Saw ex-mm after six years

[stillafool]

What is happening is the devil is knocking on your door - step away and don't answer it.  This time you might go to jail.

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, solostand said:

This is true. I did not read the statements he, his wife and daughter made at the time the criminal harassment charges were filed so I don't know how afraid he was of me then, six years ago, but he is certainly not afraid of me now.

I should probably look up his statement. My lawyer advised me not to read the statements because I was in too fragile a headspace if you can imagine!

Now he's all googly eyes at me.

And his son in law, the husband of his daughter who supposedly needed a restraining order against me, is nice as pie to me, chatting me up and he knows who I am.

What is happening?

It does not matter what his statement says or how much he was afraid of you or not afraid of you. This guy is toxic to you. Your relationship with him put you in a crazy headspace. I am completely shocked to hear how you are responding to him being nice to you. You need to speak to your therapist pronto. 

I swore I read somewhere that the SIL did not know who you were? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I am completely shocked to hear how you are responding to him being nice to you. You need to speak to your therapist pronto. 

Agree. OP says that she is not going back, but the questions that she is asking suggest otherwise…

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

Now he's all googly eyes at me.

And his son in law, the husband of his daughter who supposedly needed a restraining order against me, is nice as pie to me, chatting me up and he knows who I am.

What is happening?

I think what's happening here is your xMM is at least thinking about "round 2".

It is possible that he found the you going crazy aspects of this entertaining/appealing at some level, despite the restraining orders etc. It may have fed his ego despite the risks he and his family faced. Also there is the whole "little head doing the thinking" thing that you get with many men.

Given what you apparently went through before, I think you should think long and hard before entertaining any ideas of re-starting this.

I agree with the advice to talk about this with your therapist, and presumably devise a "response" to the situation that does not potentially put your emotional health at risk. Steering clear of him completely would be one simple and obvious one.

[Crazelnut]

What's happening is that this POS is sucking you back in. You're already absorbed with thinking about him -- what, why, what's next. You put in so much work, so don't blow all that. Leave him alone. Leave the SIL alone. Leave the restraining order alone. Leave it alone! 

[solostand]

10 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

 Leave the restraining order alone. Leave it alone! 

Just to be clear, the restraining order expired five years ago. I just don't want people thinking there is currently one in place. As I said before, I never thought I would see this man again. And never thought he would be acting like a teenager around me.

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, solostand said:

Just to be clear, the restraining order expired five years ago. I just don't want people thinking there is currently one in place. As I said before, I never thought I would see this man again. And never thought he would be acting like a teenager around me.

It doesn't matter. 

You had a restraining order against you. What in heavens name makes you think going after this guy because you saw him at a meeting and he acted like a teenager is a good idea? 

In what parallel universe does this ever make a good idea? 

[solostand]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

It doesn't matter. 

You had a restraining order against you. What in heavens name makes you think going after this guy because you saw him at a meeting and he acted like a teenager is a good idea? 

In what parallel universe does this ever make a good idea? 

What on earth makes you think I am going after this guy? I saw him in a public meeting with is son in law there. Relax.

 

[BaileyB]

Life is funny sometimes, because it continues to present opportunities until we have learned the lesson. 

And those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it. 

 

Edited July 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[solostand]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Or, by the law. But, do you really want to experience that again? 

 

Look, there is absolutely no reason that I would be charged with any crime nor be required to sign a restraining order TODAY. The events that led to that restraining order occurred six, seven, eight years ago. My life is completely different today. It is full of love today. I have been absolutely clean and sober for four years. So I have no worries and hold my head high as I go about my day. Seeing a ghost from the past at my regular support group was completely shocking, and yes it certainly brought up many feelings that I thought I had put to rest. But I am a grown up and I can deal with feelings.

Thanks.

[Starswillshine]

30 minutes ago, solostand said:

What on earth makes you think I am going after this guy? I saw him in a public meeting with is son in law there. Relax.

 

IN everything you have written. It seems, and I could be wrong but it's the impression, that you are excited that he is still "into" you, and you would be happy to resume. It seems more that you thought for certain you never stood a chance because of what you put him and his family through, but now you are seeing that he isn't mad at you/doesn't hate you... Instead of it being that you are disgusted by him, what transpired, the way he made you feel/act, etc. 

[solostand]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

IN everything you have written. It seems, and I could be wrong but it's the impression, that you are excited that he is still "into" you, and you would be happy to resume. It seems more that you thought for certain you never stood a chance because of what you put him and his family through, but now you are seeing that he isn't mad at you/doesn't hate you... Instead of it being that you are disgusted by him, what transpired, the way he made you feel/act, etc. 

