potestatum Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Hi everyone. So I am dating a girl for a couple of months now. We discussed about the status of our dating and she said that she does not want to feel pressure at the time and that she wants to take it slow and see what happens and I told her that I want to be with someone with the potential of turning into a serious relationship. She said that she is not going to do something with another guy and if she feels the need to do so she will stop what we have. The issue with this is that I am not a priority in her life. Actually, she just fits me into her schedule. And I don’t mean her work/gym schedule. I mean she will arrange all other things (such as go out with other friends etc) and I will be the last person in her agenda between her other activities. This started bothering me and I am not sure if it is ok to bother me or I should just chill out, go with the flow and see where it goes. Your opinions will be much appreciated:) Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Of course it's okay if it bothers you, OP. Your feelings are valid. But you need to read the writing on the wall here - she is not going to become your girlfriend. You are her lowest priority and she does not want to work towards a relationship with you. Unfortuantely, she is not interested the way you are so this is a waste of time. It would be best to stop seeing her as it's not going to go anywhere and you will get even more hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 What do you want to do? I think she sees you as Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. If she was as into you as you seem to be into her, she wouldn't feel pressure & she'd want to lock you down too. I think you have different priorities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 Yes it seems like we have different priorities at this point. But what I am thinking is should i give it time? Be chill and see where it goes? Maybe she will change her priorities at a later point and she just needs time Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 1 minute ago, potestatum said: But what I am thinking is should i give it time? Be chill and see where it goes? Maybe she will change her priorities at a later point and she just needs time I don’t think giving it time is going to make any difference, to be honest. You’ll probably just find that she keeps up this casual thing with you until she meets another guy she’s more interested in. And that will hurt a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 2 hours ago, potestatum said: Hi everyone. So I am dating a girl for a couple of months now. We discussed about the status of our dating and she said that she does not want to feel pressure at the time and that she wants to take it slow and see what happens and I told her that I want to be with someone with the potential of turning into a serious relationship. She said that she is not going to do something with another guy and if she feels the need to do so she will stop what we have. The issue with this is that I am not a priority in her life. Actually, she just fits me into her schedule. And I don’t mean her work/gym schedule. I mean she will arrange all other things (such as go out with other friends etc) and I will be the last person in her agenda between her other activities. This started bothering me and I am not sure if it is ok to bother me or I should just chill out, go with the flow and see where it goes. Your opinions will be much appreciated:) It's fine if it bothers. you. Your relationship goals just don't align. Simple. Move along and find someone who is looking for the same thing as you. There's no obligation for you or her to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Sometimes slow is good. But, when people are excited about each other, it's hard to take it slow. Right now, she seems indifferent towards you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 (edited) Big waste of time. What you should be doing is telling her, while she tries to figure herself out, you will be dating other women. Get it? you never put your life on hold for this crap. It's only lost opportunity when you restrict yourself from meeting someone new. Edited July 23, 2021 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 8 hours ago, potestatum said: I am dating a girl for a couple of months now. We discussed about the status of our dating and she said that she does not want to feel pressure at the time and that she wants to take it slow Ok 8 weeks into dating is a good time to observe if it's working for you. Have you had the exclusive talk? Does she mean she doesn't want sex at this point? Are you both talking to and meeting others? 2 mos. is not really a time to "be a priority" in anyone's life, you're just getting to know each other. How often do you go on dates and communicate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok 8 weeks into dating is a good time to observe if it's working for you. Have you had the exclusive talk? Does she mean she doesn't want sex at this point? Are you both talking to and meeting others? 