Why he started not using her name.

[vla1120]

I still remember the time (over 20 years ago) my husband called me by his OW's name (more than once.) A little red flag popped up, but I dismissed it at the time because she was also my best friend and our neighbor. Maybe that is why some MM/MW/OW/OM do not use names when in the company of their affair partner because they then run the risk of calling their life partner by that name (or vs.)

[Vivalavi]

Funny you mentioned that. I've noticed the same thing with MM. When being alone or texting, he would always say She. Never her name, never wife or spouse. Just she. When we are with coworkers, he calls her her name. I always thought it was somewhat odd and maybe a little disrespectful to her.

Edited July 22, 2021 by Vivalavi
Grammar error

[torn_heart]

Just now, Vivalavi said:

Funny you mentioned that. I've noticed the same thing with MM. When being alone or texting, he would always say She. Never her name, never wife or spouse. Just she. When we are with coworkers, he calls her my her name. I always thought it was somewhat odd and maybe a little disrespectful.

When I saw that my ex-OW started to develop feelings I started to be very careful about mentioning her, didn't want to upset my ex-OW for just telling a story, as I said, I also developed feelings, so not mentioning her name helped to not feel guilty and also feel the bubble of the "affair", a relationship totally separated from the other.

[Vivalavi]

5 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

When I saw that my ex-OW started to develop feelings I started to be very careful about mentioning her, didn't want to upset my ex-OW for just telling a story, as I said, I also developed feelings, so not mentioning her name helped to not feel guilty and also feel the bubble of the "affair", a relationship totally separated from the other.

I think his reason was more about not to feel guilty. Keeping it separate. Just like you said. It was our bubble for an hour or two.

[torn_heart]

10 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I think his reason was more about not to feel guilty. Keeping it separate. Just like you said. It was our bubble for an hour or two.

Maybe, but I wouldn't discard "not to upset you" because doing so might end in discussion and then end the affair

Edited July 22, 2021 by torn_heart

[Vivalavi]

32 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Maybe, but I wouldn't discard "not to upset you" because doing so might end in discussion and then end the affair

That's true. However, my affair recently end it and your username pretty much describes how I feel. 

[Xox51]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

That's true. However, my affair recently end it and your username pretty much describes how I feel. 

I believe that will be soon for myself...

 we seem to take breaks soo the pattern is Broke that way neither one of our partners catch on... it is very weird how we have an unspoken agreement of the situationship.

 But some of these responses made me question a lot... about myself specifically. If I’m wondering things then I’m heading towards being over connected🥴 that isn’t what i wanted.

[Xox51]

4 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I started doing that when I started to have feelings towards my OW. It felt bad to mention her and I also didn't want to upset OW in any way by using her name (she never got upset, but it's something that crossed my mind). I never used "the GF" or "GF", before it was just her name, then I just said "I" or "we" or, in very little cases, "she" and that's it.

That is interesting.. especially from someone who changed using her name...

i believe it may be a guilt thing; because we worked together a while and it never was different until recent. 

[Xox51]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you afford to live on your own? Why be in a roommates dead-bed situation that you're unhappy with? 

This married guy won't solve all those problems.

And since you are microanalyzing his every word, yes, you're already too invested and attached.

I can afford to live on my own. But maybe it is a guilt thing like I feel like I can’t leave because I’ve been doing something wrong. I am not sure. Maybe it’s the amount of yours and I feel scared to let go.

truly the only thing that has been said that made me analyze anything but maybe you are right maybe it is the beginning of becoming attached I mean others noticed things before we do. Maybe it is time to take a step back

[torn_heart]

2 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

I can afford to live on my own. But maybe it is a guilt thing like I feel like I can’t leave because I’ve been doing something wrong. I am not sure. Maybe it’s the amount of yours and I feel scared to let go.

truly the only thing that has been said that made me analyze anything but maybe you are right maybe it is the beginning of becoming attached I mean others noticed things before we do. Maybe it is time to take a step back

Please do! It's hell!

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Kxox51 said:

i believe it may be a guilt thing; because we worked together a while and it never was different until recent. 

You seem to be giving this a lot of thought, no? He may be compartmentalizing to rationalize extramarital sex.

He may as well call his wife "it", not as a testament to his feelings for you, but as a way to think of "it" as just a dog chained  up in the yard that greets him when he's home, none the wiser that he's out prowling around..

