Why he started not using her name.

[Xox51]

Hi! First time posting!

 Looking for😬 insight

So MM; and I work together.. Classic I know! Anyways, they are married, me just almost a decade relationship... This has stayed pretty light. So I thought. I don’t think I ever used my partners name; Until one day I did. After that, after the recent time me and this MM met up... he no longer uses his wifes name.(Around me.)

We chat on occasion at work; about life and what we did over the weekend or Vaca... and now, none of his stories (that have to mention her) use her name... She has became, “She” or “the Wife...”

i just caught onto to this and for some odd reason it keeps crosses my mind on why... there is a reason and why am I soo curious to why.. I am not sure. Soo, if anyone has experienced this or has insight, please reply, because it has been on my mind for a few weeks now! Gahhh! Thanks

 

 

[BaileyB]

My guess, affairs are usually based in fantasy. Referring to a spouse by their name is an intrusion of the fantasy he has created at work. His wife, his primary relationship, is his “real” life. In addition to intruding on the fantasy, discussing his wife with his affair partner may be a little too close to home — to close for comfort. Speaking her name with his affair partner personalizes her. This could cause guilt. It could cause anxiety. He is protecting her, he wants to keep his marriage and his wife (who he presumably values) distant or separate from his affair partner. “Never the two shall meet.”

I’m curious, why do you think this bothers you?

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Xox51]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You’ve thought about this a lot, why do you think this bothers you?

Because it changes the way things were.. was to be “no big deal” but now It feels like something changed.. and i feel something has; this validated that feeling.. but I’m not sure what. this just throws me off. Like “i know her name soo why not say it..”

[Xox51]

12 minutes ago, Olivia24 said:

No experience  for  me to guide you. But welcome to the  forum. Many great  people will help.

Hi! Thank you 😊 it always seems it!

[Xox51]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My guess, affairs are usually based in fantasy. Referring to a spouse by their name is an intrusion of the fantasy he has created at work. His wife, his primary relationship, is his “real” life. More than intruding one the fantasy, discussing his wife with his affair partner may be a little too close for comfort. He is protecting her, he wants to keep his marriage and his wife (who he values) distant from his affair partner. “Never the two to meet.”

I’m curious, why do you think this bothers you?

That makes a ton of sense... especially not crossing the two worlds... i normally never used my SO’s name; and if i look at why.. i didnt want the MM knowing my personal business... so the same may be vis versa. I got super Standoff when he’d share pics and videos of his kids; like... I do not want apart of this because i have no intention of being in their life.

it is make Believe; and to keep the story you keep a persona; you make a ton of sense! Ty

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

Because it changes the way things were.. was to be “no big deal” but now It feels like something changed.. and i feel something has; this validated that feeling.. but I’m not sure what. this just throws me off. Like “i know her name soo why not say it..”

Is this an emotional affair or a physical affair?

[Xox51]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Is this an emotional affair or a physical affair?

Physical.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

Because it changes the way things were.. was to be “no big deal”

If you are having sex with the man, it’s not exactly “no big deal.”

24 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

I got super Standoff when he’d share pics and videos of his kids; like... I do not want apart of this because i have no intention of being in their life.

If you are having sex with her husband, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, you are part of their life. You have inserted yourself into their marriage, somewhere that you have no business being. It may be “no big deal” to you, what do you think his wife would say? How would you feel if another woman was having sex at the office with your husband? Would that be “no big deal?”

In other words - the only way that you can be ok with this affair is to compartmentalize it - he doesn’t want to speak his name, you don’t want to see evidence of his happy family. To do either is to cause you to feel badly - it’s the same reason why you tell yourself it’s ok to have sex with another woman’s husband, because you don’t really want to be a part of their lives. On this site, that’s called mental gymnastics. People tell themselves all kind of things to justify their decisions and behavior. 

 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Xox51]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you are having sex with the man, it’s not exactly “no big deal.”

If you are having sex with her husband, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, you are part of their life. You have inserted yourself into their marriage, somewhere that you have no business being. It may be “no big deal” to you, what do you think his wife would say? How would you feel if another woman was having sex at the office with your husband? Would that be “no big deal?”

