Out of the bedroom safewords in relationships

[Mrin]

I'm in my 40's so I have a few laps around this star under my belt. I've seen a lot. Learned a lot. But every once in a while something happens where I slap myself on the forehead and think "why am I just figuring this out now!" This is one of those moments. Just wanted to share in case anyone else finds it helpful.

The woman I am dating and I started doing this a while and it has worked flawlessly. Basically, we brought the concept of the "safeword" out of the bedroom and into things like arguments. Here's how it works:

Background: For those of you not familiar with the term, "safewording" or a "safeword" is something that is widely practiced in the BDSM and kink communities. In a nutshell, you agree upon a word that if any participant utters it during a sexual or kink encounter, all sexual activity stops. No questions asked. Further, the way it is supposed to work is that not only does all activity stop, there are no repercussions for "safewording". E.g. no guilt trip, no one gets the feelings hurt because the other person safeworded. In the BDSM community, safewords are absolute. Automatic. You say it, it all stops. Immediately. Hence, the "safe" in safeword.

Okay, so let's get out of the bedroom. Anyone who has been in a relationship has had the experience where a discussion has turned into an argument and that argument has turned heated. Words are said. Maybe names are called. Voices are raised. Low blows are struck. You know the type of row I'm talking about. We all know when we're in one of those fights right? And we also all know that when it is over, we will wish we hadn't said what we had said. When a couple is triggered and in that fight or flight response, rarely are we anywhere close to being our best selves. Hell, we're not even in the safe hemisphere as our best selves. We regret the things we say. Or how we said it. So why in the heck do we do it?

Well, the short answer is we can't help ourselves. We get emotional. Carried away. Maybe we're tipsy or drunk. Angry. Hurt. Upset. You know the drill. Maybe it is one sided - where one person is triggered emotionally and the other person blindly carries on completely unaware of his/her partner's emotional state. I'm a flippin' God at that particular maneuver particularly when it comes to politics. 

The things is - no matter how the heated argument comes about and whether it is one sided or two, one person typically knows in their heart of hearts that it needs to stop. That nothing good will come of it. But how do you bring a heated argument to a standstill without doing more damage to the relationship? Storming off has consequences. The silent treatment speaks loudly. Rolling over and acquiescing leaves scars and creates unhealthy patterns. And that's where the safeword comes in.

So here's how our out of the bedroom safeword works:

1. In an argument, either party can safeword. You just simply say the word. 

2. If someone safewords, the argument is halted. Immediately. No parting shots. No "one more things". Just stop, mid-sentence even. If we need time away from each other to cool down, we take it. If not, we move along. The thing is, if we need distance, that distance is no longer a weapon or perceived as a weapon, but rather just a tool.

3. But, just because someone safeworded doesn't mean that the topic is closed. It must be revisited, just under cooler circumstances. The out of the bedroom safeword isn't a get out of jail free card. It is just a pause button.

4. We don't have any hard and fast agreement as to when the topic is broached again. Sometimes it is a couple of hours. Sometimes a day or two. But every time we revisit it, it is quickly addressed and resolved with cooler heads. And it often leads to a broader underlying discussion which we all know is typically the root of the issue in the first place. That's super healthy.

We've found this to be a great way of avoiding blow ups. Heck, sometimes you can safeword before a discussion has even blown up. You know that feeling too right? Just before the storm?

Anyhow I just wanted to pass that along in the hopes it helps someone else. Or maybe someone does something similar.

 

Mrin

 

[glows]

There is still a high degree of trust and respect needed for this to work consistently - the same trust required for any conflict resolution. That’s good if it works for the both of you.

[Kai_Kai]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

I'm in my 40's so I have a few laps around this star under my belt. I've seen a lot. Learned a lot. But every once in a while something happens where I slap myself on the forehead and think "why am I just figuring this out now!" This is one of those moments. Just wanted to share in case anyone else finds it helpful.

The woman I am dating and I started doing this a while and it has worked flawlessly. Basically, we brought the concept of the "safeword" out of the bedroom and into things like arguments. Here's how it works:

Background: For those of you not familiar with the term, "safewording" or a "safeword" is something that is widely practiced in the BDSM and kink communities. In a nutshell, you agree upon a word that if any participant utters it during a sexual or kink encounter, all sexual activity stops. No questions asked. Further, the way it is supposed to work is that not only does all activity stop, there are no repercussions for "safewording". E.g. no guilt trip, no one gets the feelings hurt because the other person safeworded. In the BDSM community, safewords are absolute. Automatic. You say it, it all stops. Immediately. Hence, the "safe" in safeword.

Okay, so let's get out of the bedroom. Anyone who has been in a relationship has had the experience where a discussion has turned into an argument and that argument has turned heated. Words are said. Maybe names are called. Voices are raised. Low blows are struck. You know the type of row I'm talking about. We all know when we're in one of those fights right? And we also all know that when it is over, we will wish we hadn't said what we had said. When a couple is triggered and in that fight or flight response, rarely are we anywhere close to being our best selves. Hell, we're not even in the safe hemisphere as our best selves. We regret the things we say. Or how we said it. So why in the heck do we do it?

Well, the short answer is we can't help ourselves. We get emotional. Carried away. Maybe we're tipsy or drunk. Angry. Hurt. Upset. You know the drill. Maybe it is one sided - where one person is triggered emotionally and the other person blindly carries on completely unaware of his/her partner's emotional state. I'm a flippin' God at that particular maneuver particularly when it comes to politics. 

