I keep losing friendship opportunities. It's really getting me down

[Miss Spider]

I’m  kind of feeling it down about something. I have a lot of “friends” but not a real good solid group of friends I have a lot in common with. I have about 4 friends from grade/high school that I am still good with, but we have nothing in common.

So I’ve been trying to reach out to make friends but one thing I notice is that I am very inconsistent. I effed up my friendships with quite a few people to the point with they don’t even speak to me anymore. I’ve reached out to them and they just ignore me . I can’t even be mad because I was ignoring them for months and months when they were reaching out, I just come back when I want to talk to them? Why would they talk to me?
 

This just sucks so hard. I’m getting to an age now where friendship is getting harder to find. I’m also running out of circles that I want to belong to that have people I haven’t burnt bridges with… 

 

i’ll probably be moving to a bigger city ( not my choice, but for a job when I grad) And I’ll have to start all over from scratch. There was one girl I knew that I could have been friends with and I effed it up really bad. I completely ignored her and I blocked her everywhere because I was overwhelmed/busy at the time( I’m learning my lesson that this isn’t an acceptable way to cope). I think she saw that I blocked her so she blocked me back and then she never talked to me again even though I apologized to her. So yeah, I’ll have 0 friends when I get there. What do 

Edited July 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

So yeah, I’ll have 0 friends when I get there. What do 

When I was your age, I was quite nomadic.  I didn't stay in any one place for too long, so I never made any close friends. 

When I arrived at a new city, I would usually introduce myself to my neighbors in the apartment complex, talk to people in the pool or coin-op laundry (at the complex).  Some complexes had a "game room" or "exercise room" and I'd talk to people and ask them to recommend restaurants, pubs/bars, etc.  Most people are very happy to share the knowledge they have.  As a thank you, I'd invite them to lunch or make them some home made cookies or whatever.  It was easy to make new friends in a new city (at least for me).

There is a maintenance component to keeping the friendship going once you've established it.  A lunch here or home cooked meal there, etc. etc. 

Keep in mind, when you arrive at a new location, you have a clean slate... no one knows what you've done in the past.  If you "burned some bridges" or blocked someone (in the past) no one need know about that. 

Moving to a new city/town is like opening up a blank writing journal and starting an entire new book.

[Interstellar]

i think as you get older you’ll be lucky to have one best friend. That’s normal. People tend to misuse the word friend. People think that a coworker that they click with is a friend, cha-ching. But they’re not. They’re an acquaintance. can you call them in the middle of the night if you need bail money? lol. I have one best friend who i used to not regularly talk with but when we meet we can easily pick up where we left off. Recently, I found out he has viber so now we chat there all the time. My other best friend lives in west palm beach and is married, two cousins who i consider good friends i barely talk to. maybe it’s different with men.  men’s friendships are deeper and different than women’s.

Edited July 23, 2021 by Interstellar

[Donnas]

How old are you. Do you know why you do this?

If you know why you can work on it. Or accept your condition and tell friends forehand how you are ,and why. If needed talk to a therapist.

Just blocking,ignoring is not cool.

Its what enemies would do.

 

[Donnas]

Seek places where they practice your hobby and socialize there.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Donnas said:

Just blocking, ignoring is not cool. Its what enemies would do.

Agree. Just put people you're out of sync with into the 'acquaintance' folder rather than any drama.

More importantly. Join some groups, clubs, sports, interests, hobbies, volunteering, etc.

That way you'll find like minded people. Dial back intensity and see who's who .

Once you move out of your parents house and start working, it will be a lot easier.  

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you so much.  Okay so if I like hardcore punk shows, but in the new city I wouldn’t really know the scene at all. Should I just go anyway? 

I would ask around (at the apartment complex).  I'm assuming that when you move to your final destination (for the new job/career) that you'll be living in an apartment complex close to your new job.  Maybe one of your neighbors can give you the "lay of the land" in regards to these shows.

Maybe even a gentleman (neighbor) would want to take you to some of the local venues and share some knowledge about the local bands, etc.

There is always one or two local "garage" bands that are GREAT!! 

Seems like a good subject with which to "Break the ice" with someone new.