In other words - the only way that you can be ok with this affair is to compartmentalize it - he doesn’t want to speak his name, you don’t want to see evidence of his happy family. To do either is to cause you to feel badly - it’s the same reason why you tell yourself it’s ok to have sex with another woman’s husband, because you don’t really want to be a part of their lives. On this site, that’s called mental gymnastics. People tell themselves all kind of things to justify their decisions and behavior. 

 

I believe i’ve seen it as “no big deal,” because i disconnect sex from emotions. And maybe that is what I need to discover in order to understand how she would feel.

I chose MM because there is no strings attached. SM want more and blow up your relationship. So, deep down I believe I just connect this MM as a single guy so it doesn’t weigh on my mind. Because I can admit, there’s a reason it bothers me; apparently or I wouldn't have jumped here for harsh reality check...

Selfishly, I did not see it as me being apart of their life.. but in hindsight I do validate your words that in reality.. I am. His wife knows of me; she has made it known she wants no contact with me... I disrespectfully asked him what he wanted...

So... how does the OW have the “ugh huh” moment to connect the dots and bring together two separate worlds to have closure. I never would have guessed this to become an ordeal.. stupidly I suppose.

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

how does the OW have the “ugh huh” moment to connect the dots and bring together two separate worlds to have closure.

For me, it’s about empathy. How does one make a decision that will cause pain for another human being? When you can consider the situation from the perspective of another person - when you have empathy for the pain that person is feeling/you are causing - I would hope that would be reason enough to make a different decision.  

Many people in affairs struggle with this. As I said above, it’s the reason why people compartmentalize and tell themselves any number of things. He will tell himself, she isn’t meeting my needs anymore. You will tell yourself - I can separate sex and emotion and it’s no big deal - I’m not really involved in their life. Because, to consider that you are causing another person pain does not sit well with many people. It’s difficult to do. It makes it hard to stay in the affair. 

49 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

I believe i’ve seen it as “no big deal,” because i disconnect sex from emotions. And maybe that is what I need to discover in order to understand how she would feel.

I chose MM because there is no strings attached.

I hear what you are saying. I would offer - you are considering and assessing this relationship from your own point of view. You are able to disconnect sex and emotions - many people do not. Do you think his wife feels the same way? Would you feel the same way if it was YOUR husband having sex at work with another woman? This affair suits you because there are no strings attached and you are leas likely to be hurt or have your life disrupted - she is attached to him legally, emotionally, financially, because of their children, etc - how do you think this affair hurts her and disrupts her life? 

You want to know whether this hurts her - the answer is in this next sentence. 

49 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

His wife knows of me; she has made it known she wants no contact with me...

Again, consider the idea that you are married to a man, you have devoted your life to this man, you are raising his children - and he is having sex with another woman at work. How would you feel about that? Can you put yourself in her position and consider that you are making a decision that hurts another woman and her children? Your decision to have sex with another woman’s husband has the potential to destroy a marriage and those children could lose their nuclear family. 

Please believe me, I’m not saying this from a place of judgment. I’m not a betrayed spouse. I say this with the hope that you understand, this is a very big deal. For this woman, and her children, this is a very BIG deal. 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I will say, we had another woman on this site who’s affair partner referred to his wife as she/wife. The general consensus was that this was a very demeaning and disrespectful thing to do. She is his wife, the mother of his children - again, how would you feel if the man you trusted above all others was referencing you as “she?” As his wife, is she not worthy of respect and human dignity? 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe he figures you know her name by now since he said it before. I don’t think that he stop saying her name holds as much meaning as if he had stopped mentioning her at all or something

[glows]

4 hours ago, Kxox51 said:

Hi! First time posting!

 Looking for😬 insight

So MM; and I work together.. Classic I know! Anyways, they are married, me just almost a decade relationship... This has stayed pretty light. So I thought. I don’t think I ever used my partners name; Until one day I did. After that, after the recent time me and this MM met up... he no longer uses his wifes name.(Around me.)

We chat on occasion at work; about life and what we did over the weekend or Vaca... and now, none of his stories (that have to mention her) use her name... She has became, “She” or “the Wife...”

i just caught onto to this and for some odd reason it keeps crosses my mind on why... there is a reason and why am I soo curious to why.. I am not sure. Soo, if anyone has experienced this or has insight, please reply, because it has been on my mind for a few weeks now! Gahhh! Thanks

 

 

Do you or don’t you want to hear about his family life? You mentioned you’re standoffish when he shows you photos of his children and married life. Now you’re curious why he stopped using her name. You can ask him yourself but I think you wouldn’t want to because it makes you uncomfortable. 

