Saw ex-mm after six years

[solostand]

5 hours ago, anika99 said:

I seriously doubt that your sister was demanding to attend the same meeting that the exMM attends and I seriously doubt that your sister will demand that you take her to those meeting in the future. I strongly suspect that taking her to the same meeting the MM attends was entirely your idea. Maybe you can lie to yourself but you are fooling no one here. 

Actually I hate arguing about my motives and intentions on line. Shame doesn't work as a general deterrant with me, obviously. What does work is reframing my thinking and trying to figure out what is driving my behaviour, and changing my behaviour.

Obviosly, I am very challenged there but believe it or not I am doing those things. I don't need to act this way. It does not serve me. I should not run away because I can't control my emotions. I should learn to regulate my emotions. He's not so much a predator as I am letting a predator predate on me because, why? Why am I allowing a predator to feel my ass? Do I really not value myself? Guess not enough yet ha ha.

So yes its been a tough week but believe it or not, I am seriously starting to see it through matured eyes. have no expectations therefore can have no disappointments regarding this dude.

As for as this meeting goes, we all live in a really small town. This meeting is the only one that is available during the daytime hours. hours. It is also really popular and well attended and there is a lot of very good sobriety there. I actually don't think he was stalking me there. I legit do think he is there only for his son in law, who had to go to detox three weeks ago and landed to his first aa meeting with a broken arm and MM in tow.

He did say to me when I first saw him: WE knew you would be here, meaning I think that the family knew that I would be at that AA meeting the son in law was being taken to. Like there was some kind family meeting to discuss the stalker and how to deal with her at the very important meeting that the son in law had to go to regardless.

Well, the stalker is getting her ass grabbed on the stairs while the son in law is out of sight! The gall when you really think if it, eh?

Not saying I am innocent. I am not at all. I was too nice to him, to quick to apologize with tears in my eyes (although he did deserve one and I don't care if he's the devil. What I did to him was absolutely horrible. He lost friends and family over it, almost lost his job, and for the life of me I have no idea why his wife would stay with him after what she heard but she did and who am I to judge?

I was too quick to let those chemicals rush into my brain. I wanted some kind of storybook ending to this affair of mine which had eaten up such a huge chunk of my life.

I have a tendency to magical thinking, always have had one, and therefore all things somehow have to be part of some novel type narrative. 

But then I thought, I got an ending. It ended. 

Then I started to remember the intense pain I suffered in that affair. So much pain I suffered. I remember waiting for that phone call, putting my life on hold in case he might drop over, knowing that at 4 p.m. his cell phone went off as his wife cooked his supper and put him to bed. . .just buckets and buckets of pain for what? To have an old very married man whisper he loved me.

I really do believe I am too good for that now. 

Oh, the reason I came back here to post about it was, well, you can't really tell people this sort of thing, can you? Hey, guess what? Remember that married man that had his family accuse me of being a stalker and almost put me in jail? Well, ha ha, funny thing, he's back in my life and we're great friends!

[S2B]

You would be doing yourself and your sister a favor to start up a women’s only meeting. Yep, and actually do the steps of the program. Do them over and over.

Allowing him to grab you without any consequences? I’m shaking my head! That’s just another disrespectful move on his part and you allowed him to disrespect you.

stop with the games - you are enjoying his attention.

nothing of what you’ve described shows healthy recovery - from either of you. You have work to do - and not in one of those two meetings - you’re too distracted by him to help others.

start sponsoring other women too. You need to find the real reason for the program. When you give back ten times more than you’ve been taking then maybe you’ll start to live a few of the principles of the program.

you really aren’t being honest with yourself. And you are (again) going to cause more harm to many if you keep up what you’re doing.

start a women’s meeting. Meet every morning if needed. I’ve started many meetings at my home. It may allow you to focus on doing the hard work necessary in recovery.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, solostand said:

I have a tendency to magical thinking, always have had one, and therefore all things somehow have to be part of some novel type narrative. 

Just tune him out. Ask your therapist about tips on how to do that.