[glows]

I would just go. If you like something, go. You don't need to have a group of friends to do anything. As long as you have an interest and a passion, you'll meet people along the way. You'll also meet people at work. I underestimated my colleagues in each place I worked and even past clients who have become close friends (no longer clients, only long time friends). I'm not very sociable either. I was like you also after finishing my degrees and saw so many friends moving to different places. I did my own thing for awhile and made new friends. 

You're sweet, Cookies. I'm sure you'll make friends wherever you go. 

[Lotsgoingon]

@Cookiesandough we really need to know how old you are to give you a helpful response because the challenge of making friends does change over the course of the life cycle. 

Friendships are tricky for sure.  I think you may be a bit too hard on yourself. If you meet the right people who are friend potential, you wouldn't even think of blocking them. I'm thinking you're feeling alone and so you're looking back at a bunch of previous people you met (who might have had potential to become friends) and imagining you should have behaved differently.

But with real friends, you don't have to work that hard. Sorta like romance, you'll find yourself attracted to them, and they to you. And you just sorta build on that attraction, platonic in this case.

You also may be under the misimpression (as I was) that you can't tell people that you're exhausted right now, and hey, can we get together in two weeks. You can tell people you don't feel like meeting up immediately. You just have to (as in dating) make it clear that you are truly interested in getting together. The other person needs to feel the difference between being blown off and just being delayed because of our busyness.

Now it is true that you can be in the wrong place to meet your people (the kind of people you'd really be turned on to hang out with) or you could be in the wrong circles such that you don't meet your people, even though they are in your location. That's the benefit of clubs and activities--you break out of your normal social circle.

 

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Andy_K]

Most friends I've made in the last few years have been from groups set up for shared activities - board games clubs, cycling groups, etc. You're guaranteed to have something in common that way, there's a regular scheduled meet up you can always go to when you're not able (or too lazy) to meet up with your new friends outside of the arranged times, so you don't have to work particularly hard to stay in touch either. That covers two of your biggest issues. Are there any activities you're interested in you could do this for?

[Alpacalia]

Awe.

Making friends as an adult can be difficult and takes time.

I'm sure you'll make new friends after you relocate, you seem like a fun person to be around.

[jspice]

I’ve moved 26 times in my life. And I’m not done. Lived in several different countries and  cities. I start over every few years but I’m hoping I can settle soon. 
 

the older you get, the fewer new solid friendships you make. At 30 it’s harder because people have established partnerships and friend circles and don’t often want to make room for newcomers, especially in large cities. London and Seoul were the hardest places to make new friends but the ones I did make were through work. 
 

On top of it being harder as you age, you seem to have a strange reaction to relationships. Don’t read this as though I’m writing it in a harsh tone. I have a 28 year old brother and this is how I’d talk to him. 
 

From your posts here, you seem to treat people shabbily, be they romantic or platonic. You appear to be quite thoughtless in how you treat people with little regard for the consequences of your actions. When you feel regret, it seems as though it’s not for how badly those people feel, but that they are upset with you.
At first glance it appears as though you’re selfish because you take them out of a box when you need to feel good. 
When you’ve gotten your fix, you want to put distance between you and them but they ( rightfully) are continuing to deal with you as though your relationship and closeness is the same from one day to the next. You don’t get why they’re being needy and clingy ( perhaps?) when you don’t need that level of close right now. I don’t recall reading anywhere if you ever verbally express that you need some distance, or do you just retreat and leave  them to guess that you need space? My guess is the latter because you don’t want or like confrontation, so you block and cut off and burn bridges but then you also kind of don’t seem to get why people are doing this to you. Some of your choices and actions are truly baffling. 

You need to figure out why you do this and how you can fix it if you truly want stable relationships with people. As you’ve found out. Not everyone will tolerate this. “Boyfriends” may come back after you’ve done this a few times, but friends won’t. 

If you want to make and keep friends you need to fix what is missing or broken inside you. 
 

 

[spiderowl]

Blocking friends for no good reason is just not the way to treat people.  They can cope with being told that you are stressed at the moment and can you catch up with them later?