The things is - no matter how the heated argument comes about and whether it is one sided or two, one person typically knows in their heart of hearts that it needs to stop. That nothing good will come of it. But how do you bring a heated argument to a standstill without doing more damage to the relationship? Storming off has consequences. The silent treatment speaks loudly. Rolling over and acquiescing leaves scars and creates unhealthy patterns. And that's where the safeword comes in.

So here's how our out of the bedroom safeword works:

1. In an argument, either party can safeword. You just simply say the word. 

2. If someone safewords, the argument is halted. Immediately. No parting shots. No "one more things". Just stop, mid-sentence even. If we need time away from each other to cool down, we take it. If not, we move along. The thing is, if we need distance, that distance is no longer a weapon or perceived as a weapon, but rather just a tool.

3. But, just because someone safeworded doesn't mean that the topic is closed. It must be revisited, just under cooler circumstances. The out of the bedroom safeword isn't a get out of jail free card. It is just a pause button.

4. We don't have any hard and fast agreement as to when the topic is broached again. Sometimes it is a couple of hours. Sometimes a day or two. But every time we revisit it, it is quickly addressed and resolved with cooler heads. And it often leads to a broader underlying discussion which we all know is typically the root of the issue in the first place. That's super healthy.

We've found this to be a great way of avoiding blow ups. Heck, sometimes you can safeword before a discussion has even blown up. You know that feeling too right? Just before the storm?

Anyhow I just wanted to pass that along in the hopes it helps someone else. Or maybe someone does something similar.

 

Mrin

 

Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I can safely say, I have never had a heated argument with my boyfriend, we always just talk because we are both get straight to the point type of people. 

[mark clemson]

I could see this working for some couples. Nice approach!

[Mrin]

16 hours ago, glows said:

There is still a high degree of trust and respect needed for this to work consistently - the same trust required for any conflict resolution. That’s good if it works for the both of you.

Thanks. We have a D/s dynamic and thus trust and respect are first and foremost to everything about us. 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds good. Your advice here is exactly what a lot of marriage counselors advocate, and non-married couples can benefit from doing this as well. 

 

[snowboy91]

While it does initially seem a bit of a contrived process, if it works then by all means roll with it.

It does make sense in that you're able to work through things easier when emotions aren't running high. The whole thing about cooler heads prevailing.

[spiderowl]

Sounds a good idea.  My only reservation is what happens when the subject is revisited, if it triggered that reaction in the first place?  It seems to have been ok in your case, but I can imagine it not being if it were a particularly contentious subject.

 

[Miss Spider]

  I thought safe words were for when you are in the bedroom and words can’t always be taken at face value.  ( eg. You’re turned on by begging them to stop . ) 

 

In everyday human interaction 101, they really should. I guess I’m old-fashioned, but with me a simple “i don’t like that” or  “I don’t want to talk about this right now” is just respected and never questioned unless said with obvious humor.  

Edited August 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Mrin]

On 8/17/2021 at 7:49 PM, spiderowl said:

Sounds a good idea.  My only reservation is what happens when the subject is revisited, if it triggered that reaction in the first place?  It seems to have been ok in your case, but I can imagine it not being if it were a particularly contentious subject.

 

There's a lot of truth in what you said. But typically what i've found is that even if it is a particularly difficult topic, it can be more successfully addressed if time outs are taken when limbic responses occur rather than just plunging ahead when one or both parties are in a limbic response. Does that make sense?

[Mrin]

On 8/19/2021 at 11:30 AM, Cookiesandough said:

  I thought safe words were for when you are in the bedroom and words can’t always be taken at face value.  ( eg. You’re turned on by begging them to stop . ) 

 

In everyday human interaction 101, they really should. I guess I’m old-fashioned, but with me a simple “i don’t like that” or  “I don’t want to talk about this right now” is just respected and never questioned unless said with obvious humor.  

Great point. Yes, that's true. But in the bedroom safe words are also used as a trust tool to stop things immediately. No questions. No discussion. Just full stop. 

So bringing that to your second point - that's really the problem isn't it? "I don't like that" or "I don't want to talk about this right now" typically don't result in a FULL STOP. Typically, they result in things like, "why what's wrong? Don't be so sensitive" or "oh no, we're talking about this right now!" In the vast majority of situations, the conversation or the interaction doesn't end right away. At best, parting shots are fired, eyes rolled, hands thrown up in exasperation or melodramatic sighs are made. At worst, the conversation actually escalates. Look no further than simply hanging up the phone on someone and the result that typically produces. 

And that's the problem. Simply put, in normal relationship/friendship/even business dynamics, there is no sure fire way of immediately and blamelessly stopping an interaction. 

[vla1120]

This is something my therapist suggested to my late husband and I when things got heated. I learned the hard way it only works when both parties are willing to hit the pause button. In my case, he would follow me around, berate and hound me until I found another way to shut it down (usually in the form of driving to my daughter's house to stay the night.) If I am ever in a relationship again, I intend to try it out. Actually, there are many things I learned in the 6 years of pretty intensive marriage counseling that I hope to make use of if/when the occasion arises one day. Hopefully my partner will be receptive. 

I am glad it is working for you!