[solostand]

43 minutes ago, S2B said:

You would be doing yourself and your sister a favor to start up a women’s only meeting. Yep, and actually do the steps of the program. Do them over and over.

Allowing him to grab you without any consequences? I’m shaking my head! That’s just another disrespectful move on his part and you allowed him to disrespect you.

stop with the games - you are enjoying his attention.

nothing of what you’ve described shows healthy recovery - from either of you. You have work to do - and not in one of those two meetings - you’re too distracted by him to help others.

start sponsoring other women too. You need to find the real reason for the program. When you give back ten times more than you’ve been taking then maybe you’ll start to live a few of the principles of the program.

you really aren’t being honest with yourself. And you are (again) going to cause more harm to many if you keep up what you’re doing.

start a women’s meeting. Meet every morning if needed. I’ve started many meetings at my home. It may allow you to focus on doing the hard work necessary in recovery.

The thing is, I do go to women's recovery meetings. I also belong to my home group which meets twice weekly in the evening. Some days I go to five to seven meetings a week. I have been to detox, rehab, and lived in a women's recovery home. I have done the steps many times. I have been in and out of recovery for 25 years, with more time in, than out. So please don't question my recovery chops, thanks.

You are free to question my thinking on why I would even talk to this man, however. I realize now how skanky it must look to others and I certainly don't want to identify as the type of woman who would let a married man grab her ass. So disrespectful when I think of it. Any other man at that meeting would have gotten a pure slap across the face from me. One man hugged me and I actually retorted: oh, we're hugging now are we? See, we can question my own level of self respect and self hatred. That's better.

There's no problem finding meetings. The problem is finding daytime meetings. Covid shut down all but one. Believe it or not, I am not young anymore and don't really like going out at night if ya can believe it. I have a busy life with five girls and one son and a cat and a sister and family, and I am in bed by 8 p.m. most days.

My sister, on the other hand, can't stay sober any day until 8 p.m. and that's just a fact.

Last week I took her to visit her husband in hospital because he had almost died of a bowel perforation. She was so drunk I had to hold her up walking her into the facility because she was staggering. This was approximately noon. That is the life she is living at the moment. She herself almost died last November from cirrhosis of the liver. She knows she has to choose to live or die. I did at one time too and I chose to live. She can only make that choice but I truly think if I can coax her into detox, or through meetings, she can see hope, if that makes any sense. Her husband has asked me to try to help, and she is reaching out, so my God, in the name of our late Father and Mother, of course I must try.

Since this is an affair forum, I won't go on at length about how I've been talking up detox and every meeting I can think of and rehab and saying she can go on disability etc. Anything to save her life and I meant that long before that creature ever showed his face again.

[Starswillshine]

15 hours ago, solostand said:

also thought I might text his wife to ask her to tell her husband to keep his grimy hands off my ass thanks, but it's not her fault unfortunately.

And there it is.....

And though you are saying you won't do it (and I believe it), this is exactly how you got in trouble in the first place. The competition mentality against his wife that he has chosen to stay with. The "even though I put you all through hell, he still grabbed my a**. He is not disgusted with me, it must be that he loves me." <--- this is how we all know you are headed down the same place as before. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

this is how we all know you are headed down the same place as before. 

This is how we know you are absolutely enjoying the drama of it all. 

[Bittersweetie]

Is it possible to attend an online meeting to replace the one xMM is currently attending? You mentioned other meetings that seem to be in person, maybe you could, for at least a short time, do that specific time slot online in order to avoid xMM and all that additional baggage. I realize online stuff may not be as effective but it could be good for you to avoid xMM until you can work out some of this stuff yourself. It's been ten years since my affair and occasionally I still find something put in my path to provide a new learning experience. This latest thing with xMM at the meeting is just another rock on the path and I wonder if you're able to not see him while you move that rock off the path if it might be helpful. 

[solostand]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

And there it is.....