I agree with the poster above that your priority is to find out why you treat people like this.  It must be affecting all your relationships in life.  Have you managed to maintain a job and cope with working relationships?

May I ask if you are an only child?  I don't know if that is relevant or not as some only children are good at reaching out to others and maintaining friendships because they know they have to put in the effort as they do not have siblings to rely on.  Then again, others might not have ever learned the social skills or that they need to maintain friendships if they have only had to deal with adoring parents.  I do not wish to make any assumptions about your circumstances, I'm just puzzled as to why you see people as disposable like this?

I am not intending to criticise in any way, just that this seems rather unusual behaviour.  

I suffer from depression and tend to withdraw a lot.  I find it difficult to be sociable at such times, but if a friend contacts me I make an effort to be there for them and to at least talk to them or message back a kind response.  If you feel you cannot do anything kind but need to block them, what is going on in your head at the time? How do you see that person trying to make contact with you?

 

[Miss Spider]

20 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Blocking friends for no good reason is just not the way to treat people.  They can cope with being told that you are stressed at the moment and can you catch up with them later?

I agree with the poster above that your priority is to find out why you treat people like this.  It must be affecting all your relationships in life.  Have you managed to maintain a job and cope with working relationships?

May I ask if you are an only child?  I don't know if that is relevant or not as some only children are good at reaching out to others and maintaining friendships because they know they have to put in the effort as they do not have siblings to rely on.  Then again, others might not have ever learned the social skills or that they need to maintain friendships if they have only had to deal with adoring parents.  I do not wish to make any assumptions about your circumstances, I'm just puzzled as to why you see people as disposable like this?

I am not intending to criticise in any way, just that this seems rather unusual behaviour.  

I suffer from depression and tend to withdraw a lot.  I find it difficult to be sociable at such times, but if a friend contacts me I make an effort to be there for them and to at least talk to them or message back a kind response.  If you feel you cannot do anything kind but need to block them, what is going on in your head at the time? How do you see that person trying to make contact with you?

 

Yes, I am an only child. It’s an interesting theory. The blocking wasn’t meant to be malicious, more to stop the contacting because it was hard to ignore them again and again when I couldn’t keep in touch. .  And I don’t know why I can’t cope. It is because before I think it’s because before I have just told them “I’m busy” “I’ll try to make it” “not this weekend, but I’m in next time for sure!”  But how many times can you tell someone that before they’re just like ‘f this. This person is too busy’ ? That’s where I think it goes. I get tired of just telling the person that I am busy and feel embarrassed about it. Also, this was worse when I had a BF because he would take up a lot of my free time/weekends, but I’ve broken up with him and now looking to reconnect with ppl I have messed up relationship with with my flakiness.. my ex actually said some thing about this. He said “you know, your friends hate you for this” he met how I just drop off the map when I am feeling like it because I am a person that needs a lot of me time. Maybe that stems from being an only child but it’s necessary for my well-being. A lot of people tend not to understand that and take it personally

I get it is not acceptable to do this. 100% I understand and I have stopped blocking people this way. I am just going to ignore the conversation if I am too busy or just say I’m too busy again and again. Besides, I know now that  people can see if you block them

Edited July 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

I'm  an only child, I don't  have trouble making or maintaining friendships. 

Friendships, like all relationships take work.  Sometimes you don't  feel like focusing on someone else's problems and needs, but you can't  just turn it off and on, as you've  realized.

I'm probably the age of your parents, I'm 56.  I separated and divorced at 50 and started a new social life from scratch.  I took classes for fun things (golf, photography, guitar) and got involved in new interests and hobbies.  I met a lot of new people, and two of my closest friends now were made during that time.  We share a lot of our lives together and talk about everything, like teenagers.

Finishing up school takes a lot of focus, so you probably can't do it right now - but when you can, get involved in new things and be open to new people.

I agree with those who say you probably will have to change how you treat people though.  You seem to realize that, so the thing will be are you willing to make the changes?

