Saw ex-mm after six years

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, solostand said:

The reason I took the last almost four years off dating was to learn to love myself because at the time of this blow up, I hated every cell in my body. I knew no man could heal me I needed to heal myself. And believe it or not, I thought I had!!!!! I have carved out the happiest life, full of love and people and family and friends and joy!

Good for you! That’s a tremendous accomplishment. 

32 minutes ago, solostand said:

I realize now this man was a helluva drug for me.

It certainly sound like it! 

This reminds me of the two kids in school who gravitate together to cause trouble in the classroom no matter where they sit or how the teacher intervenes, they eventually need to be separated in different classrooms. No contact. It’s sometimes the only way for schools, it’s likely the only answer here. 

35 minutes ago, solostand said:

I worked out my addictions, but I have never worked out this affair

May I suggest that this is your opportunity. Rather than questioning the universe and wondering if this man is the love of your life, the one that got away… may I suggest that you thank the universe for providing you an opportunity to continue your journey forward to healing and personal growth. Perhaps, you weren’t ready to do that work before but now you are, and the universe has provided you with a lovely opportunity to prove just how far you have come and to take those next steps forward… 
 

[Starswillshine]

Listen, if the universe was really sending you a sign that this man is your soul mate, true love.... wouldn't it be sending him single and divorced? 

It sounds like you put this in motion yourself. Attending the same meeting you did all those years ago. The one you met him at, the one he also frequented. Also, I thought you moved hours away? 

The man is still married. Nothing has changed. You could not deal with being the OW then, how will you now? It was so bad that you went back to drinking and attempted suicide. Why would you ever want to go back to that? To the man who made you feel this way? 

[solostand]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

Good for you! That’s a tremendous accomplishment. 

It certainly sound like it! 

This reminds me of the two kids in school who gravitate together to cause trouble in the classroom no matter where they sit or how the teacher intervenes, they eventually need to be separated in different classrooms. No contact. It’s sometimes the only way for schools, it’s likely the only answer here. 

May I suggest that this is your opportunity. Rather than questioning the universe and wondering if this man is the love of your life, the one that got away… may I suggest that you thank the universe for providing you an opportunity to continue your journey forward to healing and personal growth. Perhaps, you weren’t ready to do that work before but now you are, and the universe has provided you with a lovely opportunity to prove just how far you have come and to take those next steps forward… 
 

Ha you are so very right. So much of our affair was fuelled by the badness of it all. Giving the looks,  touchy feely in meetings, knowing people were noticing but defying them to say anything about it. After two and a half years his wife’s best friends husband, who had been watching daily and gathering evidence, told leading to DDay one. I moved away immediately but that’s when I really lost my mind.

however one thing we used to say to each other constantly back then was “I feel like I’m 15”.

Just trying to figure out who to talk to about this urgently. I no longer have any mental health professionals and haven’t for almost four years. It’s a judgment laden topic and can’t be discussed with friends or family cause, well, restraining order?

 

[solostand]

11 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Listen, if the univer

It sounds like you put this in motion yourself. Attending the same meeting you did all those years ago. The one you met him at, the one he also frequented. 

I moved five hours away and lived there for three years. That is where my breakdown occurred. It was the sudden end of affair, total loneliness, lonesome for my family and friends. I had never lived away from my hometown before and never will again because I am not meant to roam. Even as a child I could not stay at friends homes or go on field trips due to crying with lonesomeness.

I came home luckily not in a coffin, got sober and off all psychiatric meds (benzodiazepines particularly holy hell did I suffer) and began attending aa in my small town. I was told early on he never attended meetings. I assumed he wasn’t allowed or was so disgusted by how I publicly humiliated him he quit.

for 3.5 years I have never seen him at a meeting or anywhere. I also assumed he might be blind cause he had bad eyes and perhaps sick cause he is in his 70s and was always phoning me from his death bed to declare his undying love when we were together.

Then, one week ago, he walked into my meeting looking healthy as a horse and hadn’t aged a f***ing year with a big stupid grin on his face

[solostand]

17 minutes ago, solostand said:

It sounds like you put this in motion yourself. Attending the same meeting you did all those years ago. The one you met him at, the one he also frequented. 

I have also learned, from him, that he knew I attended that meeting regularly. He also knew where I live and where my son lives. He knew where I worked. He knew other details of my life. I was very surprised he knew all this info. I made it a point of never asking about him, although it has been very very difficult not to do so sometimes. But I was proud that I had never once asked in that meeting to any of his friends, nor mentioned one word about him.

So who is stalking whom, I might ask? Not that it matters its batshit crazy whatever way you look at it.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, solostand said:

I have also learned, from him, that he knew I attended that meeting regularly. He also knew where I live and where my son lives. He knew where I worked. He knew other details of my life. I was very surprised he knew all this info.