And though you are saying you won't do it (and I believe it), this is exactly how you got in trouble in the first place. The competition mentality against his wife that he has chosen to stay with. The "even though I put you all through hell, he still grabbed my a**. He is not disgusted with me, it must be that he loves me." <--- this is how we all know you are headed down the same place as before. 

Agreed. You are correct. 

As soon as I wrote that I felt creepy. I thought of it all evening yesterday. I was in a hellava sick sick competition with her back then, in my head anyway. I could not win it but I was in it to win it for sure. At first, he said he was going to leave her. I believed him. Then I recall the day he drove me to the beach and broke up with me sexually, due to the fact that it just wasn't him to break up a whole family and give away half his money. He wanted everything else with me exactly the same though. The deep deep phone calls seven times a day where he complained to me of every boring thing his wife was probably tired of listening to, the oogling each other across a crowded room, the money he used to give me all the time, and the drives everywhere. Oh what crazymaking drama that was!

We were having sex two days later and our affair ramped up a many more notches, two more years worth of notches in fact, only with the new rule that he was not leaving the missus. I however felt he would somehow see the light and let me be the prize. I am being honest here this was my thinking when I was crazy.

I also Remember when he told me he was thinking of killing his wife to be with me. Anyone else remember that? I shared it here on this board though  I haven't looked it up. He was so obsessed with me, he said, he was thinking of ways to knock her off. He couldn't hurt her feelings and lose his money by leaving her, but sure, how about killing her?

 Yeah, what a prize. I remembered that today. Looking back he was SO very disrespectful towards her. Seriously disparaging about her.

So thanks for making me think about all that. I am not headed down that place but it would have been so easy if I was still the little lost girl afraid of being abandoned. But that is not me anymore. I am better than that. His wife deserves peace. She is 74 for God's sake. She knows she's been married to an a**h*** for 42 years and that is the cross she is bearing. She is religious and had even forgiven me until I went too far.

I just have to quit that meeting altogether and just move on with positivity. Thanks for making me be honest. You guys are really helping seriously. I came on here to vent but reading all these replies makes me realize how ewwwwwww this whole relationship was and is still!

[Starswillshine]

A lot of what MMs say to their OW is a reflection of what they BELIEVE the OW wants to hear. 

Just some food for thought. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

It seems to me it's really good that you came back on and posted, solo. Your posts on this thread have taken a turn from fantasy to reality. You could have run away rather than to face some of the challenging posts but instead, you took them to heart and are facing their content honestly it seems to me.

Why not print this threat out to read when your mind goes to an unhealthy place about him? Not saying the thread has ended...

Editing to add: Now that you mention it I do recall you posting that he was talking about doing away with her....sicko!

Edited July 31, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[solostand]

31 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

It seems to me it's really good that you came back on and posted, solo. Your posts on this thread have taken a turn from fantasy to reality. You could have run away rather than to face some of the challenging posts but instead, you took them to heart and are facing their content honestly it seems to me.

Why not print this threat out to read when your mind goes to an unhealthy place about him? Not saying the thread has ended...

Editing to add: Now that you mention it I do recall you posting that he was talking about doing away with her....sicko!

This thread is having a heavy influence on me and the way I allow myself to think, where I let my mind wander.

I don't have to print it out and carry it with me, it is in my head with me at all times, at least at all times I let him in my head, which is shockingly disappointingly far too often unfortunately. But I'm really glad I came on here where I know the lingo and lived the whole daily drama for awhile.  Never again, although reading this board is a good reminder why I should be grateful this man is no longer in my life, not longing for some meeting to settle some unknown score and also so I can prove once again that I'm a psycho?

No thanks! 

Keep checking tho, cause I gotta stay strong with NC now Goddammit all. NC two words I thought I'd never have to say again. Thanks son in law!

Actually, on a serious note, if he is actually taking his son in law to that meeting to help his son in law get sober, then I at least owe the son in law a good chance at sobriety. I will give him that by staying far away from that meeting so his father in law can concentrate on the message.

 

 

[Noproblem]

Op, I don't know you. Chances are we'll never meet. 
But please, please please, don't ever go to a meeting where you might meet this guy ever again. 