[spiderowl]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes, I am an only child. It’s an interesting theory. The blocking wasn’t meant to be malicious, more to stop the contacting because it was hard to ignore them again and again when I couldn’t keep in touch. .  And I don’t know why I can’t cope. It is because before I think it’s because before I have just told them “I’m busy” “I’ll try to make it” “not this weekend, but I’m in next time for sure!”  But how many times can you tell someone that before they’re just like ‘f this. This person is too busy’ ? That’s where I think it goes. I get tired of just telling the person that I am busy and feel embarrassed about it. Also, this was worse when I had a BF because he would take up a lot of my free time/weekends, but I’ve broken up with him and now looking to reconnect with ppl I have messed up relationship with with my flakiness.. my ex actually said some thing about this. He said “you know, your friends hate you for this” he met how I just drop off the map when I am feeling like it because I am a person that needs a lot of me time. Maybe that stems from being an only child but it’s necessary for my well-being. A lot of people tend not to understand that and take it personally

I get it is not acceptable to do this. 100% I understand and I have stopped blocking people this way. I am just going to ignore the conversation if I am too busy or just say I’m too busy again and again. Besides, I know now that  people can see if you block them

Thanks for responding Cookiesanddough.  It does sound like you need a lot of me time and experience anyone intruding as a nuisance.  I am introverted myself and, as I've grown older, I've begun to realise just how much me time I need.  In the past, as a child, I used to go into my room and read.  I did the same when visiting friends' houses - I played with them for a while then ended up in their rooms going through their library.  Parents were always saying I should be out playing.

By the way, I came from a relatively large family so I was used to sharing a room, having noise all around, and having the demands of younger siblings. I developed ways of switching off to it all even though the noise and demands were present.  I used to find it strange how friends at uni struggled to study if there was the slightest noise near their rooms.  They were just used to peace and quiet.

It does sound like you get very stressed though, as if you are stressed all the time and a friend making contact is just too much.  Is your work asking too much of you, do you think?  Can you think of ways to reduce your stress?

Being an only child might be part of it.  If you are used to being in a quiet place, doing your own thing without having to pay attention to anyone else, then another person might well seem intrusive.

I think maybe reducing your stress levels generally might help and, when it it safe to do so, to join groups in your new area with similar interests/hobbies.  That is the way I've made new friends, through music.

Did your parents ever give you any guidance on making and keeping friends?  How did you cope in school?  I suppose school friends are just there every day and one doesn't have to make any extra effort with them.

Edited July 26, 2021 by spiderowl

[mark clemson]

Speaking generally, I think friendship in your late 20's and beyond isn't often much like how it is earlier in life. Many folks pair off and tend to be busier with career advancement, families, and/or "their own lives". People's brains change/mature and their "social group(s)" is no longer as important as it was. Looser, less dedicated friendships tend to become more the norm (I think) for many folks. So I don't think your experience is atypical.

If you happen to drive off friends, they will be replaced more slowly than before. And with "less intense" friendships, generally (in terms of how genuinely bonded you are). But reality is that many if not most friendships will end over time whether or not you "drive anyone off".

I think the name of the game going forward will likely be shared common interests. Find a hobby or interest and make friends that way. You'll probably still have one or two good friends, but "good friends" no longer means what it used to. More that you generally like each other and touch base once in a while, rather than spending gobs of time together like it used to be.

My two cents...

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, saying no is essential in building a good social life and friendship network. For one, if you say yes or even maybe (and I sense this is happening with you) you actually can start to expect yourself to show up.  Saying "maybe" just pushes the "no" down the road. Now you feel guilty and have to come up with some elaborate excuse and all of that.

Yes, don't respond. That's a way of saying "no." It does take practice to do this, but it' essential if you've got other people more interested in you than you in them. It's not all that different from not responding to a romance overture. 

Over time, you can use your body language to indicate no interest without saying no. You give open body language to people you REALLY want to get together with and distant body language when you don't. 

But I've been where you are: saying "maybe" to things I had no desire to go to ... other than I had nothing else better. Again, I'm thinking your "flakiness" is on account of you not really being interested in these friends. You can't really fake friendship interest based on a "I should like them" any more than you can do that with romance. "I should be interested in him/her" just doesn't really work in my experience--for romance or friendship. The interest needs to be pretty strong to ignite things. 

