To fix or leave

[James42]

Hello. I just want to say that prior to this relationship four years ago that this website really helped me. So im back new account though. 
 

I have been with a girl for three years. We are generally very happy never have any huge arguments we pay everything evenly are we treat each other with lots of respect and caring. Despite all of this I always have a huge feeling of doubt. I also want to say everything I’m going to explain I have talked about it with her numerous times. 
 

She has very low energy compared to when we first got together. I can go outside and mow and do yard work and I want her to come pick weeds and put flowers in places to help me clean up the yard some, never happens. Ive asked her so many times come on let’s go walk the dog, she will not do it. She used to be the one to tell me to go do things with her, she also claimed she liked hiking and going outdoors when we first got together (she doesn’t). This low energy and total ignorant bliss to wanting to do anything is a huge issue for me. It’s also making me feel as though she doesn’t care about our relationship enough to even try. 
 
i am super ambitious. I wake up with the idea in my head that today is going to be great and I want to get as much done as I can before any type of relaxing happens. I want to go places, travel, hike, lose weight, be the best person I can be. I want someone to share that goal with me, to keep me on track. I’m not getting this. 
 

I went on a three day trip for my new job to take 3 Eight hour classes and a test. Was not too leisurely. I return home today to a messy house. No vacuuming, no dusting or wiping, no sweeping, dishes in the sink. Literally not one thing has been done since I had left. Basically, if I don’t make net do it or tell her to, she doesn’t do it. She will leave stuff laying around I can pick it up and say move it somewhere and she literally puts it from one table to another. It’s really outrageous. 
 

I really don’t know what else to say. I guess what I’m really trying to say is bottom line I’m not happy. I love her to death but I’m not happy and it’s stressing me out and eating me alive, starting to rob me of my happiness. Ive visually gotten more depressed dark circle looking over the last few years. My girlfriend has noticed it too and asks me if I’m okay I tell her what’s wrong she promises to get better and never does. 
 

It would make me sad to leave her but it’s making me really messed up to keep dealing with what I am. 
 

she says she WANTS to do all of those things with me, exercise, clean, eat healthy, but that she doesn’t know how and would literally need me to make a list and make her do things. I’m not really about to do this. 
 

Should I set myself free, or keep trying to fix this? Mind you, I’ve tried for two years every approach I know besides literally treating her like a child. She is 22 By the way I am 25. 
 

[d0nnivain]

She may never been the housekeeper you seem to want.  Would you be OK hiring help? 

If she's willing to do more if you make her a list, make the list.  If she still doesn't do things you have to accept that this is just how she really is.  Then you have to decide if you want a life time of this.  

[FMW]

I think she's just who she is and isn't likely to change.  Loving someone doesn't mean you are compatible.  

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, James42 said:

she says she WANTS to do all of those things with me, exercise, clean, eat healthy, but that she doesn’t know how and would literally need me to make a list and make her do things. I’m not really about to do this. 

This would literally drive me insane.  I can't stand lazy people.  What does she mean she doesn't know how?  She doesn't know how to exercise, clean or eat healthy?  She should be embarrassed to tell you this.  She lied to you about liking to hike and be outdoors just to get you.  If you end up married to her and have kids in 10 years you'll have a fat, couch potato on your hands while you do all the work.  You aren't compatible and you might as well face it because she isn't going to change.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Move out but keep dating. You get your own place and she gets her own place. You can have your place nice and clean and she will have hers as messy as she wants. You can mow your own lawn and she can do whatever she wants with her own lawn.

Have dates outside. pick her up or she picks you up and you can go hiking etc. 

[FMW]

4 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Move out but keep dating.

If they are fine just dating forever that might work, but if they want to marry and/or have kids, it's probably not a workable solution.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, James42 said:

She is 22 By the way I am 25. 
 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? 

Unfortunately you're incompatible.

She's messy and sedentary and that doesn't suit you and nagging, fixing, parenting her just builds resentment.

Whose place is it and are you both on the lease/deed? Give notice and move out when you/she can.

Be honest with her that it's not working out and figure out a fair and equitable moving out plan.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

What does she mean she doesn't know how?  She doesn't know how to exercise, clean or eat healthy?  She should be embarrassed to tell you this.  

I disagree.  My parents did not exercise, clean or eat well.   So I didn't know how to do any of those things as a young adult.  I still have to do an internet search on how to clean certain things because I was never taught.   I had to hire personal trainers to learn about the proper way to exercise: body mechanics; reps;  increasing heart rate; the difference between weight training & cardio; etc.  Of course I knew movement was key but didn't know the specifics.  As for nutrition I didn't know anything about it until my mid 40s.  I kid you not; as a kid I was only fed instant mashed potatoes -- I was in college before I realized they could be made from actual potatoes as opposed to out of a box.  Obviously I could identify junk food vs eating a salad but beyond that I was clueless.  

So don't be picking on her for lapses in her education.  

You can pick on her for not trying but she may genuinely not know the above.  If she's asking, educating her rather than vilifying her is the answer.  She asked her BF, the OP, for a list.  What's the harm in giving her one?  

Edited July 23, 2021 by d0nnivain

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 I had to hire personal trainers to learn about the proper way to exercise: body mechanics; reps;  increasing heart rate; the difference between weight training & cardio; etc.  Of course I knew movement was key but didn't know the specifics.  As for nutrition I didn't know anything about it until my mid 40s.  Obviously I could identify junk food vs eating a salad but beyond that I was clueless.  