You are obviously quite flattered.

I would be really pissed off. He hasn’t respected the boundary and he’s jeopardizing my recovery. That would make me really angry.

He has nothing to lose, you have everything to lose. 

[solostand]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He has nothing to lose, you have everything to lose. 

He has a marriage, three grandchildren, two adult children and their spouses. I am sure it was made clear to him after DDay they would not tolerate it. In fact, in know his daughter whom he loves dearly would not speak to him and got him a five dollar gift card for Christmas. They are wealthy.

[Allupinnit]

Are you guys still eye-f*cking at these meetings, and that's why you know it's about to start up again?

I would run so far and fast from this person, it sounds like you were willing to even sacrifice your very life because of how he treated you and made you feel.  This isn't love.  Despite what our culture tells us chemistry to the point of insanity isn't the gold standard of romance we should be basing our life choices on.  I mean, clearly as evidenced here. It's fleeting.  Our hearts deceive us.

This man will destroy you again.  Find an online AA meeting and stop going to this one in hopes of seeing him.  Also, it''s not that hard to find stuff out about people when you google them.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, solostand said:

He has a marriage, three grandchildren, two adult children and their spouses. I am sure it was made clear to him after DDay they would not tolerate it. In fact, in know his daughter whom he loves dearly would not speak to him and got him a five dollar gift card for Christmas. They are wealthy.

Doesn’t stop him from flirting with you at the meeting. Men tend to come away from these things a lot less damaged than women - as evidenced by your first go around…

[Starswillshine]

After reading all the posts from the past, it is obvious OP was very addicted to the drama of this relationship. 

Something the OW said to me once that when her life is without drama, it is just boring. That the super lows are followed by highs, and that is excited and extremely addicting. It is not surprising that 2 people with addictive personalities are enjoying going back to drama. Healthy people want to run from the drama; it is obvious you are not in a healthy space. 

This sort of relationship is anything but love. 

[solostand]

4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Are you guys still eye-f*cking at these meetings, and that's why you know it's about to start up again?

I would run so far and fast from this person, it sounds like you were willing to even sacrifice your very life because of how he treated you and made you feel.  This isn't love.  Despite what our culture tells us chemistry to the point of insanity isn't the gold standard of romance we should be basing our life choices on.  I mean, clearly as evidenced here. It's fleeting.  Our hearts deceive us.

This man will destroy you again.  Find an online AA meeting and stop going to this one in hopes of seeing him.  Also, it''s not that hard to find stuff out about people when you google them.  

Actually this isn't quite true. I was willing to sacrifice my very life due to a major relapse of my well established and long standing disease of addiction. He was not really a factor in the relapse except in an indirect way. Funny I have had no suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, psychiatric hospitalizations, police involvement, restraining orders or ambulance rides since I stopped drinking. Only peace and happiness and that's actually true.

I agree it is not love. I agree it is very unhealthy and dangerous. I actually was doing some research and the chemicals this type of relationship releases into the brain are very similar to cocaine. They flood the brain with dopamine actually, in the same way cocaine or herion does, while depleting serotonin. I read this in a brain journal, not just some random dude's blog.

Anyway, when I was in rehab I taught myself to reframe my thinking to remove my constant negative thinking and replace it with positive thinking. I think I have figured out a lot of what's happening here, what subconscious dramas I am trying to play out with this much older, unattainable man. I have started working on reframing the relationship in my head. I realize I had given it a certain narrative over the past 12 years, since I first met him, and how I am trying to relive that narrative unconsciously. I just have to change the narrative. Frame it differently if you will. He wasn't meant to walk into my life. He is not just like my father. He is not a hero. Et cetera et cetera. This type of stopping a thought in its track and replacing it with another thought works because I've done it before. Thing is, you really have to want to, as always, ha ha.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 hours ago, solostand said:

Actually this isn't quite true. I was willing to sacrifice my very life due to a major relapse of my well established and long standing disease of addiction. He was not really a factor in the relapse except in an indirect way....This type of stopping a thought in its track and replacing it with another thought works because I've done it before. Thing is, you really have to want to, as always, ha ha.

 

Solo, I followed your posts way back when. It's wonderful to read of the good years, the peace and joy, you've experienced since being away from this person. I was glad to read the wise post you wrote above.

Just want to add this one thing. I don't believe you're going to get back into this destructive R. But, I believe were you to go back, this man would treat you even worse than before. I realize his treatment before felt good, not bad. But, in reality he treated you very badly by selfishly encouraging your affections when there was no chance of the two of you being together.