[invalidname]

On 7/23/2021 at 12:49 PM, Cookiesandough said:

 I can’t even be mad because I was ignoring them for months and months when they were reaching out, I just come back when I want to talk to them? Why would they talk to me?

Honestly it sounds like you had pretty terrible friends for them to assume the worst and 'disconnect' over something silly like that - I'm sure you had your reasons. In my opinion people like that are not worth being friends with; you can do better.

On 7/23/2021 at 2:39 PM, Interstellar said:

men’s friendships are deeper and different than women’s.

Very true. In my opinion it's all about finding the right people.

On 7/24/2021 at 4:01 AM, jspice said:

If you want to make and keep friends you need to fix what is missing or broken inside you. 

I disagree. If you want to change that's all well and good, but in a reasonably-sized city at least finding friends is really easy; don't worry about it.

12 hours ago, spiderowl said:

May I ask if you are an only child?  I don't know if that is relevant or not as some only children are good at reaching out to others and maintaining friendships because they know they have to put in the effort as they do not have siblings to rely on.  Then again, others might not have ever learned the social skills or that they need to maintain friendships if they have only had to deal with adoring parents.  I do not wish to make any assumptions about your circumstances, I'm just puzzled as to why you see people as disposable like this?

I am not intending to criticise in any way, just that this seems rather unusual behaviour.  

 

Seeing people as 'disposable', 'replaceable', or perhaps in a 'transactional manner' is very common. So-called 'selfish' people exist and I wouldn't say 'selfish' behavior is particularly unusual. Sometimes things work better when everyone looks out for themselves first and foremost instead of constantly worrying about how to 'help' their friends out, 'obliging' them by participating in activities they find fun and you find boring, or investing time into helping them deal with their problems, etc.

[clia]

I'm kind of late to the game, but just saw this post.

Friendships are reciprocal.  As you've found, people aren't going to want to remain friends with you if you ignore them, block them, and are always too busy to get together with them.  I mean, why would they and why would you expect them to?  And the reality is -- sometimes you just have to suck it up and go and out and do something or reach out to someone and plan something with them if you want to maintain a relationship.  But it really seems like you only want these relationships when it suits you and probably aren't a very good friend.  

Quote

The blocking wasn’t meant to be malicious, more to stop the contacting because it was hard to ignore them again and again when I couldn’t keep in touch. .  

The blocking is such bizarre behavior and I imagine it would be very hurtful to your friends.  And that you thought the options were to either block or ignore speaks pretty loudly of how you view these friends.  I mean, why not just say "listen, I'm really busy right now, but why don't we plan to get together next month?'  And then YOU propose some dates, put it on the calendar, and plan something.  I do this all the time.  .    

Quote

And I don’t know why I can’t cope. It is because before I think it’s because before I have just told them “I’m busy” “I’ll try to make it” “not this weekend, but I’m in next time for sure!”  But how many times can you tell someone that before they’re just like ‘f this. This person is too busy’ ? That’s where I think it goes. I get tired of just telling the person that I am busy and feel embarrassed about it.

You're right -- you can only say you are "too busy" enough times before they stop inviting you out.  (How many times have you actually been in "for sure" the next weekend after saying that?)  But honestly, no one is "too busy" to get together with someone occasionally.  You can meet for a quick cup of coffee, a drink, lunch, dinner (you have to eat, don't you?), stop by a party for an hour.  When someone says enough times they are "too busy," most people eventually get the hint that it really means they are "too busy to see YOU."  So, although it's certainly a valid excuse to use, it needs to be used sparingly or those "friends" will understandably stop reaching out.  And I don't really see why you would expect otherwise.  

Quote

Also, this was worse when I had a BF because he would take up a lot of my free time/weekends, but I’ve broken up with him and now looking to reconnect with ppl I have messed up relationship with with my flakiness.. my ex actually said some thing about this. He said “you know, your friends hate you for this” he met how I just drop off the map when I am feeling like it because I am a person that needs a lot of me time. Maybe that stems from being an only child but it’s necessary for my well-being. A lot of people tend not to understand that and take it personally

The thing is...people do understand if you need "me time."  What they don't understand -- and take personally -- is being ignored, blocked, and dropped for a guy.  I mean, what value are you adding to their lives as a friend if you never respond to them or never see them?  Why would they want to remain friends with you?  Honestly, it seems like you only want them as "friends" when it suits you anyway, and I expect they realize that and that's why they don't want to remain friends with you.  As I said above, friendships are reciprocal.  I would never remain friends with a person who ignored me, blocked me, and was constantly too busy to see me.  I mean, WHY?  

