Razia Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 Hi there I have a problem. I live with my husband and two kids. We have been going through so many problems but yesterday we had a the biggest argument. Basically what happend was that we had a argument and then he started accusing me of being with another person. I got really angry so I hit him not hard on his face so he slapped me really hard and continued to hit me a few times. My question is I keep thinking it was my fault why did I hit him first. He told me to leave but I haven’t as I don’t want my marriage to break but at the same time I don’t want him to think it was ok to hit me. What do you think I should do. I think it was my fault for hitting him first but he was swearing and accusing me for no reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) No you shouldn't have hit him first but he also shouldn't have hit you back several times but just asked you to leave. This is what happens when you hit someone you don't know what their reaction is going to be especially in the heat of an argument. Where domestic violence is concerned once it gets to this level and accusations of cheating; it's on the lowest level. Did he apologize and ask you to stay or do you just want to stay? At any rate work has to be done if you do starting with marriage and individual counseling. Edited July 22, 2021 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 I think you both need counselling if you plan to stay together. You both need to learn how to communicate and control your anger such that it doesn’t escalate to physical violence. I also think it would be preferable to end the marriage than to raise your children in an abusive home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Razia Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 He didn’t ask me to stay I stayed myself he told me to leave. I feel like a fool but I stayed. If I talk to him I know it will cause another argument. I don’t know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Razia said: He didn’t ask me to stay I stayed myself he told me to leave. I feel like a fool but I stayed. If I talk to him I know it will cause another argument. I don’t know what to do. If he hit you a few times then he lost it, he knows he lost it and I guess he either truly wants you to leave and hitting you was the result of deep seated frustration, anger, even hate or he knows he cannot control himself, so he asked you to leave for your own safety. The fact he asked you to leave and you have stayed anyway, sounds like this could be a dangerous situation for you. You poked the bear, the bear mauled you back... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 3 hours ago, Razia said: He didn’t ask me to stay I stayed myself he told me to leave. I feel like a fool but I stayed. If I talk to him I know it will cause another argument. I don’t know what to do. Did you leave when he asked you to and are you still at home or somewhere else? Did he apologize and did you? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 13 hours ago, Razia said: and continued to hit me a few times. Next time call the police. Sooner or later the neighbors may do that or Child Protective Services may show up to take your children to a safer place. Are drugs, drinking or mental health issues involved? Do not discuss things with him. Find and exit plan for you and your children. It won't get better with talking. Call a domestic violence hotline. Yes you are both abusive and violent. Can your children stay in a safer place, such as a relatives home since you two can't provide a stable environment and both engage in violence? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Razia Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 Hi no he didn’t apologise he told me to leave and said that I hit him first. He also told his sister that who lives with us and his mum. I stayed although I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to do. He accused me of cheating which isn’t true. The truth is his sister was causing problems between us all I said was that this is what she’s doing and it’s wrong so he started to swear at me and my mum. So I swore back then he said I’m having an affair that’s when I hit him and he hit me back. He just couldn’t take it that I said the truth about his sister. I didn’t get the police involved as I don’t want my kids taken away. I’m totally broken by all this. Guys please give me advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Razia Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 I don’t know about mental health problems but he doesn’t drink or take drugs Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 7 minutes ago, Razia said: The truth is his sister was causing problems between us all I said was that this is what she’s doing and it’s wrong so he started to swear at me and my mum. So I swore back then he said I’m having an affair that’s when I hit him and he hit me back. Do you think his sister gave him the idea that you are having an affair? It sounds like there are too many outsiders living in your home and helping to destroy your marriage. Maybe you guys need to clean house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Seek counseling and consider making it VERY clear that the next time he hits you you're gone. The repeated slapping sounds like more than a simple momentary loss of control to me, which could mean he has a real problem, or the potential to have one. If you stick around, suggest you have a clear and very specific plan for what to do if this happens again or