Cheaters think that way. When he's with his wife you are just a "she" (or "it") as the case may be. Probably "the coworker"

[Xox51]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to be giving this a lot of thought, no? He may be compartmentalizing to rationalize extramarital sex.

He may as well call his wife "it", not as a testament to his feelings for you, but as a way to think of "it" as just a dog chained  up in the yard that greets him when he's home, none the wiser that he's out prowling around..

Cheaters think that way. When he's with his wife you are just a "she" (or "it") as the case may be. Probably "the coworker"

A lot of thought? I wouldn’t say much until recent. Like I said as soon as I saw it happening my mind started wandering a little bit.

and I absolutely would not want somebody to not use somebody’s name for me. It honestly made me feel indifferent to it. Like what the hell?... so as sad as your chained dog reference is... I one hundred percent think it is a good reputation of the circumstance.

 

and I absolutely know that my name is not used in that household.. I am sure whatever I’m referred to as is worse than coworker.

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, Kxox51 said:

and I absolutely know that my name is not used in that household.. I am sure whatever I’m referred to as is worse than coworker.

I wonder if Wiseman was referring to how this married man references you - to himself. 

When he is with you, his wife is “she.” And, as wiseman said, he may as well call her “it,” because using a personal pronoun rather than personalizing her and calling her by her name is telling…

And when he is with his wife, he may think of you as his “coworker” or his “affair partner.” He compartmentalizes both women, both relationships. He likely has about as much respect and attachment to you as he has to his wife when he refuses to use her name, when he calls her “she.” 

We have this discussion on this site often, when women speak of their affair partners in high regard. Women will argue until their last breath that the man they are cheating with is an honest, and loyal, and trustworthy partner!! Well, that can’t possibly true. If you want to get a sense of a man’s character and how he treats a woman, one must look no farther than how he treats his wife - the woman he vowed to love and keep forever, the woman he now lies to every single day, the woman he has deceived, and betrayed, and in some cases placed in harms way by having unprotected sex with another woman. How is it possible for the other woman to proclaim that he is honest and trustworthy? To say that he is a true and loyal partner, they must disregard the fact that he has lied to and betrayed the woman he committed to being a life partner. 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Kxox51 said:

His wife knows of me; she has made it known she wants no contact with me... I disrespectfully asked him what he wanted...

So the wife knows you had a sexual affair with her husband?

[Xox51]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So the wife knows you had a sexual affair with her husband?

Noo! Just questioned it. Heard of me... seen a notification on a weekend from me, then found my social media. Once she found my social media, i guess she felt it?! Women’s intuition. But nothing has been confirmed or evident. 

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Funny you mentioned that. I've noticed the same thing with MM. When being alone or texting, he would always say She. Never her name, never wife or spouse. Just she. When we are with coworkers, he calls her her name. I always thought it was somewhat odd and maybe a little disrespectful to her.

If he calls her by her name in front of you, it personalises her and what he doesn't want is you personalising his wife and realising she is a real human being. If she is an object, something in the background, it creates the separation he needs between the two of you. It's been the same experience with my MMs for the most part, even though I only ever detected hostility with one of them to his wife.

[Xox51]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wonder if Wiseman was referring to how this married man references you - to himself. 

When he is with you, his wife is “she.” And, as wiseman said, he may as well call her “it,” because using a personal pronoun rather than personalizing her and calling her by her name is telling…

And when he is with his wife, he may think of you as his “coworker” or his “affair partner.” He compartmentalizes both women, both relationships. He likely has about as much respect and attachment to you as he has to his wife when he refuses to use her name, when he calls her “she.” 

We have this discussion on this site often, when women speak of their affair partners in high regard. Women will argue until their last breath that the man they are cheating with is an honest, and loyal, and trustworthy partner!! Well, that can’t possibly true. If you want to get a sense of a man’s character and how he treats a woman, one must look no farther than how he treats his wife - the woman he vowed to love and keep forever, the woman he now lies to every single day, the woman he has deceived, and betrayed, and in some cases placed in harms way by having unprotected sex with another woman. How is it possible for the other woman to proclaim that he is honest and trustworthy? To say that he is a true and loyal partner, they must disregard the fact that he has lied to and betrayed the woman he committed to being a life partner. 

Oh, I am sure I do not have a Pronoun or any name of value. I am referred to at work probably by my job title. Just a guess. Because, I know I barely use his. Because we know deep down it is wrong...