The difference here Don is you had enough get up and go to ^do the above things to learn and wanted to.  If OP had seen this effort from her he may not feel this way.  It sounds like they are a lot younger than us and with today's technology she has more access to this type of information than you did back then.  But still you did it.  If someone is at least trying instead of lying I can support that.

[d0nnivain]

@stillafool  -- I didn't do any of that at 22.  Here she has asked for guidance through this list so I hope the OP gives her the list before simply dumping her.  If she gets it & still does nothing, then at least he can say he tried.  

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, James42 said:

I went on a three day trip for my new job to take 3 Eight hour classes and a test. Was not too leisurely. I return home today to a messy house. No vacuuming, no dusting or wiping, no sweeping, dishes in the sink. Literally not one thing has been done since I had left. Basically, if I don’t make net do it or tell her to, she doesn’t do it. She will leave stuff laying around I can pick it up and say move it somewhere and she literally puts it from one table to another. It’s really outrageous.  ...

I love her to death but I’m not happy and it’s stressing me out and eating me alive, starting to rob me of my happiness.
 

Hmm. All the love in the world won't turn a "messy person" into a "neat person". It's a comfort level thing.

Consider the possibility that you may be incompatible or at least that YOU will be the one doing most of the cleaning if you stay.

Contrary to popular opinion it IS possible to change someone - however that take a lot more time, subtlety, and consistent/persistent effort than one would wish and there is no guarantee of success. So, might not be worth trying to find out in three years that it's just not working.

[Lotsgoingon]

You need someone who matches your level of energy and ambition. This woman is a mismatch for you.

Now you do have responsibility here: how the heck did you miss that there was such a staggering gap between how you live--your energy--and how she lives. You need to finetune your radar and your observation of people. And let go of the fantasy thinking. 

The best predictor of how a person will live in the future is how the person lives now. How did you miss that she doesn't have the energy you want in a partner? You might have missed it because you didn't want to "judge" her harshly. But avoid that route. You're judging people for how they would fit with us, not on the worth as human beings. So dating is almost about making judgments, including critical judgments.

I don't think her lack of housecleaning is the issue. I am guessing you would be find if the house were a mess and she had been involved in activities you really respect while you were gone. I'm guessing. 

BTW: if you're a neat freak and all of that, you gotta own that. Not everyone is into neatness. A mistake we make is to assume that our preferences are the "default" "natural" "typical" preferences. Horrible assumption. Part of dating is keeping your eye open for how you are the other person differ. You keep your eyes open in order to admit that someone isn't a good fit. But you also have to keep your eyes open in order to resolve the differences or see if they can be resolved. 

So forget her. This is on you, right?

[glows]

I'm sorry to hear this. She may like hiking and the outdoors. She just doesn't like going with you. There are different types. I sensed lack of care and sometimes disinterest hiking with some individuals. They are way too self-centered and probably shouldn't hike with anyone else but themselves. The lack of camaraderie is a dealbreaker for me in terms of doing outdoor activity with someone. You have to find your match even for leisure sports. Your energy seems resentful, upset and frustrated. No one wants to be around that and unfortunately it's a self-perpetuating cycle. She avoids you and tries not to think about what you want because it's encompassing and eclipsing. She may be more freeflowing or freespirited. 

You seem more concerned about the house than she does and more interested in doing it up. Is it your house? You're both very young. Why are you living together in the first place if you're not engaged or married? I'm not a traditionalist but what is the point of this living situation? At 22 I was thirsty to see the rest of the world and be in different places, experience new things. You both may be stuck too soon with too much on your plate. I suggest having a good conversation together about where you see this relationship going. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy.

[Stret]

Not sure if anyone suggested this before, but if she used to be great before and her energy is now lacking, she might be depressed or have some physical restraint such as thyroid gland issues or such. I'd rather suggest you be kind to her and take her to doctor in the meanwhile. She might just need help.

[spiderowl]

Seems to me you two are just incompatible.

I have a problem with energy levels too but I am aware of it and know it could be a problem to a partner.  This is why I am alone, because I don't want my partner to feel they are missing out on exciting things like hiking, travel, and what have you.

It sounds like your girlfriend was not brought up in the same tidy way that you were.  She does not have a clue about tidying.

You could get into 'teaching' her, leaving her lists of what to do, but it does not seem right that you'd have to resort to that.

As you have asked her to improve things and she hasn't, then I think you should call it a day.  Be kind and make sure she has what she needs to start to make a new life for herself.

You need someone more like you.

[hhy]

James...gonna write my initial thoughts then read the comments.

 

1. Very hard to change someone...notion out there is better to improve yourself and the rest will follow (or not). But at least you ve bettered "your" lot in life. 

 

That said (& i just read all the comments...) i agree there could be a deeper issue/depression/sadness/fear/hormone inbalance etc. that she and you both are not seeing/addressing.

 

2. Why do you love her? And if you really do, then you would do anything to make it work.

(Again i do agree with comments... you both are taking on a lot. Living together is not childs play...friends, lovers, married couples etc)

 

3. If everything you've tried, hasn't worked...then i would suggest time and space.

 

4. One thing's for sure, to change something as core as a person's personality is like holding your breath underwater indefinitely. 

 

5. It is only with a common vision and like minds that you can move mountains.

 

6. At 25, you should be growing, striving, improving, really at any age, but at 22 and 25 especially. 

 

7. And finally, forever is a longtime. When 3 years is a struggle? It should be a breezy, blink of an eye. That isnt to say relationships are easy, but love shouldnt be a major sacrafice, especially when you both are young and supposedly full of potential.

 

8. Personally, you must really love her and/or have the patience of a saint.

 

9. Finally, what are you learning here, how has she enriched your life...what lesson are you gaining?