He’s simply trying to answer any questions as pleasantly and with the least amount of discomfort for himself or towards you if you ask me. Please don’t interpret this as extra care towards you. His actions are self-serving as it’s in his best interests not to upset anyone.

[Luna66star]

MM I was involved with only used his wife's name once.  All other times it was "her" or,"wife".  I think it is because he compartmentalizes two relationships.

It's a way to keep you away in a box,  not knowing too much about his personal life so he keeps things vague.

Please don't mistake this for caring about you.  Real boyfriends mention names of everyone in their lives on a regular basis.   Mom, pop, sister, brother, friends, GF, etc.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

What's wrong with your partner/ relationship?

It seems like you are getting too involved and looking for meaning in anything you can find, such as the use of "she" rather than his wife's name.

Eventually you'll get hurt . He's married, so that's going nowhere and you're damaging your primary relationship.

What if his wife tells your partner?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

What are you hoping to get out of this? It's not just sex when you are now looking for "signs" and "meanings" (i.e. he stopped using her name, what does it 'mean?).

At least be honest with yourself.

Also, what is going on in your decade long relationship that you feel you need sex or whatever from another man?

[Xox51]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What's wrong with your partner/ relationship

Lack of sex and attention. Bluntly.  

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Eventually you'll get hurt . He's married, so that's going nowhere and you're damaging your primary relationship.

What if his wife tells your partner?

If it is moving past just sex then it needs to end because I don’t want emotions attached in any aspect.

and if she tells then I would have to face the consequences I never really thought about what could be the end result.

[Xox51]

35 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

What are you hoping to get out of this? It's not just sex when you are now looking for "signs" and "meanings" (i.e. he stopped using her name, what does it 'mean?).

At least be honest with yourself.

Also, what is going on in your decade long relationship that you feel you need sex or whatever from another man?

The point was to be just fun... if I feel like it is moving pass just that, then I would want to end things now before emotions get tied in. 
 

Decade relationship lacks sex and attention... I have tried to ask how to help our situation and my SO doesnt seem interested enough... but we have a good life together besides that.

[Xox51]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Do you or don’t you want to hear about his family life? You mentioned you’re standoffish when he shows you photos of his children and married life. Now you’re curious why he stopped using her name. You can ask him yourself but I think you wouldn’t want to because it makes you uncomfortable. 

He’s simply trying to answer any questions as pleasantly and with the least amount of discomfort for himself or towards you if you ask me. Please don’t interpret this as extra care towards you. His actions are self-serving as it’s in his best interests not to upset anyone.

Thank you for the bluntness of your answer! You are right; it does make me uncomfortable. I don’t ask questions it is literary a share as you need basis.. i share next to nothing, because why do I want someone else knowing my personal relationship.. i guess it is curiosity killing the cat. But i believe keeping both worlds seperate as possible is the answer to it!

[Xox51]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I will say, we had another woman on this site who’s affair partner referred to his wife as she/wife. The general consensus was that this was a very demeaning and disrespectful thing to do. She is his wife, the mother of his children - again, how would you feel if the man you trusted above all others was referencing you as “she?” As his wife, is she not worthy of respect and human dignity? 

I actually felt this was ignorant.. maybe it is why it caught my attention initially. Like I would absolutely feel disregarded if my Partner didn’t use my name talking about me.

[Xox51]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

For me, it’s about empathy. How does one make a decision that will cause pain for another human being? When you can consider the situation from the perspective of another person - when you have empathy for the pain that person is feeling/you are causing - I would hope that would be reason enough to make a different decision.  

I have empathy for others unless it pertains to my happiness. I have always been able to see the darkness someone else creates even If i have done the same thing i cannot connect myself to causing harm until the situation passes.

Many people in affairs struggle with this. As I said above, it’s the reason why people compartmentalize and tell themselves any number of things. He will tell himself, she isn’t meeting my needs anymore. You will tell yourself - I can separate sex and emotion and it’s no big deal - I’m not really involved in their life. Because, to consider that you are causing another person pain does not sit well with many people. It’s difficult to do. It makes it hard to stay in the affair. 

