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Is there something wrong with me?


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I have been married for 27 years. Since I was 16 and he (D) was 17(I was pregnant). It's been a rocky road from the beginning...well, more like 1 1/2 years in when he had an affair. That absolutley devistated me. We separated for a while then he wanted me back. So I came back. Now it's 25+ years later. We have 3 wonderful grown daughters and two sweet grandchildren. We have seperated so many times over the years that I can't even count any more. Not over another woman or man except the first time. And usually for only a few weeks. Issues were usually his alcohol abuse, his jealousy, his violent temper. Our most recent separation was due to trust and jealousy issues that I was just plain tired of dealing with. Figured if I was going to be accused I may as well be having some fun. We were apart about 9 months. I dated and had the time of my life and was quite happy with my freedom. But things went to heck. I was facing unemployment and didn't know how I was going to pay my rent and bills. And I felt sorry for "D" and his inability to get on with his life. So I came back for all the wrong reasons. Now I wish I hadn't. Actually I regreted it from the time I stepped back into this house.

 

It seems this time he has really tried. I can't say the same about myself. I don't want to be here. I don't really want to be with him. I do love him but it's like a sibling love. We basically have grown up together. He hasn't had a physical drunken rage in years. He doesn't drink as much as he used to. He pays as much attention to me as he can. All the things I asked of him before I came back this last time. I know he loves me and I doubt he would ever cheat on me again. As far as I know it has never happened again since that first time. Again, I can't say the same about myself. :o I justify MY behavior by knowing that I never had an "affair". We were separated the times I've been with someone else. And he knows about one of the guys. It was with a good friend of ours. This man, J, is who I should be with. Circumstances have always made this impossible. When we were both "available" he couldn't handle the guilt of being with his friend's wife. That was the only time our relationship was physical. The other times I was separated, J was married to someone else. But we have been having an affair of the heart for over 15 years. We love each other and always will but we will never be a couple. I have accepted that.

 

My problem is whether to stay in a relationship that I really don't want or respect or enjoy. It is comfortable I guess. Knowing I'm not alone. I'm 44 now. I don't really want to be with anyone else but I don't know if I can handle being alone forever. And at my age that is a real possibility. And my husband would be devestated. He can't handle being alone. He isn't very self sufficient (which I think is part of my problem) I mean I have taken care of everything all our lives from the finances to the car problems. He's kind of needy I guess. He works hard at his job but that's about all he's ever contributed to our marriage. That is a big thing I know. I am almost at the point that I wish he would find someone else. I don't want to be the bad guy. I have no real excuse this time other than not wanting to be with him anymore. I feel so guilty. I'm lying by staying but staying to keep him happy. Does that make any sense? HELP!! :(

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Why not make your marriage what you want? Figure out what you want from him, then tell him and ask him what he would like from you to be happy. Work on those things, and see if there is a way that you can have the marriage that you want. I am sorry but you've been with this person, well all of your life, at least your adult life. 27 years is a long time to be with someone and after those 27 years decide to leave the marriage. There has to be a reason why you stayed, and not just because you didn't want to make him unhappy.

 

Go on dates, surprise him with some lingerie, do what you must to make your relationship with him not a sibling relationship. Flirt with him, surprise him one weekend, by telling him you have to go to work or something and then wake him up for something else ;). You may have to do most of the leg work at first, but if he wants you he will make an effort, but he may need to know that you want him first.

 

The choice is yours, figure out how to make your marriage work, or leave and divorce him, and take a big chance on being alone for the rest of your life. Make an effort, if you've been with him for 27 years surely you can stand to take a year or so to see if you can be happy with him. Make a real effort, don't just think this or that but do it. Tell him what you need in a way that isn't demanding, but isn't joking around either. Let him know in certain terms, but don't let yourself be to demanding. Perhaps, ask for one thing at a time. If you don't need anything from him, then do stuff to make yourself attracted to him again, even if you have to fake it at first. Do it with an open mind, don't tell yourself "I'll never be attracted to him, or he won't make me happy, etc..." Be open to your feelings, and don't count him out.

 

Of course, a marriage ending after 27 years isn’t nothing new, but why not be different than most people. Try to make your marriage work, make it what you want of it. The saying is, our life is what we make it, and that can be marriage is what we make it. You can change it, you can be happy, etc. but you have to work at it. If you don’t want to then you won’t but if you do, I hope all this helps you, or at least gives you some ideas.

 

Good luck,

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Thank you for your ideas. Everything I wrote in my post was a very condensed version. Over the years I have done all the things you suggested. Probably how it has lasted this long. I have talked til I'm blue in the face. I've asked for the changes in both demanding and loving ways. I have set up romantic get-aways. For instance for our 15th anniversary I made hotel accomodations in a popular city as a suprise. He got angry because I knew it was the same weekend as a yearly social gathering he always attended. I admit I probably did it to kind of keep him from going to this party because of how I feared him when he got drunk. And he always got drunk at this party. Anyway, we didn't go to the hotel and he did attend his annual party. I can't tell you how many times I would find places for my kids to go over night (when they were young) and suprise him with a romantic dinner or just "us" time. Lingerie, "parking" dates, you name it...I've done it. He has never shown appreciation for any of my efforts. The only time he makes an effort is when we are separated and he wants me back. I give in and come back and things are wonderful for a time. But eventually everything slips back into the old ways. I stayed and came back for many different reasons over the years. From actually wanting to make it work, to not wanting the kids to have a weekend dad. From not wanting to be alone to financial reasons. So many ups and downs and highs and lows. I guess I'm burnt out. I've done my trying. This is the first time in my life that I am not trying. Well, not as hard as I used to anyway.

 

I think I've just given up. I'm just looking for a way to get out of this and not hurt him at the same time. But I know I can't have it both ways.

 

Thank you again for your insight. You are a wise person.

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