Quote

I get it is not acceptable to do this. 100% I understand and I have stopped blocking people this way. I am just going to ignore the conversation if I am too busy or just say I’m too busy again and again. Besides, I know now that  people can see if you block them

It's good that you are not going to block them anymore, but ignoring them or constantly being too busy to see them isn't really going to resolve your problem.  You will encounter the same situations going forward with new "friends" if you continue to do this.  This behavior is such a pattern for you, that it really seems like you might need therapy to figure out why you treat people like this.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, clia said:

Friendships are reciprocal.  As you've found, people aren't going to want to remain friends with you if you ignore them, block them, and are always too busy to get together with them.  I mean, why would they and why would you expect them to? 

Yup! The same pattern seems to repeat itself in your romantic relationships and your friendships. Not too many people will stay around when you are inconsistent, unreliable, and inconsiderate of their feelings. It’s going to be pretty difficult to maintain any relationship when your method of operation is to ignore and block those who get too close and/or you start to feel overwhelmed. Is this something that can be helped with counselling - to learn better ways to deal with stress and to develop more insight into interpersonal relationships? I hope so, because if not, you’re just going to burn through a lot of relationships cookie. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yup! The same pattern seems to repeat itself in your romantic relationships and your friendships. Not too many people will stay around when you are inconsistent, unreliable, and inconsiderate of their feelings. It’s going to be pretty difficult to maintain any relationship when your method of operation is to ignore and block those who get too close and/or you start to feel overwhelmed. Is this something that can be helped with counselling - to learn better ways to deal with stress and to develop more insight into interpersonal relationships? I hope so, because if not, you’re just going to burn through a lot of relationships cookie. 

Thank you for taking the time to write this to advise me. It’s hard to read but I see what you mean. I know this is a problem for me and that I probably don’t deserve friendships because I am not a dependable friend most of the time and it something I’m coming to terms with. “Sucking it up” and doing things you don’t want to do at times is part of the compromise in any type of relationship with others. Honestly, the more I think about it the people that are actually friends with me are people that are extremely patient or just have very low standards for friendships or just don’t really care that much if I come or go, which isn’t really want you want although I do value their friendship tremendously. I don’t want people to think that I don’t care. Also, I understand the blocking is weird but I am very conflict adverse at times and sometimes I’m too embarrassed to confront a situation

 

Ty 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

Some people are just better at having acquaintances than friends. Friends requires some sincerity and someone you can count on.

Maybe fair weather friends and acquaintances and people you just hang out with would be a better option.

Blocking etc is not about "conflict adverse" it's about games and tossing people as disposable. Why are there this many and this intensity of conflicts in the first place?

This goes back to some people do better with acquaintances, just passing through, just hanging out etc. than any sort of deep friendships.

[Johnjohnson2017]

If you are afraid of "conflict", then they aren't your friends.

 You should be able to talk about anything with a friend, as long as it's a respectful exchange. A friend should understand when you tell them that you can't meet them at a certain day/time when you are busy. Just be honest with them. If you are too tired, tell them so. Don't ignore/block them because they will think badly of you if you do so. People want to be friends with good people. When you block them, they think you are just a user using them and disposing of them whenever you want. People don't like users. They don't want to taken advantaged of. 

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This goes back to some people do better with acquaintances, just passing through, just hanging out etc. than any sort of deep friendships.

 

18 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Honestly, the more I think about it the people that are actually friends with me are people that just don’t really care that much if I come or go, which isn’t really want you want although I do value their friendship tremendously. I don’t want people to think that I don’t care.

What do you want for your life cookie? Do you want to be a free bird who comes and goes and has a long list of acquaintances or do you crave deeper, lasting friendships?