to prove paternity through the courts in order to petition for child support.

Not sure why you think you need an attorney? There's nothing for you to prove or defend.

The onus is on her to prove paternity if she wants child support.

She's acting suspiciously and you know this. Step way back from this.

One day you can start your own family with a woman of better integrity.

[Acacia98]

On 7/26/2021 at 4:19 AM, Darren90s said:

And all I can do is blame myself because nothing else makes sense.

Let's not go overboard with this "blame the hormones" approach. Look, perhaps you could have handled things a bit better. But this whole mess came about because she wouldn't simply communicate with you in a straightforward manner about something that involved you. When you asked for the info about the scan, she stonewalled you (look up "stonewalling" and "silent treatment" on Google). You reacted in one of several predictable ways to it, and she used that as a pretext to dump you. She was looking for a confrontation. 

I get the impression she's done this or something similar before based on that comment you said her parents made about how she gets when she has a bee in her bonnet.