Saw ex-mm after six years

[solostand]

On 5/25/2021 at 2:52 AM, Crazelnut said:

It's been 5 years for me. I do occasionally think of him/the affair, but never in a positive way. No fond reminiscing -- just deep remorse and disbelief that I was ever that pathetic and stupid.  It doesn't hurt at all anymore, and I've completely moved on.  

Moderator note: this thread is an offshoot of original thread 

 

 

 

Six years for me. It was a 2.5 year affair with a mm that ended with me signing a restraining order to stay away from him, his wife and grown daughter.

saw him today for the first time in six years. I was terrified he would hit me and rant about what a psycho I was.

instead, he said he thinks about me every day. That he knows I’m sorry. That he lives me. . , and more 

I could walk right back into this affair? It took me six years to stop thinking of him every dam day!

Edited July 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Snakesalive]

10 hours ago, solostand said:

Six years for me. It was a 2.5 year affair with a mm that ended with me signing a restraining order to stay away from him, his wife and grown daughter.

saw him today for the first time in six years. I was terrified he would hit me and rant about what a psycho I was.

instead, he said he thinks about me every day. That he knows I’m sorry. That he lives me. . , and more 

I could walk right back into this affair? It took me six years to stop thinking of him every dam day!

Wow that must have felt very surreal and difficult to listen to -what a way to mess with your head . Hope you’re ok 

[solostand]

It is 24 hours later and I still feel like I was somehow visiting an alternate reality. 

I blew this man's world to smithereens. I truly lost my sanity. I was charged with criminal harassment and had to sign a stay away order to have the charges dropped.

I literally had not seen nor spoken to him since, for six entire years.

Yesterday, I was at a meeting. He suddenly walked into the same meeting. I was horrified. As soon as his eyes rested on me he broke out into a huge grin to the point I thought he was drunk.

He watched me the entire meeting. After the meeting, he came right to me. I tried to apologize for my horrible behaviour of six years ago and he said I know you're sorry, you were crazy you had to be. He was grinning the whole time.

He touched me. He mentioned secret memories. He said he thinks of me every day. He said he had been looking at a photo of me that morning. He said he would be back at the same meeting Friday.

You have to realize this is a man I did not believe I would ever be able to make amends to because my behaviour towards him, and particularly his family, was so reprehensible. I was and am very remorseful, but I thought I would be standing on his grave saying these things instead of saying them into a very happy, loving face.

I am flabbergasted. I thought I was over the affair, though I did think of him every single f***ing day, but for a second I thought: Maybe he IS  the love of my life?

[RebeccaR]

15 minutes ago, solostand said:

He said he would be back at the same meeting Friday.

Sounds like he’s been stalking you and he planned this. If this is AA as your earlier threads imply, can you find a different meeting? He sounds like an a-h0le

Edited July 22, 2021 by RebeccaR
Typo

[solostand]

Oh yeah, I think it's just random tho. I hardly ever go to this meeting, and in the three years I have been going, I have never once seen him there. Yesterday he was bringing his son in law, who apparently just got out of rehab. son in law did not recognize me thank god.

[BourneWicked]

Solostand, will he remove the restraining order and get a divorce? Sure, he's the love of your life. 

Will he not do that, and continue secret elicit meetings instead? Then probs it's just another affair. You're a great drug, and he was missing you. 

You've done so much work. Don't go back down that path for anything less than a real relationship 

[solostand]

10 minutes ago, BourneWicked said:

Solostand, will he remove the restraining order and get a divorce? Sure, he's the love of your life. 

Will he not do that, and continue secret elicit meetings instead? Then probs it's just another affair. You're a great drug, and he was missing you. 

You've done so much work. Don't go back down that path for anything less than a real relationship 

Thank you for saying that. The restraining order was only for one year, so it's lifted. But of course he will never get a divorce. I know that I was just pointing out how my head works. I haven't had a date in almost four years this relationship screwed me up so badly. Why on earth would he be put in my path NOW when I'm doing so well? A test?

 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, solostand said:

I was charged with criminal harassment and had to sign a stay away order to have the charges dropped.

Maybe he IS  the love of my life?

Reread these two sentences together? This is not "love" .

Have you seen a physician or therapist? That could help you get to the root of your obsessions before you end up in jail this time.

[BourneWicked]

23 minutes ago, solostand said:

Thank you for saying that. The restraining order was only for one year, so it's lifted. But of course he will never get a divorce. I know that I was just pointing out how my head works. I haven't had a date in almost four years this relationship screwed me up so badly. Why on earth would he be put in my path NOW when I'm doing so well? A test?

 

Go on a date! Make it low stakes, some rando off tinder (lol) with a goal in mind to learn 3 interesting things about this new person and go home. 

It can only help. I find replacing all the old memories with new memories is the only way I'm slowly moving forward 

[solostand]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Have you seen a physician or therapist? That could help you get to the root of your obsessions before you end up in jail this time.

yes and yes. Also, it is not illegal to talk to him because the stay away order expired five years ago. 

[BaileyB]

You have really lost your way when you are forced to end an affair by a restraining order. 

I’m sorry that he has crossed your path again, it sounds like you have done a lot of work and this has really set you back. I hope you are able to acknowledge that this is your past - not a particularly proud moment in your life, I’m sure. It’s time to keep walking forward. 

As they say, if I saw this guy walking down the street, I would cross over to the other sidewalk. Good luck! 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

He watched me the entire meeting. After the meeting, he came right to me. I tried to apologize for my horrible behaviour of six years ago and he said I know you're sorry, you were crazy you had to be. He was grinning the whole time.