As exciting as a reunion might seem in your mind, the fact that he romanced you but didn't pull the plug on his marriage to be with you, your "going crazy" and being issued a restraining order, etc., are basic to establishing even less respect for you than he had before. I believe your self esteem would end up more damaged than ever if you were to go back to him. So, if you allow yourself to fantasize about the idea, please be realistic and imagine yourself being treated as trash (which you aren't, btw) were you to get back into the R.

This guy's a weak selfish creep. That said, he is also an addiction for you.

Keep your newly (to him) established dignity. Do not be available for him to even flirt with. Hold your head up high and SHOW him how far you've come. You can be gracious but very distant. Let him see a new solostand that is out of his league, not accessible to him.

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, solostand said:

, got sober and off all psychiatric meds (benzodiazepines particularly holy hell did I suffer) and began attending aa in my small town. 

Besides AA for sobriety support, are you still under the care of a physician?

 

 

[solostand]

These replies are very very helpful.

My first reaction was: But he SAYS he loves me!!!!! Isn't that funny? Maybe he thinks he f***ing does but what's that got to do with me? I love myself a lot more ha ha.

I think I am getting over the shock of it now and I'm getting kind of mad, actually. How dare he show up out of the blue, knowing I am going to be there, and start flirting with me IMMEDIATELY? What makes him think I give one flying hoot about him and his elderly glands?

I look like a million bucks. I am 15 years younger than him. I've had lots of men desire me in the past three point five years, but I have had a CLOSED sign on my heart. He's not opening that sign thanks.

Love of my life? My son. My cat. Me.

Not him.

Not him.

[solostand]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Besides AA for sobriety support, are you still under the care of a physician?

 

 

Yes, absolutely. I take great care of my health now. Nothing goes into my mouth without me knowing exactly what it is, what it is for, and do I really really need it? 

[solostand]

Just came from a meeting with my sister, who seriously needs it and Thank God she has finally asked to go to a meeting. The family has been waiting for many many years.

Anyway, he was there. My sister, from whom I was estranged at the time of the affair, did not know what he looked like. She knew his name, and knew a few details of the restraining order and charges, but not much. However, I had recently shared with her that he was back at the meeting out of the blue and some of my feelings about that, as we are now very very close.

It was her first ever meeting and it was very emotional for her. People made a great fuss out of her which is great. Anyway, he spoke and said his name. She recognized his name, and looked at me with her mouth hanging open.

After the meeting, he shook her hand and tried to give her good advice, but on the stairs when she was out of sight he grabbed my ass! 

In the car, she said to me: THAT was the amazing AP that you almost went to jail for? HIM? There is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with you. 

I laughed because it was funny. 

Don't worry, I said. I'm over him now. Nothing's gonna happen.

And nothing is because the next time he grabs my ass he's getting a slap also I know which days he goes to that meeting and those are the days I will not be attending, unless my sister asks me to take her. 

He of course was hanging around us, sniffing around, and a man comes up to him and says: Hows BS? Apparently she is, good. Ha ha.

[anika99]

You are playing a really dangerous game. It's quite obvious that you are enjoying seeing the exMM. You keep going to the same meetings and you know you won't get away from him just by attending on different days because he will just figure out what days you attend and show up on those days. And you have already said that you will attend on the same days as him if your sister goes with you but what difference does it make if your sister is with you? Your sister was with you this time and he still managed to grab your ass. And why were you lingering on the stairs with him after your sister was out of sight? Why did you decide that next time the MM grabs your ass he will get a slap? Why not this time? Why are you already anticipating that there will be a next time? You are enjoying this. 

Your MM is just another addiction. Seeing him and interacting with him is like thinking you can just have one drink or a little sip of booze here and there and it will be fine. You are lying to yourself. Addicts cannot enjoy their addictions in moderation. You are starting down a very bad path, we are all watching it happen in this thread while you are denying and defending and insisting that you can take just a few little sips of the MM and it's all fine. It's not fine and you know it.. 

[solostand]

37 minutes ago, anika99 said:

And you have already said that you will attend on the same days as him if your sister goes with you but what difference does it make if your sister is with you?

I would go to the ends of the earth for my sister. I've been hoping and praying she will ask me to take her to a meeting, any meeting, since she almost died last November due to a bleed caused by her cirhossis  of the liver. When she asks for help, I don't give a s*** about creepy MM and I mean that. I love her and I would rather she not die.

She was out of my signt because people were hugging her and welcoming her and stopping her advancement towards me. And yes indeed I should have slapped him. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

And yes indeed I should have slapped him. 

Why didn't you?

[solostand]

2 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Why didn't you?

Shock? Politeness? Did not want to make a scene? Afraid to hurt his feelings? Asked myself that a few times. Will not have to ask a again I hope. 

I also thought I might text his wife to ask her to tell her husband to keep his grimy hands off my ass thanks, but it's not her fault unfortunately.