He'll ruin your life again.

Promise us you won't go there!

[solostand]

9 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Op, I don't know you. Chances are we'll never meet. 
But please, please please, don't ever go to a meeting where you might meet this guy ever again. 

He'll ruin your life again.

Promise us you won't go there!

Promised! I have not gone and have already decided not to go again.

At first I was feeling some weird sense of The Universe, Inevitability, True Love, Twin Flames, Soul Mates, blah blah blah. Then I read a few threads on here and remembered: We ALL thought we were star crossed lovers meant to be in one of those bodice-ripping novels, that our affair was somehow DIFFERENT, that our APs were so smitten with love for us that they would never dismiss us. 

Until they did. Even then, I blamed the wife. I blamed the daughter, the son, the son in law, the grandkids. Not him and certainly not me. I was a victim!

Anyway, I had another thought. He showed up at my AA meeting with his son in law, who needs help. This is the same AA meeting the ex MM sobered up at 13 years ago. I have been going to that particular meeting for the last 3.5 years and never once saw him, despite the fact that he knew I attended.

When his son in law had a crisis, the solution was to sober him up. He decided to take him to the same meeting that sobered him up 13 years ago. He didn't care if I was or wasn't at that meeting. 

If he really was the alleged love of my life, he could have come to that meeting to see me every single day for the last 3.5 years. He never did. He never made any attempt at contact. That's because he doesn't actually care. For good reason: I was a legit psycho! Why should he care? 

He saw me, I apologized to him, and he thought what a great opportunity to feed his ego and grab my ass on the stairs occassionally and I let him!

Ewww.

Seriously, I still have a lot of self esteem work to do.

Ewwwww.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

5 hours ago, solostand said:

Seriously, I still have a lot of self esteem work to do.

 

 

And you're doing it! One step at  time! You're a smart girl!  You've chosen not to wallow in a fantasy and not to be offended when folks are waking you up to reality!

Way to go, Solo!

[solostand]

5 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

And you're doing it! One step at  time! You're a smart girl!  You've chosen not to wallow in a fantasy and not to be offended when folks are waking you up to reality!

Way to go, Solo!

It was so funny today I was out with my sis and she said the reason she was so shocked when she first saw him is because he looks like an old man who has one foot in the grave!!!! And he does!!! We did laugh about it all day.

[Noproblem]

13 hours ago, solostand said:

Promised! I have not gone and have already decided not to go again.

At first I was feeling some weird sense of The Universe, Inevitability, True Love, Twin Flames, Soul Mates, blah blah blah. Then I read a few threads on here and remembered: We ALL thought we were star crossed lovers meant to be in one of those bodice-ripping novels, that our affair was somehow DIFFERENT, that our APs were so smitten with love for us that they would never dismiss us. 

Until they did. Even then, I blamed the wife. I blamed the daughter, the son, the son in law, the grandkids. Not him and certainly not me. I was a victim!

Anyway, I had another thought. He showed up at my AA meeting with his son in law, who needs help. This is the same AA meeting the ex MM sobered up at 13 years ago. I have been going to that particular meeting for the last 3.5 years and never once saw him, despite the fact that he knew I attended.

When his son in law had a crisis, the solution was to sober him up. He decided to take him to the same meeting that sobered him up 13 years ago. He didn't care if I was or wasn't at that meeting. 

If he really was the alleged love of my life, he could have come to that meeting to see me every single day for the last 3.5 years. He never did. He never made any attempt at contact. That's because he doesn't actually care. For good reason: I was a legit psycho! Why should he care? 

He saw me, I apologized to him, and he thought what a great opportunity to feed his ego and grab my ass on the stairs occassionally and I let him!

Ewww.

Seriously, I still have a lot of self esteem work to do.

Ewwwww.

 

I am so proud of you and you can do it, you can get rid of him forever. 

You deserve better and you will encounter better, only if you open your heart and let go of the past!