He touched me. He mentioned secret memories. He said he thinks of me every day. He said he had been looking at a photo of me that morning. He said he would be back at the same meeting Friday.

Maybe he IS  the love of my life?

This is a cruel thing to do to another human being. He knows how difficult it was for you to end the relationship. IF he respected you and the work you have done to get sober and move forward, he would not say or do the things he did at that meeting. IF he was kind, and considerate, and he loved you - he would not want to put you in a position where you could be hurt again. 

So no, this man is not the love of your life. He is an opportunist. He sees your weakness, and he has no problem exploiting it. 

[torn_heart]

15 hours ago, solostand said:

Six years for me. It was a 2.5 year affair with a mm that ended with me signing a restraining order to stay away from him, his wife and grown daughter.

saw him today for the first time in six years. I was terrified he would hit me and rant about what a psycho I was.

instead, he said he thinks about me every day. That he knows I’m sorry. That he lives me. . , and more 

I could walk right back into this affair? It took me six years to stop thinking of him every dam day!

To be honest, I'm amazed the level of emotional stress these situations put our minds in. I've never thought I'd behave some ways I have, and the same thing goes to my ex-OW. But I'm starting to think that maybe affairs, with this level of emotions, occur mostly between emotionally unstable people.  

I really hope you stay calm these days. Wish you the best.

[BourneWicked]

Torn_heart that's a good call. I'm normally pretty level but in the affair I was crazy. I think it brings out the most basic, primal, biological reactions. Because it's reproduction-related, survival of the species. Survival of the self (because these stories can and do take a life threatening turn at times, and create dangerous situations at home). 

In reality, the danger is self created and our rational selves can say "there isn't just this one person that we need to chase emotional highs and lows with/plenty of fish/etc." 

[solostand]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

To be honest, I'm amazed the level of emotional stress these situations put our minds in. I've never thought I'd behave some ways I have, and the same thing goes to my ex-OW. But I'm starting to think that maybe affairs, with this level of emotions, occur mostly between emotionally unstable people.  

I really hope you stay calm these days. Wish you the best.

you have no idea for me. My life is going amazingly well and I have come a very long way in almost a decade, but one sentence from him puts me emotionally right back there. Butterflies, the entire bit. And I had no doubt he had them too. Crazy world.

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, solostand said:

yes and yes. Also, it is not illegal to talk to him because the stay away order expired five years ago. 

Not illegal to talk to him but very bad for your mental health , well-being , sobriety and recovery 

[solostand]

23 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Not illegal to talk to him but very bad for your mental health , well-being , sobriety and recovery 

I agree but it certainly won't put me in jail as you said, lol

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, solostand said:

I agree but it certainly won't put me in jail as you said, lol

The question becomes, are you going to chose to stay on this path that you have worked so hard to find for yourself or are you going to change course and return to a path of self destruction? Your decision. 

[solostand]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The question becomes, are you going to chose to stay on this path that you have worked so hard to find for yourself or are you going to change course and return to a path of self destruction? Your decision. 

Oh absolutely! I am not going to return to that life. My gosh no. I just can't believe what happened, happened yesterday. When I think back to all of the things that occurred six years ago, I honestly thought if I EVER met up with him again - which I felt was unlikely - he would cross the street to avoid me. I cannot imagine the trauma that would rain down on him if his wife heard of our stupidly happy reunion! I did not think of her then, but I am thinking of her now!

[Luna66star]

This guy is a psychopath.  Look what he did to your life.  A restraining order against you?  How can you even look at this nutbar!  He grins at you?  My god, please don't ever speak to or look at his face again.

I would be livid?!

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/22/2021 at 1:57 PM, solostand said:

 he would cross the street to avoid me

That would be a good route for you to take. Run the other way from this scenario.👟👟

[Starswillshine]

This guy put you in a space that made you turn to crazy measures that you got harassment charges and a restraining order. And your thought process was that maybe he was the love of your life? It sounds like you have to get back to work. Having someone compliment me after putting me in that headspace would make me literally sick. I would not have been able to be in the same room much less have a conversation with him. 

[stillafool]

On 7/22/2021 at 7:26 AM, solostand said:

but I thought I would be standing on his grave saying these things instead of saying them into a very happy, loving face.

I am flabbergasted. I thought I was over the affair, though I did think of him every single f***ing day, but for a second I thought: Maybe he IS  the love of my life?

Okay so you got to apologize to a living man instead of a corpse.  Good for you.  Please don't be foolish enough to go back because he still isn't going to leave his wife and be with you. Know that and act accordingly.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/22/2021 at 7:26 AM, solostand said:

As soon as his eyes rested on me he broke out into a huge grin to the point I thought he was drunk.

Goggle "predatory stare".

[solostand]

On 7/25/2021 at 10:32 AM, Starswillshine said:

This guy put you in a space that made you turn to crazy measures that you got harassment charges and a restraining order. And your thought process was that maybe he was the love of your life? It sounds like you have to get back to work. Having someone compliment me after putting me in that headspace would make me literally sick. I would not have been able to be in the same room much less have a conversation with him. 

This is true. I did not read the statements he, his wife and daughter made at the time the criminal harassment charges were filed so I don't know how afraid he was of me then, six years ago, but he is certainly not afraid of me now.

I should probably look up his statement. My lawyer advised me not to read the statements because I was in too fragile a headspace if you can imagine!

Now he's all googly eyes at me.

And his son in law, the husband of his daughter who supposedly needed a restraining order against me, is nice as pie to me, chatting me up and he knows who I am.

What is happening?