No it was more that it was unresolved, and one of those things that I thought could never be resolved. Now it is resolved. I apologized for hurting him, and his wife. I wanted to do that for a long time, but was waiting for the universe to put it in place. I also would like to apologize to his wife but I don't think she would be as forgiving as he. 

 

 

[Crazelnut]

You responded to the restraining order part of my post, but not the part where I stated my opinion that you are getting sucked back in. Hmmmm.

And fwiw, what I meant about the restraining order was this: don't go looking for the statements they made and don't go reading it again.  Leave it ALL alone. 

[Crazelnut]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

 I also would like to apologize to his wife but I don't think she would be as forgiving as he. 

 

 

He is not being "forgiving " He is being nasty and lecherous, given his behavior & language and given the circumstances of your previous relationship.

[solostand]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

He is not being "forgiving " He is being nasty and lecherous, given his behavior & language and given the circumstances of your previous relationship.

I'm sorry I wasn't aware you were intimately familiar with the circumstances of our prior relationship, nor of my actions nor his at the time. Thanks.

[Crazelnut]

14 hours ago, solostand said:

I'm sorry I wasn't aware you were intimately familiar with the circumstances of our prior relationship, nor of my actions nor his at the time. Thanks.

We know what you've told us -- an affair with a MM, an incredibly toxic mess, restraining order, the whole mess.  I think I know enough about your R to make that statement.

And now you appear to be defending him. You're getting emotionally sucked back in. 

[solostand]

Really? Maybe I didn't make my intentions clear: For at least five years, I have wanted to apologize because I hurt this man, his wife, and his family. Last week, I was given the opportunity by apparently the universe to do so. I apologized, it was accepted, and I was surprised at the man's reaction. That is all. The man is neither evil, nor good. I also am neither evil, nor good. We were two damaged human souls that came together for a short period of time and hopefully learned from it. I know this man very very well. We saw each other daily for two and a half years, until I moved away. He is 72 years old. I am 57. I think I at least am past the point of affairing with anyone ha ha.

[Starswillshine]

I went through and read all the past history....  Yikes, this guy is not good for your mental state. I hope, for your sake, that you leave it there at your apologies, and you are able to move forward without the obsessive thoughts. 

There are a lot of things that you did that reminded me a lot of the OW from my story. While it is easy to just stick a "crazy" label on her, I can definitely see where my xWH made her feel the way she did and why she acted in the manner she did. It is all the same, alcoholic, the texts with all the graphic details, etc. I would suggest a phone call or a meeting with your therapist to just make sure you don't go into that bad space again. I am just afraid that you may be on this high now, and the crash may put you back over into that space. 

I have been suicidal due to my ex, and I have promised myself to never allow someone who made me feel like that into my life again. I pray that you are strong in that conviction. 

[solostand]

On 7/27/2021 at 2:23 PM, Starswillshine said:

I went through and read all the past history....  Yikes, this guy is not good for your mental state. I hope, for your sake, that you leave it there at your apologies, and you are able to move forward without the obsessive thoughts. 

There are a lot of things that you did that reminded me a lot of the OW from my story. While it is easy to just stick a "crazy" label on her, I can definitely see where my xWH made her feel the way she did and why she acted in the manner she did. It is all the same, alcoholic, the texts with all the graphic details, etc. I would suggest a phone call or a meeting with your therapist to just make sure you don't go into that bad space again. I am just afraid that you may be on this high now, and the crash may put you back over into that space. 

I have been suicidal due to my ex, and I have promised myself to never allow someone who made me feel like that into my life again. I pray that you are strong in that conviction. 

Thank you. I find your words very kind. It is very difficult right now. It brought up so many emotions. I can't bear to go through the past posts because I know exactly what I sound like - a clingy, desperate, borderline personality who was obsessed with this man, who was also obsessed with me. I was also angry, and became very very hurt, and out of pain I tried to destroy him in every way I could think of. His family became involved because I insisted on telling them every detail of our affair. I started drinking and using and legit lost my mind for awhile there. 

I am allegedly in a good head space today but this has triggered me to the point off setting off every siren in my city.

I have been back to that meeting since I first saw him one week ago. I have seen him three times since then, all in a supervised setting. However, supervision meant nothing. It felt exactly like I had gone back in time ten years, when our affair was sizzling and hot in those A.A. rooms. The same people were even there, including the man who told his wife on us six years ago!