2 mos. is not really a time to "be a priority" in anyone's life, you're just getting to know each other. How often do you go on dates and communicate? We are dating on average twice per week and we are having sex almost every time. We discussed about exclusivity and we said that we are not going to date others at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 First how old is she and how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 9 hours ago, potestatum said: The issue with this is that I am not a priority in her life. Actually, she just fits me into her schedule. And I don’t mean her work/gym schedule. I mean she will arrange all other things (such as go out with other friends etc) and I will be the last person in her agenda between her other activities. This started bothering me and I am not sure if it is ok to bother me or I should just chill out, go with the flow and see where it goes. I'm not certain about what you do when things start to bother you. For me, the interest starts waning and then becomes non-existent. Usually by that time I have moved on to someone else. You will have to get a sense of whether she's as interested as you are as time goes on. It's only two months so you can wait and see a little more. Otherwise, if you are disinterested overall or "bothered" I think you'll automatically find someone else who's more suited to you. Life is so, so short. Why spend it miserably or disinterested or mildly, lukewarm appeased? I'm sorry she's treating you this way also. A person is generally not so daft and for another person to feel like they are so shortchanged or not a priority, it has to be fairly obvious something is not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 24 minutes ago, stillafool said: First how old is she and how old are you? I am 30 and she is 25 Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 14 minutes ago, glows said: I'm not certain about what you do when things start to bother you. For me, the interest starts waning and then becomes non-existent. Usually by that time I have moved on to someone else. You will have to get a sense of whether she's as interested as you are as time goes on. It's only two months so you can wait and see a little more. Otherwise, if you are disinterested overall or "bothered" I think you'll automatically find someone else who's more suited to you. Life is so, so short. Why spend it miserably or disinterested or mildly, lukewarm appeased? I'm sorry she's treating you this way also. A person is generally not so daft and for another person to feel like they are so shortchanged or not a priority, it has to be fairly obvious something is not right. Well I think I really like her and that’s why I am overthinking it. I don’t want to make mistakes and regret it afterwards Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 7 minutes ago, potestatum said: Well I think I really like her and that’s why I am overthinking it. I don’t want to make mistakes and regret it afterwards It sounds like you both have a good thing going so see what happens. Maybe work on the date planning and communication because there could be some lost in translation issue there. You are perceiving her as not making you a priority but yet if she pens you in and adheres to the date and time (doesn't cancel or act flaky) that does suggest that you are a priority. Any time someone agrees to what they say they are going to do it is a positive sign, regardless of how busy that person is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 FWB. Keep your expectations and communications low. Let her reach out when she wants to spend time with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 20 minutes ago, smackie9 said: FWB. Keep your expectations and communications low. Let her reach out when she wants to spend time with you. This is what I don’t want to become. I would hate it if we became just friends with benefits Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 2 hours ago, potestatum said: We are dating on average twice per week and we are having sex almost every time. We discussed about exclusivity and we said that we are not going to date others at this point. Ok sounds good. What, exactly, is she pumping the breaks on? Just step back a bit and relax. Is she on/off with or talking to an ex or on the rebound? Date exclusively, perhaps make sure you're not crowding her out of an abundance of enthusiasm. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 37 minutes ago, potestatum said: This is what I don’t want to become. I would hate it if we became just friends with benefits Then you need to give yourself a mental timeline of how long you're okay keeping this arrangement without any progression. At any rate, you are definitely the more interested party here. That much is very clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Try and be a bit less available and have your own plans and own life. So when she wants to fit you into her schedule, don't be available and see how she reacts. Also, saying we are not going to date other people "for now" is other way of saying we are not exclusive. As soon as something better comes along, you will be replaced according to that deal. Having said that, twice a week in the beginning is not that bad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Donnas Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 She answered you already. Or you take it or you move on. You cant keep telling her what you want,while she already told you what she wants,and showed you true her actions. Best is to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda92 Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 14 hours ago, potestatum said: This is what I don’t want to become. I would hate it if we became just friends with benefits This is what you are now. She doesn't want the future with you. She is with you unless she meet someone else. I would tell her "I like you and I would like to be in a relationship, so if you change your mind just call me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 27, 2021 Author Share Posted July 27, 2021 Soo.. she broke up with me with a text message. Saying it’s better to just be friends. What should I do? I really like her and want to be with her. Should I text her back and tell her to meet to discuss the reasons behind it? Or should I let it be? I really wanted it to work and don’t want it to end:( Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 Sorry this happened. No don't chase. Step back and go no contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author potestatum Posted July 27, 2021 Author Share Posted July 27, 2021 What if we can discuss it and find a solution? Link to post Share on other sites
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