Why he started not using her name.

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Jyklle said:

My MM never uses his wife’s name either. He told me it was out of respect for me. 

That's an interesting reason, but I'm pretty sure respect has nothing to do with it, chivalrous though that sounds.

[torn_heart]

15 minutes ago, NYAG said:

That's an interesting reason, but I'm pretty sure respect has nothing to do with it, chivalrous though that sounds.

It's to not upset her so it doesn't mess the dynamic. 

[Xox51]

On 7/24/2021 at 2:07 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

But I would encourage you to ask yourself if your feelings are getting involved. The very fact that you're wondering about this suggests they are, or you wouldn't give it a passing thought. 

If you plan to continue this affair, then you should also have a plan in mind in case this gets discovered and exposed.

Yes.. this is definitely a huge question right now... because any other time; I dont think I would even Notice...

 interestingly enough, I had a dream last night about it becoming exposed and the consequences. To come into theForm having a response that asked the same questions really makes me see how blind I was to this situation and Consequences.

[Xox51]

On 7/24/2021 at 4:18 AM, Snakesalive said:

Believe me you have no idea the pain that this will cause and you’ll wonder where your mind was at to let all this happen . I’d really urge you to think about this

You are correct.. I do not know the pain this will cause and I am not sure if I ever fully will. (From others points of view specifically.) 

when they say affairs are selfish... that could not be farther from the truth.. When the topic comes up in any conversation I know I shell up. That would be an indicator that I have not fully thought anything through.

[Xox51]

On 7/24/2021 at 3:04 PM, mark clemson said:

It IS certainly true that, as an OW, Xox51 is assisting him to take that risk (and taking it herself). But I'm not sure this is the argument against cheating that you seem to feel it is. Perhaps it would be for people who could never ever bring themselves to cheat. But speaking generally, a person who is truly unhappy in their marriage and has tried working on it only has so many options.

I agree with this, cheating is focusing on your own happiness. Not caring about other people. That’s the biggest problem in the situations, and people who can’t bring their selves to do it don’t ever fully understand.

I know I hate when people say you don’t love somebody if you cheat because that’s not true, I love my partner so much... and I am sure my MM loves his wife. But there are flaws in every relationship so as humans, we tend to try to replace missing qualities.. (insert affair.) If Anything... it would make him not love me for causing hurt.

[Xox51]

9 hours ago, Jyklle said:

My MM never uses his wife’s name either. He told me it was out of respect for me. 

I mean that also makes sense... To some degree you respect an AP; not in the same aspect as a spouse... But you have to have some respect for one another. Even it neither participant admits this.

[Xox51]

On 7/24/2021 at 4:18 AM, Snakesalive said:

are you prepared for that -really ?

Short answer...

NO!

[glows]

1 hour ago, Xox51 said:

You are correct.. I do not know the pain this will cause and I am not sure if I ever fully will. (From others points of view specifically.) 

when they say affairs are selfish... that could not be farther from the truth.. When the topic comes up in any conversation I know I shell up. That would be an indicator that I have not fully thought anything through.

I think as soon as one enters this realm reality and truth become altered as they have to alter to accommodate lies, half truths, a double life or anything hidden. 

You’re here asking questions though. Is it helping to think things through? Would you do anything differently or are there things you’d wish to change? 

[elaine567]

On 7/22/2021 at 1:49 AM, Xox51 said:

. I don’t think I ever used my partners name; Until one day I did. After that, after the recent time me and this MM met up... he no longer uses his wifes name.(Around me.)

I have not read the whole thread, but i guess you using you partner's name struck home to him in some way.
Suddenly it was no "bit of fun", real people were involved, real people would be hurt, and he doesn't want his wife's name sullied by the affair.
He has taken her out of the equation she is now reduced to she, her or the wife. 

Also, men tend to not to like to know about other men in the lives of the women they are sleeping with.. he maybe is trying to save you any awkwardness/hurt... or trying to assuage his own guilt maybe? or leading by example, "I don't mention my wife, you keep your partner to yourself."

[Xox51]

12 hours ago, glows said:

I think as soon as one enters this realm reality and truth become altered as they have to alter to accommodate lies, half truths, a double life or anything hidden. 

You’re here asking questions though. Is it helping to think things through? Would you do anything differently or are there things you’d wish to change? 

I believe we alter reality and realm for these reasons you mentioned...

is it helping to think things through? I would say yes... Apart of me still clinging onto.. I didn’t chase this. Which what.. just because I don’t text first.. I respond though. So That’s a lie to myself.

Would I do things differently or Change anything? i am not sure. I believe I have never learned so much about myself; for that.. I am not sure I would. BUT, I am sure there are other ways I could have done this. I never thought I would do this to my current partner, for that I wish I could change; who I did it to. That’s the part I would change.

 

[Xox51]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He has taken her out of the equation she is now reduced to she, her or the wife. 

Also, men tend to not to like to know about other men in the lives of the women they are sleeping with.. he maybe is trying to save you any awkwardness/hurt... or trying to assuage his own guilt maybe? or leading by example, "I don't mention my wife, you keep your partner to yourself."

Thank you for responding! I believe you have very good insight on how a lot of men think! I never really thought about that “not knowing about another man I am sleeping with...”

 Because up until then; I doubt he had the knowledge to even find him on social’s.

It makes a character real. And the guilt; I am sure it is there. Maybe it is a mix of all of it, and he thinks I feel the same. So, “We dont mention these names...” cuts off the realism.

 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Xox51 said:

I agree with this, cheating is focusing on your own happiness. Not caring about other people. That’s the biggest problem in the situations, and people who can’t bring their selves to do it don’t ever fully understand.

I know I hate when people say you don’t love somebody if you cheat because that’s not true, I love my partner so much... and I am sure my MM loves his wife. But there are flaws in every relationship so as humans, we tend to try to replace missing qualities.. (insert affair.) If Anything... it would make him not love me for causing hurt.

Hmm. Well - yes, that's certainly true it's for your own happiness. The not caring about other people is where I think it gets misunderstood (for many cases).

IMO it's one possible form of finding a balance between your own happiness and making others unhappy. There's a tendency in these internet chat rooms to focus on how much distress cheating causes. But I don't think many bother to analyze/compare this to the damage and distress an "honest" divorce causes. As I've said elsewhere as a "decision"/option, it stacks up pretty favorably against divorcing in terms of damage done to family members.

Of course there are cheaters and there are cheaters. There are no doubt some who simply don't take their family member's needs into account. But I think there's a tendency to forget that there are plenty who DO and end up cheating anyhow.

If one REALLY doesn't care about the family members at all, well why not simply divorce and walk away from everyone - there are certainly people who do that, in fact I know two women with children who's husbands did exactly that. They are gone gone. One could also (in theory) simply screw around openly and not worry about what one's partner thinks of it. IF one really doesn't care. Their feelings about it are "their problem" etc.

As you say, you love your partner, at least at some level. It sounds to me like it's LTR "familial" love (although I could be wrong about that.)

Edited July 26, 2021 by mark clemson