I am terrified. We have not reignited but a feeling of inevitibility is afoot.I hate admitting that but I must be honest. The plans have already begun.

[Crazelnut]

Hear that sound? It's the sound of you being sucked back in to a dark, bad place. This is not inevitable. You have choices.

[vla1120]

38 minutes ago, solostand said:

I am terrified. We have not reignited but a feeling of inevitibility is afoot.I hate admitting that but I must be honest. The plans have already begun.

For your own sake, please find another meeting day/time/location, even if you have to drive to the next town. Right now, you are fully cognizant of what is happening. Make the decision now to cut him completely out of your life for good before that feeling of inevitibility comes to fruition in a very bad way. You apologized to him. You don't need to apologize to his wife. 

Right now, you have complete control of the situation. Stay in control. You've come so far. It only takes one small slip up to lose it all. You know that. Don't let it happen. Stay strong!

[solostand]

6 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

For your own sake, please find another meeting day/time/location, even if you have to drive to the next town. Right now, you are fully cognizant of what is happening. Make the decision now to cut him completely out of your life for good before that feeling of inevitibility comes to fruition in a very bad way. You apologized to him. You don't need to apologize to his wife. 

Right now, you have complete control of the situation. Stay in control. You've come so far. It only takes one small slip up to lose it all. You know that. Don't let it happen. Stay strong!

Thanks so much I tell myself that about sixty times a minute. Then I keep asking the universe wtf????? Why me? Why now? I was happy living in a non novel, seriously.

I've taken some protection. I've told my sister. She has vowed to come to the next meeting I go to to guard me, if I go to that meeting again. I am telling her the truth, my true feelings, we are very close. She does not approve which is good, lol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, solostand said:

this has triggered me to the point off setting off every siren in my city.

This is very obvious. It’s always obvious when someone says “I’ve moved on and I will never go back, but… why did this happen? What do you think it means? Why did he say this to me? I felt butterflies. I could tell that he did too…”

That, to anyone listening, says you are not done. You are standing at a precipice on that very slippery slope… already starting to re-engage even if you have not actually accepted that yourself, talked with him, or made any plans to get together. 

1 hour ago, solostand said:

I have been back to that meeting since I first saw him one week ago. I have seen him three times since then

this is you, tentatively taking that first step on that slippery life. 

1 hour ago, solostand said:

a feeling of inevitibility is afoot.

Nothing is inevitable. You have control here. It is your decision whether you continue to engage with this man or not.

1 hour ago, solostand said:

The plans have already begun.

I hope you reconnect with your counsellor. You need intervention NOW. Lest, you find yourself with another restraining order and on a path of self destruction. If anything is inevitable here, it will be the consequences you experience if you chose to become involved with this man again. 

Edited July 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, solostand said:

Then I keep asking the universe wtf????? Why me? Why now? I was happy living in a non novel, seriously.

The best question to ask yourself is - do you love yourself more than you love this man? 

If the answer is yes, then the fact that the universe brought this man back into your life would be inconsequential because you would never chose to engage in decisions/behavior that would be self-harming again. 

Remember my quote - those who do not learn from history will be destined to repeat it. 

If the universe brought him back into your life for a reason - that reason is to see if you have learned the lesson of the how to respect/enforce a healthy boundary for yourself and how to protect your own mental health and emotional well-being. It’s most certainly not so that you can get involved again such that you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship and in trouble with the law. 

 

Edited July 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[solostand]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

The best question to ask yourself is - do you love yourself more than you love this man? 

If the answer is yes, then the fact that the universe brought this man back into your life would be inconsequential because you would never chose to engage in decisions/behavior that would be self-harming again. 

Remember my quote - those who do not learn from history will be destined to repeat it. 

If the universe brought him back into your life for a reason - that reason is to see if you have learned the lesson of the how to respect/enforce a healthy boundary for yourself and how to protect your own mental health and emotional well-being.

 

The reason I took the last almost four years off dating was to learn to love myself because at the time of this blow up, I hated every cell in my body. I knew no man could heal me I needed to heal myself. And believe it or not, I thought I had!!!!! I have carved out the happiest life, full of love and people and family and friends and joy! If a person had risen from the dead I would not have been more shocked.

I realize now this man was a helluva drug for me. This is why I kept wondering if it was/is true love tra la la la, just because the affair damaged us both so badly and caused such obsession. I worked out my addictions, but I have never worked out this affair, due to shame and no one really getting it. I just thought it was something I had to get over by myself, so I thought I did.