[Daliah]

16 minutes ago, solostand said:

Shock? Politeness? Did not want to make a scene? Afraid to hurt his feelings? Asked myself that a few times. Will not have to ask a again I hope. 

I also thought I might text his wife to ask her to tell her husband to keep his grimy hands off my ass thanks, but it's not her fault unfortunately.

No it’s not her fault, but if you tell her the filthy pig she’s married to grabbed your ass and has been openly engaging you in an inappropriate meeting venue, she might just be the one to put a stop to all this b*llocks!   I doubt you’ll do it though, as others have alluded, you appear to enjoy the attention… 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, solostand said:

Shock? Politeness? Did not want to make a scene? Afraid to hurt his feelings? Asked myself that a few times. Will not have to ask a again I hope. 

I also thought I might text his wife to ask her to tell her husband to keep his grimy hands off my ass thanks, but it's not her fault unfortunately.

I get the part about shock and not wanting to make a scene. Not sure about politeness. You know what I've done on more than one occasion to men I'm not close to who put their arms around me. Some seem to think nothing of sidling up next to a woman and putting an arm around her waist. This has happened to me even at church! I just say quietly and firmly without a smile,

"Don't touch me."

Said in an even firm tone (not angry), it's very effective. You'll get instant respect. Try this on ex mm if he ever even lays a finger on you again. Guaranteed he'll look at you with new eyes.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, solostand said:

I've been hoping and praying she will ask me to take her to a meeting, any meeting,

There was no other meeting that you could attend? You just had to go to the meeting that you knew your MM has been attending, hoping to see you? 

[anika99]

I seriously doubt that your sister was demanding to attend the same meeting that the exMM attends and I seriously doubt that your sister will demand that you take her to those meeting in the future. I strongly suspect that taking her to the same meeting the MM attends was entirely your idea. Maybe you can lie to yourself but you are fooling no one here. 

[solostand]

5 hours ago, anika99 said:

I seriously doubt that your sister was demanding to attend the same meeting that the exMM attends and I seriously doubt that your sister will demand that you take her to those meeting in the future. I strongly suspect that taking her to the same meeting the MM attends was entirely your idea. Maybe you can lie to yourself but you are fooling no one here. 

Actually I hate arguing about my motives and intentions on line. Shame doesn't work as a general deterrant with me, obviously. What does work is reframing my thinking and trying to figure out what is driving my behaviour, and changing my behaviour.

Obviosly, I am very challenged there but believe it or not I am doing those things. I don't need to act this way. It does not serve me. I should not run away because I can't control my emotions. I should learn to regulate my emotions. He's not so much a predator as I am letting a predator predate on me because, why? Why am I allowing a predator to feel my ass? Do I really not value myself? Guess not enough yet ha ha.

So yes its been a tough week but believe it or not, I am seriously starting to see it through matured eyes. have no expectations therefore can have no disappointments regarding this dude.

As for as this meeting goes, we all live in a really small town. This meeting is the only one that is available during the daytime hours. hours. It is also really popular and well attended and there is a lot of very good sobriety there. I actually don't think he was stalking me there. I legit do think he is there only for his son in law, who had to go to detox three weeks ago and landed to his first aa meeting with a broken arm and MM in tow.

He did say to me when I first saw him: WE knew you would be here, meaning I think that the family knew that I would be at that AA meeting the son in law was being taken to. Like there was some kind family meeting to discuss the stalker and how to deal with her at the very important meeting that the son in law had to go to regardless.

Well, the stalker is getting her ass grabbed on the stairs while the son in law is out of sight! The gall when you really think if it, eh?

Not saying I am innocent. I am not at all. I was too nice to him, to quick to apologize with tears in my eyes (although he did deserve one and I don't care if he's the devil. What I did to him was absolutely horrible. He lost friends and family over it, almost lost his job, and for the life of me I have no idea why his wife would stay with him after what she heard but she did and who am I to judge?

I was too quick to let those chemicals rush into my brain. I wanted some kind of storybook ending to this affair of mine which had eaten up such a huge chunk of my life.

I have a tendency to magical thinking, always have had one, and therefore all things somehow have to be part of some novel type narrative. 

But then I thought, I got an ending. It ended. 

Then I started to remember the intense pain I suffered in that affair. So much pain I suffered. I remember waiting for that phone call, putting my life on hold in case he might drop over, knowing that at 4 p.m. his cell phone went off as his wife cooked his supper and put him to bed. . .just buckets and buckets of pain for what? To have an old very married man whisper he loved me.

I really do believe I am too good for that now. 

Oh, the reason I came back here to post about it was, well, you can't really tell people this sort of thing, can you? Hey, guess what? Remember that married man that had his family accuse me of being a stalker and almost put me in jail? Well, ha ha, funny thing, he's back in my life and we're great friends!