I hear what you are saying. I would offer - you are considering and assessing this relationship from your own point of view. You are able to disconnect sex and emotions - many people do not. Do you think his wife feels the same way? Would you feel the same way if it was YOUR husband having sex at work with another woman? This affair suits you because there are no strings attached and you are leas likely to be hurt or have your life disrupted - she is attached to him legally, emotionally, financially, because of their children, etc - how do you think this affair hurts her and disrupts her life? 
 

You want to know whether this hurts her - the answer is in this next sentence. 

Again, consider the idea that you are married to a man, you have devoted your life to this man, you are raising his children - and he is having sex with another woman at work. How would you feel about that? Can you put yourself in her position and consider that you are making a decision that hurts another woman and her children? Your decision to have sex with another woman’s husband has the potential to destroy a marriage and those children could lose their nuclear family. 

Please believe me, I’m not saying this from a place of judgment. I’m not a betrayed spouse. I say this with the hope that you understand, this is a very big deal. For this woman, and her children, this is a very BIG deal. 

i’ve always been able to have empathy for others but if it is some thing that I have done myself not until my situation is over do I actually feel the remorse. We as humans are very selfish. I put my feelings first in the situation too much.
 

I am sure she has many strings attached. If I were legally attached to someone it would effect every inch or my life. I never really questioned it or seen it that way, but it would be ignorant of me to not be able to acknowledge this. I am sure it would shatter her to the core. I justified myself by saying i didnt come to him; he came towards me. When in reality I should have shut it down and not thought about my needs but respected theirs.

I want to thank you for putting it in question format to me instead of scoring me. I never really stopped to think about the children. But when I do I know when my father did that I felt betrayed because he turn his back on the whole family. I am sure those kids would feel the same exact way that I did all those years ago. That itself is unfair to everybody. And maybe I am wrong for saying this but it makes me have more empathy for them than her.

I believe your words have made me see things a little different and cause me to question myself more than anything in reality. It’s very self-righteous of me to believe that I deserve my relationship and somebody else’s relationship as well. Because at the end of the day that is exactly what is happening.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kxox51 said:

Lack of sex and attention.  I would have to face the consequences I never really thought about what could be the end result.

Can you afford to live on your own? Why be in a roommates dead-bed situation that you're unhappy with? 

This married guy won't solve all those problems.

And since you are microanalyzing his every word, yes, you're already too invested and attached.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Kxox51 said:

I believe your words have made me see things a little different

I’m glad that it helped. I wish you all the best. 

1 hour ago, Kxox51 said:

It’s very self-righteous of me to believe that I deserve my relationship and somebody else’s relationship as well.

Food for thought - another popular saying on this site - you had the right to seek your own happiness but not at someone else’s expense. Right now, you are taking your own happiness at the expense of your partner, his wife, and his children. If his marriage ends,  that would certainly be the case. Of course, it’s his responsibility to protect his marriage and his family. But, he cheats with your assistance. 

Take care. 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Kxox51 said:

I don’t want emotions attached in any aspect.

Sorry but they already are or you wouldn't be here.

[torn_heart]

13 hours ago, Kxox51 said:

Hi! First time posting!

 Looking for😬 insight

So MM; and I work together.. Classic I know! Anyways, they are married, me just almost a decade relationship... This has stayed pretty light. So I thought. I don’t think I ever used my partners name; Until one day I did. After that, after the recent time me and this MM met up... he no longer uses his wifes name.(Around me.)

We chat on occasion at work; about life and what we did over the weekend or Vaca... and now, none of his stories (that have to mention her) use her name... She has became, “She” or “the Wife...”

i just caught onto to this and for some odd reason it keeps crosses my mind on why... there is a reason and why am I soo curious to why.. I am not sure. Soo, if anyone has experienced this or has insight, please reply, because it has been on my mind for a few weeks now! Gahhh! Thanks

 

 

I started doing that when I started to have feelings towards my OW. It felt bad to mention her and I also didn't want to upset OW in any way by using her name (she never got upset, but it's something that crossed my mind). I never used "the GF" or "GF", before it was just her name, then I just said "I" or "we" or, in very little cases, "she" and that's it.

Edited July 22, 2021 by torn_heart