 

I know he is anything but loyal. Definitely not honest. I am an ego stroke for him. I am younger, and reminded that often. Not in a rude way.. just an “I am old..” when talking to me. (It really isn’t that much of a difference). But, I am still hanging onto my 20’s. 
Yet, on the other hand... I use him to make myself still feel desired. My SO has me, so he doesn’t go out the way to tell me how my outfit looks or notice my hair. I am selfishly using him to make me feel young and carefree... as I am sure he is me. Reminding me I have “no tie downs” I am a fantasy of what life without “tie downs” could be.. or Wishes to be fulfilled. That itself speaks volumes... but I am no better for reciprocating and using as well.

[Snakesalive]

On 7/22/2021 at 8:49 PM, Xox51 said:

But nothing has been confirmed or evident. 

Not yet … 

[Xox51]

1 hour ago, Snakesalive said:

Not yet … 

Hopefully not ever! Unrealistic maybe; but that is what i hope at least!

[ExpatInItaly]

As most others have already said, not using his wife's name is likely just a mechanism to compartmentalize. 

But I would encourage you to ask yourself if your feelings are getting involved. The very fact that you're wondering about this suggests they are, or you wouldn't give it a passing thought. 

If you plan to continue this affair, then you should also have a plan in mind in case this gets discovered and exposed. Where will you go if your partner finds out and kicks you out? And tells your friends and famiy? I would never suggest staying in an affair, but for those who do, you best try to see around corners and come up with a Plan B if this blows up your life. 

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

As most others have already said, not using his wife's name is likely just a mechanism to compartmentalize. 

But I would encourage you to ask yourself if your feelings are getting involved. The very fact that you're wondering about this suggests they are, or you wouldn't give it a passing thought. 

If you plan to continue this affair, then you should also have a plan in mind in case this gets discovered and exposed. Where will you go if your partner finds out and kicks you out? And tells your friends and famiy? I would never suggest staying in an affair, but for those who do, you best try to see around corners and come up with a Plan B if this blows up your life. 

It’s pretty evident on this board and through personal experience  it’s almost inevitable sooner or later the affair will be exposed . @Xox51 you are now in a position where you have choices . when the affair is exposed these choices may be made for you / are you prepared for that -really ? Believe me you have no idea the pain that this will cause and you’ll wonder where your mind was at to let all this happen . I’d really urge you to think about this  

[mark clemson]

On 7/22/2021 at 5:43 AM, BaileyB said:

Food for thought - another popular saying on this site - you had the right to seek your own happiness but not at someone else’s expense. Right now, you are taking your own happiness at the expense of your partner, his wife, and his children. If his marriage ends,  that would certainly be the case. Of course, it’s his responsibility to protect his marriage and his family. But, he cheats with your assistance.

Hmm. It's odd because this seems like the exact same logic that can lead TO cheating.

If you divorce and break up your family to "go find happiness" elsewhere, it's definitely at their expense. Particularly the children's.

Whereas if you cheat, you only risk that happening. Even with a D-day, a divorce is by no means guaranteed.

It IS certainly true that, as an OW, Xox51 is assisting him to take that risk (and taking it herself). But I'm not sure this is the argument against cheating that you seem to feel it is. Perhaps it would be for people who could never ever bring themselves to cheat. But speaking generally, a person who is truly unhappy in their marriage and has tried working on it only has so many options.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. It's odd because this seems like the exact same logic that can lead TO cheating.

If you divorce and break up your family to "go find happiness" elsewhere, it's definitely at their expense. Particularly the children's.

Whereas if you cheat, you only risk that happening. Even with a D-day, a divorce is by no means guaranteed.

Mark, if my relationship is in such a state that I need to cheat to cope with married/family life then I shouldn’t be married anymore…

You will simply never convince me that it is in the best interest of the children to stay in a dead marriage - I’ve known far too many happy, well adjusted children from divorced homes to believe that. 

Edited July 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Mark, if my relationship is in such a state that I need to cheat to cope with married/family life then I shouldn’t be married anymore… You will simply never convince me that it is in the best interest of the children to stay

Fair enough and you're certainly entitled to your view. I think there are probably plenty of folks out there who see it that way as well as plenty who do not. And certainly some children of divorce do better than others.

[ ] 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address first post

[Jyklle]

My MM never uses his wife’s name either. He told me it was out of respect for me.