escalates, AND gather info on local resources and shelters for battered women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 23 minutes ago, mark clemson said: The repeated slapping sounds like more than a simple momentary loss of control to me, which could mean he has a real problem, or the potential to have one. Yeah I meant to say something about his repeat slapping. I think he wanted to slap you like that because he thinks you're cheating. It would be one thing if it were a reflex slap but the repeat is expressing extreme anger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 1 hour ago, Razia said: Hi no he didn’t apologise he told me to leave and said that I hit him first. He also told his sister that who lives with us and his mum. I stayed although I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to do. He accused me of cheating which isn’t true. The truth is his sister was causing problems between us all I said was that this is what she’s doing and it’s wrong so he started to swear at me and my mum. So I swore back then he said I’m having an affair that’s when I hit him and he hit me back. He just couldn’t take it that I said the truth about his sister. I didn’t get the police involved as I don’t want my kids taken away. I’m totally broken by all this. Guys please give me advice. Start thinking for yourself. The marriage is already broken. He distrusts you to the point of accusing you of being with someone else or having an affair. All of this could repeat again. I don't suggest you stay and do nothing. For some reason his family is against you and wants you gone. They don't like you and it could be because of things you did or didn't do, or things you said or didn't say or events or things said that are misinterpreted. You could be misunderstood and completely innocent. It doesn't change the fact that he distrusts you and he wants you to leave. You could lose your kids so talk with a lawyer as soon as possible and ask for additional resources for local support or organizations to assist leaving abusive situations like this. Even if you do not divorce or separate, you need to make sure you have the legal information required so that you are ready in the event it comes to that or if the abuse escalates. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Razia said: please give me advice. Get out asap. Call friends, family and a domestic hotline for assistance. You're outnumbered by his people and they will back him up. You're hung up on an apology which is nonsense. Your concern should be your children's safety. If you stay in the horrible household, they'll have you in jail in no time. You Can Not Stay There. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Razia said: Hi no he didn’t apologise he told me to leave and said that I hit him first. He also told his sister that who lives with us and his mum. I stayed although I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to do. He accused me of cheating which isn’t true. The truth is his sister was causing problems between us all I said was that this is what she’s doing and it’s wrong so he started to swear at me and my mum. So I swore back then he said I’m having an affair that’s when I hit him and he hit me back. He just couldn’t take it that I said the truth about his sister. I didn’t get the police involved as I don’t want my kids taken away. I’m totally broken by all this. This sounds like a powder keg. It sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you. It is certainly a very unhealthy and actually - unsafe - situation in which to be raising children. If I was you, I would remove myself, immediately. For my own safety. For the safety and well-being of my children. Do you have somewhere you can go? Is there someone you can stay with? I’m curious as to why you want to stay with this man, it sounds like a miserable living environment and he sounds like a prince (not!). Edited July 23, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You're hung up on an apology which is nonsense. Your concern should be your children's safety. Exactly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Yeah my opinion is that repeating hitting you back was more than just an ‘oops’ thing. I think if a guy has that in him once, he’ll do it again, just with the right provocation because many men wouldn’t hit a woman back if they got hit; and a few more might oops and hit back if the chick really hurt him, but waling on you like that, idk. Counseling maybe if you need to make this work. Poor kids:( I’m sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 8, 2021 Share Posted August 8, 2021 (edited) Are you from an ethnic background, OP, where it is usual for family to all live in the same house? It is difficult for most marriages to survive if relatives live with them as tensions inevitably arise with all the different needs involved. I cannot see this getting any better unless he will go to marital counselling with you. Even then, I think you both need to have your own place where other family members are not adding to the general mix. It is a dangerous situation where things turn physical. I can imagine you do not know where to turn. Depending on where you are, there might be women's hostels/refuges and the staff there could at least advise you on your next steps. It sounds a very dangerous situation and I would advise getting out of it to protect you and your child. Once things turn violent, people rarely stop there. Edited August 8, 2021 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
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