[S2B]

And if you don’t go to THAT particular meeting - replace it with meeting with someone you sponsor each week. That what the 12th step is about - actively helping others who need help - and doing the steps with them.

anyone who has done the step work benefits a lot when they take others through the steps. Gathering to do steps is classified as a meeting… when two or more are gathered… 😀

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 hours ago, solostand said:

It was so funny today I was out with my sis and she said the reason she was so shocked when she first saw him is because he looks like an old man who has one foot in the grave!!!! And he does!!! We did laugh about it all day.

Whether he looks young or old, with the type of behavior he's engaging in he's got at least a foot in the grave and is trying to pull you in with him!

 

 

[solostand]

3 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Whether he looks young or old, with the type of behavior he's engaging in he's got at least a foot in the grave and is trying to pull you in with him!

 

 

I know but if I was to get involved with him again, I would be checking the obituaries every morning for his name. I was actually doing that seven years ago, lol. So it's keeping my away. . .

[solostand]

Yesterday I went to a meeting and He Was There! It was a different meeting I attended, a different day, and there he was! Trying to make googly eyes at me across a crowded room et cetera.

Does he not give a s*** about how this affects me? I spent six years trying to get over my obsession with him. I have spent the last three weeks or so working out the past affair and all the feelings, and finally dealing with it I thought, and making really really good progress, but why is he intruding in my life? And why am still attracted to him. Why?

I have so so much more work to do. Nothing happened but I was not as rude as I should have been. I was nice to him. I talked to him. Why? Because I want to prove I'm not a psycho. Who cares? That's the past and I am supposed to be living in the present. 

Earlier I read a thread of a woman whose ex MM died. I remember posting on the boards years ago with her when we were highly entangled in our affair. Despite the absolute sickness of me allowing anything to begin again with this MM, the pain and despair it would cause his wife, me, his daughter, and all down the line, it reminded me I would be constantly checking the obituaries for his name daily because he is old. That is just stupid.

Thanks for listening.

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, solostand said:

I have so so much more work to do. Nothing happened but I was not as rude as I should have been. I was nice to him. I talked to him. Why? Because I want to prove I'm not a psycho. Who cares? That's the past and I am supposed to be living in the present.

Solo, you owe this man nothing. You don't have to be "nice" to prove you're not a psycho. I think sometimes, as women, we feel the need to be nice to everyone in order to prove we're a good person or decent or whatever. But you know what? In this case you don't have to be like that. You can ignore, or gray rock, or move chairs so you're out of his line of vision. What he thinks of you or what others think of you do not matter, you do what is best and most healthy for you. 

[S2B]

You will continue to see him. And you’d be doing well and making progress to simply tell him point blank to stay away from you and to leave you alone!

speak up! Have a voice! Speak YOUR truth! That’s what your program is about! 
it’s also about minimizing harms done - to yourself and to others - and the only way to do that is to make sure you are perfectly clear with him to stay away from you! In meetings and in life!

[doubledink]

Put a restraining order on him. He has already assaulted you and continues to stalk you. 

But that would require a commitment to end this. Methinks thou dost protest too much.

Edited August 11, 2021 by doubledink

[solostand]

14 hours ago, doubledink said:

Put a restraining order on him. He has already assaulted you and continues to stalk you. 

But that would require a commitment to end this. Methinks thou dost protest too much.

I actually thought about that, for protection only. His wife was relentless in the past with bringing charges and getting police involved. 

But now I'm not going anywhere near public meetings. I'm a zoom girl now baby!!!! He can't figure out technology so he can't find me on zoom meetings. Hope I never lay eyes on him again actually. I've already been damaged just by seeing him those couple of times.

Edited August 12, 2021 by solostand

[Bittersweetie]

Solo, I am glad you've found some online meetings to attend for now. Thinking about what you just wrote, maybe you and your therapist can come up a plan for when/if you see xMM again. Obviously this time was challenging for you, maybe having a specific action plan (what you'd say, what you'd do, your external reaction, etc) would make you feel stronger about the whole situation. I came up with a phrase I would say if I ever ran into my xMM and I think it made me feel better overall.